Wednesday, December 25, 2013

"for a night filled with song" - a Christmas reflection

I'm a Grinch.  I dread the month or so where all I hear on the radio is Christmas music, I hate exchanging gifts, and I certainly don't decorate my apartment for the Christmas season.  I despise the commercialization and secularization of Christmas and try to avoid it whenever possible.

But last night I sat in back row of the church in which I grew up, half-singing, half-listening as my church family sang Christmas carols in hymn style.  There's just something about hymns that allows for reflection, something about entirely mic-less worship that everyone should experience at least once.

Christmas, this season of hope - God incarnate, God become man.  God come down to conquer this world through humility and self-sacrifice.  God who died and rose again, God who will return to set things right.

That was my prayer last night: "Lord, return soon.  Your Kingdom come (soon, Lord!), Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."  This is a crazy messed up world in which we live, and I know it's sometimes messed up in my little hometown church, too, but last night as our voices blended to rise to the heavens, it was easy to see the Kingdom that is already here, Jesus present in His bride.  I don't know the form that His return will take; I'd like to think He'll probably surprise us once more with His love, his grace, his humility.  But He's coming, and last night I could both believe it with joy and hope for it with a desperate longing.  The beauty of my church family worshiping without the bells and whistles of a praise band and the knowledge that the world's a dark, dark place combined to give me a taste of the "here" and "not yet" aspects of the Kingdom of God.

It was a night filled with song, a night filled with the simple beauty of human voices raised in praise to the God of the universe, the God here among us, the God returning soon to make all things right.

I won't soon forget it.

Maranatha.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

for the days of no more safe distance

Safe distance
I always maintained
safe distance.
Strategic involvement
I always employed
strategic involvement.
Her choice
I always said it was
her choice.
Self interest
It's just
self interest.
God help me
I pray
God help me.
Self interest
to help is only
self interest.
not to help is
self interest.
it's all
self interest.

Selfless love
Show me the way to
selfless love.

Friday, December 6, 2013

for the fragmented nature of guilt, loss, fear, and loneliness

Love another, He said.  

I don't know when things changed; all I know is that they changed.  I stopped loving.

Selfish.  Self-seeking.  Self-centered.

It doesn't have to be this way.

I don't really know how to frame this story.  Failure?  Abandonment?  Natural change?

I don't have the emotional strength for my life right now.

It's breaking me down.  I'm not strong enough to face the undeniable abandonment.  I'm not strong enough to reach out to the broken people in my life.  I'm not strong enough to face the future without flipping out.  I'm not strong enough to begin again the uncertain work of making friends.

He loved me before I loved Him.

I am struck by God's relentless love.  Even as I weep at the loss of friends who have shoved me into the periphery of their lives, I shove God into the periphery of mine.  Everything takes precedence to Him.  I am consumed with what will make me happy, what will make things work best for me.  My schedule rules me.

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

God forgive me, that which I decry in others is present first of all in myself.

Monday, December 2, 2013

My Study of Revelation part 4 - Revelation 2:8-11

For information on sources, see this post.

Revelation 2:8-11 - Smyrna

Background on Smyrna:
Located on a bay of the Aegean Sea, Smyrna was one of the most important commercial cities in Asia Minor and remains so today. (Smith) Smyrna was located near a major road system, was very beautiful, and was a prime location for the Roman imperial cult with many temples located here. (Wright) A large church existed there fairly early on.  Polycarp was the bishop of Smyrna and is said to have known John the Apostle.  He was martyred in 167 AD. (Smith, wikipedia)

"Self-styled Jews":
Who exactly were these self-styled Jews?  The answer is up for debate, but likely Paul was referring to Jews who rejected Jesus as Messiah, as the early church thought of itself as Jewish through and through.  Jews had exemption from festivities associated with the imperial cult and were perhaps upset that Christians were also receiving this exemption.  This may have led to the persecution. (Wright)  It is also possible that the self-styled Jews were simply people claiming the heritage/religion of Judaism but had no faith/obedience to God.

Local illusions to Smyrna in the text:

  • "dead and came to life" - Smyrna had been sacked in ~500 B.C. and since rebuilt. (Wright, Wikipedia)
  • "crown of life" - potentially a reference to Smyrna - the acropolis of Smyrna was at the top of a hill and the architecture used the hill to appear somewhat like a crown. (Wright, Wikipedia)
Why were the Christians in Smyrna poor?
Poverty would have been an issue for Christians because employment was often found through trade guilds, which required participation in pagan activities.  Without participation, money was hard to come by. (Wright)

A final observation:
Nothing negative is said about this church - solely encouragement and praise.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

for the days when I'm terrible at juggling

My life has assumed a frantic pace over the past months, and today it threatens to overwhelm me.  I feel as if I am fielding six million separate conversations relating to social engagements and scheduling.  It's like I'm playing one of those typing games from elementary school where you have to type words before they fall off the cliff.  I'm madly typing and making all sorts of typos as I attempt to keep the words from falling into oblivion.  How is it that I am supposed to manage all of these demands on my time and attention?  I've never been the social butterfly, except maybe in college when I lived with my friends.  I spent high school holed up in my bedroom reading Christian historical fiction and graduate school doing homework and wandering the breathtakingly beautiful hills of Bellingham, WA.  I know scheduling difficulties only as they relate to making sure I leave enough time between work and church commitments for homework.

Times have apparently changed.

There are so many people and things in my life that are important to me.  As I have accumulated things and people of importance I have been forced to regiment my life more and more strictly to allow for it all to happen.  Take Tuesday, for example.  Tuesday I work until 5:30, run home to change for teaching piano lessons at 6:00, teach piano lessons until 7:00, run to bible study which I am now always late for since it starts at 7:00.  After bible study I spend a few minutes with my boyfriend and then it's time for bed.  I wake up Wednesday and perform much the same routine again.  Work, visit the assisted living, dinner with friends, time with boyfriend, bed.  Then there are days like Sunday.  Sunday I work and theoretically have the evening free.  Theoretically.  Ha.  Today, for example, I work until 4:15, potentially have a phone date with a friend, potentially hang out with a friend in town depending on when the phone date happens, potentially go to her small group if it all lines up perfectly, then hang out with my boyfriend at 8:30ish, then potentially a skype date with another friend at 10.  Seriously?  This has become my life.  Hour by hour it is regimented to the point of breaking.

And in some ways I like it.  It's nice to not have time to think or breathe sometimes.  I feel productive when it all goes perfectly.  Juggling is fun when all the balls are in the air.  The people I spend time with are important to me and I want to have time for them all.  I value my time with my boyfriend incredibly highly and am not willing to sacrifice it.  But every once in a while it all becomes too much.

I want to breathe the air.  I want to read and write and think and sing.  I want life to be less about the rat race of making enough money to exist and more about these people in my life who are so important to me.  I started teaching piano lessons a few months ago and I love it, but even those few hours a week I have devoted to teaching means a few hours less to spend with the people I love.

There's nothing to be done, really.  I can't give any of it up.

And so I guess I'll try to get better at juggling.