Tuesday, April 27, 2010

"love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself"

Now that I feel like I have come to some sort of peace on the "emotion" question in regards to its place in my life and faith, I feel as if I am able to move forward. I feel ready to fight the battle for my heart again, to strive to honor God with every part of who I am - my emotions, my actions, and my intellect. This is truly the battle for me - allowing every part of me to be caught up in who God is. I feel as if the major temptation for me the past months has been to allow my faith to become something entirely intellectual and practical. To form a theology and make that the basis of why I call myself a Christian. To do good deeds to seal the deal. However, I don't think that is possible. There needs to be a passion behind it, a relationship with God. And a relationship is about emotion, I think. Yes, it's about commitment. But I think that includes emotional commitment. I think about someone I love. I get excited to see someone I love. I long for someone I love. My day is not okay without the presence of the one I love.

I MUST strive to give all my energy to loving God. Because out of that love springs all the rest. I must not lose sight of that fact. I must not allow myself to fall into the trap of thinking I can serve God without actively loving him with all of my HEART.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

so much to say!

Where to start? I guess I could start in a way that will best fit with the name of this blog (mundane made beautiful), and update you on my life.

Saturday night I spent in Orange City! It was so wonderful (my stays in Orange City always are). I'm getting very addicted to visiting Orange City and am getting majorly depressed (not entirely joking on this one) that in two weeks it'll be over. First a few of us went on a random jaunt around campus taking pictures...my first pictures taken at NW since graduating. That was a great time. We also ate at Taco Johns. Eventually we noticed that a storm was coming, so a few of us decided to change clothes and run around in the rain. The rain was FREEZING and it was hailing a little, but it was entirely worth it and a GREAT memory. We actually played a great game of "sneak across campus without pedestrians seeing us" and laughed a TON...and then got super cold because we were entirely soaked through with hail and rain. Later a bunch of us went to the Hatchery. I had a strawberry daquiri (sp?) (virgin, for those of you who just judged me :P) and it was beyond delicious. We played Apples to Apples, and laughed a lot.

I consider my Northwestern friends my second family...I love them all so much...and I don't know what I will do when they all leave in under two weeks. Probably cry. A lot. I didn't realize just how much this would hurt...I didn't realize how much I would have come to care about a group of friends...I was not prepared for this, at all. It's like freshman year when Rachel left school, only magnified by about 10.

Anyway, enough with the sob fest.

I'm really going to be so relieved to be done with this phase of life (the Beresford part of the equation.) I miss studying so much...the time I spend here at home studying German or reading is what keeps me sane. I like my jobs I guess...but only as a way to pass the time and make some money doing it. I love history and language and feel an unexpectedly intense NEED to be a student again. The closer I get the more emotional I get about it. I am SO EXCITED.

On an entirely different note, I have been thinking a lot this weekend about my relationship with Jesus Christ.

This morning in church I sang "Revelation Song." I didn't decide until last night that I would sing that song instead of "It Is Well." This morning as I prepared, though, I was really struck by my NEED to sing that song, and for the personal meaning that it held for me. It's really hard to explain, but I'm going to try anyway.

The last few years have been intense. Good, bad, everything. The way I used to think was intensely challenged in college, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I believe. (I no longer consider myself a Republican, for one. I just can't do it... No, I'm not Democrat, don't worry, Mom. haha... I'm just...completely confused I guess. Sick and tired of politics and sick and tired of the idea that Christianity and American culture are intrinsically connected. But that's besides the point.) I guess I became somewhat of a skeptic. Everything was questioned. A closely related part of that struggle is something that I'm still working through, actually. I wondered how emotion related to the Christian walk. You know the churches that build themselves around feelings...or at least it could be portrayed that way. Everything is emotionally charged (the jury's still out on whether this is purposeful or simply a bi-product of a living, vibrant church inhabited by the Spirit). A friend that I used to have is completely against emotion. Faith for him is entirely intellectually and practically based. (more on intellectual/practical/emotion later) Emotion is suspect because *obviously* a church where the worship service is centered around emotion is faking it. Soo...I have been wrestling with the concept of emotion. Closely related is the question of spiritual gifts/miracles. After all, speaking in tongues and prophecy are usually found in the more emotionally charged churches. Anyway...I was thinking about that a lot this morning...and I decided to study a little on emotion/miraculous gifts this morning. Thoughts thus far:
Acts 2 makes specific reference to speaking in tongues as well as a "sense of awe" being upon the people involved. Seems to have been quite emotional. in addition, joel is quoted to show that signs and wonders, dreams and prophecies are all signs of the last day.
1 Corinthians 12:4-11 talks about varieties of gifts and ministries and effects. Each of us have different "gifts" (tongues and prophecies included). Everyone has a gift. Not all are miraculous, but some are.
1 Corinthians 14:1 - we are to desire prophecy
So, unless God turned off access to the Holy Spirit after 100 ad, I think it's pretty safe to say that it is absolutely ridiculous to say that prophecy and speaking in tongues are not legit. now, of course, there are probably fakers. But how dare we say that the charismatic church is wrong just because we don't understand it?

I have come to the conclusion that I am called to learn to balance three aspects of my life and faith. These three include the emotional aspects of my faith, the intellectual aspects of my faith, and the practical aspects of my faith.

I was also thinking about the 24 elders around the throne of God today. The fact that there are creatures that spend all of their time worshiping God is truly amazing and awe-inspiring. I wish I could live like that. Both considerations of sin and practical considerations keep me from this. But how I wish I could live like that. 24/7 worship of God in word, thought, and deed. Wow, that would be sooo good. :)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

life update

Today was sorta insane. It started out on a rather negative note - I forgot to set my alarm last night and thus slept until 6:01 am this morning when I was awoken by a phone call from my place of employment, asking me where I was. Oops. I got there at 6:11 - 26 minutes late...11 minutes late opening the doors. Luckily I wasn't fired...no one was even particularly angry. I was told not to worry about it, that stuff happens, and just to not let it happen again. Yay grace. :) Work itself was really slow. I think I sold $130 of food in the first 5 hours... it was rather disheartening. I still managed to make my normal $50, though, so it didn't end so poorly. We had a pretty significant lunch rush. I then went to the school to accompany the 5th grade brass soloists. Then I came home, and have been enjoying a very leisurely evening ever since. :) I read some from "Hitler's Willing Executioners," have been listening to Pandora, have been studying German, and have done a good deal of Facebook stalking as well. A very nice evening. :)

Today was made even better by my looking at the schedule for the coming weekend and realizing that I have both Friday and Saturday night off (I sub all day Friday but don't have to work the night shift at the restaurant (yay!) and work 8-2 on Saturday. Guess what this means? Marilee gets to visit college on Saturday night! :D That pretty much makes my week. :)

On a more introspective note, tonight I have been thinking about what it means to be a Christian...the battle I will fight for the rest of my life against my flesh. It's funny how I fluctuate between extremes. One day my faith will rest entirely on commitment and concrete choices/actions. The next day my faith is entirely based on emotion. Most of the time I find myself struggling with turning emotion into concrete action. I desire to follow God, I desire to serve God with my whole heart and with every choice I make and with my every action. However, this doesn't happen...not even close. I am reminded of Paul's letter to the Romans, when he says: "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate...For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want..." (7:15,18-19) My pastor preached on this passage on Sunday, and what he said haunts me... basically what I got out of it is I will always struggle...my sinful nature will not be squelched until the Day when I am given a new body. I always have known this...and so on the one hand, it's not that surprising. I'm not perfect, never will be. Sadly enough, I can deal with the fact that I am not perfect. It's a lot harder, though, to deal with the thought that as long as I live I will need to be constantly vigilant, constantly fighting. I cannot allow myself to become complacent in this battle. That scares me, because complacency is always lurking.

I've watched friends fall away from God, leave their Christian upbringing behind in favor of the world's way...and I know just how easily that could be me, if once I allow myself to give in to complacency. It's like being insanely tired but knowing that a nap will be my undoing...so I am forced to keep myself awake at all costs. But sleep beckons...always it beckons.

I have so many questions about so many things...what does it mean to serve God? Is my faith supposed to find its source and fuel in emotion? Or is my faith supposed to be intellectual? Or practical? I have a feeling it's in an impossible combination of these three that the unachievable perfection is found. After all, in a perfect world, I would walk in perfect peace (emotionally speaking) with God, and from that joy and peace would spring perfection in deeds, and from that perfection in deeds would spring a wisdom that is otherwise clouded by sin.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

This is why I hate Facebook

Here are my feelings on this cursed social networking site that has allowed my joy to be stolen today.

On a basic level, the concept of Facebook is good, right? It allows one to maintain contact with friends, to share pictures and to play games together (yay Attack!, one of the main reasons I will continue to put up with the evil that is Facebook).

However, human depravity enters the perfect equation that is Facebook (insert a certain amount of sarcasm here) and allows Facebook to become defiled.

For example, people feel no need to maintain real connections with people, because they can feel connected based on stalking old friends' profiles. I don't need to have actually seen or talked to a person in years, but as long as we look at each others' profiles and pictures and maybe "like" a status every once in a while, we can know almost everything important there is to know about that person's life. (for example, who they have dated, if they are generally happy, why they broke up, where they're going on vacation, who they are really good friends with, what they do for fun on the weekends, how many children they have). Sometimes I'll see someone I haven't seen or talked to in months/years but know a creepy amount of information about their life without even needing talking to them.

Ironically enough, it's a miracle that I'm still friends with some of these old acquaintances on Facebook, because of the second reason I hate Facebook. Facebook is often used to define friendships. For some, a relationship of any sort becomes official only when defined on Facebook. Meet someone on the street? You aren't *actually* friends until you are able to tag one another in Facebook albums. Have conflict in your life? Just de-friend everyone associated in any way with that drama and without even needing to say a word, everyone will know where the lines are drawn. Not only will they know where the lines are drawn, but there's something eerily final about severing connections on Facebook. There's no going back. I have no problem with de-friending people I haven't talked to in years...that's a completely different thing. But to de-friend someone because of an argument or spat...the line is drawn in the sand. Friendships are destroyed by the simple click of a button. The ripple effect moves outward as others realize what has happened... for example, I see that my friends are no longer friends with other friends, and I feel forced to choose sides.

Why have we allowed Facebook to define our relationships? Why is it that we have allowed a cheery social networking site to become a way of twisting the dagger and officially severing ties? I'm not okay with this. I'm not okay with the concept of Facebook for allowing this, and I'm not okay with the people (myself included) who find ourselves tempted to use Facebook for means such as these.

Rant completed.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

i am a mess

Today I feel like a mess. I AM a mess. I sometimes wonder how I manage to form any healthy friendships at all...

It's crazy to think about mistakes that I have made and what a HUGE impact they had. Seemingly simple, easily remedied mistakes that in hindsight were disastrous. This happens all the time, and that's, I believe, why the blame game is so pointless. Of course they messed up...but so did I. It is depressing really...because my human inclination is to clear myself of all blame and take the hero's role...when really my choices and actions were also laced with sin.

Stinking pride.

blogging at 5 am.

Wow...I need to stop making 6 hour time changes twice a week. I went to bed at 10, fell asleep relatively soon, but was up again by 3:15 or so. In my delusional state I decided I needed a drink, so I went downstairs...and...I'm still awake. Bah. Whatever. I guess I'll sleep well tonight. Maybe.

Well, it's time to go to work now. lol.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

so good!

I had SUCH a good two days at school. Every time I go there I come back refreshed, and this especially happens when I'm able to be there for more than one night. I don't even know what exactly was so good about it...but it has given me an incredible amount of energy. :) My plans are to do it again ASAP. :) I got to spend quality time and have great conversations with so many people - Tara, Rachel, Sarah, Brett, Carrie to name just a few...it was so good. We played games, went for walks, ate meals, exchanged backrubs, went to the Steggy Keggy, laughed, played Risk... *sigh*. I'm just so happy right now. My visits to Northwestern are something that I will forever look back on as one of the best parts of my 8 months at home. I love that I don't have homework and can just spend time with people when I'm there instead of worrying/stressing about due dates and schedules. It is one of the best things to happen to me, because when I do have homework, I tend to give it first priority or at least stress about it all the time, not able to give myself fully to spending quality time with people. Graduating early was such a good idea for me. Yeah, it means living an hour away, which is sad, but it also means the opportunity to spend time with my family, work/make money, and make frequent visits to the place that became home for the 3.5 years I spent there.

irony

hahahahahahahaha...stinking april 13.

Monday, April 12, 2010

operation sleep deprivation

i have been rather giddy the past couple days. tonight was craaaaazy at the restaurant, and i was so hyper. i made $80. that was exciting. i'm all about $10 an hour in tips. and then i drove halfway to oc in my giddy state before realizing i had left my laptop/books at the restaurant...so i drove for at least 45 minutes extra tonight.

i am beginning to be addicted to learning german. it's sorta fun to be addicted to something so academic again.

i should not be awake right now. it is 3:06 am and in three days I will be waking up in 2 hours which means that the next 2 days need to include me making huge changes to my sleep schedule. operation sleep deprivation has officially started. Haha. If i fail to deprive myself of sleep it may become operation nyquil on tuesday night.

Friday, April 9, 2010

emotional wreck!

Tonight my heart overflows with so many emotions that I don't know quite what to do.

Let me enumerate them.

1) I miss my friends a ton, and I've only been away for 12.5 hours.
2) I wish I was at NW right now, and am so excited for Sunday night when I go back to visit again for a couple days.
3) I am scared out of my mind to move to Washington, especially since I'm pretty much committed to it now, and it is by no means certain that Sarah will be able to join me out there.
4) I am very very sad that graduation is approaching so rapidly - I don't know what I'll do when everyone leaves OC and I am left here at home without them...
5) I like my waitressing job when I am the only waitress.
6) I am so so so excited about the future. I'm excited to live by the ocean and the mountains, to live by Canada, to experience something completely different. I'm excited to study again, and I'm so excited to learn German.
7) I am very excited to go to the Boundary Waters this summer.
8) I am thinking a lot about how the heart heals, and how hope and excitement for the future are one of the best ways to allow the heart to heal.
9) I LOVE GERMAN, and I LOVE LEARNING IT!
10) When I die, I want to leave my house filled with my stuff, and just leave the door open, so that people can come look through my stuff and find things they want. I am so grateful for the German book I may or may not have procured from an abandoned house. I am convinced that 1950s German textbooks are better than new ones. I love the history that is in an abandoned house, and the way that the people live on through stacks of their possessions and the toothbrushes still hanging on the wall.

That's all. I feel better now. Maybe I won't have to keep changing my facebook status now...I got it all out! Thanks!

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Today as I was driving to OC from work I noticed an old wire corn crib standing empty on the side of the road. Being a history major, I am drawn to things like this - silent reminders of an era that is no longer here - days when whole cobs of corn would be stored in these bins until the right time.

Abandoned farms serve much the same reminder: the pioneer days are gone. In the place of hard work by hand and communities knitted together by Sunday afternoon potlucks and pitching together to harvest the fields is a mechanized agriculture with little hard work required and no need to even know a neighbor's name.

I don't consider myself a farmer. I am a farmer's daughter, but I have little interest in farming, and want to leave the midwest, even if only for a time. I think it is post-industrial agriculture with which I have the problem though. A world where one is isolated by the farm, living side by side with people one barely even knows, "working" dawn to dusk in a tractor that does all the work.

Beyond the practical considerations of industrialization leaving little room for the small farmers, it's no wonder that abandoned farms dot the landscape - farming isn't what it used to be. I, for one, am disenchanted.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

good night

Last night was a good night.

I went to OC in the early afternoon and hung out by myself for a long time, which was kinda fun. I played piano in the chapel, read a book in the library, and facebook stalked in the apartment. Everyone started getting back to campus around 6-7ish, so that's when the party began. :)

We had a feast.

Then we played Risk. That game had an unexpected result - I have decided that I no longer like playing the actual board game of Risk. Playing an insane amount of online Risk has not lessened my love of the game, but it has given me a decreased need to win each and every game. I have learned to understand that some games just don't work out. I'm actually quite unemotional about the whole thing. But that has only come with playing a lot. Tension came when others didn't understand my new-found apathy. Plus, it was mission risk, so my entire playing strategy had to be thrown out the window...haha...

Rachel and I went on a walk. That was good. I like walks.

Then we came back and hung out with Carrie and Brett until about 2, at which time I was about ready to pass out from exhaustion. I slept in Sarah's bed, then woke up and was about to start getting ready, when I got a phone call saying my afternoon subbing job was canceled. So I am now home hanging out and preparing to re-start learning German. I'm not upset about the failed subbing opportunity at all - I am enjoying the fact that I have had two days off in a row (what?!?!).

I have been thinking some more about hope. The worst feeling in the world is knowing someone will most likely never change, no matter what you do. That, I believe, is the closest to hopelessness that one can get. Of course, there's the chance that they may change, but the odds are piled high against that change. That breaks my heart.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

hope is alive

What is it about this season, spring, that seems to require a sense of hope? What is it about the human condition that requires optimism no matter the impossibility of a positive outcome? Lately, I have been wanting to write a poem that is poetic but has no hope, that has no optimism. I feel like it's impossible, if one wants to write something even remotely compelling. Maybe just for me, though.

I am definitely a person unable to accept a lack of hope. I always look for the rainbow, always look for the silver lining. It is insanely frustrating for me to interact with people convinced that things will never improve.

I wonder what role my faith plays in this. After all, no sin is too much, no betrayal too deep to render the blood of Christ useless. And, the grave wasn't strong enough to hold Him. Even the bleakest situation holds hope for me - not only do trials teach me lessons and make me stronger, but I always hold hope that the most stubborn, most sinful person can and will be redeemed. The night never lasts forever.

And so, I can't write something that lacks hope. It contradicts everything I know. Even when a hint of skepticism enters my consciousness and makes me wish I could spew doom and gloom...even when my emotions tell me things are hopeless, I am unable to put this hopelessness into words, because, at my core, I don't believe that hopelessness is even an option.

Nevertheless, sometimes I catch myself being slightly bitter about the fact that it is spring - spring is a constant reminder of hope. When I do not feel hopeful, when things seem hopeless, that is when spring is unwanted, because it is a silent reminder that I am wrong. Warmer, brighter days will always come. After all, Jesus is alive. Hope is alive.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I'm so tired of my current life situation. September seems like a lifetime away.

Tonight's shift was so draining, and I came very close to breaking down crying.

It's not the actual job that drives me to the edge of sanity. It's the coworkers. It's so hard to work in a dog-eat-dog environment where people are only nice to each other to their faces, and are never positive about anything. Everything is always bad, everyone is always a jerk, it's always not a good day. Laziness reigns, and being a smoker entitles you to extra privileges. I can't stand making a mistake and feeling like my chances of them liking me just went down the toilet. I hate being yelled at for little things. I hate feeling like a slave, and I hate working hard while my coworkers take lengthy breaks or stand around talking.

Tonight I was holding it together, managing to have a pretty good night despite my coworkers' negativity, until I messed up an order and brought food to the wrong table. After that it seemed like everything went wrong. It is as if I am fine as long as I am doing a good job and feel like I am offering quality service to the customers. But as soon as that was removed, I had nothing left. My coworkers most likely say horrible things about me behind my back, they are all unbearable to work with, and to top it all off, I am not even a good waitress.

Yeah. Not a good night.

I am looking forward to being in a professional environment again. I'm looking forward to a month from now when I can kiss weekend/evening shifts at the restaurant goodbye forever. I'm looking even more forward to the day when I work at a university as a professor. I know it won't be perfect; the world is a broken place filled with broken people. But at least I can work largely by myself then. I much prefer working by myself.

Tonight towards the end of the evening a middle aged man came in and sat down in the corner by himself. I knew immediately he was different from most - he spoke in a quiet, thoughtfully slow manner, and made eye contact almost to the point of staring. I walked away with a smile on my face, muttering, "this guy is legit." By that I meant that he was a very interesting man. Later, I noticed that the cook and the dishwasher were laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and was told that the man in the corner was staring at the cook, and had been for quite some time. They found it hilarious. A few minutes later, the man came up to the register to pay, and after giving me the money, turned abruptly and walked out. I was a little confused. A few minutes later I heard the cook telling another worker how he had walked over to the guy and made a rude comment, basically hitting on him in a mocking way. My heart was broken for the man in that moment. Sure, he was awkward and stared a little more than is socially acceptable. Sure, he was different. But he seemed to be a good man...and even if he wasn't, he did nothing to deserve being mocked. It's moments like this that remind me how broken the world is - how cruel, how thoughtless, how vicious.

My time working at Touch of Dutch has made me considerably less naive. It has made me appreciate the future that I have, and has made me appreciate the hope that I have as a Christian all the more. I work hard there...it's humbling, really. I rely on tips from people I don't even know to make any sort of decent income. Some people are generous for absolutely no reason, others give me nothing.

Friday, April 2, 2010

I've been working for almost two weeks now, every day. Some days only 4-5 hours a day, some days up to 12 hours a day. It's been a long haul. Only two days left now until I have a day off (woot, woot, right? haha) I can't complain too much though. This two week stint of working has earned me a ton of money, and it has kept me busy and not bored.

I'm still waiting on official word from grad school - I've turned down WIU, and so now it's basically WWU or bust (USD). It's hard waiting...but it's even harder being fairly certain that I'm going to have good financial aid from the school, but not being certain whether or not I will have a roommate when I get out there. I will be very relieved when I know that for sure.

In a month it will be time for graduation. All my friends will be leaving, and with them the last vestiges of a social life for me. I will miss them so much. Once summer hits, I will truly just be counting down the days to September. And it will come quickly, I know it will. I must work to live in the moment and enjoy life for what it is, good and bad.