One night this weekend, we were watching TV while playing a card game, and at one point we were watching the 700 club - which I guess is some Christian show. They started interviewing people who had experienced significant miracles. I was struck in a rather big way by the contrast and yet comparison between these people who were so convinced that God was the explanation for the unexplainable events in their lives and some of the stuff that I have read throughout my time as a history major (both in college and grad school) about the idea that God has been constructed as a way to explain the unexplainable. I was sitting at the kitchen table at my aunt and uncle's house, playing a game with them, suddenly struck in a very large way with the ways in which some of the things I had been mulling over were being addressed by this tv show. Long story short, I don't know how I feel about tv shows (or anything, for that matter) that consist of Christians attempting to convince the world of God's existence by using Him as an explanation for the unexplainable. Of course, He does explain the unexplainable. But if that becomes our entire rationale and basis for belief in God, I believe that there are major problems ahead. I definitely believe that miracles do happen and that some things cannot be explained. However, in light of history, I am very concerned about our adoption of the "God of the gaps" theory. One hundred years ago, there were many more things that science and medicine did not explain. God was the explanation for these things. With the advance of science, however, some of those things that God used to be the explanation for no longer require God. This is a problem if we assume that science will continue to advance. I started thinking - what is my belief in God based on? And what happens when those things come to have alternate, "scientific" explanations? Suddenly my God ceases to be necessary.
Of course, this assumes a number of things that I am not entirely comfortable assuming. First, it assumes that science is a valid explanation for natural phenomena. Second, it assumes that science could continue to advance (in theory, to a point where it explains everything). I do not believe that this will ever happen, given my belief in the inherent imperfections of humanity.
Leaving these reservations to the side, though, there may be something to be said about considering a scenario in which science offers explanations for pretty much everything. If science were to continue to advance to a place where it explained pretty much everything, would my faith have a basis? Of course, there are probably ways in which this is a relevant question for even today. After all, many scoff at miracles, and always have, attributing them to either an alternate scientific explanation or claiming that the person claiming them to be an instance of the miraculous is simply mistaken in some way or another. In this sort of world, where God is not considered necessary, what is my faith based on? Have I (and the world at large) divorced science from God to such an extent that as science advances, God is pushed out?
And, of course, this entire train of thought is somewhat superfluous, because, of course, God can never cease to exist. He cannot be pushed out. I am simply concerned about the state of some portions of Christianity that seem to need to defend their belief in God based solely on the miraculous. And perhaps I am completely off on some pointless rabbit trail. Even writing this, I'm wondering if there is any point to my rant. Sorry.
Derailed
haha.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
deal-of-the-century
Last week I purchased a gallon of milk and two frozen pizzas for $3.17. I thought that was good.
Today, I purchased a gallon of apple juice, four sticks of margarine (1 pkg), two packages of cream cheese (the 8 oz bars), and a loaf of bread for $2.77. Total. And I forgot the 10% student discount on the cream cheese (purchase from another store than the rest).
How did I accomplish this, you may ask? Coupons. I had a coupon for cream cheese for $0.88 each. I bought the bread for $0.99. The margarine and apple juice were free. I kid you not. Free.
Today, I purchased a gallon of apple juice, four sticks of margarine (1 pkg), two packages of cream cheese (the 8 oz bars), and a loaf of bread for $2.77. Total. And I forgot the 10% student discount on the cream cheese (purchase from another store than the rest).
How did I accomplish this, you may ask? Coupons. I had a coupon for cream cheese for $0.88 each. I bought the bread for $0.99. The margarine and apple juice were free. I kid you not. Free.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
snow and the Geek Squad
It snowed last night. It SNOWED. At least a couple inches. And it's still here. No snow plows. So things are a mess. Not enough of a mess that you can't go places, but enough of a mess to make all these Bellinghamites terrified. I went to Best Buy in a vain attempt to pick up my laptop today, and it took me FOREVER to get there because everyone is terrified. It was funny, and then it just got irritating. In some ways, though, they have the right to be terrified...because all the snow stays on the roads much longer without snow plows.
Speaking of Best Buy...I went to Best Buy today to reclaim my laptop. I got there, and they told me that they got it back from HP but it's not ready yet because they don't have the operating system installed on it... and apparently HP doesn't do this...and apparently I have to call HP and order the stupid operating system CDs...(which will probably cost me money). That's all fine and good, but WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME THIS WEEKS AGO? If they would have told me this when I brought my laptop in, or even a week ago when they knew for sure what was wrong, I could have ordered the CDs so that the Geek Squad could fix it pronto when it got back to the store. Of course, now it will be another ridiculously long wait. So much for doing homework over Thanksgiving Break.
Never, ever, EVER trust the Geek Squad.
Other than that, life moves forward. Life is always complicated here at grad school, and rarely easy, but it's good.
Speaking of Best Buy...I went to Best Buy today to reclaim my laptop. I got there, and they told me that they got it back from HP but it's not ready yet because they don't have the operating system installed on it... and apparently HP doesn't do this...and apparently I have to call HP and order the stupid operating system CDs...(which will probably cost me money). That's all fine and good, but WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME THIS WEEKS AGO? If they would have told me this when I brought my laptop in, or even a week ago when they knew for sure what was wrong, I could have ordered the CDs so that the Geek Squad could fix it pronto when it got back to the store. Of course, now it will be another ridiculously long wait. So much for doing homework over Thanksgiving Break.
Never, ever, EVER trust the Geek Squad.
Other than that, life moves forward. Life is always complicated here at grad school, and rarely easy, but it's good.
Friday, November 19, 2010
my first horrible week - maybe it's about time?
The week started out poorly on Monday night, as I already wrote about in my last post. By the time I wrote that post, though, (Wednesday morning) I had mostly figured things out. Life was resuming some sort of normalcy, and I was once again ready to conquer the world.
That all got shot down on Wednesday afternoon. Things started out alright - I talked to the graduate advisor and got my plan of study taken care of - it has been approved - I'm all set! She also happens to be my Canadian class professor, so I talked to her about my paper for that class and left feeling rather optimistic about my chances of success in that class. I also needed to talk to the professor for my theory class - I was hopelessly lost about what to even write my final paper about, and the only solution was to go in and talk to him. I wasn't looking forward to it. At all. He's a really nice guy, but there's something about him that scares me to death. I was right to be scared. I walked in, and things started out relatively okay - with him giving me some pointers on the paper. It was rather humiliating, though...I am so intimidated by him that I completely freeze and lose my ability to say anything intelligent. I made the mistake of telling him that I struggle with remembering what the books said...so I think he assumed that I'm completely lost and don't understand anything in the class - aka I shouldn't even be in grad school. So after talking about the paper, he asked me if I was alright - he said I had seemed quiet in class lately. This was a huge blow - because I try to talk in class, and I do...at least a few times throughout the class period - and this last week was a larger class (both sections met together) so I didn't feel like it was a bad thing that I had only spoken twice or three times. He obviously either a) didn't remember that I had contributed or b) didn't think it was enough. This was devastating to me on so many levels. It implied that he doesn't think I'm contributing enough. My grade (30% in fact) is dependent on my participation in class discussion - and so I am very deliberate about trying my hardest to contribute to conversation...because it could mean the difference on my grade. I had thought I was doing alright, so that I could just focus on making the final paper really good. Now all of that is thrown out the window, because the professor doesn't seem to think I'm contributing enough. Now even if I got an A on my final paper (which might be impossible if the professor thinks I'm not very smart) my particpation grade might be what keeps me from an A in the class. And I NEED an A in this class - if I don't do well in classes in grad school (as in get As) it will be hard for me to move on to a PhD - or at least a PhD at a reputable school. As I sat in his office, I was trying so hard not to cry, and I did succeed.
It didn't get any better though - he then started grilling me on why I was at grad school, telling me that if I wasn't absolutely convinced that this is what I want, that I should leave. Um? I'm here...doesn't that mean I want it? Evidently not. He spent about five minutes at least on this topic - asking me what I want to do with my degree and telling me that it will be very hard to get a job and I might end up working for the government in a non-teaching job - especially if I'm not good enough. (implying that he seems to have doubts that I am good enough) It was so so so hard. I tried to tell him that I am passionate about this and that I do want this and that I can't see myself doing anything else. Maybe he believed me - but I don't think he did. I was so petrified by him that I'm pretty sure I didn't sound very convincing.
The only redeeming factor is that he's an American Revolution historian...meaning that I won't have to deal with him after this class. If I can prove myself to the modern Europe people, I might have a chance.
It brought so many insecurities of mine to the surface, though, and I have been trying to recover some sense of normalcy ever since that conversation. At the end of the day, I'm not certain that history is where I will end up - and that is hard for me. I like to know what the future holds, and I don't. I didn't even try to explain to the professor that I'm a Christian and that this fact changes EVERYTHING about how I look at life. I'm here because I feel called to be here. I am here because God brought me here, because I am serving God here (or trying to). I'm going into history because I trust that God has my future in His hands - so all that talk about no jobs etc has little impact on what I choose to do. Making money is not my driving motivation.
I've been considering dropping out. Not seriously considering it, but running the scenario through my head. What would I do? I have no idea. The thing is, my whole life I have felt pulled toward the secular arena. I have been disturbed by the departmentalization that goes on in Christianity. It bothers me that Christians serve God in Christian organizations. It bothers me that to be a missionary one is required to join a Christian organization where one's witness is part of one's job description. I hate that God is pushed out of the secular arena. I hate that as a teacher in a public school one is limited in one's witness. This is not to say that I have a problem with people who work for Christian organizations. Not at all. But for me, I feel called to stand up for God in a world in which He is no longer welcome. That is why I am here - because God isn't here (well, He is here, but He is not recognized). But part of me wants to "cop out" (at least as far as what I have always felt called to do) and become a missionary, or work for a Christian organization. That would be the easy road (for me). It's not hard to be a Christian in a place where it is required in order to get a pay check. It is hard in a place where Christianity is not welcome. And it is to that place where I feel compelled to go. So I CAN'T drop out (or at least that is how I feel) because to do so would be to take the easy road. I'm not sure if this feeling is right or not...but it is how I feel, and it is what I'm basing my decisions on.
On a slightly related (but not really) note:
I've been reading CS Lewis and Bonhoeffer in my spare time (ha!) and have been very struck by a few things. 1) they are both very wise...and were probably insanely compelling in their day. 2) there are many ways in which the culture they speak to and the things they address are no longer relevant in this culture. This is kinda crazy to say (and some may not agree with me) because CS Lewis is always looked to as this can-do-no-wrong-almost-Biblical sorta guy. But I'm reading Mere Christianity, and sometimes I can not help but feel as if his arguments are for another time...the modern age...the 50s. The heart of what he is saying still holds true, but in an apologetics sense it is not quite as relevant. Morality simply isn't what it was in the 50s. In the 50s people had much more of a "respectable" code. People wanted to be seen as respectable. People in 2010 could care less much of the time. The 1960s (and on) fundamentally changed society, I think. Things that were obviously wrong in the 50s are not so obviously wrong anymore...and that means that when Lewis appeals to the sense that something is obviously wrong, it no longer holds water for the unbeliever today. I wonder if there's anyone writing today in his style and to his level but who addresses the issues of mere Christianity in a world where Christianity is no longer dominant culturally. Same thing with Bonhoeffer. He has this section in Life Together where he talks about what a worship service should be like. He is very clear that it is not ok to sing harmony while singing hymns. He goes on about it for at least a page. I had to laugh. I think the heart of what he is saying is right on - harmony could tend to distract from worship. But, it was completely from another time. That is only one example. He has a chapter where he details what a worship service should be like, and some of it is so culturally based that it is completely unrelevant to today's culture.
I am drawn to such things (apologetics). I want to write...I want to do this whole blogging thing, except professionally. I am drawn to Nazi Germany for the moral questions it poses - and I feel like the field of history allows me a valuable way of approaching these questions. I am not in grad school (I don't think) for the same reasons that other people are here. I'm here because of a fundamental struggle with apologetics. I'm here because I feel like history offers a valuable lesson for today. And I'm here because God has called me to this place (for this time at least).
Anyway...I covet your prayers. It's getting really hard to be here - I feel so alone sometimes. The deeper I go into this stuff, the less I can relate to other people. That's hard, because I learn and grow through conversation, and I simply can't talk to people about this because they have other, more practical, concerns. And even if I was still in the midwest, I'd still be alone. It's not entirely a geographical thing. It's the loneliness of academia. My calling has brought me to a place where I have to wrestle with these questions largely on my own. I can't talk to professors about it because they don't believe the same things I do, at all. That is so alienating...my history theory professor asked me what was wrong - and if he was a Christian I could have told him...but because he isn't, he wouldn't understand at all. As a Christian I sometimes feel as if I have to do twice the amount of thinking as everyone else. I have to apply everything I am learning to my faith - to measure it against what I know to be true...but then I have to leave that mostly behind when writing my papers - because if I turned my history papers into something like what I blog about it wouldn't at all be an academic paper. That's a long rambling way of saying that I feel entirely isolated on so many levels.
It's humbling to admit that things are hard. It's humbling to admit that I need prayer. But I was reading CS Lewis today, and he had some good things to say about the evils of pride. There are so many things about the last few days that were a necessary wake-up call - a humbling experience if you will. And, so, I humbly ask you to be praying for me. I need God's help more than ever before, because I mess it up so horribly on my own strength (which is non-existent). Anyway, my prayer requests: I ask that you pray that God would have His way with me. I ask you to pray that God will bring people into my life who can walk this journey with me (if that is His will - maybe this is something I have to do on my own). I ask you to pray that I will have wisdom and courage to live radically and unashamedly in a world that is so lost. Thank you.
That all got shot down on Wednesday afternoon. Things started out alright - I talked to the graduate advisor and got my plan of study taken care of - it has been approved - I'm all set! She also happens to be my Canadian class professor, so I talked to her about my paper for that class and left feeling rather optimistic about my chances of success in that class. I also needed to talk to the professor for my theory class - I was hopelessly lost about what to even write my final paper about, and the only solution was to go in and talk to him. I wasn't looking forward to it. At all. He's a really nice guy, but there's something about him that scares me to death. I was right to be scared. I walked in, and things started out relatively okay - with him giving me some pointers on the paper. It was rather humiliating, though...I am so intimidated by him that I completely freeze and lose my ability to say anything intelligent. I made the mistake of telling him that I struggle with remembering what the books said...so I think he assumed that I'm completely lost and don't understand anything in the class - aka I shouldn't even be in grad school. So after talking about the paper, he asked me if I was alright - he said I had seemed quiet in class lately. This was a huge blow - because I try to talk in class, and I do...at least a few times throughout the class period - and this last week was a larger class (both sections met together) so I didn't feel like it was a bad thing that I had only spoken twice or three times. He obviously either a) didn't remember that I had contributed or b) didn't think it was enough. This was devastating to me on so many levels. It implied that he doesn't think I'm contributing enough. My grade (30% in fact) is dependent on my participation in class discussion - and so I am very deliberate about trying my hardest to contribute to conversation...because it could mean the difference on my grade. I had thought I was doing alright, so that I could just focus on making the final paper really good. Now all of that is thrown out the window, because the professor doesn't seem to think I'm contributing enough. Now even if I got an A on my final paper (which might be impossible if the professor thinks I'm not very smart) my particpation grade might be what keeps me from an A in the class. And I NEED an A in this class - if I don't do well in classes in grad school (as in get As) it will be hard for me to move on to a PhD - or at least a PhD at a reputable school. As I sat in his office, I was trying so hard not to cry, and I did succeed.
It didn't get any better though - he then started grilling me on why I was at grad school, telling me that if I wasn't absolutely convinced that this is what I want, that I should leave. Um? I'm here...doesn't that mean I want it? Evidently not. He spent about five minutes at least on this topic - asking me what I want to do with my degree and telling me that it will be very hard to get a job and I might end up working for the government in a non-teaching job - especially if I'm not good enough. (implying that he seems to have doubts that I am good enough) It was so so so hard. I tried to tell him that I am passionate about this and that I do want this and that I can't see myself doing anything else. Maybe he believed me - but I don't think he did. I was so petrified by him that I'm pretty sure I didn't sound very convincing.
The only redeeming factor is that he's an American Revolution historian...meaning that I won't have to deal with him after this class. If I can prove myself to the modern Europe people, I might have a chance.
It brought so many insecurities of mine to the surface, though, and I have been trying to recover some sense of normalcy ever since that conversation. At the end of the day, I'm not certain that history is where I will end up - and that is hard for me. I like to know what the future holds, and I don't. I didn't even try to explain to the professor that I'm a Christian and that this fact changes EVERYTHING about how I look at life. I'm here because I feel called to be here. I am here because God brought me here, because I am serving God here (or trying to). I'm going into history because I trust that God has my future in His hands - so all that talk about no jobs etc has little impact on what I choose to do. Making money is not my driving motivation.
I've been considering dropping out. Not seriously considering it, but running the scenario through my head. What would I do? I have no idea. The thing is, my whole life I have felt pulled toward the secular arena. I have been disturbed by the departmentalization that goes on in Christianity. It bothers me that Christians serve God in Christian organizations. It bothers me that to be a missionary one is required to join a Christian organization where one's witness is part of one's job description. I hate that God is pushed out of the secular arena. I hate that as a teacher in a public school one is limited in one's witness. This is not to say that I have a problem with people who work for Christian organizations. Not at all. But for me, I feel called to stand up for God in a world in which He is no longer welcome. That is why I am here - because God isn't here (well, He is here, but He is not recognized). But part of me wants to "cop out" (at least as far as what I have always felt called to do) and become a missionary, or work for a Christian organization. That would be the easy road (for me). It's not hard to be a Christian in a place where it is required in order to get a pay check. It is hard in a place where Christianity is not welcome. And it is to that place where I feel compelled to go. So I CAN'T drop out (or at least that is how I feel) because to do so would be to take the easy road. I'm not sure if this feeling is right or not...but it is how I feel, and it is what I'm basing my decisions on.
On a slightly related (but not really) note:
I've been reading CS Lewis and Bonhoeffer in my spare time (ha!) and have been very struck by a few things. 1) they are both very wise...and were probably insanely compelling in their day. 2) there are many ways in which the culture they speak to and the things they address are no longer relevant in this culture. This is kinda crazy to say (and some may not agree with me) because CS Lewis is always looked to as this can-do-no-wrong-almost-Biblical sorta guy. But I'm reading Mere Christianity, and sometimes I can not help but feel as if his arguments are for another time...the modern age...the 50s. The heart of what he is saying still holds true, but in an apologetics sense it is not quite as relevant. Morality simply isn't what it was in the 50s. In the 50s people had much more of a "respectable" code. People wanted to be seen as respectable. People in 2010 could care less much of the time. The 1960s (and on) fundamentally changed society, I think. Things that were obviously wrong in the 50s are not so obviously wrong anymore...and that means that when Lewis appeals to the sense that something is obviously wrong, it no longer holds water for the unbeliever today. I wonder if there's anyone writing today in his style and to his level but who addresses the issues of mere Christianity in a world where Christianity is no longer dominant culturally. Same thing with Bonhoeffer. He has this section in Life Together where he talks about what a worship service should be like. He is very clear that it is not ok to sing harmony while singing hymns. He goes on about it for at least a page. I had to laugh. I think the heart of what he is saying is right on - harmony could tend to distract from worship. But, it was completely from another time. That is only one example. He has a chapter where he details what a worship service should be like, and some of it is so culturally based that it is completely unrelevant to today's culture.
I am drawn to such things (apologetics). I want to write...I want to do this whole blogging thing, except professionally. I am drawn to Nazi Germany for the moral questions it poses - and I feel like the field of history allows me a valuable way of approaching these questions. I am not in grad school (I don't think) for the same reasons that other people are here. I'm here because of a fundamental struggle with apologetics. I'm here because I feel like history offers a valuable lesson for today. And I'm here because God has called me to this place (for this time at least).
Anyway...I covet your prayers. It's getting really hard to be here - I feel so alone sometimes. The deeper I go into this stuff, the less I can relate to other people. That's hard, because I learn and grow through conversation, and I simply can't talk to people about this because they have other, more practical, concerns. And even if I was still in the midwest, I'd still be alone. It's not entirely a geographical thing. It's the loneliness of academia. My calling has brought me to a place where I have to wrestle with these questions largely on my own. I can't talk to professors about it because they don't believe the same things I do, at all. That is so alienating...my history theory professor asked me what was wrong - and if he was a Christian I could have told him...but because he isn't, he wouldn't understand at all. As a Christian I sometimes feel as if I have to do twice the amount of thinking as everyone else. I have to apply everything I am learning to my faith - to measure it against what I know to be true...but then I have to leave that mostly behind when writing my papers - because if I turned my history papers into something like what I blog about it wouldn't at all be an academic paper. That's a long rambling way of saying that I feel entirely isolated on so many levels.
It's humbling to admit that things are hard. It's humbling to admit that I need prayer. But I was reading CS Lewis today, and he had some good things to say about the evils of pride. There are so many things about the last few days that were a necessary wake-up call - a humbling experience if you will. And, so, I humbly ask you to be praying for me. I need God's help more than ever before, because I mess it up so horribly on my own strength (which is non-existent). Anyway, my prayer requests: I ask that you pray that God would have His way with me. I ask you to pray that God will bring people into my life who can walk this journey with me (if that is His will - maybe this is something I have to do on my own). I ask you to pray that I will have wisdom and courage to live radically and unashamedly in a world that is so lost. Thank you.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
my thoughts on history
It's been an intense few last days.
It all started on Monday night in class (It always seems to come from that class). In the process of discussing the need to keep in mind that the people groups we study might actually believe that the supernatural has agency (*gasp!*), the self-proclaimed "stubborn atheist" in the class started speaking up about how he simply couldn't comprehend why we should have to keep such things in mind since it's horribly misguided to think that the supernatural even exists, much less has agency in the world. I was simultaneously sitting there pondering my own experiences (quite opposite) as a committed Christian. I read things written about Christianity by historians who, although their personal beliefs remain somewhat mysterious, are required by the very nature of the profession to keep these beliefs out of the discussion and instead look for material causes and at most human agents. Causal forces must have evidence. (Of course, I don't believe that Christianity is without historical evidence, but that's a battle for another day.)
I left class horribly depressed, convinced that class period meant the end of graduate studies for me. I seriously pondered the ramifications of dropping out at the end of this term and trying to find a job here in a city where the bad economy has certainly taken a toll. I tried to imagine what on earth I would do if not history. And, as the emotion of the moment wore off, I realized that such hasty decisions are hardly wise, and that it is okay to stick it out, at least for the moment until I get things figured out.
The last few days have been consumed with homework, but in the back of my mind is a nearly constant conversation going on about such things. What am I doing here? Why didn't I speak up in class? Would that really have accomplished anything? Does it matter that it might not have accomplished anything? Am I really in any sort of position to serve God in this place, or am I simply getting sucked into a mindset that I want no part of? I'm not sure.
These questions have no answers. (Well, they do, but I have not figured out the answers, nor do I think I ever will, at least entirely.) But I must ask them nonetheless, because to not ask them might mean I have lost sight of my calling as a Christian in a secular world.
I think that the questions that historians are asking are based on what they truly see in the world. In a world without God, their questions are legitimate. I also believe that there are parts of the theories that I am learning that are important to remember...namely the parts about humanity's flaws. It is hard to constantly walk the line of agreement and disagreement. I empathize with the flaws in humanity. We constantly warp history to our own benefit. We are unable to know what really happened in the past, but we like to pretend that we do know. We read our own culture and mindset onto the past, when really the past is in a world of its own. We try to make history into a science when really there is little scientific about it. Humanity writes a narrative of its past that tells the story of how we got to the present, but the very fact that we have the present in mind warps what we remember and don't remember. Selectivity in what we tell and don't tell about the past has a huge impact on its truthfulness. And yet, there are also huge problems with the fact that history, as a science of sorts, is compelled to leave God out of the picture. Am I strong enough to stand in the gap? Am I strong enough to be different? Do I have the necessary intellect to make compelling arguments for a history that gives God agency? Perhaps not - but I am reminded of Moses - God used him in spite of his flaws in speech to bring about massive change.
And, at the end of the day, this life is not about this life. It's about the next one. Does it matter if I create massive change? No, I probably won't. I might not even convince one person. But that does not change my calling to be in the world but not of it. It does not change my calling to serve, love, and worship God with everything I do. God is the only One who can effect change in this world that is so far beyond the control of humanity. Yes, capitalism has created an economy that leaves the world powers of today with very little control over the market. Yes, there is so little, if nothing, that we can do to control our destiny. We are at the mercy of forces beyond us. And into this mess God steps down, showing His power in His ability to transform lives for His kingdom. Praise be to His name.
I desire these words to be more than words. I want to live this mindset. I want to live humbly before my God, remembering each and every day that my thoughts, my ideas, my theories crumble in the face of the Almighty. I want to point my colleagues to Him. I want to be bold, but not in a prideful "I must be right" sort of way. I want to be bold because of my identity as one redeemed from death by the blood of Jesus. This is my calling.
It all started on Monday night in class (It always seems to come from that class). In the process of discussing the need to keep in mind that the people groups we study might actually believe that the supernatural has agency (*gasp!*), the self-proclaimed "stubborn atheist" in the class started speaking up about how he simply couldn't comprehend why we should have to keep such things in mind since it's horribly misguided to think that the supernatural even exists, much less has agency in the world. I was simultaneously sitting there pondering my own experiences (quite opposite) as a committed Christian. I read things written about Christianity by historians who, although their personal beliefs remain somewhat mysterious, are required by the very nature of the profession to keep these beliefs out of the discussion and instead look for material causes and at most human agents. Causal forces must have evidence. (Of course, I don't believe that Christianity is without historical evidence, but that's a battle for another day.)
I left class horribly depressed, convinced that class period meant the end of graduate studies for me. I seriously pondered the ramifications of dropping out at the end of this term and trying to find a job here in a city where the bad economy has certainly taken a toll. I tried to imagine what on earth I would do if not history. And, as the emotion of the moment wore off, I realized that such hasty decisions are hardly wise, and that it is okay to stick it out, at least for the moment until I get things figured out.
The last few days have been consumed with homework, but in the back of my mind is a nearly constant conversation going on about such things. What am I doing here? Why didn't I speak up in class? Would that really have accomplished anything? Does it matter that it might not have accomplished anything? Am I really in any sort of position to serve God in this place, or am I simply getting sucked into a mindset that I want no part of? I'm not sure.
These questions have no answers. (Well, they do, but I have not figured out the answers, nor do I think I ever will, at least entirely.) But I must ask them nonetheless, because to not ask them might mean I have lost sight of my calling as a Christian in a secular world.
I think that the questions that historians are asking are based on what they truly see in the world. In a world without God, their questions are legitimate. I also believe that there are parts of the theories that I am learning that are important to remember...namely the parts about humanity's flaws. It is hard to constantly walk the line of agreement and disagreement. I empathize with the flaws in humanity. We constantly warp history to our own benefit. We are unable to know what really happened in the past, but we like to pretend that we do know. We read our own culture and mindset onto the past, when really the past is in a world of its own. We try to make history into a science when really there is little scientific about it. Humanity writes a narrative of its past that tells the story of how we got to the present, but the very fact that we have the present in mind warps what we remember and don't remember. Selectivity in what we tell and don't tell about the past has a huge impact on its truthfulness. And yet, there are also huge problems with the fact that history, as a science of sorts, is compelled to leave God out of the picture. Am I strong enough to stand in the gap? Am I strong enough to be different? Do I have the necessary intellect to make compelling arguments for a history that gives God agency? Perhaps not - but I am reminded of Moses - God used him in spite of his flaws in speech to bring about massive change.
And, at the end of the day, this life is not about this life. It's about the next one. Does it matter if I create massive change? No, I probably won't. I might not even convince one person. But that does not change my calling to be in the world but not of it. It does not change my calling to serve, love, and worship God with everything I do. God is the only One who can effect change in this world that is so far beyond the control of humanity. Yes, capitalism has created an economy that leaves the world powers of today with very little control over the market. Yes, there is so little, if nothing, that we can do to control our destiny. We are at the mercy of forces beyond us. And into this mess God steps down, showing His power in His ability to transform lives for His kingdom. Praise be to His name.
I desire these words to be more than words. I want to live this mindset. I want to live humbly before my God, remembering each and every day that my thoughts, my ideas, my theories crumble in the face of the Almighty. I want to point my colleagues to Him. I want to be bold, but not in a prideful "I must be right" sort of way. I want to be bold because of my identity as one redeemed from death by the blood of Jesus. This is my calling.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
DO
Given my love of deals, I think I may have found my dream store...check this out:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/deals-only-bellingham
I haven't visited said store yet, but it's on my list next time I need groceries...
http://www.yelp.com/biz/deals-only-bellingham
I haven't visited said store yet, but it's on my list next time I need groceries...
Monday, November 15, 2010
very-small-stipend-and-no-roommate survival guide
A friend encouraged me to blog on the adventure of living well below the poverty line. And, so I will. Disclaimer: I'm crazy, and do not reccommend or advocate my quality of life. Welcome to the way I think. Don't stay too long, you might go crazy.
Marilee's Guide to Surviving on a Very Small TA Stipend
1) heat is overrated. but if it gets too cold, just cook something and leave the oven door open afterwards - no need to waste all that valuable heat that's trapped inside the oven. but you'll be defeating the purpose if you forget to turn the oven off before doing so...so don't try to actually heat your apartment with your oven. that's probably highly inefficient. in any case, there's nothing that several layers and many blankets can't fix. :)
2) never EVER eat out, unless it's free. History department pizza parties=required attendance (not really, but for me, it's a free meal.) Rock the coupons, and skip desert and snacking. Also, no juice allowed. It's far too expensive. Turkey bacon rather than actual bacon. Off brands whenever possible. Tea bags without the tab things. Quality is lower, but price is as well. ;) Goal=never eat more than $3 of food in any given day. Month's food budget = $75, so it's actually more like $2.50 a day.
3) lights out whenever a room is not occupied. be freakish about it. every second counts. :P
4) spend as much time AWAY from the apartment as possible. that way you can use the university's electricity and heat, not your own.
5) take the bus or walk or ride your bike whenever possible. car=parked.
6) doing laundry=overrated. thus, it's probably better to own a TON of socks than to have to wash the 6 pairs you have all the time. same thing goes for any sort of clothes. i have a ton of pairs of jeans - that way they a) don't wear out as fast and b) laundry doesn't need to happen as often
7) Yes, Walmart is most likely evil. However, you can't argue with low prices.
8) If it isn't absolutely necessary for survival, it isn't necessary. Procrastination is key, especially when it comes to purchasing things. And you won't hear me say that about much else.
9) use all the water you want (especially in my case: I don't pay for water). Washing dishes=cheaper than running the dishwasher, because the dishwasher involves electricity [although I must confess I don't follow this rule, but as soon as the dishwasher soap I have is gone, it's back to the basics for me...I'm not spending money on something like dishwasher soap.]
10) enjoy your newfound financial limitations. it's actually kind of fun to see how cheaply you can live. I didn't use more than $5 of my miscellaneous budget in October. That's savings right there. :)
Yep. I'm insane. But at least I'm having fun, right?
Marilee's Guide to Surviving on a Very Small TA Stipend
1) heat is overrated. but if it gets too cold, just cook something and leave the oven door open afterwards - no need to waste all that valuable heat that's trapped inside the oven. but you'll be defeating the purpose if you forget to turn the oven off before doing so...so don't try to actually heat your apartment with your oven. that's probably highly inefficient. in any case, there's nothing that several layers and many blankets can't fix. :)
2) never EVER eat out, unless it's free. History department pizza parties=required attendance (not really, but for me, it's a free meal.) Rock the coupons, and skip desert and snacking. Also, no juice allowed. It's far too expensive. Turkey bacon rather than actual bacon. Off brands whenever possible. Tea bags without the tab things. Quality is lower, but price is as well. ;) Goal=never eat more than $3 of food in any given day. Month's food budget = $75, so it's actually more like $2.50 a day.
3) lights out whenever a room is not occupied. be freakish about it. every second counts. :P
4) spend as much time AWAY from the apartment as possible. that way you can use the university's electricity and heat, not your own.
5) take the bus or walk or ride your bike whenever possible. car=parked.
6) doing laundry=overrated. thus, it's probably better to own a TON of socks than to have to wash the 6 pairs you have all the time. same thing goes for any sort of clothes. i have a ton of pairs of jeans - that way they a) don't wear out as fast and b) laundry doesn't need to happen as often
7) Yes, Walmart is most likely evil. However, you can't argue with low prices.
8) If it isn't absolutely necessary for survival, it isn't necessary. Procrastination is key, especially when it comes to purchasing things. And you won't hear me say that about much else.
9) use all the water you want (especially in my case: I don't pay for water). Washing dishes=cheaper than running the dishwasher, because the dishwasher involves electricity [although I must confess I don't follow this rule, but as soon as the dishwasher soap I have is gone, it's back to the basics for me...I'm not spending money on something like dishwasher soap.]
10) enjoy your newfound financial limitations. it's actually kind of fun to see how cheaply you can live. I didn't use more than $5 of my miscellaneous budget in October. That's savings right there. :)
Yep. I'm insane. But at least I'm having fun, right?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
rambling thoughts for my future reference: aka i don't have a computer so my thoughts are now saved online)
false assumption:
compassion as naturally present (Chakrabarty, 121) - part of modernity is the idea that humans, through reason, have attained a higher morality. progress - humanity moving toward a higher ideal. how does this impact historical theory? historicity - the idea that time moves in a linear fashion - but more than that - time is evolutionary. all of this springs from the idea of the inherent goodness of humanity - it is something that needs to but can be discovered in all of humanity. if, then, i believe that humanity is fundamentally UNcompassionate, all of that is flipped on its head. humanity is not progressing - reason is only masking sin in a different way. because, indeed, i do not see evidence of humanity being more compassionate - in every day interactions the same practices occur. we have shifted the groups that we are compassionate to - but the "other" exists all the same. concrete example? the Christian has become a group that faces discrimination. the Christian is mocked. although, in observing conversation, i have noticed that even the categories that are not supposed to be discriminated against (homosexuality especially) when guards are let down, and when the context is not academic, actual feelings come out - a fear of homosexuality exists at a very fundamental level among heterosexuals. the educated elite have a nice language to cover everything, but beneath it all, the same practice exists...
if we don't have an actual understanding of what true, godly love is, then that throws everything off balance.
false assumption:
history is about power relations. this is based on the idea that everything is done to get ahead - that in everything there has to be a dominant and a dominated. according to the secular model, this is the bottom line. power relations are the way of explaining the world. and i can agree that much of what characterizes humanity is power. but what if there is a REASON for this? sin. this is heavily influenced by what i have read of Bonhoeffer's "Life Together." fake love is about power. godly love is about Christ loving through us. Real love is not about power, it is about the lack of power. it flips the world on its head. if sin's main effect on the world is to pervert love and turn it into subjugation of the weaker in order to satisfy self-interest, this would explain so much. the non-christian's non-exposure to true love (which is only shown in its pure form through Christ's death on the cross) leaves him or her unable to see a world where something other than power is possible.
compassion as naturally present (Chakrabarty, 121) - part of modernity is the idea that humans, through reason, have attained a higher morality. progress - humanity moving toward a higher ideal. how does this impact historical theory? historicity - the idea that time moves in a linear fashion - but more than that - time is evolutionary. all of this springs from the idea of the inherent goodness of humanity - it is something that needs to but can be discovered in all of humanity. if, then, i believe that humanity is fundamentally UNcompassionate, all of that is flipped on its head. humanity is not progressing - reason is only masking sin in a different way. because, indeed, i do not see evidence of humanity being more compassionate - in every day interactions the same practices occur. we have shifted the groups that we are compassionate to - but the "other" exists all the same. concrete example? the Christian has become a group that faces discrimination. the Christian is mocked. although, in observing conversation, i have noticed that even the categories that are not supposed to be discriminated against (homosexuality especially) when guards are let down, and when the context is not academic, actual feelings come out - a fear of homosexuality exists at a very fundamental level among heterosexuals. the educated elite have a nice language to cover everything, but beneath it all, the same practice exists...
if we don't have an actual understanding of what true, godly love is, then that throws everything off balance.
false assumption:
history is about power relations. this is based on the idea that everything is done to get ahead - that in everything there has to be a dominant and a dominated. according to the secular model, this is the bottom line. power relations are the way of explaining the world. and i can agree that much of what characterizes humanity is power. but what if there is a REASON for this? sin. this is heavily influenced by what i have read of Bonhoeffer's "Life Together." fake love is about power. godly love is about Christ loving through us. Real love is not about power, it is about the lack of power. it flips the world on its head. if sin's main effect on the world is to pervert love and turn it into subjugation of the weaker in order to satisfy self-interest, this would explain so much. the non-christian's non-exposure to true love (which is only shown in its pure form through Christ's death on the cross) leaves him or her unable to see a world where something other than power is possible.
toward a Christian philosophy of history
"A narrative strategy that is rationally defensible in the modern understanding of what constitutes public life - and the historians speak in the public sphere - cannot be based on a relationship that allows the divine or the supernatural a direct hand in the affairs of the world." - Dipesh Chakrabarty in "Provincializing Europe: Postcolonial Thought and Historial Difference."
To be fair, that statement must be qualified - science cannot prove God - and if history is a science then it necessarily must leave its reader to decide whether or not God was indeed working. However, it's still a slightly depressing thought - no room for the miraculous in history, no room for God in history.
It does have interesting implications for a Christian's philosophy of history, though. What is my role as a Christian historian? If not to write a history that gives God agency, what is left? And, is it even philosophically sound to claim that the supernatural cannot have agency in historical writing? These are questions I do not feel qualified to answer. And yet, I must try. Hopefully more on this later.
To be fair, that statement must be qualified - science cannot prove God - and if history is a science then it necessarily must leave its reader to decide whether or not God was indeed working. However, it's still a slightly depressing thought - no room for the miraculous in history, no room for God in history.
It does have interesting implications for a Christian's philosophy of history, though. What is my role as a Christian historian? If not to write a history that gives God agency, what is left? And, is it even philosophically sound to claim that the supernatural cannot have agency in historical writing? These are questions I do not feel qualified to answer. And yet, I must try. Hopefully more on this later.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
not one but three
Oh my goodness.
I went to the library a few hours ago and check out not one but three books by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Not sure when I'm going to find the time to read them, but, as a grad student I do get to keep them for a ridiculously long time. So not all is lost. :) I then walked down to Boulevard Park and sat on a park bench overlooking the bay...oh my goodness. Do I really live here? Sometimes I can't believe I'm so blessed as to be able to live in a place like this. It's ridiculously beautiful. Anyway, back to Bonhoeffer.
First off, quick biography on Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He lived in Germany in the first half of the 20th century. Trained as a pastor. When Hitler came to power, he was very much opposed to what he saw going on in Germany, particularly the way in which Hitler set himself up as an idol and the German Christian Church just went along with it. He was heavily involved with the Confessing Church (a church that protested Hitler and was persecuted as a result). He was involved in a secret seminary that was eventually discovered and shut down. He wrote a couple books ("Life Together" and "The Cost of Discipleship") during the mid-1930s. He went to the US at one point in 1939 and was encouraged to stay there and write instead of returning to a country where his very life would be endangered. The thing is, Bonhoeffer felt that the Christian is called to live in the world. That the calling of a Christian is to give up his very life for the sake of Christ. And so he returned on one of the last boats that went to Germany before the war. He became involved in a plot to overthrow Hitler, and in 1943 was arrested in connection with a failed assasination attempt. He spent the next few years in Tegel prison, writing extensively (published post-humously in "Letters and Papers from Prison). In late 1944 he was transferred from Tegel and was moved through various concentration camps, eventually being executed by order of Himmler in April of 1945.
I started reading "Life Together" (simply because it was his first book of the three I checked out). Wow, was I convicted, enlightened, ashamed, regretful, etc etc etc. I wish so much I had read this book a few years ago - it is possible that so much heartache could have been avoided. Then again, it's possible that I may not have understood what he was saying - some things can only be learned through hard experience.
He talks a lot about what it means to live in community with Christians, how it is a privilege that God gives us, but that we may not always have. Sometimes the fellowship of believers is only through the knowledge that we are not alone, even if we are in prison or exile. He then begins talking more in depth about what it means to be in community, arguing that Christian life together is only through the Spirit. There is a difference between human and spiritual love. Much of what we do in the name of "love" is really human love (for selfish motives). Many times we desire communion with other believers in order that we may have power over them (even if that means simply using them to gain love or support). It is only through Christ that we can love - we are called to love others for the sake of Christ.
You really need to read the book yourself. It's also crazy to read it knowing that this was years before Bonhoeffer was thrown in prison and executed. It was before he made the decision to join the plot on Hitler's life. It was before all of that, and reading this book knowing the places his radical committment to the teachings of Christ took him is powerful indeed. I'm excited to finish this one and read his other books. The third book I checked out from the library by him is "Ethics." It was not published until after his death because it was against the law - the manuscripts were actually buried to avoid detection. Obviously the Nazis weren't so crazy about what he was thinking/writing/teaching.
Anyway, I've probably avoided homework for long enough now - I actually need to get a significant amount of "actual" reading done tonight, and blogging about Dietrich Bonhoeffer isn't helping me accomplish that. No regrets, though. :)
[There is a very good possibility I'm way too attached to the theme I have going on in my recent blog titles.]
I went to the library a few hours ago and check out not one but three books by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Not sure when I'm going to find the time to read them, but, as a grad student I do get to keep them for a ridiculously long time. So not all is lost. :) I then walked down to Boulevard Park and sat on a park bench overlooking the bay...oh my goodness. Do I really live here? Sometimes I can't believe I'm so blessed as to be able to live in a place like this. It's ridiculously beautiful. Anyway, back to Bonhoeffer.
First off, quick biography on Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He lived in Germany in the first half of the 20th century. Trained as a pastor. When Hitler came to power, he was very much opposed to what he saw going on in Germany, particularly the way in which Hitler set himself up as an idol and the German Christian Church just went along with it. He was heavily involved with the Confessing Church (a church that protested Hitler and was persecuted as a result). He was involved in a secret seminary that was eventually discovered and shut down. He wrote a couple books ("Life Together" and "The Cost of Discipleship") during the mid-1930s. He went to the US at one point in 1939 and was encouraged to stay there and write instead of returning to a country where his very life would be endangered. The thing is, Bonhoeffer felt that the Christian is called to live in the world. That the calling of a Christian is to give up his very life for the sake of Christ. And so he returned on one of the last boats that went to Germany before the war. He became involved in a plot to overthrow Hitler, and in 1943 was arrested in connection with a failed assasination attempt. He spent the next few years in Tegel prison, writing extensively (published post-humously in "Letters and Papers from Prison). In late 1944 he was transferred from Tegel and was moved through various concentration camps, eventually being executed by order of Himmler in April of 1945.
I started reading "Life Together" (simply because it was his first book of the three I checked out). Wow, was I convicted, enlightened, ashamed, regretful, etc etc etc. I wish so much I had read this book a few years ago - it is possible that so much heartache could have been avoided. Then again, it's possible that I may not have understood what he was saying - some things can only be learned through hard experience.
He talks a lot about what it means to live in community with Christians, how it is a privilege that God gives us, but that we may not always have. Sometimes the fellowship of believers is only through the knowledge that we are not alone, even if we are in prison or exile. He then begins talking more in depth about what it means to be in community, arguing that Christian life together is only through the Spirit. There is a difference between human and spiritual love. Much of what we do in the name of "love" is really human love (for selfish motives). Many times we desire communion with other believers in order that we may have power over them (even if that means simply using them to gain love or support). It is only through Christ that we can love - we are called to love others for the sake of Christ.
You really need to read the book yourself. It's also crazy to read it knowing that this was years before Bonhoeffer was thrown in prison and executed. It was before he made the decision to join the plot on Hitler's life. It was before all of that, and reading this book knowing the places his radical committment to the teachings of Christ took him is powerful indeed. I'm excited to finish this one and read his other books. The third book I checked out from the library by him is "Ethics." It was not published until after his death because it was against the law - the manuscripts were actually buried to avoid detection. Obviously the Nazis weren't so crazy about what he was thinking/writing/teaching.
Anyway, I've probably avoided homework for long enough now - I actually need to get a significant amount of "actual" reading done tonight, and blogging about Dietrich Bonhoeffer isn't helping me accomplish that. No regrets, though. :)
[There is a very good possibility I'm way too attached to the theme I have going on in my recent blog titles.]
not one but two ... part two
I have decided to start attending a second church.
Before you assume that I must be extremely pious, let me state my motivations for my choice.
I love the church I'm at right now. I love the people, and I've invested there. I don't want to leave. However, I have come to a point where I might begin losing my sanity if I don't find Christian friends. I simply can't do this whole loner thing anymore. I want to have people that I can relate to, that I can be real with. That's hard at my current church because of the fact that they all appear to be married. I am planning to go back to the other big church that I visited in September in hopes of getting plugged into a twenty-somethings (preferably single) group.
I would just go to the on campus group thing and get plugged into a small group with them, but to be honest, I need to be in a small group with people that are past college age, and that can't happen with a campus ministry composed of college students. I know I'm still going to school, but my friends from back home are all graduated from college now, and, let's face it...I'm at a slightly different place in life than a college freshman.
And so, I am going back to that big church because I know they have Saturday night services, so it won't conflict with my current committments. :)
Before you assume that I must be extremely pious, let me state my motivations for my choice.
I love the church I'm at right now. I love the people, and I've invested there. I don't want to leave. However, I have come to a point where I might begin losing my sanity if I don't find Christian friends. I simply can't do this whole loner thing anymore. I want to have people that I can relate to, that I can be real with. That's hard at my current church because of the fact that they all appear to be married. I am planning to go back to the other big church that I visited in September in hopes of getting plugged into a twenty-somethings (preferably single) group.
I would just go to the on campus group thing and get plugged into a small group with them, but to be honest, I need to be in a small group with people that are past college age, and that can't happen with a campus ministry composed of college students. I know I'm still going to school, but my friends from back home are all graduated from college now, and, let's face it...I'm at a slightly different place in life than a college freshman.
And so, I am going back to that big church because I know they have Saturday night services, so it won't conflict with my current committments. :)
Saturday, November 6, 2010
not one but two
Both of my computers died. Both were discovered dead in the same day (my desktop was probably damaged in transit from South Dakota to here, so I can't accuse it of having died in the same day as my laptop did). I was pretty upset about my laptop dying (even though it is being fixed for free) but by the time I discovered my desktop is no longer good for anything but taking up space in my closet, I just laughed. It doesn't matter, anyway. I've found that having a computer is a convenience, but no more than that. I am doing just fine without it - I just have to structure my days a little differently to allow for time on campus to write papers. And it'll be back in a few weeks...all is well.
I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm always thinking. Here's some of what I've been contemplating.
1) I think I'm going to continue my original plan of studying Modern Europe/Nazi Germany. I just couldn't choke down the thought of spending my life studying the Spanish Empire...and so I will go for it despite the potential obstacles. This means I need to study German hard core. I need to be as fluent in reading it as possible within two years. I'm considering whether or not I should spend money to actually take the classes, or whether it would be possible to teach myself if I find the right textbook (perhaps the 1950s "Beginning German" textbook I was using wasn't the best plan). Because the thing is, I am not required to take language classes here to pass the language requirements since I already took Spanish classes. German won't matter until I go on for my Ph.D. So, do I take the cheap route and gamble that it will be enough? I think so.
2) I've been reading C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity." Actually, this is part of a larger pursuit on my part of integrating my faith and learning (thank you, Northwestern?). There is a lot of stuff I'm reading in my history classes that seems horribly one-sided (on the side of atheism), and so I'm trying to read some other stuff as well. It has proved thus far to be incredibly rewarding. On a side note, I'm becoming more and more convinced that there is much to be said for a Christian attending a secular institution. There is so much less pressure on me to edit my belief system, something which I'm still processing... why is it that Northwestern and some of its professors seemed to encourage me more than my atheist professors here to question the validity of what I believe?
3) I'm going back to SD for Christmas, and I'm already planning out some of the things I will be filling my time with while there. I'm going to try to bring as many books back with me as my carry-on will permit, and I'm going to try to do some writing on what I discover about philosophy and apologetics. There is so much to be said about comparing the philosophies of someone like Marx to someone like C.S. Lewis - where do C.S. Lewis' arguments successfully put down the arguments of atheism, and in what ways do they fall short? (I'm not going to assume that C.S. Lewis is infallible...sorry...) To this end, I'm hoping to read more books by Lewis, as well as hopefully some of Bonhoeffer. I've read a few things by both of these authors, but I have never had the opportunity to read more, and I need to. After all, they represent the best of Christian apologetics and the challenge of Christianity in a modern world.
4) for now, I need to stop procrastinating and work on my paper...
I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm always thinking. Here's some of what I've been contemplating.
1) I think I'm going to continue my original plan of studying Modern Europe/Nazi Germany. I just couldn't choke down the thought of spending my life studying the Spanish Empire...and so I will go for it despite the potential obstacles. This means I need to study German hard core. I need to be as fluent in reading it as possible within two years. I'm considering whether or not I should spend money to actually take the classes, or whether it would be possible to teach myself if I find the right textbook (perhaps the 1950s "Beginning German" textbook I was using wasn't the best plan). Because the thing is, I am not required to take language classes here to pass the language requirements since I already took Spanish classes. German won't matter until I go on for my Ph.D. So, do I take the cheap route and gamble that it will be enough? I think so.
2) I've been reading C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity." Actually, this is part of a larger pursuit on my part of integrating my faith and learning (thank you, Northwestern?). There is a lot of stuff I'm reading in my history classes that seems horribly one-sided (on the side of atheism), and so I'm trying to read some other stuff as well. It has proved thus far to be incredibly rewarding. On a side note, I'm becoming more and more convinced that there is much to be said for a Christian attending a secular institution. There is so much less pressure on me to edit my belief system, something which I'm still processing... why is it that Northwestern and some of its professors seemed to encourage me more than my atheist professors here to question the validity of what I believe?
3) I'm going back to SD for Christmas, and I'm already planning out some of the things I will be filling my time with while there. I'm going to try to bring as many books back with me as my carry-on will permit, and I'm going to try to do some writing on what I discover about philosophy and apologetics. There is so much to be said about comparing the philosophies of someone like Marx to someone like C.S. Lewis - where do C.S. Lewis' arguments successfully put down the arguments of atheism, and in what ways do they fall short? (I'm not going to assume that C.S. Lewis is infallible...sorry...) To this end, I'm hoping to read more books by Lewis, as well as hopefully some of Bonhoeffer. I've read a few things by both of these authors, but I have never had the opportunity to read more, and I need to. After all, they represent the best of Christian apologetics and the challenge of Christianity in a modern world.
4) for now, I need to stop procrastinating and work on my paper...
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