Thursday, December 30, 2010

my biggest quandary

There are lots of things about God that I don't understand. Lots of theological positions yet to be decided, many areas where I am perplexed to the point of being troubled. I must say, though, that if I had to name one thing that bothers me the most, it would be the issue of the absolute. By this I do not mean to say that I do not believe that there is a right and wrong. I'm not trying to go all post-modern on you. I do mean to say, however, that I find it really hard to deal with the fact that I am not always able to know who is right and who is wrong. I find myself wanting things to be simple and clear-cut, and they simply are not that way.

For instance, a friend tells me a story about some people who made her life hard. I mentally vilify them. They made the wrong decision - in my mind, at least. I then see a glimpse of life from their perspective, and see the ways that God used that situation in their life. Immediate confusion ensues.

Or, a friend once told me something that affected me directly, claiming to have heard from God. I didn't at all agree about the content of this "revelation." It messed me up - it happened several years ago and it still bothers me.

I wish things were a simple matter of an equation. Plug in the variables, get the result (maybe I should have been a math major after all). I wish that I could know. And of course I can't. But it drives me nuts that things are not as black and white as I want them to be. God is black and white, but humanity most certainly is not.

home to home

I have a conflict of homes. Tomorrow morning I leave home to fly home. Confusing, eh? At the moment, this feels much more like home than that ever has. At the same time, though, I remember the first few hours and even days of being back here as being insanely disconcerting. I remember feeling as if I had never left, and as if I had lived an entire lifetime somewhere else all at the same time.

I'm hoping the weather holds out - my sense of perfectionism is really liking the idea of being back in Bellingham to welcome in the new year. Even if I just sleep through it. I have the flight tomorrow to make up my list of resolutions, and it'd be nice to have a clean start on January 1st in my other home. If all goes well, by 12:30 pm tomorrow (PST) I'll be home. That's just a little over 15 hours from now. Of course, that's not accounting for the two hours that I will be gaining. But it's crazy nonetheless.

I'm planning to pull my first legit over-nighter tonight. I won't be going to bed until at *least* 1:00 pm tomorrow, and, depending on what I decide to do for New Years, I may end up just taking a short nap in the afternoon and then commencing New Years celebrations. :)

It could be a very long time until I find myself back in South Dakota again. So, I'm soaking up the last few hours of dark cold blizzard.

Monday, December 27, 2010

thoughts on love

sometimes i think i'm loving when i'm not loving at all...

Failure to love, not because of the evident lack of emotion, but because of the lack of sacrifice. I am not required to love in emotion, but in word and in deed. Then, perhaps, emotion can be. Boldly speak the truth in love. Love in word and in deed. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. love always protects. love never ends.

lack of humility, tendency to hold another to a standard which I repeatedly fail. selfish desire to give up, to "love" through deception of both myself and another.

what if what someone needs is the truth - not for any reason of my own benefit, but rather that i may more fully love them in word and in deed? what does this look like? how do i love in WORD and DEED? this is the question of which I must pursue the answer, at the risk of a lifetime of regret.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

possible new years resolutions?

So, it is the time of the year to begin pondering the new one...and with the dawning of the new comes the semi-required list of resolutions that may or may not be accomplished. Last year my main New Year's resolution was to be able to run three miles in under thirty minutes by March 1. I more than accomplished my goal. Of course, as soon as I accomplished it, I had no more motivation, started waitressing, and stopped running when my feet started hurting too much from standing in ballet flats for five hours to work up the resolve to run three miles on a treadmill. This=problematic. Future New Years resolutions need to have more longevity.

The closing of this year finds me sorely out of shape once more. I don't have a treadmill at my apartment, so I do not believe that my resolutions for 2011 will include such a specific goal. However, Christmas has left me in dire need of shedding a few unwanted pounds. So, I am pondering some sort of New Years' resolution that involves losing those Christmas pounds and being more physically active all at the same time. Maybe less movie watching and more working out is in order? I say yes.

I have been tossing around some sort of technology fast. Not for all of 2011 of course, but perhaps for the first month or two? Facebook, maybe? This may prove too much for me, though. Then again, I'm not sure that I would have to drop it entirely. Perhaps limiting myself to checking it once a day just to keep friends and family somewhat connected. There are those who might be slightly annoyed if I dropped out of cyberspace. Then again, isn't that their problem, not mine? ;) I have been thinking of how much homework I could get done in such an efficient manner if I wasn't so ADD about stuff.

I also resolve to take over the world by December 31, 2011. Watch out world, here I come. It's all about making the right alliances and knowing when to break them. Some sort of creepy meld of Survivor and Risk strategy will be what propels me to world domination.

Friday, December 24, 2010

somewhat sarcastic but honest reflections for all the single and "unloved"...

Five years ago, I had a very clear idea of how I wanted my life to go. College, meet my "future husband," fall hopelessly in love, get married (preferably before college ended or at the worst immediately following graduation), and spend the rest of my life following him around. Maybe with a job, but most definitely no real independence, because that would require me to take risks. I was prepared to compensate for my lack of real-life experience with a husband who would do all of the hard stuff (like paying rent or taxes) while I cooked, cleaned, and popped out as many kids as possible. Perfect, right? [insert enormous amounts of sarcasm here]

Problem is, I never found "the one," and I found myself forced to redefine my life in order to avoid the heartbreak of being "unloved." If I'm not married, the best way to deal with it is to convince myself that single-hood is what is best for me, and, what's more, is what I want, even more than marriage. I moved across the country in part to prove my ability to be entirely independent. I have my own apartment, I will be doing my own taxes, and I am entirely (aside from my cell-phone and health insurance [which I could get from the school but choose not to for simplicity's sake]) independent. Success.

Being single has its advantages. I hear it every day (okay, not literally, but close). I can move across the country on a whim. I can make my own decisions. At this point the advantages seem to end... interesting, eh? It seems that marriage is the preferred life situation; however much people assure me that my life is okay the way it is, underlying it all is the assumption that I should be earnestly seeking a husband.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling inferior to my married peers. I understand that marriage and children radically changes and matures a person. But it's hard to be single sometimes. Not necessarily because I'm dying to be married, but because it feels like single-hood is a dead end that requires a conclusion before age thirty at the risk of living a meaningless life.

I wish that it were possible to radically redefine what it means to be single. I wish that I wasn't constantly asked if I have a boyfriend. I wish I wasn't constantly informed that "when the time is right and I meet the right one it will happen." What if it never happens? What if (insert copious amounts of horror here) I spend the rest of my life "alone?" Oh, the horrors...

And, interestingly enough, my issues with single-hood do not end here.

What if - *gasp* - there's something wrong with me? It's possible, in fact, it's probable. No, it's certain. I know myself too well, it seems. I know my flaws. Some of these flaws, however, remain a mystery: what about me is so repulsive to compel someone to walk away with not so much as a goodbye? Why is it that I was never asked to prom? There's obviously a reason. And don't play the "Barlow Girl" card on me. They're not lining up to date me, and there's obviously some (probably negative) reason for this. I'm probably doing something wrong. Or maybe I am just inherently flawed. Either way, it's my problem.

And this, my friends, is my honest attempt to illustrate why I wish somewhat desperately that single-hood could be redefined. After all, yeah, there are about 85 trillion things wrong with me. Maybe I am unlovable. But I refuse to believe that I am any more unlovable than my married peers. For some reason, though, I am single. I've been hopelessly single for all but two and a half weeks of my life and let's not continue to pretend that I'm simply patiently waiting for the one. I am not always so patient as I may appear. Yes, I'm okay with being single, and yet, paradoxically, I'm not okay with it. At all.

Top Four Difficult Things About Being Twenty-Two and Single (in no particular order because that's too much work at 1:15 in the morning)
4) A single girl sits with her family at the Christmas Eve church service and is forced to watch all the other young (and old, for that matter) married people arrive and sit together. Yet another example of the ways in which my single-hood excludes me from the married club, which, for some undisclosed reason is seen as more prestigious than the single club.
3) My friends slowly start dating, get engaged, and then married. While they're dating, they may start spending more time with their boyfriend than with their single friends, but it's still pretty normal. Their engagement, for me (aside from being happy for them, which I am, please don't read this blog entry as a hate note to married people :) ) is a chance to adjust to the fact that within a few months they will have entered the other side and will be even less accessible. Slumber parties will now be a thing of the past, and they will have a whole realm of experiences that they cannot (not that I want them to) discuss with me.
2) I'm alone. I live alone. (Even the potential for a roommate does not change the fact that I am fundamentally on my own in the important things of life.) I move alone. I make decisions alone. I cry alone. I laugh alone. I have wonderful friends, but they do not live life with me, but simply parallel or alongside but eventually diverging.
1) I am continuously subjected to well-meaning comments about "when you get married." As I have previously made clear, who knows if that will actually happen? The odds or appeals to probability simply remind me that there will come a time where my singleness will stop being relatively normal and will start to be a topic of conversation for my friends: "I wonder why she never got married." etc.

Yep, it's a dreary, dreary world. Actually, not really. I'm quite happy and as relatively well-adjusted as is possible given my oddities. I don't spend my days moping about my single status. However, this rant has been a long time coming. I would love to be accepted as a single woman, no strings attached. No presumptions that marriage is "just around the corner:" this presumption made it incredibly hard for me to accept the fact that I was graduating from college without a fiance, and I am not a huge fan of dreading birthdays because it means I'm that much closer to "old-maid" status. I would like to be free to love life as it comes. To embrace the joys of each day I am given, and to be respected as an adult, even if I don't have an expensive rock on my left ring finger. To all my single friends: I understand. This is for you.

I know I don't have a husband, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to cook.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

favorites: Dekker and The Bride Collector

I just finished a really good book by Ted Dekker: The Bride Collector. I spent pretty much the entire book wondering what the point was, and got to the last 10 pages, and it suddenly made sense. I've missed reading for "fun." One of the themes of the book, besides the idea that God loves each of us as his "favorite," was mental illness. Dekker seems to want to argue that mental illness is not what society has labeled it as - that it is a label that has little inherent value or meaning. There is so much truth in that, I think. It's so easy to want to think of oneself as "normal." The main character of the book, although suffering from psychotic breaks, honestly believed herself to not be psychotic. And this perspective allowed her to fight it.

Sometimes I find myself wondering somewhat the opposite. Am I really as normal as I would like to believe? I'm not saying that I believe I have some diagnosable or measurable illness. I do think it is important, however, to recognize the insanity present in everyone. I've been seeing it in myself over the past few months. There are so many ways in which I'm completely crazy. There are so many times when my fragile hold on the world seems to be on the verge of breaking entirely, so many times when I feel entirely powerless (mentally speaking) in the face of insurmountable obstacles. And yet, my incompetence and even insanity has no effect on the way that God sees me - as a woman infinitely worthy of His love. As His favorite. As forgiven and cleansed. My normalcy has no importance. My health, my appearance, and my achievements fall entirely short in the face of this love.

The notion that mental illness is a social construct is not entirely foreign to me, and the fact that it is such a central theme in Dekker's book makes me wonder about his exposure to theorists such as Foucault. I should read Madness and Civilization again, although not because I feel as if his perspective is at all correct. Just to clarify. :)

Break has been good. I haven't accomplished much (besides reading Bride Collector). Mostly I've just watched tv, hung out with friends and family, mastered tripeaks on Facebook, and messed with my profile picture so that each of my mini pictures at the top of my profile form part of my larger profile picture. (fun stuff, btw, facebooktiles.com if you're interested)

I've felt massively lazy much of the time. I was never burned out by school - a break feels more like I'm just finding an excuse to be lazy. I dunno. I'm going to be ready to start it all up again. Purpose returning to my life will not be bad. Not bad at all. And yet, I still have over a week here and a long weekend in Bellingham before classes begin. I suppose I could start being productive here and now. And yet, it's good to just think. Thinking about nothing allows me to think about deeper things. Reading "pointless" books like Bride Collector has allowed me to consider things that I may not have considered left to my own devices.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

looking back

Being home has given me an interesting opportunity to look back. Somewhat like the eight months I had at home between college and grad school afforded me the chance to return to my roots to mourn, heal, and remember, so coming back home for a few weeks for Christmas is giving me the chance to recognize just how much has changed for me in the last few months.

I have been blessed with a new family in Washington, one that I couldn't imagine not going back to. Remembering them makes it much easier to know that I'm only in SD for a short time. My church family is incredible and I love them dearly. In the space of three months I have met so many new people, and been loved so unreservedly. I've been humbled time and again by the love, acceptance, and hospitality shown me by people who really don't know me at all.

God has answered huge prayers in my life this fall. Situations I thought to be beyond repair have been mended, and this is such an unexpected blessing. God has given me grace to cling to Him in a new environment, and in many ways I have grown in my faith through the experiences I have had.

It's all so new, yet - in some ways it seems as if it was just yesterday that I left, in other ways it seems as if I have lived a lifetime in Bellingham. I am so excited to see what God has for me there. Although my time there may end up to be relatively short, I also have abandoned all plans for the future and am striving to live unreservedly in the present.

There's so much to learn about God, so many ways that my faith needs growing. I am a piece of work, but God is so faithful. I am grateful to be home with family this Christmas season, and I am excited that God will continue to be with me as I return to my new home in a few weeks.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

grades are in

Grades are in...

My theory paper went as well as could be expected: A-. Unfortunately, my participation grade was a B-...I wasn't surprised by that given my earlier conversation with him. Overall grade: B+. could be better, could definitely be worse. :)

I got an A in my Canada class, which is a relief.

Overall GPA: 3.65. Not bad, I suppose. I'll live.

Monday, December 13, 2010

SD

I have arrived in SD. After a few days of travel and a lot of good memories made, I am here. It's funny how God works things out in the way that He does.

Driving through Beresford, it somehow felt like I had never left. Then I remembered how much has changed in my life since I was last here... It's so familiar, and yet, so much has changed. Not in this place, but in my life.

Anyway, it's 3:15 am, Central Standard Time. I'm going to bed.

Friday, December 10, 2010

talented

It seems as if I have a talent for getting myself into awkward situations. Most of the time this comes from my people pleasing ways - I hate hurting people and so let things go that I probably shouldn't let go... you'd think I'd learn from exhibit A, or maybe exhibit B? Nope. I don't.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

overflowing joy and blessing

I drove to church this morning, blown away by the beauty of this city in which I live. The sun was still low on the horizon, casting beautifully colored hues over the bay. The blue sky against the mountains on the other side of the water was so beautiful, and I had to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road.

Today my heart overflows with joy. Nothing too particular happened, but I was just reminded again and again through the course of several rather mundane conversations with people at church how blessed I am to have found the church that I did. They have unreservedly opened their arms to me, showing me Christ's love again and again when it would be so easy to feel entirely isolated. I don't know what I would have done without them.

I fly back to South Dakota in six days. I am excited to visit my hometown and reconnect with the people I left behind to embark on this adventure. I am excited to tell them in person about what God has blessed me with out here in Bellingham. I am excited to see my family and to spend time with them. I'm not going to lie, though, it'd be really awesome if I had the superpower of being able to be in two places at once, because I am really going to miss my new family here.

On a slightly unrelated note, I finished the rough draft of my final paper for my theory class last night. I still have to read it over once more and probably make some slight changes, but it is for the most part complete. I'm terrified to hand it in, though, because I made a rather large philosophical/theoretical risk and I'm not sure how my professor will take it. I mean, I'm fairly confident there are probably holes in my argument - in fact I know that there are, as even the best theorists are critiqued. I'm just hoping that my argument is reponsible enough and well-defended enough to earn me his respect for at least trying. I'm really hoping and praying that there aren't glaring inconsistencies or that I didn't neglect important passages from books we read that would fundamentally deconstruct my argument. At the end of the day, though, what the professor thinks isn't horribly important. Even my grade isn't the most important. What matters is the journey I took to get to where I did - the fact that I wrestled openly and deeply with the issues posed by the theorists we read in class - and the fact that I finally arrived at a conclusion on which I can at least form the basis of something deeper.

Friday, December 3, 2010

bizzare

Last night I went to the mysterious small group. It turns out it was a group from that church I attended a few times. There were four girls (including me) there. It was an interesting experience, one that, at the time, I wasn't sure how I felt about. As it concluded, though, I found myself volunteering to have it at my apartment in the future. It was one of those strange moments where I found myself committing to something that I didn't completely understand.

It was definitely a moment where I realized just how much the fact that I am a college graduate makes me radically different in some ways from people that are only a few years younger than me. I also realized how much some of my life experiences have radically changed me - I saw a younger version of myself in the girl that was leading the group (she was 18) and I simultaneously wished for those days back and realized that I would never, ever want to go back. Academia has changed me...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

sunny with a high of...45.

The sun was out earlier today (it may still be, but I'm in a room with no windows). It was so bright. I'm not used to the blinding light of the sun. I was actually *almost* wishing the clouds would come back. Almost. It was also foggy this morning for a while, which was absolutely beautiful. I looked out over the bay, and most of it was shrouded in fog, but a few mountains were visible on the horizon.

I went in yesterday to talk to my professor, and didn't leave feeling like my world was crashing in on me. In fact, I felt like I and he had clarified a few things and I was that much more equipped to write a decent paper. That paper is all I have to do in the next 4 days, and I only have 11 or so pages left to write, so it's a good feeling, that's for sure. One of my favorite parts about the end of the semester is that I know that the end is near, so I am able to give everything I have to the few days that are left, knowing that rest is in the near future.

God has been answering prayers in regard to bringing people into my life who may very well become good friends. I have been spending more time hanging out with people from church, and have really really enjoyed the opportunity to get to know them. And, yesterday I got a random phone call from a girl named Joellyn or something - I think she's from the campus christian fellowship group, but she didn't really identify herself beyond her first name. Anyway, she invited me to a small group that is meeting on Thursday nights at Starbucks. So, tonight I'm going to show up at Starbucks and hope that I can find this mysterious small group. It is a definite answer to prayer, though, because I had gone to that other church to try to get connected with a small group, and they never contacted me, so I had pretty much given up...and now this phone call out of the blue. I'm pumped.

Life is good. I'll be flying back to South Dakota in a little over a week to spend Christmas there. Although I am very excited to see family and friends, I must admit that I am slightly bummed that I will miss Christmas in the Northwest. (see this link for a good laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koeB4z4c_7M) And, I'm going to miss the people here. It has truly become home. God is always good; even in those dark times when I wonder what is going on and want to just give up, He is there, working as always.

Monday, November 29, 2010

"God of the Gaps"

One night this weekend, we were watching TV while playing a card game, and at one point we were watching the 700 club - which I guess is some Christian show. They started interviewing people who had experienced significant miracles. I was struck in a rather big way by the contrast and yet comparison between these people who were so convinced that God was the explanation for the unexplainable events in their lives and some of the stuff that I have read throughout my time as a history major (both in college and grad school) about the idea that God has been constructed as a way to explain the unexplainable. I was sitting at the kitchen table at my aunt and uncle's house, playing a game with them, suddenly struck in a very large way with the ways in which some of the things I had been mulling over were being addressed by this tv show. Long story short, I don't know how I feel about tv shows (or anything, for that matter) that consist of Christians attempting to convince the world of God's existence by using Him as an explanation for the unexplainable. Of course, He does explain the unexplainable. But if that becomes our entire rationale and basis for belief in God, I believe that there are major problems ahead. I definitely believe that miracles do happen and that some things cannot be explained. However, in light of history, I am very concerned about our adoption of the "God of the gaps" theory. One hundred years ago, there were many more things that science and medicine did not explain. God was the explanation for these things. With the advance of science, however, some of those things that God used to be the explanation for no longer require God. This is a problem if we assume that science will continue to advance. I started thinking - what is my belief in God based on? And what happens when those things come to have alternate, "scientific" explanations? Suddenly my God ceases to be necessary.

Of course, this assumes a number of things that I am not entirely comfortable assuming. First, it assumes that science is a valid explanation for natural phenomena. Second, it assumes that science could continue to advance (in theory, to a point where it explains everything). I do not believe that this will ever happen, given my belief in the inherent imperfections of humanity.

Leaving these reservations to the side, though, there may be something to be said about considering a scenario in which science offers explanations for pretty much everything. If science were to continue to advance to a place where it explained pretty much everything, would my faith have a basis? Of course, there are probably ways in which this is a relevant question for even today. After all, many scoff at miracles, and always have, attributing them to either an alternate scientific explanation or claiming that the person claiming them to be an instance of the miraculous is simply mistaken in some way or another. In this sort of world, where God is not considered necessary, what is my faith based on? Have I (and the world at large) divorced science from God to such an extent that as science advances, God is pushed out?

And, of course, this entire train of thought is somewhat superfluous, because, of course, God can never cease to exist. He cannot be pushed out. I am simply concerned about the state of some portions of Christianity that seem to need to defend their belief in God based solely on the miraculous. And perhaps I am completely off on some pointless rabbit trail. Even writing this, I'm wondering if there is any point to my rant. Sorry.

Derailed

haha.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

deal-of-the-century

Last week I purchased a gallon of milk and two frozen pizzas for $3.17. I thought that was good.

Today, I purchased a gallon of apple juice, four sticks of margarine (1 pkg), two packages of cream cheese (the 8 oz bars), and a loaf of bread for $2.77. Total. And I forgot the 10% student discount on the cream cheese (purchase from another store than the rest).

How did I accomplish this, you may ask? Coupons. I had a coupon for cream cheese for $0.88 each. I bought the bread for $0.99. The margarine and apple juice were free. I kid you not. Free.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

snow and the Geek Squad

It snowed last night. It SNOWED. At least a couple inches. And it's still here. No snow plows. So things are a mess. Not enough of a mess that you can't go places, but enough of a mess to make all these Bellinghamites terrified. I went to Best Buy in a vain attempt to pick up my laptop today, and it took me FOREVER to get there because everyone is terrified. It was funny, and then it just got irritating. In some ways, though, they have the right to be terrified...because all the snow stays on the roads much longer without snow plows.

Speaking of Best Buy...I went to Best Buy today to reclaim my laptop. I got there, and they told me that they got it back from HP but it's not ready yet because they don't have the operating system installed on it... and apparently HP doesn't do this...and apparently I have to call HP and order the stupid operating system CDs...(which will probably cost me money). That's all fine and good, but WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME THIS WEEKS AGO? If they would have told me this when I brought my laptop in, or even a week ago when they knew for sure what was wrong, I could have ordered the CDs so that the Geek Squad could fix it pronto when it got back to the store. Of course, now it will be another ridiculously long wait. So much for doing homework over Thanksgiving Break.

Never, ever, EVER trust the Geek Squad.

Other than that, life moves forward. Life is always complicated here at grad school, and rarely easy, but it's good.

Friday, November 19, 2010

my first horrible week - maybe it's about time?

The week started out poorly on Monday night, as I already wrote about in my last post. By the time I wrote that post, though, (Wednesday morning) I had mostly figured things out. Life was resuming some sort of normalcy, and I was once again ready to conquer the world.

That all got shot down on Wednesday afternoon. Things started out alright - I talked to the graduate advisor and got my plan of study taken care of - it has been approved - I'm all set! She also happens to be my Canadian class professor, so I talked to her about my paper for that class and left feeling rather optimistic about my chances of success in that class. I also needed to talk to the professor for my theory class - I was hopelessly lost about what to even write my final paper about, and the only solution was to go in and talk to him. I wasn't looking forward to it. At all. He's a really nice guy, but there's something about him that scares me to death. I was right to be scared. I walked in, and things started out relatively okay - with him giving me some pointers on the paper. It was rather humiliating, though...I am so intimidated by him that I completely freeze and lose my ability to say anything intelligent. I made the mistake of telling him that I struggle with remembering what the books said...so I think he assumed that I'm completely lost and don't understand anything in the class - aka I shouldn't even be in grad school. So after talking about the paper, he asked me if I was alright - he said I had seemed quiet in class lately. This was a huge blow - because I try to talk in class, and I do...at least a few times throughout the class period - and this last week was a larger class (both sections met together) so I didn't feel like it was a bad thing that I had only spoken twice or three times. He obviously either a) didn't remember that I had contributed or b) didn't think it was enough. This was devastating to me on so many levels. It implied that he doesn't think I'm contributing enough. My grade (30% in fact) is dependent on my participation in class discussion - and so I am very deliberate about trying my hardest to contribute to conversation...because it could mean the difference on my grade. I had thought I was doing alright, so that I could just focus on making the final paper really good. Now all of that is thrown out the window, because the professor doesn't seem to think I'm contributing enough. Now even if I got an A on my final paper (which might be impossible if the professor thinks I'm not very smart) my particpation grade might be what keeps me from an A in the class. And I NEED an A in this class - if I don't do well in classes in grad school (as in get As) it will be hard for me to move on to a PhD - or at least a PhD at a reputable school. As I sat in his office, I was trying so hard not to cry, and I did succeed.

It didn't get any better though - he then started grilling me on why I was at grad school, telling me that if I wasn't absolutely convinced that this is what I want, that I should leave. Um? I'm here...doesn't that mean I want it? Evidently not. He spent about five minutes at least on this topic - asking me what I want to do with my degree and telling me that it will be very hard to get a job and I might end up working for the government in a non-teaching job - especially if I'm not good enough. (implying that he seems to have doubts that I am good enough) It was so so so hard. I tried to tell him that I am passionate about this and that I do want this and that I can't see myself doing anything else. Maybe he believed me - but I don't think he did. I was so petrified by him that I'm pretty sure I didn't sound very convincing.

The only redeeming factor is that he's an American Revolution historian...meaning that I won't have to deal with him after this class. If I can prove myself to the modern Europe people, I might have a chance.

It brought so many insecurities of mine to the surface, though, and I have been trying to recover some sense of normalcy ever since that conversation. At the end of the day, I'm not certain that history is where I will end up - and that is hard for me. I like to know what the future holds, and I don't. I didn't even try to explain to the professor that I'm a Christian and that this fact changes EVERYTHING about how I look at life. I'm here because I feel called to be here. I am here because God brought me here, because I am serving God here (or trying to). I'm going into history because I trust that God has my future in His hands - so all that talk about no jobs etc has little impact on what I choose to do. Making money is not my driving motivation.

I've been considering dropping out. Not seriously considering it, but running the scenario through my head. What would I do? I have no idea. The thing is, my whole life I have felt pulled toward the secular arena. I have been disturbed by the departmentalization that goes on in Christianity. It bothers me that Christians serve God in Christian organizations. It bothers me that to be a missionary one is required to join a Christian organization where one's witness is part of one's job description. I hate that God is pushed out of the secular arena. I hate that as a teacher in a public school one is limited in one's witness. This is not to say that I have a problem with people who work for Christian organizations. Not at all. But for me, I feel called to stand up for God in a world in which He is no longer welcome. That is why I am here - because God isn't here (well, He is here, but He is not recognized). But part of me wants to "cop out" (at least as far as what I have always felt called to do) and become a missionary, or work for a Christian organization. That would be the easy road (for me). It's not hard to be a Christian in a place where it is required in order to get a pay check. It is hard in a place where Christianity is not welcome. And it is to that place where I feel compelled to go. So I CAN'T drop out (or at least that is how I feel) because to do so would be to take the easy road. I'm not sure if this feeling is right or not...but it is how I feel, and it is what I'm basing my decisions on.

On a slightly related (but not really) note:

I've been reading CS Lewis and Bonhoeffer in my spare time (ha!) and have been very struck by a few things. 1) they are both very wise...and were probably insanely compelling in their day. 2) there are many ways in which the culture they speak to and the things they address are no longer relevant in this culture. This is kinda crazy to say (and some may not agree with me) because CS Lewis is always looked to as this can-do-no-wrong-almost-Biblical sorta guy. But I'm reading Mere Christianity, and sometimes I can not help but feel as if his arguments are for another time...the modern age...the 50s. The heart of what he is saying still holds true, but in an apologetics sense it is not quite as relevant. Morality simply isn't what it was in the 50s. In the 50s people had much more of a "respectable" code. People wanted to be seen as respectable. People in 2010 could care less much of the time. The 1960s (and on) fundamentally changed society, I think. Things that were obviously wrong in the 50s are not so obviously wrong anymore...and that means that when Lewis appeals to the sense that something is obviously wrong, it no longer holds water for the unbeliever today. I wonder if there's anyone writing today in his style and to his level but who addresses the issues of mere Christianity in a world where Christianity is no longer dominant culturally. Same thing with Bonhoeffer. He has this section in Life Together where he talks about what a worship service should be like. He is very clear that it is not ok to sing harmony while singing hymns. He goes on about it for at least a page. I had to laugh. I think the heart of what he is saying is right on - harmony could tend to distract from worship. But, it was completely from another time. That is only one example. He has a chapter where he details what a worship service should be like, and some of it is so culturally based that it is completely unrelevant to today's culture.

I am drawn to such things (apologetics). I want to write...I want to do this whole blogging thing, except professionally. I am drawn to Nazi Germany for the moral questions it poses - and I feel like the field of history allows me a valuable way of approaching these questions. I am not in grad school (I don't think) for the same reasons that other people are here. I'm here because of a fundamental struggle with apologetics. I'm here because I feel like history offers a valuable lesson for today. And I'm here because God has called me to this place (for this time at least).

Anyway...I covet your prayers. It's getting really hard to be here - I feel so alone sometimes. The deeper I go into this stuff, the less I can relate to other people. That's hard, because I learn and grow through conversation, and I simply can't talk to people about this because they have other, more practical, concerns. And even if I was still in the midwest, I'd still be alone. It's not entirely a geographical thing. It's the loneliness of academia. My calling has brought me to a place where I have to wrestle with these questions largely on my own. I can't talk to professors about it because they don't believe the same things I do, at all. That is so alienating...my history theory professor asked me what was wrong - and if he was a Christian I could have told him...but because he isn't, he wouldn't understand at all. As a Christian I sometimes feel as if I have to do twice the amount of thinking as everyone else. I have to apply everything I am learning to my faith - to measure it against what I know to be true...but then I have to leave that mostly behind when writing my papers - because if I turned my history papers into something like what I blog about it wouldn't at all be an academic paper. That's a long rambling way of saying that I feel entirely isolated on so many levels.

It's humbling to admit that things are hard. It's humbling to admit that I need prayer. But I was reading CS Lewis today, and he had some good things to say about the evils of pride. There are so many things about the last few days that were a necessary wake-up call - a humbling experience if you will. And, so, I humbly ask you to be praying for me. I need God's help more than ever before, because I mess it up so horribly on my own strength (which is non-existent). Anyway, my prayer requests: I ask that you pray that God would have His way with me. I ask you to pray that God will bring people into my life who can walk this journey with me (if that is His will - maybe this is something I have to do on my own). I ask you to pray that I will have wisdom and courage to live radically and unashamedly in a world that is so lost. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

my thoughts on history

It's been an intense few last days.

It all started on Monday night in class (It always seems to come from that class). In the process of discussing the need to keep in mind that the people groups we study might actually believe that the supernatural has agency (*gasp!*), the self-proclaimed "stubborn atheist" in the class started speaking up about how he simply couldn't comprehend why we should have to keep such things in mind since it's horribly misguided to think that the supernatural even exists, much less has agency in the world. I was simultaneously sitting there pondering my own experiences (quite opposite) as a committed Christian. I read things written about Christianity by historians who, although their personal beliefs remain somewhat mysterious, are required by the very nature of the profession to keep these beliefs out of the discussion and instead look for material causes and at most human agents. Causal forces must have evidence. (Of course, I don't believe that Christianity is without historical evidence, but that's a battle for another day.)

I left class horribly depressed, convinced that class period meant the end of graduate studies for me. I seriously pondered the ramifications of dropping out at the end of this term and trying to find a job here in a city where the bad economy has certainly taken a toll. I tried to imagine what on earth I would do if not history. And, as the emotion of the moment wore off, I realized that such hasty decisions are hardly wise, and that it is okay to stick it out, at least for the moment until I get things figured out.

The last few days have been consumed with homework, but in the back of my mind is a nearly constant conversation going on about such things. What am I doing here? Why didn't I speak up in class? Would that really have accomplished anything? Does it matter that it might not have accomplished anything? Am I really in any sort of position to serve God in this place, or am I simply getting sucked into a mindset that I want no part of? I'm not sure.

These questions have no answers. (Well, they do, but I have not figured out the answers, nor do I think I ever will, at least entirely.) But I must ask them nonetheless, because to not ask them might mean I have lost sight of my calling as a Christian in a secular world.

I think that the questions that historians are asking are based on what they truly see in the world. In a world without God, their questions are legitimate. I also believe that there are parts of the theories that I am learning that are important to remember...namely the parts about humanity's flaws. It is hard to constantly walk the line of agreement and disagreement. I empathize with the flaws in humanity. We constantly warp history to our own benefit. We are unable to know what really happened in the past, but we like to pretend that we do know. We read our own culture and mindset onto the past, when really the past is in a world of its own. We try to make history into a science when really there is little scientific about it. Humanity writes a narrative of its past that tells the story of how we got to the present, but the very fact that we have the present in mind warps what we remember and don't remember. Selectivity in what we tell and don't tell about the past has a huge impact on its truthfulness. And yet, there are also huge problems with the fact that history, as a science of sorts, is compelled to leave God out of the picture. Am I strong enough to stand in the gap? Am I strong enough to be different? Do I have the necessary intellect to make compelling arguments for a history that gives God agency? Perhaps not - but I am reminded of Moses - God used him in spite of his flaws in speech to bring about massive change.

And, at the end of the day, this life is not about this life. It's about the next one. Does it matter if I create massive change? No, I probably won't. I might not even convince one person. But that does not change my calling to be in the world but not of it. It does not change my calling to serve, love, and worship God with everything I do. God is the only One who can effect change in this world that is so far beyond the control of humanity. Yes, capitalism has created an economy that leaves the world powers of today with very little control over the market. Yes, there is so little, if nothing, that we can do to control our destiny. We are at the mercy of forces beyond us. And into this mess God steps down, showing His power in His ability to transform lives for His kingdom. Praise be to His name.

I desire these words to be more than words. I want to live this mindset. I want to live humbly before my God, remembering each and every day that my thoughts, my ideas, my theories crumble in the face of the Almighty. I want to point my colleagues to Him. I want to be bold, but not in a prideful "I must be right" sort of way. I want to be bold because of my identity as one redeemed from death by the blood of Jesus. This is my calling.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

DO

Given my love of deals, I think I may have found my dream store...check this out:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/deals-only-bellingham

I haven't visited said store yet, but it's on my list next time I need groceries...

Monday, November 15, 2010

very-small-stipend-and-no-roommate survival guide

A friend encouraged me to blog on the adventure of living well below the poverty line. And, so I will. Disclaimer: I'm crazy, and do not reccommend or advocate my quality of life. Welcome to the way I think. Don't stay too long, you might go crazy.

Marilee's Guide to Surviving on a Very Small TA Stipend
1) heat is overrated. but if it gets too cold, just cook something and leave the oven door open afterwards - no need to waste all that valuable heat that's trapped inside the oven. but you'll be defeating the purpose if you forget to turn the oven off before doing so...so don't try to actually heat your apartment with your oven. that's probably highly inefficient. in any case, there's nothing that several layers and many blankets can't fix. :)
2) never EVER eat out, unless it's free. History department pizza parties=required attendance (not really, but for me, it's a free meal.) Rock the coupons, and skip desert and snacking. Also, no juice allowed. It's far too expensive. Turkey bacon rather than actual bacon. Off brands whenever possible. Tea bags without the tab things. Quality is lower, but price is as well. ;) Goal=never eat more than $3 of food in any given day. Month's food budget = $75, so it's actually more like $2.50 a day.
3) lights out whenever a room is not occupied. be freakish about it. every second counts. :P
4) spend as much time AWAY from the apartment as possible. that way you can use the university's electricity and heat, not your own.
5) take the bus or walk or ride your bike whenever possible. car=parked.
6) doing laundry=overrated. thus, it's probably better to own a TON of socks than to have to wash the 6 pairs you have all the time. same thing goes for any sort of clothes. i have a ton of pairs of jeans - that way they a) don't wear out as fast and b) laundry doesn't need to happen as often
7) Yes, Walmart is most likely evil. However, you can't argue with low prices.
8) If it isn't absolutely necessary for survival, it isn't necessary. Procrastination is key, especially when it comes to purchasing things. And you won't hear me say that about much else.
9) use all the water you want (especially in my case: I don't pay for water). Washing dishes=cheaper than running the dishwasher, because the dishwasher involves electricity [although I must confess I don't follow this rule, but as soon as the dishwasher soap I have is gone, it's back to the basics for me...I'm not spending money on something like dishwasher soap.]
10) enjoy your newfound financial limitations. it's actually kind of fun to see how cheaply you can live. I didn't use more than $5 of my miscellaneous budget in October. That's savings right there. :)

Yep. I'm insane. But at least I'm having fun, right?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

rambling thoughts for my future reference: aka i don't have a computer so my thoughts are now saved online)

false assumption:
compassion as naturally present (Chakrabarty, 121) - part of modernity is the idea that humans, through reason, have attained a higher morality. progress - humanity moving toward a higher ideal. how does this impact historical theory? historicity - the idea that time moves in a linear fashion - but more than that - time is evolutionary. all of this springs from the idea of the inherent goodness of humanity - it is something that needs to but can be discovered in all of humanity. if, then, i believe that humanity is fundamentally UNcompassionate, all of that is flipped on its head. humanity is not progressing - reason is only masking sin in a different way. because, indeed, i do not see evidence of humanity being more compassionate - in every day interactions the same practices occur. we have shifted the groups that we are compassionate to - but the "other" exists all the same. concrete example? the Christian has become a group that faces discrimination. the Christian is mocked. although, in observing conversation, i have noticed that even the categories that are not supposed to be discriminated against (homosexuality especially) when guards are let down, and when the context is not academic, actual feelings come out - a fear of homosexuality exists at a very fundamental level among heterosexuals. the educated elite have a nice language to cover everything, but beneath it all, the same practice exists...

if we don't have an actual understanding of what true, godly love is, then that throws everything off balance.
false assumption:
history is about power relations. this is based on the idea that everything is done to get ahead - that in everything there has to be a dominant and a dominated. according to the secular model, this is the bottom line. power relations are the way of explaining the world. and i can agree that much of what characterizes humanity is power. but what if there is a REASON for this? sin. this is heavily influenced by what i have read of Bonhoeffer's "Life Together." fake love is about power. godly love is about Christ loving through us. Real love is not about power, it is about the lack of power. it flips the world on its head. if sin's main effect on the world is to pervert love and turn it into subjugation of the weaker in order to satisfy self-interest, this would explain so much. the non-christian's non-exposure to true love (which is only shown in its pure form through Christ's death on the cross) leaves him or her unable to see a world where something other than power is possible.

toward a Christian philosophy of history

"A narrative strategy that is rationally defensible in the modern understanding of what constitutes public life - and the historians speak in the public sphere - cannot be based on a relationship that allows the divine or the supernatural a direct hand in the affairs of the world." - Dipesh Chakrabarty in "Provincializing Europe: Postcolonial Thought and Historial Difference."

To be fair, that statement must be qualified - science cannot prove God - and if history is a science then it necessarily must leave its reader to decide whether or not God was indeed working. However, it's still a slightly depressing thought - no room for the miraculous in history, no room for God in history.

It does have interesting implications for a Christian's philosophy of history, though. What is my role as a Christian historian? If not to write a history that gives God agency, what is left? And, is it even philosophically sound to claim that the supernatural cannot have agency in historical writing? These are questions I do not feel qualified to answer. And yet, I must try. Hopefully more on this later.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

not one but three

Oh my goodness.

I went to the library a few hours ago and check out not one but three books by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Not sure when I'm going to find the time to read them, but, as a grad student I do get to keep them for a ridiculously long time. So not all is lost. :) I then walked down to Boulevard Park and sat on a park bench overlooking the bay...oh my goodness. Do I really live here? Sometimes I can't believe I'm so blessed as to be able to live in a place like this. It's ridiculously beautiful. Anyway, back to Bonhoeffer.

First off, quick biography on Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He lived in Germany in the first half of the 20th century. Trained as a pastor. When Hitler came to power, he was very much opposed to what he saw going on in Germany, particularly the way in which Hitler set himself up as an idol and the German Christian Church just went along with it. He was heavily involved with the Confessing Church (a church that protested Hitler and was persecuted as a result). He was involved in a secret seminary that was eventually discovered and shut down. He wrote a couple books ("Life Together" and "The Cost of Discipleship") during the mid-1930s. He went to the US at one point in 1939 and was encouraged to stay there and write instead of returning to a country where his very life would be endangered. The thing is, Bonhoeffer felt that the Christian is called to live in the world. That the calling of a Christian is to give up his very life for the sake of Christ. And so he returned on one of the last boats that went to Germany before the war. He became involved in a plot to overthrow Hitler, and in 1943 was arrested in connection with a failed assasination attempt. He spent the next few years in Tegel prison, writing extensively (published post-humously in "Letters and Papers from Prison). In late 1944 he was transferred from Tegel and was moved through various concentration camps, eventually being executed by order of Himmler in April of 1945.

I started reading "Life Together" (simply because it was his first book of the three I checked out). Wow, was I convicted, enlightened, ashamed, regretful, etc etc etc. I wish so much I had read this book a few years ago - it is possible that so much heartache could have been avoided. Then again, it's possible that I may not have understood what he was saying - some things can only be learned through hard experience.

He talks a lot about what it means to live in community with Christians, how it is a privilege that God gives us, but that we may not always have. Sometimes the fellowship of believers is only through the knowledge that we are not alone, even if we are in prison or exile. He then begins talking more in depth about what it means to be in community, arguing that Christian life together is only through the Spirit. There is a difference between human and spiritual love. Much of what we do in the name of "love" is really human love (for selfish motives). Many times we desire communion with other believers in order that we may have power over them (even if that means simply using them to gain love or support). It is only through Christ that we can love - we are called to love others for the sake of Christ.

You really need to read the book yourself. It's also crazy to read it knowing that this was years before Bonhoeffer was thrown in prison and executed. It was before he made the decision to join the plot on Hitler's life. It was before all of that, and reading this book knowing the places his radical committment to the teachings of Christ took him is powerful indeed. I'm excited to finish this one and read his other books. The third book I checked out from the library by him is "Ethics." It was not published until after his death because it was against the law - the manuscripts were actually buried to avoid detection. Obviously the Nazis weren't so crazy about what he was thinking/writing/teaching.

Anyway, I've probably avoided homework for long enough now - I actually need to get a significant amount of "actual" reading done tonight, and blogging about Dietrich Bonhoeffer isn't helping me accomplish that. No regrets, though. :)

[There is a very good possibility I'm way too attached to the theme I have going on in my recent blog titles.]

not one but two ... part two

I have decided to start attending a second church.

Before you assume that I must be extremely pious, let me state my motivations for my choice.

I love the church I'm at right now. I love the people, and I've invested there. I don't want to leave. However, I have come to a point where I might begin losing my sanity if I don't find Christian friends. I simply can't do this whole loner thing anymore. I want to have people that I can relate to, that I can be real with. That's hard at my current church because of the fact that they all appear to be married. I am planning to go back to the other big church that I visited in September in hopes of getting plugged into a twenty-somethings (preferably single) group.

I would just go to the on campus group thing and get plugged into a small group with them, but to be honest, I need to be in a small group with people that are past college age, and that can't happen with a campus ministry composed of college students. I know I'm still going to school, but my friends from back home are all graduated from college now, and, let's face it...I'm at a slightly different place in life than a college freshman.

And so, I am going back to that big church because I know they have Saturday night services, so it won't conflict with my current committments. :)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

not one but two

Both of my computers died. Both were discovered dead in the same day (my desktop was probably damaged in transit from South Dakota to here, so I can't accuse it of having died in the same day as my laptop did). I was pretty upset about my laptop dying (even though it is being fixed for free) but by the time I discovered my desktop is no longer good for anything but taking up space in my closet, I just laughed. It doesn't matter, anyway. I've found that having a computer is a convenience, but no more than that. I am doing just fine without it - I just have to structure my days a little differently to allow for time on campus to write papers. And it'll be back in a few weeks...all is well.

I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm always thinking. Here's some of what I've been contemplating.

1) I think I'm going to continue my original plan of studying Modern Europe/Nazi Germany. I just couldn't choke down the thought of spending my life studying the Spanish Empire...and so I will go for it despite the potential obstacles. This means I need to study German hard core. I need to be as fluent in reading it as possible within two years. I'm considering whether or not I should spend money to actually take the classes, or whether it would be possible to teach myself if I find the right textbook (perhaps the 1950s "Beginning German" textbook I was using wasn't the best plan). Because the thing is, I am not required to take language classes here to pass the language requirements since I already took Spanish classes. German won't matter until I go on for my Ph.D. So, do I take the cheap route and gamble that it will be enough? I think so.

2) I've been reading C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity." Actually, this is part of a larger pursuit on my part of integrating my faith and learning (thank you, Northwestern?). There is a lot of stuff I'm reading in my history classes that seems horribly one-sided (on the side of atheism), and so I'm trying to read some other stuff as well. It has proved thus far to be incredibly rewarding. On a side note, I'm becoming more and more convinced that there is much to be said for a Christian attending a secular institution. There is so much less pressure on me to edit my belief system, something which I'm still processing... why is it that Northwestern and some of its professors seemed to encourage me more than my atheist professors here to question the validity of what I believe?

3) I'm going back to SD for Christmas, and I'm already planning out some of the things I will be filling my time with while there. I'm going to try to bring as many books back with me as my carry-on will permit, and I'm going to try to do some writing on what I discover about philosophy and apologetics. There is so much to be said about comparing the philosophies of someone like Marx to someone like C.S. Lewis - where do C.S. Lewis' arguments successfully put down the arguments of atheism, and in what ways do they fall short? (I'm not going to assume that C.S. Lewis is infallible...sorry...) To this end, I'm hoping to read more books by Lewis, as well as hopefully some of Bonhoeffer. I've read a few things by both of these authors, but I have never had the opportunity to read more, and I need to. After all, they represent the best of Christian apologetics and the challenge of Christianity in a modern world.

4) for now, I need to stop procrastinating and work on my paper...

Sunday, October 31, 2010

living life alone

Life isn't always wonderful...even in its most wonderful forms.

It's like this. I love being here, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Being here is an opportunity I am absolutely blessed to have. I love the people I am meeting and getting to know, and I love the chance to get paid to go to school. I love living by myself. I love my church. I love it all! :)

And yet, it is hard sometimes. It's hard to be a 22 year old single woman in a church where everyone's either older, younger, or married. Although I think they're wonderful, it's really hard for me to relate to them, and it's also really easy to feel intensely lonely. I honestly believe life isn't meant to be lived alone, and yet, at this point, I live my life alone. This is especially evident on Sunday mornings. I go to church alone, I leave alone. I drift from cluster to cluster alone, and there doesn't seem to be much hope of that changing. It can be somewhat depressing.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

homosexuality and Scripture

It's funny that I had to come out here - to the liberal capital of the country - to make this particular journey that I'm on. In the last weeks my eyes have been being opened to the ridiculous amount of false teaching that is present in this society.

Here's an example (extensive quotes below if you don't feel like wading through this):
http://commonwealmagazine.org/homosexuality-church-1 (particularly the first article on the page)
In light of that:
http://www.actsion.com/neognost.htm

My comments:
My church here has been talking a lot lately about false teaching, particularly the Gnostics from the early church and the ways that it is again manifesting itself in our society. I was very struck by this in Johnson's article on homosexuality and the church. Johnson writes, and I quote:

"I think it important to state clearly that we do, in fact, reject the straightforward commands of Scripture, and appeal instead to another authority when we declare that same-sex unions can be holy and good. And what exactly is that authority? We appeal explicitly to the weight of our own experience and the experience thousands of others have witnessed to, which tells us that to claim our own sexual orientation is in fact to accept the way in which God has created us. By so doing, we explicitly reject as well the premises of the scriptural statements condemning homosexuality—namely, that it is a vice freely chosen, a symptom of human corruption, and disobedience to God’s created order."

and later he says:

"We are fully aware of the weight of scriptural evidence pointing away from our position [emphasis mine], yet place our trust in the power of the living God to reveal as powerfully through personal experience and testimony as through written texts. To justify this trust, we invoke the basic Pauline principle that the Spirit gives life but the letter kills (2 Corinthians 3:6). And if the letter of Scripture cannot find room for the activity of the living God in the transformation of human lives, then trust and obedience must be paid to the living God rather than to the words of Scripture."

And.......

"If it is risky to trust ourselves to the evidence of God at work in transformed lives even when it challenges the clear statements of Scripture, it is a far greater risk to allow the words of Scripture to blind us to the presence and power of the living God."

If you read the whole article, be warned...the above quotes are only the beginning.

At this point, I find myself shaking slightly from shock that someone would pervert the truth like this. I wish I was smarter so that I could articulate exactly why this is wrong. Perhaps I will devote my Christmas break to writing on this subject. However, I would like to point out a few verses that come to mind:
1 Timothy 3: 16-17 - 16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Romans 1:18-19 - 18The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them.
Revelation 22:18-19 - 18I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book. 19And if anyone takes words away from this book of prophecy, God will take away from him his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in this book.
Deuteronomy 4:2 - Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the Lord your God that I give you.

There is one interesting thing to come out of this, something I think might be important to keep in mind. Our western society seems to have the idea that someone's sexuality defines them. Thus someone who is homosexual is defined to their core by this one thing. This, as the author of the second article in the first link I gave points out, is a recent phenomenon. I think it's important for Christians to keep in mind when talking about this subject, because when Biblical authors talked about homosexuality, they did not view it through the same cultural lens as we do. They saw homosexuality as a sin, alongside all the other sins, but the sin of a man sleeping with another man did not necessarily define that man as it does in our society. This is key for us to remember. I believe that there is no doubt that Scripture teaches that homosexual relations are a sin. However, this sin is listed along with a wide variety of other sins. Let us not forget this in our dealings in the world.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

stuck on campus

Sometimes I'm too nice. I emailed a student saying that I would be on campus till 11:30 so she could meet with me during that time if she wanted, but of course she hasn't checked her email, but theoretically she could still stop by...so I have to stay here. I'm very hungry and want to go home and have a quiet/internetless environment in which to do my homework, but alas, I cannot due to the fact that I still have a half hour remaining of my self-imposed imprisonment. And so, I blog. I have found blogging to be a great time-wasting device.

Class last night: I went in expecting to leave completely depressed (like I usually do). Fortunately, I did not leave entirely decimated. My emotions remained intact, which is always a good sign.

There's this really smart girl in that class. She seems to have memorized everything we've ever read and is able to tie all the different theorists together in very specific ways. She always says genius things. It's intimidating, but I've also come to terms with it in an odd sort of way. I will never be that intelligent, and it's become quite okay to languish in my mediocrity. It makes my fleeting moments of clarity and genius that much more wonderful. ;)

And, in any case, I got my Weber paper back, and got an A-. And not only that, but his only problem with it was EXACTLY what my problem with it was. So if only I had had my epiphany BEFORE class time and could have fixed the problem before handing it in, I may very well have gotten an A. It's always a perversely nice feeling to know that I know exactly what I did wrong before the professor even has to say anything...and know how I would have fixed it. And, it's an A-...a quite significant improvement from the first paper, which I got a B on. Now I just need to step it up once more for the next paper and get an A. :)

Foucault (the author of the book I read for this week's class) is absolutely insane. The basic understanding I had of him from my limited experience with him in college did not prepare me for his level of insanity. The guy believes that there is no identity, no "I," "you," "we," etc. There are just masks and behind those masks are just power struggles. People don't have innate characteristics...sexuality itself is just a historical construct. HA. I wonder if Foucault was ever in love? Maybe not? Or maybe he had his heart broken and was super cynical? I'm sure I'm completely misrepresenting him, and for that I apologize. But seriously, some of his ideas make me want to laugh out loud.

Monday, October 25, 2010

...mundane.

Yesterday I started reading the last fifty pages of Michel Foucault's The History of Sexuality at approximately 3:00 pm and finished at approximately 10:00 pm. Granted, I watched 1.5 movies in that time frame as well (using a short segment of a movie as a study break every half hour or so...yeah, that probably means I have serious difficulties focusing), but the fact remains that it took me about five hours to read fifty pages. Also noteworthy is the fact that I read each page twice - I would read a chapter and then read it again to take notes. It was probably the longest day on record though. Time seemed to crawl by. And then, when I finished Foucault, I still had two articles to read. So homework was crazy yesterday.

Fast-forward to today...I got my homework done in an hour and a half and spent the late morning/early afternoon doing laundry/cleaning the apartment. It's crazy how quickly things can change from hectic and busy to me trying to find something to do with my time. Of course, that will all change again at 7:00 pm tonight when I leave my historical theory class with yet another ridiculous book to read.

The more I read of these theorists, the more I shake my head. I'm not at all convinced by their big words and empty frameworks. In fact, it's absolutely ridiculous the mental gymnastics they put themselves through in a desperate attempt to describe a history devoid of any metaphysical presence. I mean, I like words. I even like using big words. But these people are ridiculous, and I hate to say that I am quickly losing respect for history as a discipline. If it's all meaningless, why try anyway? If there's no way to know the origin of history, then where is the meaning in life? I refuse to see life that way, and I refuse to buy the lie that there is no truth.

I'm memorizing Romans, and right now I'm working on the second half of the first chapter. This morning when I was walking to the bus stop I couldn't help but relate what I have been memorizing to historian philosophers like Michel Foucault. Romans 1:16-22 - "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'But the righteous man shall live by faith.' For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness. Because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools..." There might be more, but I haven't memorized that far yet. :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

changes

Fall is in the air. I feel it in the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet and see it in the cloud my breath makes in the morning as I walk to the bus stop. With the change in seasons, I am reminded how much my life has changed in the past two months. I am home here, but in an entirely new sense of "home."
~~~
The other day I decided to look back through my under grad papers, tests, quizzes, and class notes. I was appalled to see what I, at the time, thought of as top quality. It's crazy how time and experienced has matured me, how conditioned I have become to the historian's world. I'm not even sure I possess more intelligence than I did now...rather, I have been trained to fit in in this world. It is especially evident in the fact that they let me grade the papers of a course in African history. I have had no previous experience with African history, and yet I have been trained in the art of history, making me qualified to grade student papers and tests... it's bizarre, really, what separates them and I. Simply some level of expertise in operating in this world, I guess.
~~~
I've been doing a great deal of thinking about the reasons why I am here. I came here with the intention of going on to bigger and better things: a PhD. Now, as I realize that I may not be good enough for such an aspiration, I am confronted with the ugly side of me. Why did I ever come to think that my calling in life was to be the best? When did life become so much about competition that I was unable to imagine a world where I did not achieve whatever I put my mind to? It's horrifying, really. And so, I am attempting to retrain myself. I may not be the best, I may be barely mediocre. I may not achieve the admiration of my professors, and I may be the "bad apple" of the bunch. However, God has put me for a reason, and I only want to follow Him, to serve Him. I want to decrease so that He can increase. What does this look like? It certainly doesn't look like a prideful seeking after worldly recognition.

In the world of graduate history, it's all about intelligence in speech. All conversations are required to be witty, and one attempts at all times to sound nothing short of genius. Joking is centered around an elevation of self at the expense of those who are not as "enlightened." Often, I find myself using self-deprecating humor. This appears to be humble, right? However, I don't think it is...in a strange way my ability to make fun of myself is a source of pride. I need to seek humility in all aspects of my speech. I am not sure how this will work out, but I need to work on it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

rantings

Being a history graduate student is one of the most humbling experiences I have ever had. I leave classes feeling completely confused as to how I ever got here in the first place. Tonight's class was so frustrating - any time I attempted to put a coherent thought together it was either wrong or I was unable to articulate concepts that I understood but was unable to explain. I never take things far enough, and I am way too apt to accept that something relates without questioning why it relates or how it relates. A basic understanding of the tenets of a philosophy is not enough - here I am required to understand how those tenets relate to one another. It's hard...very hard.

I was also frustrated tonight by the fact that we were talking about an ideal-type of Calvinism, which I felt was Max Weber taking the theological premises of Calvinism and making conclusions on how people felt or acted as a result of believing those things. It's not that simple...not all Calvinists go through life terrified that they're not one of the chosen...I know, because I AM a Calvinist. I am not motivated by a need to prove my salvation, but rather by a desire to honor God. And further, my life is not about making money...and I understand that my theological beliefs are somewhat more complicated than the ideal-type that Weber laid out, but perhaps that's my problem in the first place... An ideal-type can only go so far in describing the complex motivations of people.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Today I saw an ad on craigslist for a girl that is seeking a Christian roommate, and I responded. So, we'll see where that leads. Most likely no where, although I must admit that having a roommate would take a significant amount of financial pressure off of me. And, I won't lie, having a friend would also be nice. At times it can get frustrating having no one in the area that I consider a close friend. I'm not complaining - my life is insanely wonderful right now and I love doing what I'm doing. And I don't mind living alone - it definitely has its advantages. However, paying $600 a month is not an advantage. At all.

I have concluded that late night/early morning is my most productive time - last night I got way more homework done between 10:30 pm and 2:30 am than I did in the entirety of the day prior to 10:30 pm. Oops.

Tonight I write my third grad school paper. It is on Max Weber's "The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism." Should be interesting. The book certainly is - he gives an "objective" look at the doctrine of predestination...which is something I ascribe to, and so it's interesting to read about it from a historical perspective and the ways it has worked itself out in society in the past. And it's also interesting to realize the ways that I don't measure up to his "ideal-type" of a Calvinist. That's probably good though...because I'm not sure if I like his ideal-type.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Things are changing so rapidly. I find myself confronting lies which have become intrinsic to the core of how I define myself, and am becoming more and more convinced that the entire structure of this world is fundamentally flawed.

Last night in the course of my small group's discussion of 1 John 1, I found connections being made that leave me wondering if perhaps my struggle against doubt in college was not due to a basic false teaching that leaves Christians without a basis for absolute truth as revealed in the Bible. What if dialectic is flawed? What if two people with alternative viewpoints sitting down and coming to some sort of consensus is the biggest reason that our culture is going astray? If truth is no longer found in the teachings of the Bible, but rather in the average of two opposing viewpoints, what is left?

What if the lack of "legitimate" Christian apologetics that can answer the demands of atheism is due to the fact that any attempt to answer the rational questions posed by atheist philosophers would use the same framework and thus render Christianity powerless?

I apologize - this probably makes little sense. I just felt compelled to write down some thoughts so I will have something concrete to come back to in the future.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

success, mediocrity, failure...three equally possible realities

Suffice it to say that graduate school is the craziest, hardest, most challenging, entirely overwhelming thing I have ever undertaken to accomplish.

In the process of six hours of non-stop laboring over twenty pages of economic/historical theory, I realized a few things:
1) anything less than everything I have will not be enough.
2) studying history makes me feel alive, even when it sucks.
3) mediocrity is a very real threat, because even my best may not be enough.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

immediate, complete, and unforgettable restoration

I came out here for a new start, and I found it. As time went on, though, I realized more and more that in some ways, a new start is only illusory. One can't run and hide from emotions - they may be more easily suppressed in a new place, but never entirely forgotten.
~~~
I stopped asking God for reconciliation just under a year ago. I thought the chance had passed me by, and instead started praying that I'd somehow be able to overcome the scars and live a relatively happy life in spite of the cloud that I was becoming convinced may never entirely leave me.
~~~
God's timing is never mine. In this new place, surrounded by an entirely new set of life's complexities, I was offered a chance to step back into the past. This weekend, God answered the prayer that I stopped praying so long ago.
~~~
With it finally all entirely in the past, I can for the first time say with all honesty that the cloud is gone. I no longer walk wounded, and I no longer fear that I will never be okay again. The change was immediate, is complete, and will be something I never forget.
~~~
God is good. He answers the prayers of us who have messed it up so badly that there seems to be no hope. He offers us the opportunity for reconciliation with one another just as He offers us reconciliation with His Father through His sacrifice on the cross.
~~~
Immediate, complete, and unforgettable restoration.
~~~
Romans 8:1-2, 31-32
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death....What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
~~~
Genesis 9:14-16
"Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on earth."

Monday, October 11, 2010

life as of late

Life is good, as it always is here in the West. I feel as if I got very little accomplished in the way of homework this weekend in comparison to the amount of time I devoted to getting homework done, but at the end of the day, that's fine with me. My weekend was wonderful.

Church yesterday was great - I found out some information on the piano front. The church doesn't own a keyboard, but when the pastor's wife found out I played piano and have a passion for worship-leading, she immediately became very excited - it turns out they're looking for a worship leader for a women's retreat in May. Within a space of about five minutes several members of the congregation came up to us and told us they have spare keyboards they don't use. So, I am not sure what will happen with that, but it was an interesting conversation nonetheless - especially because the conversation all started when I was asked about my hobbies and mentioned the piano.

The weather yesterday was beautiful. This was significant because I thought it was going to rain all day (according to weather.com) but it never rained at all. Each sunny day here is such a gift. It's actually one of my favorite parts of living out here - nice weather is a gift rather than a given.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

an answer to prayer

Sometimes it's incredibly easy to get caught up in life's difficulties and heartbreaks and feel as if God has abandoned the scene. Tonight I was given a reminder that God's timing is not always our timing, and that God's ways are not always our ways. Sometimes God takes his time in answering prayer, but only because it is in that waiting-time we are stretched and grown. Adversity stretches us, forcing us to rely on the only One who is trustworthy.

I am reminded of James 1...

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

I remember one night in particular in the summer of 2009. Life had stretched me to the breaking point, and I desperately needed God's wisdom and direction in making a choice that could potentially have a very large impact on my emotional well-being. Not knowing what else to do, I walked up the hill to the church above my farm to pray. I remember laying face-down on the floor in front of the altar in that small country church, crying out to God and praying the words from James that I just quoted. I was at a breaking point - I didn't know where to turn or how to handle the adversity that was present in my life, and I desperately desired the wisdom of God more than I think I ever have before or since. I determined to remain in that church until I had received wisdom from God. As I lay there listening, an incredible peace washed over me - a peace that clearly told me that everything was going to be alright - God was walking beside me and would not leave me. No matter where the road led from that point on, God would be walking with me. That night in that small South Dakota country church has never left me, many times I have clung to that moment when I needed to remember that God is in control, and that God's wisdom is available for the asking.

It was a long, long, long wait, but tonight God answered my prayer. Praise be to His Name.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

independence

I'm constantly surprising myself with my new-found identity as a single independent woman.

1) I clean. The other night I swept the floors, scrubbed them where necessary, scrubbed other things. I don't have massive piles of clothes in every corner of my bedroom. It seems that responsibility has made me a new woman.

2) I cook. I made tacos yesterday. Score. Ok, so this requires no skill. But still. :)

3) I bake. I MADE COOKIES! For those of you who know me well, I don't even like cookies (well, I eat them, but I don't choose to make them, and I don't usually seek them out or crave them). And I haven't made cookies since childhood. I'm surprised, but they turned out quite well if you ask me. Not burnt, not dry, just pure deliciousness. :)

4) I quite enjoy living by myself, and might be slightly bummed if I ever am required to get a roommate.

All of this lends itself to the conclusion that I am much more...domestic...than I ever imagined myself being. And not only that, but I like it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

a twist in the road

I came to graduate school dead-set on studying Nazi Germany. I had spent the previous year beginning to study the German language and was so excited to take classes on Modern Central Europe.

I got here, and suddenly everything changed when I was informed that the Central Europe professor retired last spring. The entire purpose of me coming out here=gone.

Although I am on one level disappointed and rather conflicted, I cannot say this disappointment is profound. After all, one of the reasons it was so hard for me to make the commitment to grad school in the first place was that I have such broad interests. And so I find myself starting from scratch, attempting to decide to what I want to devote my life's studies.

What are my options, you may ask?

1) the American Southwest. I did a little bit of research/writing on cultural history in the American Southwest during my undergrad. It was interesting. At the time I didn't feel as if it was something I wanted to continue studying indefinitely, but it is always something I can fall back on, especially since I already know Spanish.

2) Along the Spanish lines, I could always go with Latin American history. Honestly, though, I don't think I will be doing this - I simply don't have the background to inspire interest in anything specific.

3) I could go with some variation on Jewish history. This would intersect nicely with the Holocaust, although in a slightly different way than I had imagined at the outset.

4) Then, of course, there is my long-standing fascination with early American history. Colonial America is fascinating to me, and early American history, particularly the antebellum South.

5) 16th and 17th century Europe. Witchcraft was particularly fascinating to me when I took a class on Modern Europe in college.

I do know that I find myself particularly drawn to religious history. No matter what geographical area or time period I find myself in eventually, I do know that religious history will be my focus.

So, basically, I'm slightly conflicted, but in a good way. I have a lot of options. I just need to start talking to the professors here and find out what they have to say about these options. :)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Sabbath

I finished all my homework last night in order to take today off. It's wonderful. I love homework, and I love grad school, but it's really nice to have a day of rest from it all.

Last night I wrote my first grad school paper. And it wasn't even really a history paper, but rather a paper that compared McDonalds to Marxian economics. It is a weird experience writing a paper at my apartment by myself with no internet to distract me (whenever I wrote papers in college I'd do it over a time span of a few days at least and would be constantly distracted by facebook). This time I sat down at the computer at 8:15pm to start writing and was done (editing and all) by 12:30 am. It was a good feeling, although I confess I was feeling entirely insane by the time I was done - talking to myself and the whole bit! :)

This morning I went back to North Shore again (I've chosen it as my church) and it was great. The music was good, the sermon was good, and the people are so welcoming and wonderful! I met some more people, ate some delicious cake after the service, and then was invited to go to IHOP with a family from the church. That was really fun - it was nice to have the chance to talk to them, to learn about the church and the area, to learn their family's story, and to feel like I actually know some people there. They have two kids who are in high school (the boy's a sophomore and the girl's a freshman) and it was a ton of fun.

I'm excited to start small groups this Wednesday. I'm excited for what God is doing in this church and am excited to get to know more of the people so I am more than just the new girl that everyone wants to meet. :)

Today I am going to explore Bellingham (as soon as I get off the computer, that is. :) ) I am planning to head down to the bay and explore Boulevard Park. It's not clear and sunny today like it has been the last few days, but it's not raining, and I intend to take full advantage of this Sabbath day. :)

God is good.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

getting to real life

I think I've come to a place of belonging. I no longer gape at my surroundings like a kid in a candy factory. I am no longer terrified that I'll get on the wrong bus and become hopelessly lost in a city I don't completely understand. One-way streets are ceasing to inspire fear and confusion in me. I have even gone grocery shopping for the second time. Life is settling down to a new normal.

Reality also has set in in the form of homework. For the past three days, all I have done is homework. From the time my body wakes itself up before my alarm (crazy, right?) to the late hour that I finally allow myself to get some rest, I am either working on homework or performing necessary tasks in order to maintain my ability to do homework (thank you Marx?). It's not as if I'm completely focused on homework all of the time - the internet is a welcome diversion - and there are times when I take a break to have a much needed phone conversation with friends. However, my days are focused on homework in their entirety. I know it's time to go to bed when I have [hopefully] finished all necessary homework for the given day.

How do I feel about this new [albeit familiar] normal?

I love it. There are moments when I wish I had free time, but there are many more moments when the work that I am doing makes me feel absolutely alive. Last night I had one of those moments. I won't go into the messy details for those of you who could care less about the labors of an aspiring historian, but suffice it to say that I was insanely hyper, giddy, etc., at the opportunity to draw my own conclusions from a source and then compare it to another source.

A few things I have learned since coming to Bellingham:
1) Riding a bike down a hill in the rain and attempting to make a sharp turn at the bottom with brakes that are less than satisfactory can easily result in a spill... [don't worry, Mom, I'm fine.]
2) If you're looking for a cheap and not very effective but better-than-nothing way of heating an apartment, leaving the oven door open after finishing baking something works (as long as you have already shut the oven off before doing so).
3) People are people. Especially in the context of American culture. Much could be made of the differences between home and here, but at the end of the day, it has been incredibly simple to assimilate into this "culture."

I have found a church, I do believe. It's the one I wrote about in a previous post. It's small, the people love each other, and I felt very welcome there. More importantly, they are focused on God's Word and reaching out to a lost world. I feel some pressure to find a place where I can play piano, but to be honest, at this point, I don't really care. I would love to be involved with the worship team at my new church, but all in its time. At this point, I must be completely honest and say that my experience playing piano at my home church burned me out a little. I loved it, and it's not that I didn't like the act of playing piano. I did feel uncomfortable about the attention that it brought, though. It bothered me a great deal that I was a lot of the time the only person accompanying the songs, because I felt as if sometimes the focus was placed solely on me and my talents rather than on the act of worshiping God. If I am involved on a worship team in the future, I want the focus to be completely removed from the worship team...so that I am able to be used by God and yet remain completely out of the spot light.

I have a feeling my life will radically change during my time here, in one way or another. I am excited about the changes, because they will no doubt play a role in shaping me into the person God wants me to be.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

a basic problem

I've been reading Marx lately. No comment on that, but it does help to explain why I am thinking on the topic of economic systems.

I just wanted to put this out there.

It is a true tragedy that over the course of time we have succeeded in blinding ourselves to this horrible truth: in order for one to get richer, another must become poorer.

That, I think, is my problem with capitalism. It seems to suggest, at least in practice, that the goal of life is to accumulate as much wealth as possible, and this is done through taking it from others. As a Christian, how am I to deal with this?

Friday, September 24, 2010

Campus Christian Fellowship

Tonight I decided to check out the first meeting of CCF. I had no idea what they were and what they do except that it is a Christian organization on campus that meets on Friday evenings. I was picturing 20 or 25 folding chairs circled up in a dimly lit empty room where a few brave souls come out of the woodwork and meet weekly to talk about God.

WRONG.

I showed up, and quickly realized this is a big deal. It was in a huge lecture hall, and the place was PACKED. This room is the biggest lecture hall on campus, and they've outgrown it, so they are using another smaller lecture hall downstairs as well. Two rooms packed full of Christians eager to worship.

I walked in, feeling like I had come home. People were insanely welcoming, and I met so many friendly, beautifully vibrant people. I realized immediately the difference between this place and the Christian college I attended for my undergrad - these people are serious. They come to this place out of a need to meet with like-minded people. They come to worship, and they come in refuel in their quest to bring Christ to the lost on campus. There weren't debates on obscure matters of theology, there weren't a bunch of cliques coming together to pretend to have community. These people love each other, and they are committed to bringing Christ to the lost.

THIS has been my heart cry every since getting here. THIS is what I came here for. I desire to live out my faith in a radical, real way. I desire to step away from questioning and an inward faith unaccompanied by works. I desire to bring Christ to my unsaved colleagues in the history department. I desire to be used by God in an act of worship to Him.

I'm not sure if I was even supposed to be there as a graduate student, or if other graduate students go. I didn't meet any. It doesn't even matter though, because tonight I was reminded in a powerful way of my calling as a believer in Jesus Christ.

To go.