I am fully convinced I live in the most wonderful city on earth. I never want to leave.

What does it mean to live without hope? Why do I allow myself to dream of the future only in a "that will never happen to me" sort of way? Why must I constantly shut down hopes of grad school with statements about my lack of worth and the eventuality of me working retail or waitressing? Why cannot I permit myself to dream unhindered by rationalizations?

While finding joy in the present is good and right, I want to be able to hope for the future. Not because it will necessarily happen. But because it is what I want to happen. Holding onto my dreams with open hands, but holding them nonetheless, perhaps I learn to live with even more joy in the present.

the beautiful curse

Most of the time I find joy in the mundane. In every day. In waking up in this beautiful city that I get to call my own for two years. In a beautiful sunset over a breath-taking bay or an idyllic sun-rise over the mountains. Most of the time I find joy in laughter, in irony, or in good conversation.

Today I will strive to find joy in hope.

Sometimes it seems as if the emergence of hope is more of a curse than anything. Especially when that hope is something that has always seemed elusive and unattainable in the first place. Especially when hope died for good reason. Along with the exhilarating nature of hope comes the crushing knowledge that it will probably be short-lived, just like every time before...

And yet, hope reminds me I'm alive. That my course is not set, and that life is full of good surprises. Hope reminds me that my Savior didn't stay dead. Hope reminds me of miracles, of grace, and of the beauty of a new morning.

And so I'll take the curse. I'll take the constant crush of emotion at the knowledge that this hope is so illusory and probably fleeting if it means that I get to experience the joy of the unknown, of hope untainted by knowledge of the future, of hope yet unsullied by experience.

life update

Well, it's been a while since I've posted a "mundane" blog entry. And I miss it, simply for its lack of controversy. So here we go.

School started yesterday. It's shaping up to be a delightful quarter. I'm TAing for two profs - one who is the new Modern Germany professor (:D) and one who is the prof I took a Canadian history seminar from last fall. I am really excited about the Modern Germany prof for obvious reasons (although the class I'm helping him with is just a general European history from 1713-present class), but I'm also really excited to get another chance to learn Canadian history. And she's SUCH a nice person. I think I will really enjoy working with her. I will also be helping with discussion groups in that class... dun dun dun...

I have moved and now live with people. It's different, but nice. I live way further from campus, which is weird, but I live close to the bus line so it's no big deal.

I've been sick for the past few days. But I woke up this morning and I am pretty sure the cold is on its way out! So I'm super excited about that. I have been medicating (with ibuprofen, dayquil, and Advil cold and sinus) heavily hoping to make it go away, and my theory about "symptoms only" medications working to take away a cold has once again been proved. I remember in high school and early college when I refused medication out of the idea that it wouldn't really help anything anyway. Not only was I miserable, but I was miserable for weeks or even months at a time. I remember one cold lasting from July to October because it turned into a sinus infection which I didn't treat and it just fed on itself for FOREVER. If I treat symptoms, it can't feed on itself, and I get better much more quickly. Which I'm all for. :)

I'm done at Walmart. Sad day. Sort of. They told me they'd be happy to take me back, though. So maybe I'll go back some day. lol...that's so sad. But, if I could stick around for long enough, it would *start* to be relatively well-paying. They do give decent yearly raises, and if I got into management it would also be more financially feasible. So if not ph-d...maybe retail. D: Not thrilled about that statement. Not thrilled at all.

the end of "church?"

Today I had the most incredible conversation. It wasn't at a small group, it wasn't at church, and it wasn't at a bible study. (most of the really good conversations don't happen at those places, anyway, sadly enough.) It happened spontaneously, and it changed so much for me.

Ironically enough, this conversation ended up being about the end of church as an institution. But that's getting ahead of myself...

The conversation in question began as a rather innocent discussion of the problems with doing "church" here in Washington (at least at the two churches represented in the conversation). Of the marketing schemes churches engage in in an attempt to drawn "seekers" in. The emphasis on evangelism in a "bring more people to our church rather than the one down the street" sort of way. The difficulty in getting people to come to Bible study, or if they come, to engage. The lack of true discipleship in favor of counting baptisms or numbers of people at the altar in a given year. The effort to gain members, to offer more "ministries," and to build a fancier building. The problem of trying to "church" an "unchurched" culture which sees no social obligation attached to church attendance.

I love the church that I attend. Or, perhaps more accurately, I love the people that make it up. Although we're not perfect (who is?), this post is not directed at any specific church. Rather, this post is directed at the ideal type American church. Basically, this post is directed at my perception of what "church" in America has become about.

Anyway, back at the ranch (figuratively speaking, of course), the conversation moved to my probable relocation next year, and the type of church I would look for after I move. My honest answer? I'm not sure that what I'm looking for in an "ideal church" (a hopelessly hypocritical contradiction in and of itself, given that one of the things that drives me nuts about American church is the need to find a church that perfectly caters to the perceived needs of the individual seeking a church) exists in the walls of a church building.

I think the church is dying, or at least is on its way to dying. Maybe it's already dead in any real sense. After all, on what is an institution built (even if built on an entirely true creed) if its members do not love their neighbors? If its members do not long for the things of God with every breath, what is its purpose? An elaborate social networking place? A place to hang out, to be served, and to go home feeling fed? What is the point of "truth" if it does not result in sacrificial love and service to the broken?

What I'm looking for is this: A small group of individuals who meet together regularly, (but in relative secret - see Matt 6:5 for my rationale), to pursue God together. A group who is committed to each other no matter the cost. A safe place where there is no "off topic" conversation topic. A group without a paid leader, without a budget of any kind, except an offering for the sole purpose of service to the hurting, broken, and lacking. A group who shares with one another as if they were blood relatives. A group who takes discipleship seriously, who is not afraid to walk the hard road, and who always pursues the narrow and elusive path of hardship even in the easy times. A group that is composed of believers who live sacrificially, loving their neighbors more than themselves. Believers that live fully in the world, loving the tax collectors and sinners - never forgetting that what they do to the least of these, they do to Jesus. A group that does "not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing," but also does not equate "church" with "best way of meeting together." I'm looking for a place where I can love God, where I can seek Him, where I can grow in my walk with him, where I can make disciples (and be discipled), and where I can lead and serve both my brothers and sisters and the world at large. Not so I can make a difference or change the world, but because I am coming to the conclusion that life is not about winning converts to a creed but about remaining true to Christ's call to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, no matter the personal cost.

That's what I want in a "church" (and I use that term loosely). And it's awfully utopian and awfully unrealistic. And I promise I don't want a cult. But it's what I want. Part of me hopes that this could spring from the church as it is now. A large part, because it would be so much less painful. But I believe that something big needs to change, and I want to give my life in pursuit of it.

walking on the waves

I didn't know what I was doing
when I stepped out of this boat,
I said I'd forsake all and follow,
Not knowing where You'd lead.

And You brought me here
to all these questions without answers,
For even in the futility of the quest
You prove more than enough

My eyes are fixed on You
And I'm hoping not to sink,
I'm praying that You're here
To keep me walking on these waves.

As I learn to trust
Teach me also to go
For I can't stay here forever
Walking on these waves.

this one's for the doubters

So tonight I decided to read some more of a blog I've been reading recently (see previous post). I started out reading his thoughts on "Love Wins" by Rob Bell, and it quickly became apparent that the author of the blog holds to universalism (the idea that all will be saved, not just Christians). I started following some links to previous entries, and came across this:

http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2010/05/george-macdonald-real-emerald-city.html

I've never been too interested in the whole idea of universalism. After all, I have a whole list of verses that have always kept me content that I must hold to a certain creed to be saved.

I have, however, become somewhat disturbed by the disconnect between a "pray the prayer and be saved" theology and the sermon on the mount. Jesus seems to be so "this worldly" in his sermons and teachings, particularly the sermon on the mount. At the same time, reading through said sermon right now, Jesus refers repeatedly to things such as "you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matt 5:20) and being "in danger of the fire of hell" (5:22).

The questions this man raises in his blog, however, are questions of the sort that Christians cannot afford to run from anymore. After attending a year or two at a Christian college, I had so many questions to the point of almost losing my faith. I know there are more like me, and many more who do walk away from the faith of their youth. And I think I may understand a small bit why they do. It's hard to have questions in evangelical Christianity. It's hard to be "the doubter" or the one who asks questions like "what if those evil universalists have it right?" It's hard to step outside of the carefully prescribed box of orthodoxy, even if only to ask a question. It's scary for me to be real on this blog, because I'm so terrified of being judged (which may say more about my people pleasing ways than anything, but that's another matter).

Even if Rob Bell and this blogger are wrong, I am coming to firmly believe that evangelical Christians need to stop dismissing their questions as irrelevant. Love Wins may not end up to be right in the final analysis, but is it going to kill us to talk about it free of assumptions and fear?

Maybe fear is the problem. I believe that many Christians are terrified. Terrified that what they believe may not be right. If they're not right, what else aren't they right about? What does that then mean for their eternal destination? This fear causes knee-jerk reactions and closes down conversations. Which is fine for everyone except the doubters. It's fine for everyone except the wandering soul who doesn't know quite what to believe anymore. It's fine for everyone except exactly those the church claims to be trying to reach.

Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?

Have you ever had one of those moments (or a "moment" extended over a few days) where you felt as if the way you viewed the world was shifting so rapidly and so entirely that nothing could ever be the same again?

I have had similar sensations before, when the Spirit of God was moving in my heart, changing the way that I thought in big ways. But this is somehow different. Although I do not know exactly where this path is leading me, I do know it is leading me to a place where I will not be the same.

It's scary, because change isn't change unless accompanied by action. At what conclusions will I arrive, and what action will that require of me? Only God knows. But I pray that I will be equal to the challenge. For it's easy to think, so hard to act.

As I was writing this, I flipped open Bonhoeffer's Letters and Papers to a poem entitled "The Friend." The fourth verse reads as follows:

When the spirit touches
man's heart and brow
with thoughts that are lofty, bold, serene,
so that with clear eyes he will face the world
as a free man may;
when then the spirit gives birth to action
by which alone we stand or fall;
when from that sane and resolute action
rises the work that gives a man's life
content and meaning -
then would that man,
lonely and actively working,
know of the spirit that grasps and befriends him,
like waters clear and refreshing
where the spirit is cleansed from the dust
and cooled from the heat that oppressed him,
steeling himself in the hour of fatigue -
like a fortress to which, from confusion and danger,
the spirit returns,
wherein he finds refuge and comfort and strengthening,
is a friend to a friend.

I am particularly struck by Bonhoeffer's repeated reference to action, for that is what I feel compelled toward. Action.

I arrived in Bellingham a year ago tonight. My first months here were characterized by nearly unprecedented passion for sharing my hope and faith with all who I came across. I don't know if that passion always translated into action in the way I would have hoped, but emotionally speaking I was standing on a high mountain. I remember talking to a very dear friend a while back about the delicate balance between faith/emotion and action/deeds. My friend was at a point in life where she was focusing on her relationship with God, and I was at the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling a pull to works, not as a means of salvation but as the only real expression of my faith. We talked about how interesting it was that both perspectives are so important, and that we were learning exactly the opposite at the same time.

You see, not so long ago I came out of a period of intense doubting of my faith, and at times even the very existence of God. One of the things I learned through this time was that my faith had to be a conscious choice - not just an emotion to be fed by my environment. Perhaps that is one of the biggest lessons I've learned here in Washington. I may not always "feel" God. In fact, I may never again be certain of his presence in the sense that I used to be so certain that the emotions I felt were proof of God's existence and physical/spiritual nearness. As I have been realizing in the past few days, the "absence of God" may be the very real consequence of pursuing "enlightened" learning.

And yet, I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He came to die, and that he rose again for the forgiveness of sins. And this creed compels me to live my life as an act of worship.

All through college I struggled with the nature of emotion in worship. I wondered how much of "worship" was me, and how much was actually the Holy Spirit. What if I was missing the point entirely? What if God isn't in the emotion, isn't in the obvious, isn't in the powerful? What if he's in the weak, the sorrowful, and in the broken? What if He can be truly found only in and through righteous action on behalf of the "least of these?"

I was so challenged by something I was reading last night. I can't remember if it was a direct quote by Bonhoeffer, or something the blogger (for part of the series I'm talking about, see this link. Links to the entire series can be found here. http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2010/12/letters-from-cell-92-part-3-world-come.html ) who was extensively quoting Bonhoeffer said, because at times the two intersected very closely. But in any case the blogger argued that Bonhoeffer believed that worship and prayer and acts of personal piety were to be done in secret - that the church needed to keep secret and mystery in its worship of God, and that all the world should see is a heart of love for the hurting and downtrodden. Not in a cultish no-one-can-know-what-we-really-think sort of way, but in the "don't pray on the street corners to be seen by men" sort of way.

That resonated with me in a big way. Not only did it make that teaching of Jesus come to life for me, but it also seems to me to really make sense. My non-Christian friends aren't going to be impressed by my attempts to save their souls. They're not going to be convinced by me into belief. They may, though, be moved by love. By selflessness and sacrifice. By crying for justice in a world that spurns justice in favor of selfish pursuit of self. Only in loving the hurting and in advocating for the oppressed can we make a real difference in this hopeless world.

For the Messiah did not come as a King. He wasn't popular, he wasn't handsome. He didn't come to make a name for himself, and he wasn't successful by any worldly terms of measurement. He came as a suffering servant, and he was rejected by his Father. He shed his divinity to take on the sin of the world. He brought hope through selfless action on behalf of the hopeless. But most of all, we did not recognize him.

Do we recognize him yet? Have we made Jesus into a powerful King when the miracle of the incarnation is that Jesus suffers still, forgotten and abused? "For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat..." (Matthew 25:35)

Most important of all, what will I do with this new understanding of my "calling" as a follower of a suffering, humble Christ who did not come to be served by to serve and give His life as a ransom for many? What ramifications does this have for my life?

Here are some thoughts:
1) I must make tangible, immediate, and sacrificial steps toward doing as Jesus did. I must seek out ways to love and serve the poor, the hungry, and the broken. Whatever the cost.
2) My Christianity may not look like the Christianity of others. I must stop making "sharing my faith" into a spiritual "battle." I must quit making my life about trying to convert people to my side and instead love and serve everyone I meet, in secret.
3) My faith should not be characterized by church. My faith should be characterized by action in the world on behalf of Jesus. In fact, I am ministering to Jesus when I feed the hungry or clothe the naked. While it is important for me to maintain "a relationship" with God, and while prayer and Scripture reading/study are vitally important, these things are not an end in and of themselves. Not swearing and watching only clean movies and tv are great things, but if these things are what make me a "good Christian," woe is me. My checklist of do's and don't's can no longer define my life. Action must define me. No more excuses.

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26-27)

a whirlwind

The past 24 hours has been such a whirlwind. I stumbled on a blog last night: http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com and I have been so challenged by his treatment of Bonhoeffer's Letters and Papers. Other articles that he has written seem to be written right to me and my struggle as an academic in a world that no longer has any need of God. I have come to a whole new understanding of what Bonhoeffer meant by what he said, and I have a whole new set of things to consider in my quest to figure out what my calling is as a Christian in a broken world.

I feel bad for my facebook profile, it has been inundated with Bonhoeffer quotes.

I think I am especially challenged by Bonhoeffer's conception of God as weak. It makes such perfect sense when considered in the light of passages such as Isaiah 53 or Philippians 2. I am challenged by the challenge to live the "Christian" part of our life in secret - to keep prayer and worship a private activity and to instead let the world see Jesus through our love and care for the world. I am challenged by the blogger's conclusions (based on Bonhoeffer's) that our calling is to reach out to others, not to concentrate on improving our relationship with God. (see http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2009/08/bait-and-switch-of-contemporary.html )

Most of all, I'm excited to more fully explore this in relation to the Scriptures. I am excited to take this new understanding of what Bonhoeffer meant by religionless Christianity and test it to see for myself if it matches up with what the Bible teaches. And I am filled with hope, because I think that it is quite possible that I have stumbled upon something that may change the very course of my life.

my jumbled epiphany

Following are some jumbled thoughts as I read about Bonhoeffer and "religionless Christianity."
Bonhoeffer's central point was not religionless Christianity, but rather "who is Christ for us today?" One of the things that Bonhoeffer then asked (there were three things) was how should we live in a "world come of age?"

A world in which God is "dead" is good because it forces Christians to not rely on a powerful version of God created by institutional, religious Christianity, but to instead look to the cross, where Christ became weak and powerless. His humility and powerlessness is where true strength lies.

Bonhoeffer's "a world come of age" refers to a world that has no scientific need for God anymore. Religion has been forced to only questions of eternal significance now (e.g. where will I go when I die?) What if that too can be explained without God? What then? Thus Bonhoeffer urges Christians to live as if God is dead. He even claims that God wants us to live as if he is absent from the world, because that is exactly what directs our attention to the cross. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

In some ways, this seems a rather large theological leap - to go from that one quote about God forsaking Jesus on the cross to God forsaking the whole world. And yet, something rings true about it. Verses like "strength made perfect in weakness" come to mind. Christ taking the form of a servant. He didn't come as a powerful king. He came as a weak servant.

Furthermore, Bonhoeffer is arguing that the religious Christianity's God is a human construction. A powerful God who rules from afar is not the God of Scripture at all. Only in a religionless world does the powerful far off God die so that we are able to see the God who came to this world and still lives in this world, among the weak and suffering.

Wow.

Mind. blown.

Hmm...suddenly the Bonhoeffer of Letters and Papers from Prison makes a lot more sense.

Questions:
How do I reconcile the God of the OT with this - a powerful, wrathful God - certainly one to whom the Psalmists prayed for deliverance and vengeance?

religionless christianity

"While I'm often reluctant to mention God by name to religious people--because that name somehow seems to me here not to ring true, and I feel myself to be slightly dishonest (it's particularly bad when others start to talk in religious jargon; I then dry up almost completely and feel awkward and uncomfortable)--to people with no religion I can on occasion mention him by name quite calmly and as a matter of course." ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer~

This is haunting. I can relate all to well to this...

stream of consciousness

Things I am thinking (welcome to my mind):

I wonder if I can play the game "Bang!" online. Oh, no, I can't. Sad day.

I wish that single people had the equivalent of wedding showers so I could get free stuff. I'd ask for all board games. Forget dishes and towels. Risk ALL THE WAY. Oh, and Bang! with all its expansions. I haven't played that game in way too long.

I'm scared of my car repair bill. I'm getting it fixed right now...and I'm waiting for the phone call of doom. AHH. I want to sell my car so bad. If only I didn't need it to have independence.

The last two days I have gotten up at 7:30 am. I go to bed like a normal person and wake up like a normal person! It's kinda weird to have the whole morning to do stuff... But nice.

Speaking of do stuff, tomorrow I need to finish moving out of my apartment and hand in my key. I hope I get my deposit back from them and from the electric company... that might make this car repair bill slightly less terrible...

AHH.

It's beautiful outside today. I love September in Washington...it has been hotter this month than all summer... lol. Today I got Subway and there weren't any empty seats inside so I had to eat out on a bench on the sidewalk in the sun. I almost melted. Almost. But then I walked to a cafe, found internet, and here I am. Mountain Dew has never tasted so good.

I love my life. I love loving life, and enjoying every day for what it is - another chance to make memories.

Well, the call of doom arrived. Brake calipers went out because I drove too long metal on metal. Sad. day. Oh well, I don't feel too bad because it is totally not my fault that it started going bad over labor day weekend, and not only that, the weekend that I happened to absolutely need my car to move and had to drive it a ton. It is my fault I suppose that I didn't get the rotors replaced a month or two ago, but I don't know enough about cars to know how long I had on them...so I will live.

Googling calipers... I guess they don't cost too much in and of themselves... But then I suppose I will need pads and all as well.... so this should be a fun bill. Especially with the transmission fluid flush that I'm also having done.... maybe I should have held off on that one....

Okay, I'm going to stop this random thought puking now. I'm annoying myself.

ode to Cambridge Square

363 days ago I left for the West.

Today some friends (to whom I am forever indebted :)) helped me move my furniture to my home for the next (at least) 10 months. I will not sleep in my apartment ever again.

It's kinda crazy to think about that. Even with all of its flaws (and there were many), it was home for the last year.

Things I will miss:
1) no internet (seriously...it was good for me in more than one way)
2) biking or walking to campus for internet at midnight (sounds crazy, but it's become second nature in the last year)
3) my door handle that doesn't work so I could just push my door open if it wasn't locked. (it came in handy, let me tell you)
4) the pop machine in the parking lot
5) the free furniture for grabs by the dumpster
6) the chance to be entirely alone whenever I wanted (both a blessing and a curse)

That's about it. It was a pretty terrible apartment objectively speaking, and with my terrible furniture and making no attempt to decorate, it was nothing to write home about.

But it was home. So here's to my first "real" apartment, and the memories I will carry with me forever of crazy budgeting, quiet evenings with a stack of DVDs from Western's library, and countless Totino's frozen pizzas (with liberal amounts of ranch for dipping).

slightly less than mundane

I have had an interesting week.

I've started moving into my new living quarters. I've discovered through this process how much stuff I have...and that fact needs to change by next summer so that I can attempt to get it all in one car to move it to wherever I go... I will probably discard a lot of my dishes, sell a bunch of my books online (especially obscure ones for classes that I didn't even care about at the time), and get rid of all the other random free stuff that I've picked up over the years and just kept because I was too afraid to get rid of it. It should be interesting to get everything into my new room without it looking like a miniature version of "The Hoarders." While it would be nice to not have to buy new kitchen stuff next year, I also know that what I have right now cost me next to nothing, and I should be able to repeat that process at a Goodwill at the next town I move to. No big deal. I hate stuff. I hate that it ties me down. I hate, hate, hate it.

I have been working days at my job (the job that I quit today, or at least gave my two weeks notice of quitting). I've been going to bed at 11 and getting up at 6:30.... the normal-ness of it has been refreshing. Of course I didn't sleep exceptionally well the first few nights. I kept thinking I was just napping.

I have done absolutely nothing productive (besides moving stuff) in the last week. I have been locked out of my office building during the hours I'm on campus - it is the inter-session time so no one is ever here and they keep the buildings locked a lot more. The problem was that I had all of my thesis stuff in my office, so I was quite irate. For whatever reason the building was open this evening when I came here, so I will be able to bring a book home and hopefully start and finish one more book before school starts back up. If I do so, I will have managed to read 6 books this summer for my thesis. Not bad, I suppose...especially considering I haven't read a word over the past few weeks. I did have a chance to finish the book When Women were Priests, though, so that was good. Nothing more to really say on that topic. A lot of the second half of the book was pretty repetitive.

I signed a ten month lease.... ten months from now I might be leaving this town. That's crazy to think about since I've already been here for twelve months. So much needs to happen before then...