thirty-seven days

It's coming so quickly.

Tomorrow (technically speaking since it is 12:01 am) I leave on a week long canoe trip. When I come back the countdown will be in the twenties.

I'm so excited to move, so excited for this new start. Tonight I got off work earlier than I usually do and headed to Sioux Falls to meet up with a friend. Afterwards I went shopping by myself, and I caught a glimpse of what my life will be like in just over a month. It was bittersweet, because I know that I will be largely alone...no more family around all the time. But it was also a good feeling, because I will be independent and free.

honesty

So I have come to the place where there's very little else to say than what's really on my mind. I feel like I've been hiding for the past few months; out of shame, out of fear, and out of anger. I can't do it anymore.

My heart has been broken for the past year and three months. I used to tell almost anyone who would listen of my woes. I don't anymore, largely because I'm ashamed.

There was someone I cared about very much, and because of the way things went, I found myself with no other choice than to end our friendship. For the next six months things spiraled out of control as a direct result of this choice I made, and I found myself questioning it like nothing else I have faced in my life. It took me a long, long while, but I eventually managed to rationally assure myself that I did the right thing. Rationally assuring oneself of the rightness of a decision does not, however, stop the emotional consequences. I'm still not okay. It's a mixture of so many things. I miss this person, my best friend. My heart is broken because I caused my friend so much pain by my decision. And I find myself scarred by some of the things that happened as my friend reacted to my decision.

The pain that I'm working through has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I am so frustrated that I'm still dealing with it. I've begged God for healing so many times, and I've journaled, wept, screamed, questioned, and poured out my heart to God so many times...and still I walk through the darkness. Sometimes I wonder if the darkness will ever go away. This is a devastating question to ask, because I want so badly to be free. I want to forget, I want to heal, I want to move on. And yet I find myself broken all the same.

In the words of a beautiful Superchic(k) song, I want so badly for there to be beauty from my pain. I trust that one day the light will come, that one day I will be able to look back and see God's hand at work in my life. I catch glimpses of it every once and a while even now, and it gives me the strength to press on.

I feel sometimes like my relationship with God is struggling because of this. I struggle to see God in it, especially as the darkness stretches on without end. At first it was easy to cling to Jesus, but I am losing my strength and losing my focus. I'm becoming weary of waiting for deliverance. And I hate myself for that. I keep asking myself why it is my heart is still broken and why God isn't coming to my aid...maybe the answer lies in my own avoidance of the only one who offers me any real hope.

taking a break

i think i am done posting here for a while. to be quite honest, i'm not sure how i feel about putting my unedited thoughts out there for the whole world to see. especially when half the time i am not sure i like the way i think in the first place.

history

Today I was working on revising my "history hike" at the park. I was reading through the binders of type-written "histories" that we have, and looking through old pictures. I realized once more the complete disarray that the information we have about the 19th century Newton Hills is. I also realized how much I would love to dig deeper and write an actual history of the area. There's so much just beneath the surface. And then I remembered that I'm moving in two months and will not be getting that opportunity. It was sort of a sad moment.

On a slightly different note, I'm starting to discover my leanings toward archeology. There are a lot of legends of buried treasure and such about Newton Hills, and I find myself thinking that it'd be pretty cool to try to find some of the locations talked about in the old writings about the park.

It's crazy, the people that work at Newton Hills right now have NO IDEA of the history of the park - even the manager probably couldn't tell you when the park was founded. I'm not much better, but I do wish that more was made of the rich history of the area. For example, at another park in our district, a man used to live in a cave. No one working there would even know about the fact that there's a cave in that park if I hadn't told them. And they don't seem to care at all.

I realize I'm sort of a nerd...but this stuff is fascinating to me. Almost to the point where I'd consider going to grad school for local history. But, my course is set, and I'm equally passionate about modern German history, so it'll work.. :)

reflections

I've had a lot of time to think in the past few days. Following is some of what I have been thinking about.

I'm an introvert, and I think the way that works out in my life is that I'm not a huge fan of small talk or casual conversation that lasts for any length of time. When I'm hanging out with people, I appreciate being able to withdraw and simply be a wallflower for random periods of time. I get exhausted trying to carry on a continuous conversation, especially when it's about surfacey things and I need to be polite. On the other hand I have no problem having long conversations about deep, heart things. When I'm spending time with someone I don't know very well, there's nothing that annoys me more than when they insist on talking all the time. I'd much rather we both agree to just coexist in silence. This happens at work sometimes... I'd rather just hang out in silence than expend energy just talking about lame things like how hot it is outside or if the welcome center has been busier or slower than usual. And I understand this is a personality thing...so I don't hold it against those who feel the need to talk for hours on end about pointless things. But I came home from work tonight exhausted...

I think the past eight months at home has changed me back into what I was before college. Not in a bad way...I mean, I have kept certain things from college. However, as I accept the fact that college is over, and as I learn to live without my friends from college, I find myself being more and more ok with things like the fact that I have no friends here. I am beginning to pick up some of my old past times and interests. I have rediscovered a love for Diet Coke, Zoegirl, and reading fiction. At the same time, though, I am holding on to my passion for history, and I consider myself to be somewhat more confident and talkative in professional situations than I was a few years ago. But it's strange, because I feel more at home here than I left for college, and now it's time to leave. Forever.

It's strange how much my life is revolving around the future this summer, and yet how much I'm enjoying my time here (when I'm not working at least). I didn't know that would be possible, but it's turning out very possible.

It's official. The lease is signed, sent away with the $589 holding fee/deposit. I can't back out now, unless I want to pay $589 a month to live at home and preserve my credit.

Now it's time to get excited. Before I always felt like things might not work out and I'd be stuck at home for who knows how long, waiting tables at a hickish truck stop. But now my dream is coming true... and I'm so happy. :) I am excited to embrace this new apartment. It may not be perfect, and it may not be the cheapest possible place, but it will be my home for the next year. Worst case scenario, it's a complete rip off and a horrible deal. Either way, I'm stuck paying for it, so might as well just forget all the other *might have beens* and focus on what is. And the way I look at it, it has a pool...what could possibly be bad about that? :P I'm so excited to make it home, and to make it work. I'm excited to do what it takes to survive on my own. Like it or not, my name is on that lease, and I WILL be moving to Bellingham in just under two months.

Five (possibly six) more shifts at T.O.D. That's a relief, although in some ways I'm wishing I wouldn't have to quit so soon. It's stressful, because I know how much I might want the money in the future. But it's necessary. I want to be able to travel, to take time off, to enjoy life here before I leave.

I'm really frustrated tonight, for a wide variety of reasons. But I'm also in a rather reflective mood.

I was driving home from work tonight, thinking about the Midwest. This was most likely inspired by the Regional Studies class I took a year or so ago - that class gave me a deeper appreciation of the region I live in - what makes it unique and just how beautiful it really is. My paper on 1880s blizzards only deepened my respect for this region. Life is so harsh here. The prairie can be truly unforgiving - severe weather is a regular occurrence. But it's beautiful here. And the prairie for whatever reason holds a vibrant and beautiful culture. It is so sad to watch modernization and globalization slowly by slowly take from this region what makes it unique.

I have been looking through an album of old photos of Newton Hills lately, realizing again just how much life has changed since even the 1970s. Being born in the 1980s, I don't know that I have had the opportunity to appreciate how much life has changed, even since I was born. There is something compelling about looking through photos from 40 years ago...Nothing looks the same, and I have a hard time recognizing places...even though I have spent countless hours in the park in the past three years and know it almost inside out. Just a simple matter of trees can change a place fundamentally. The lake at the park is now surrounded almost entirely by trees, but it has not always been that way. Only thirty years ago it was surrounded by prairie. I suspect that much of the park looks entirely different from its original form, just because of new trees.

I always take the trees for granted. I view them as an unchanging part of a place. This simply isn't true, though. Trees fall down, they are blown down, they are planted. This process creates an ever-changing environment. Tonight I showed a movie on greek constellation myths. It's fascinating to think of the fact that the stars I look at tonight are the same as ancient cultures looked at thousands of years ago. And yet, these stars also are transitory. They too shift with time - new stars being formed and old ones burning out.

Humans depend on things staying the same. We search for it, are comforted it...we choose to believe that our surroundings have remained unchanged, even when something as simple as an old picture proves that the place has not always been the same. And yet we are also fundamentally aware of the ways that things change, at least when it comes to certain things. People know how much people change. We are so very aware of the ways in which we differ from our ancestors, even when in truth we may be more alike than we realize. The political and religious climate is always shifting, leaving humanity to be constantly convinced that *this* generation is superior, that we have finally discovered the truth.

And yet, some things never change, even the things that we seem to assume DO change. Humanity is always flawed. God is always good. We seem to have it all backward, assuming that our physical surroundings are constants and that everything else is shifting, when really, it's the other way around.

***September 9***

It is official! On September 9 I will be moving into my new home in Washington! I was accepted today and will be signing the lease on Monday! I am so pumped!

I am going to be living very cheaply. My rent will be $589 a month and I will be making $1183 a month, so there won't be a lot of wiggle room as far as spending goes. I have been figuring out my budget, and I think I can make it work, as long as there aren't too many unexpected expenses. Check out my hard core budget.

Monthly stipend: $1183
Rent: $589
Electric: ~$75 (hopefully less, that's a worst case scenario)
Food: $100 (yay sales and never eating out!)
Gas/Car: $50 (yay living within walking/biking distance to school)
Car Insurance: $25ish I believe (yay keeping my car under my dad's name and paying him for insurance costs)
Miscellaneous: $150
Cell phone: $20 at most (yay hopefully staying on my parent's family plan)
Total costs: $1009

That's the budget for 9 months of the year - the other 3 months will require a job of some sort for survival. ;) I'm hoping to get some piano students, or possibly work at a state park in Washington.

I'm so excited to have my own apartment! It looks really cute, and it has a pool! It's more expensive than I was originally hoping for, but with most real estate management companies requiring an in-person visit, I ended up having to compromise in order to get something, especially after the distant relatives all fell through. I'm so excited that this is real now, that I have an apartment and that I have a move-in date. I feel like I can officially be excited now, like I can truly start to plan and dream...because I have a place to live. I am slightly nervous due to the fact that I haven't seen it, but I'm trusting that God is looking out for me and will go with me wherever I go!

I'm so excited to meet people, make friends, and start a new life. I'm excited to make a whole new set of memories and explore this brand new (to me) region. I'm excited to live in a beautiful city and learn to love a whole new culture (it will doubtless be entirely different than Hicktown, SD). I'm blessed, and so thrilled to embrace my new life! It will be bittersweet leaving the Midwest, but honestly, I think it will be much more sweet than bitter. There's nothing left here for me. College was so wonderful, but it's over, and the people that I love so dearly are scattered all over (relatively speaking). I don't have any friends left from high school, and friends from church are few and far between. My jobs are far from "career jobs" and I will not be at all heartbroken to leave them. My family is wonderful, but I don't really have a place here. Everything I own is either a) in the attic or b) in the hallway. So it's time to leave. It's definitely time.

acceptance and mourning

Today I am making the choice to mourn and to move on. To decide that what is over is over and to allow myself to for the first time fully accept this. To recognize the past for what it is, the past, and to move on in every sense of the word.

I kinda wish I was in the song-writing mood, because there is so much that could be better captured through music than words can do justice to.

i am an adult.

Alright, I just want to say this now, and I wonder at my need to say this, because no one has necessarily directly addressed this insecurity I have, yet I have it nonetheless.

I graduated from college. I am an adult now, and I will be moving across the country in under 2 months and three days. I am going to graduate school. I am moving out of my parent's house and will not be returning (unless financial catastrophe strikes and the alternative is the streets). I will be all but financially independent of them and will not be living the life of a college student in the sense that I will not be going home for every break. I will not be living on campus (unless every other option falls through). Also, I will be WORKING for the school, 20 hours a week to be exact. So although it is not a full time job, it does come with health insurance, and it does pay me a salary.

Sometimes I feel as if people get the idea that my parents are paying my way through grad school, or that I am basically just continuing the whole "college" thing. In one sense I guess I am. My loans are deferred, I will be paying tuition, and I will be going to classes. However, grad school is my dream. It is the direct path that will lead me to my dream job, and I will be working 20 hours a week doing something similar to that which I will be doing for the rest of my life (an internship if you will).

Everything is on the line for me. Yeah, I'm deferring my loans and won't have to worry about paying them in the immediate, but some day down the line they will come back, and bigger than ever. If I mess this up, I am the one who will pay the consequences. Financially speaking, I am my own person now. I have been working and saving up to fly out of the nest, so to speak, and I will be doing so in September. I will be on my own, and I really hope that people will view me as a competent adult, or at least will view me on the same level as my other college graduate friends. Because that is what I am. I graduated from college, and I could be working a "real" job now if I chose to.

It bothers me that people assume that it will be "easy" for me to move to WA simply because I will still be a student. I argue that it is harder...I get paid next to nothing and have to pay college tuition besides.

That's all...

the wilderness draws me

Well, life is alright. I am unable to do anything about apartments this weekend due to the holiday, so I have a few days of respite. That is a blessing in some ways. I know which apartment I am going to apply for, and I'm just hoping and praying it works out, and that the $45 application fee is not a complete waste. That would stink. Until Tuesday, though, I just chill and try to enjoy life in the present.

The midwest is beautiful. Sometimes (quite often actually) as I drive to or from work, I reflect on the beauty of the plains, and how much I will miss the wide open spaces, the corn fields, the gently rolling hills (if you can call them that). I will miss the violence of life on the plains - the storms and the extreme temperatures. I will miss knowing my place, of feeling like I belong or at least am known. I will miss the sea of green that stretches to the horizon in a carpet of beauty.

Tonight I showed a movie at the park on bird migration. It was basically an hour and a half long movie with very little narration (every 20 minutes or so the narrator would say maybe a few sentences) and a lot of beautiful video photography of birds all over the world. I didn't learn any cool facts, but I was able to witness a huge variety of crazy birds in unadulterated wilderness. It reminded me of Denali National Park in Alaska (easily the wildest, most awe-inspiringly beautiful place I have ever been). I realized how little of the world I have seen - how many wide-open wild places there are. In a weird way, watching these birds flying through untouched wilderness struck an emotional chord with me - I kept thinking about my upcoming move, and how scary it may very well be. I will be surrounded by people in a city where I know no one. I will be alone in a sea of humanity. I might as well be entirely isolated in the deep wilderness. And yet, there is something healing about wilderness, something that cleanses.

Speaking of wilderness, one month from today I will be in the Boundary Waters. I am very excited.

maybe this time.

At 5 minutes to closing time, I made the call. The apartment complex I am looking at has ONE one bedroom unit available on September 7 (nearly perfect timing) and it is also the price I was looking for (cheapest available in that particular complex). I am nearly sure I am going to apply for this one - it's near campus, it's reasonably priced (although more expensive than I was originally planning to consider), it looks fairly decent, and I want to know where I will be living.

And so, I am ready to take the plunge, the step of faith, to make the call...and that scares me a little, because there is so much that I don't know about this apartment. It might be a horrible place that I hate living. But that's the nature of it...

I keep waiting for something to fall through and have to start all over...