I don't typically curse, but as I drove across town yesterday, I let it all loose. It didn't make anything better, really, but it was sort of freeing to acknowledge that words are just words and sometimes strong ones are the only ones left. I cursed my life and the corners into which I have backed myself. I cursed the Lack of Belonging, I cursed All of the Church People with All of the Answers. I cursed the fact that there is one person currently in this town who somewhat gets it and we orbit in separate circles. Well, we orbited.
I'm about to stop orbiting entirely.
I came to a breaking point yesterday, or rather a series of breaking points in the last week, and I can't do this anymore. I do not belong here, and it's time to stop trying.
There is no back up plan except my cozy apartment, a phone, and a reading list. There is no one coming alongside, no hand to hold in this journey. My husband is deployed and so I'm left with earbuds and a good playlist, with a barking, whining, bone-chewing puppy, and with the desperate hope that maybe God is here.
No, I'm not leaving my church, and, no I'm not quitting any of the ministries in which I'm involved. God has me here, and curse the consequences, I will persevere.
But I'm done with crowds for the sake of crowds, I'm done with hanging out with people to assuage the loneliness. I'm done with all of the ganging up, all of the "us-against-everyone-else"mentality. I'm done with needing to be understood by anyone. I'm done.
Curse it all, I'm done.
I won't be pulled along because I'm weak-willed. I will come alongside because God is my strength. I will not believe things because "that's what we're supposed to believe or maybe we're not really believers." I will believe things because I am compelled to believe them.
Lord, have mercy.