Thursday, September 3, 2015

On life

The summer has come and is now begins its departure, and he's been gone through it all.  We left our church and I have lived in the loneliest of aftermaths, in the silence of friendships that never were and now will never be, and he has been gone through it all.  My closest, dearest friends have all departed this summer to glorious new lives outside this purgatory, and he has been gone through it all.  I have lived through intense fear and dread in the fallout of things that happened when he was here, I have lost God, found Him, lost Him again, and he has been gone through it all.  

I have learned so many things about myself through this season.  

I have learned my strength, a strength that says "there isn't a soul in this town to help you, so get it together, girl."  I have managed a crazy dog with crazy neighbors (I think they're even might like me now), I have crashed my bike trying to exercise my dog, trudged home, almost passed out cleaning my wounds, and sobbed for a while on the couch wanting my husband there before driving myself to the pharmacy for bandages.  I have put the chain back on my bike, jumped my stupid car, and figured out how to get my air conditioner running when it died after a storm.  Simple things, but things that remind me of my independent spirit, of the girl who up and moved cross country twice.  I have faced the fears I have of the people who have shown hate to my husband and I.  I have prayed and encountered the divine.  I have truly lived this summer, something I never allowed myself to do last deployment.

I have also learned a bit more about myself than I ever knew before.  I have learned that there are few things that will persuade me that it is a good idea to make large sacrifices for something abstract or larger than myself, particularly if there is any chance of corruption.  This makes me a terrible military wife.  It also quite possibly makes me a terrible Christian.  I have learned that the good I do, I tend to do to make people like me.  I have learned that when someone doesn't like me, it threatens to destroy me.  Utterly destroy me.  I will do anything for approval.  

He is gonna come home at some point, and he will come home to a changed wife.  That's weird to think about. So much of this he has no idea about.  That's hard to face.  It's not that I have been hiding, it's that only so much can be conveyed through email and it has become insanely not worth it to me to even try.  Knowing your husband's coworkers read his emails before he does acts as a filter, that's for sure.  

Above all, I have learned that I deeply love the man I married.  I am strong without him, and I am lost.  I am fine and I am utterly heartbroken.  

Come home soon, my love.