The Resolutions

1) work out for 20 minutes 3 times a week.  no point in making some crazy resolution on this point.  3 times a week is better than nothing.

2) daily Bible reading.  i've gotten sloppy on this point and jan 1 is as good a time as any to fix this.

3) eat healthily and in moderation.  no need to continue being a pig.

oh life

Right now life is good.  So good, in fact, that I may as well be glowing.  I love my life, I love where it's headed, I love what I am doing and what I'm about.  I love my friends, I love my job.  Love, love, love.

However, life isn't always like that.  And it occurred to me that happiness can be so fleeting.  This feeling of being right where God wants me is something I always wish to have, but may not always have.  Life may not always be easy, life may not always be fun.

My prayer through all of it is that I would look to Jesus first.  I want Jesus to be my reason for getting up in the morning, the praise that is on my lips, and my motivation.

2012 in Review

January:

As 2012 opened, I was hard at work on my thesis.  I was in the throes of a weight loss challenge with my youngest sister in preparation for a family vacation to Hawaii.  I went to Hawaii.  My future goals included studying abroad in Germany for the summer.  I began attending a new small group in Bellingham with a church I didn't attend.  For the first time in B-ham, I had unmarried Christian friends my age.  Probably should have worked on that earlier, although I learned so much from the friends I did have, and I love them dearly still.

Febraury:

I was a fool.  I made some major mistakes with one particular friendship, letting it become more than it should have become.  I thought about racism.  I applied to my first park service job and felt for the first time the pull to leave the city I called home.  Sister Kayla got engaged!

March:

I applied to park service job after park service job, and gave up that I'd ever get one.  I collected monopoly tickets from the local grocery store and prayed for a 25k windfall.  I planned to work at Walmart or Starbucks, depending on who'd hire me.

April:

More failures on the job front.  I got an interview for a summer job in Bellingham.  Failed to get the job even though I nearly had a masters in history and was ridiculously over-qualified and they were hiring 8 people.  Figured if I couldn't get that job it was game over for any job besides Walmart or Starbucks.  I got an interview from a job in St Marys, GA.  Googled it.  I took a school trip to Spokane.  I realized last minute that I had like two weeks before it would be too late to defend my thesis.  Hurriedly scheduled a defense date.  My advisor found out he had cancer.

May:

I was offered a job in Georgia.  I decided to move.  The emotion of it all was so intense - I was in the park service, but I was leaving the town I loved.  I was terrified.  I was at peace.  I was everything.  I reflected on the past couple years.  And I started selling off my furniture and other belongings.  Everything was getting in that car, like it or not.  I reflected on gender and stuff.  Defended thesis for a mediocre grade.

June:

Oh, June.  The month that changed my world.  I left the fairest city of them all the day of my graduation.  My car broke down an hour out of town.  I still made it home in two days.  My sister got married.  I made the move to Georgia without having a clue where I would live.  I met some people who very insanely quickly became family.  And I realized that however much I loved my new life in Georgia, I had left my heart in Bellingham.

July:

I started reading and reviewing books.  I visited churches and hated them all.  I struggled to define myself surrounded by people that didn't understand the "West Coast Me."  I decided that I should be more conservative.  Definitely less liberal.  And some other stuff happened, but I won't talk about that here......

August:

Some other stuff continued happening............   I continued missing Bellingham way too much.  My parents and youngest sister visited.  One of my best friends visited me.  As we walked on the beach in Fernandina, I was for the first time okay with being here.  I read "Inspiration and Incarnation" by Peter Enns, and it changed my life.  I read part of "Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and it changed my life even more.  Or at least began to change my life.

September:

I visited the beach again, this time with my friends from here.  I had a moment.  I got an accountability partner.  I once again began attending church.

October:

My aunt visited at a point in my life here where I most needed the distraction due to some other stuff happening......  We had a great time.  I did a lot of thinking this month about my faith.  God was changing my heart.

November:

I celebrated my first Thanksgiving without relatives.  I worked.  It turned out not so bad: a tourist gave me chocolate.  Obama was re-elected.  I didn't vote.  I realized I was glad I didn't vote.

December:
That other stuff happening..........began to shift........  I revealed to the world that I am a feminist.  I had a moment of panic.  Then I realized how glad I was to just be out with it.  I applied to some jobs in Alaska.  Got referred to a couple.  I celebrated my first Christmas outside of SD, a very bittersweet experience.  I turned twenty five.

It's been a year of intense changes, a year of intense emotion, a year of growth and clarity.  I still miss Bellingham with every fiber of my being (a mark, I think, of a place that I will always consider home), but I see so clearly the working of God in bringing me here, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

In 2013, I hope to get a permanent job, get a boyfriend, get engaged, and get married.  Maybe even have a baby on the way.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

I'll let you sort out the kidding and sort of.

A Reflection on Christmas

I've never really liked Christmas.  It stresses me out - decisions to be made on what gift to buy for whom, that awkward moment when a friend for whom you had not planned to give a gift gifts you, all the decorating fuss, the lack of objectively speaking good music on the radio or in church.  It all combines to make me somewhat of a "grinch."

I often rail against the secularization of Christmas, against its pollution and the destruction of the "true meaning of Christmas."  And yet, how often do I stop to consider for myself the true meaning of Christmas?  Very rarely.

Christ become man.  The God of the universe taking on flesh.  Omnipotence becoming powerless.  A revelation of the nature of God, of the nature of power, of the nature of love.  Humility and powerlessness.  This is love.  This is God.

trilogy

#1:
You wake up this morning with your battle chosen for you - the painful task of untangling dream, emotion, and reality.  Your dreams leave your emotions disconnected and everything so confused.  Your dreams are not reality but your emotions want them to be.  Your emotions cannot be allowed to rule, because, if they are, reality will once again become a nightmare.

#2:
At some point you are confronted with a choice.  Either continue to hopelessly love another - a noble choice, to be sure - or start the arduous and uncertain work of training your brain to let go.  You are never sure which choice is noble and which profane; maybe neither, maybe both.  And maybe it's not so much about choosing between the alternatives, but about entrusting God with the choice.  Learning each day to pray "Thy will be done," and truly mean it in every sense of the word.  But it is there that it is tricky.  Because always your brain struggles against your spirit, every day your brain attempts to wrest control of your dreams.  At every turn you must pray.  "Pray without ceasing," he said.  And he really meant it.  Never is a moment of losing focus is allowable.

#3:
And so now I no longer obsess over you.  I obsess, rather, over letting you go.

It's been an emotionally draining day.  Too much thinking, too much dealing with the direct and indirect fall-out from thinking.  I'm tired and sad.  It will pass, I'm sure.  Tomorrow is a new day, it always is.

How do I love my neighbors with humility and submissiveness?

How do I remain intellectually honest while loving God above all else?

How do I learn to balance my heart and my mind?

How do I cope with my self-inflicted isolation?

God, show me the way.  May I follow You.  Only You.

the problem with politicizing piety

I have been thinking a lot today about politics and politicians and their religious beliefs.  Mike Huckabee's a good example of a Christian politician who is vocal about his Chrisitianity.  Many walk this road.  Christians want Christians in office, they want America to be a Christian nation.

Here's my problem with that.

That Christianity is a Christianity of power.  

When I claim that God has been banished from our schools, our courthouses, our legislation, and our country, I put God in a tiny little box and banish him myself.  When I fight for God to be “put back” in schools, I fight for my particular perspective to be forced on the world.  That’s not the way God works. 

God sent his Son, Jesus.  Jesus served, suffered, and died.

He didn’t do anything political.  And, believe me, many wanted a political Jesus.  After all, the Romans were in charge of the Promised Land.  They needed a Messiah, and they needed their Messiah to deliver them from their political situation.

Jesus didn’t deliver on that desire.  Instead, He loved people.  

All people.

Even the Romans.

I believe that Christians are called to follow Jesus.  To follow him into a scary place where God appears powerless.  To admit defeat, but to love God boldly nevertheless.  That is what it means to follow.  To be meek and gentle.  

further reflections on my status as a feminist

Dear non-feminists,

Last night's post was, I do admit, a bit abrasive.  It was scary for me to be honest, and my fear at times comes out in verbal aggression.  A war of words, if you will.

I wrote what I believe.  I did not, however, write what I believe is the truth.  I'm not sure what the truth is.  I feel very pulled each way.  I feel the realities of my life as an independent women as well as the observed realities of most Christian marriages standing in stark contrast to the ideals that Christians profess about men being "the head" of women.  I've seen women lead, and I've seen them lead effectively.  I've seen women submit to men, and I've seen that to be beautiful in certain contexts as well.

I've read the Bible as God's personal letter to me in 2012 and I've read the Bible as an inspired historic document that reflects God's interactions with people in a different place and time than I.  I've danced the conservative dance, I've danced the liberal dance.  I currently find myself caught in the middle.

But certain things I do know.  One of those things is that I don't fit.  I have vastly different beliefs than my closest friends all over the country.  And for so long I've hid from that fact.  Pretended to be what I wasn't feeling.  Hid behind my knowledge of conservative culture while avoiding honestly admitting how I felt.  Compromised.

My difference is so hard to deal with, because I am the sort of person who always, always, always finds common ground with people.  If two people are fighting, I will find the common ground and point it out so that the tension can dissolve.

But the honest truth is, I want to hash this out.  I want to figure it out.  I want to be decidedly feminist or decidedly not.  I think part of that requires prayer, part of that requires time, part requires study, and part requires conversation.  Real, honest, and maybe even sometimes hard conversation.

How do I go back to the "conservative" me, though?  I feel hopelessly stuck.  Stuck in a mind that has been trained as a historian.  Stuck in a mind that rationalizes things in a very particular way.  Stuck in a mind that, quite frankly, has a very hard time relating to most of my fellow-believers.

I dunno.  I just don't know.  People tend to disagree with that which they don't understand, or with that which they fear.  I fear a world where I'm subordinate, where certain roles are expected of me, roles I can't fulfill.  I fear a world where things are abrasive, certain, and closed.  I find myself a hopeless product of the environment in which I came of age: academia.  I fear the possibility - or rather, the certainty - that all of my head knowledge is utter foolishness in the face of God.

And so I want you to know this:

I don't know.  I have no idea what God wants from me as a woman.  I have no idea how he feels about feminism.  I have no idea just how sinful I am being right now (and probably quite so).  I want you to know that I respect your opinion, no matter what it is.  I understand why you believe that men are supposed to lead women.  I understand why you believe that women and men should lead together.  And understanding both sides is what torments me.

God, forgive me.

where i stand on being treated like a girl and gender stereoptypes and all that fun stuff

Rant to follow:

Something was said tonight.  Something that made me feel uncomfortable.  Something was said yesterday.  The day before.  Last week.  Six times last month.  It's the story of life.  People make assumptions about what it means to be a girl or what it means to be a guy.

So I'm just going to rant about a bunch of things.  I hold the following opinions loosely; I may very well be wrong on some of it.  But I'll document it nonetheless.

1.  As a girl, I am not the only one responsible for male lust.  Someone said something recently about girls going from wearing floor length skirts to shorter skirts as an example of declining morality in this country.  Part of me died inside.  Yes, I should be modest.  But so should guys.  When guys talk about how girls should dress modestly, it often just makes me feel really objectified.  And awkward, like I need to button my shirt to the neck and get out my veil.  Immediately.

2.  As a girl, I buck the trend by rarely wearing make up.  Mostly because I'm lazy.  But also just because I don't get into make up and hair straighteners and hair spray and curlers and highlights.  I don't feel as if this makes me less feminine.  It just makes me me.  I like playing nerdy board games with the guys or out-eating all the guys in the room.  I think the same standard should go for guys.  It makes me so sad and frustrated to listen to guy friends talk about things as "girly" as if that makes those things less than desirable.  So what if one aspect of your personality falls a bit short of gender stereotypes?  I, actually, am much more attracted to guys who like a few girly things here and there.  If you're a man's man, abrasive, only talk about cars, football, and girls, I will steer clear of you.  We probably won't even be friends.  And I'm the "masculine" girl!  What?  Dear boys, you do not always need to be "strong."  You can be weak every now and then.  You can listen to Taylor Swift, you can watch a chick flick.  You can find bugs gross, and you don't have to be able to lift ridiculous amounts of weight for you to be a man.  You can be you.  It's okay.

3.  I'll just get this out of the way, too, while I'm at it.  Guys, you don't need to treat me differently because I'm a girl.  Chivalry?  It can die as far as I'm concerned.  In fact, it sometimes hurts my feelings a bit when I'm not allowed to be an equal because of my gender.  I think you should treat everyone with love and concern.  Put everyone ahead of yourself.  Serve me as you serve your brothers.  I hope to be allowed to serve you, as well.

a testimony to the goodness of God

This post is here because I'm not always very good at talking.  When I say stuff, it doesn't come out like it sounds in my head, or I never bother to say it at all out of fear of it sounding absolutely ridiculous.  In any case, this needs to be written down anyway.  This blog post is a testament to the goodness and provision of God.  God truly deserves all of the glory for the things He has done in my heart and life and in the hearts and lives of the people He has graciously placed in my life.

This story begins in September 2011, while sitting around the table at my aunt and uncle's house in Washington state.  After that conversation, I went home and wrote this (for the full post, see this link: The End of Church):

I think the church is dying, or at least is on its way to dying. Maybe it's already dead in any real sense. After all, on what is an institution built (even if built on an entirely true creed) if its members do not love their neighbors? If its members do not long for the things of God with every breath, what is its purpose? An elaborate social networking place? A place to hang out, to be served, and to go home feeling fed? What is the point of "truth" if it does not result in sacrificial love and service to the broken?

What I'm looking for is this: A small group of individuals who meet together regularly, (but in relative secret - see Matt 6:5 for my rationale), to pursue God together. A group who is committed to each other no matter the cost. A safe place where there is no "off topic" conversation topic. A group without a paid leader, without a budget of any kind, except an offering for the sole purpose of service to the hurting, broken, and lacking. A group who shares with one another as if they were blood relatives. A group who takes discipleship seriously, who is not afraid to walk the hard road, and who always pursues the narrow and elusive path of hardship even in the easy times. A group that is composed of believers who live sacrificially, loving their neighbors more than themselves. Believers that live fully in the world, loving the tax collectors and sinners - never forgetting that what they do to the least of these, they do to Jesus. A group that does "not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing," but also does not equate "church" with "best way of meeting together." I'm looking for a place where I can love God, where I can seek Him, where I can grow in my walk with him, where I can make disciples (and be discipled), and where I can lead and serve both my brothers and sisters and the world at large. Not so I can make a difference or change the world, but because I am coming to the conclusion that life is not about winning converts to a creed but about remaining true to Christ's call to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, no matter the personal cost.

I am writing tonight to tell you about the goodness of God, of His power, and of His gracious provision and call in my life.  Because, you see, the above paragraph describes almost exactly the people I have found here in Georgia.

I moved to the middle of nowhere Georgia in June of this year.  Two days after arriving, I stumbled upon a group of people to whom I was immediately drawn.  We became friends almost instantly.  My work schedule didn't (and still doesn't) allow me to attend church, but my friends were all part of a singles' group at a church here in the area, so I began attending their Bible study on Tuesday nights.

Almost immediately, I watched my life begin to change.  By September, God was calling me in some big ways, challenging the ways I thought about what it means to follow God, challenging me to more fully surrender.  This process continues still, and it is complex and I don't yet know the end of the story.  But this I do know.

I have watched this small group change and grow.  I have watched numerous people join our number, and I have watched visible change happen in their lives as God calls them into relationship with Himself.  We study the Word together, and it is changing us.  We pray together, and it is changing us.  We serve the community together, and it is changing us.  I have never been part of a group of people in which God is so clearly moving, and it nearly moved me to tears tonight.

We are best described as a strange group.  Men and women of various ages, backgrounds, and interests.  Many of us have little in common beyond a love for Christ.  But that love binds us together.  My friends (or rather, my family) have cared for me in numerous ways over the past five months.  They have shown me the love of Christ in crazy and undeserved ways.  We spend tons of time together, and they encourage me to pass on the love I have been shown to everyone else I meet.

God is good.  To Him belongs all the glory.  I believe that He is doing great things here in my small Georgia town, and for that I am indescribably thankful.

the Call

I was talking with some friends last night, and we were discussing the wisdom of taking a year off from dating.  A guy friend didn't understand why girls would do such a thing, if we are meant to be pursued rather than the being the pursuers.

And here's the thing...

The problem is that the business of waiting is, in my opinion, far more difficult for a woman, from whom most of the control has been wrested.  If I cannot pursue a man in whom I have interest, I am rendered essentially passive, indeed, powerless.

And that requires a great deal of discipline.  The woman waiting to be pursued must learn to wait, with nothing to be done but wait.

This is something I struggle with in my faith, too.  God bids me to wait on Him.  I can wait on Him only sometimes, only in those moments where my deepest desires remain out of reach.  The hard part is when my emotions and desires do not match up.  It is then that I learn what it will truly cost me to follow Jesus.

You see, at times the call of Jesus lacks its emotional validity.  At times it seems as clear and obvious as the clearest day.  The challenge lies, though, in committing to Jesus through the times when it makes sense and the times when it doesn't.  Jesus calls me to surrender.  To lay my hopes and dreams of a permanent job, a husband, and a family at His feet.  To trust that if I follow Him, forsaking all things, He will provide for me in every way.  That although it will never be easy, He will always be there.

What does it look like to live only to know Christ?  How does it look to make the pursuit of Christ my only focus?  No excuses, no exceptions.  Just wholehearted surrender.  Leaving my heart in the hands of Jesus, so secure there that only God himself can move in my life.  So that only His way, whatever that may be, matters.

I don't know how to go about the business of surrender.  Then again, maybe I do.  I learned all my life about what it looks like to truly live the Christian life and now here ti is - the moment when Christ calls me to lay it all down, forsake my life and follow Him.  And it is now that I waver, unsure of what I should do.  Because that's always how it is - one can learn all the sunday school answers, but it will always be the actual leap that can only be made at the call of my Lord.

And he calls.

And I waver.

Here's what I do know:

1.  The surrendered life is a life daily surrendered.  Every day begun with the same prayer: "Not my will but Your's be done."  Every day, no matter my feelings or the circumstances, choosing Christ.  Choosing him above all other things.
2. Following Christ doesn't make sense.  People will tell me in various ways that I need to take control, that God isn't enough.  Looking in from the outside, my life will seem absurd, my contentment in Christ crazy.  But when Christ bids me follow, He requires me to surrender all I hold dear.  He requires me to lay it all at His feet.

And what is it that God bids me surrender?

I believe that at the moment, He wants me to give Him my desire for a husband.  God calls me to trust that His way is best.  He doesn't call me to say "I will never marry," only to say "God is in control."  In His timing.  His perfect timing.  Maybe never, maybe someday.  It is this one thing that is the hardest at this point in my life, when I feel for the first time truly ready for marriage.  And I believe that this is precisely why I am not yet as ready as I would like to believe.  I believe God is calling me to follow Him.  He has been for months now.  Part of following Jesus invariably means real, hard decisions that will cost me the things I value most.  Learning to value Jesus above all means giving all to Him. Really giving it to Him.

There is so much that seems to stand between me and surrender - mostly concerns about society and gender roles and how I fit into those things as a Christian.  And yet, all that is but a smoke screen.  God bids me to surrender those things, too.  He bids me surrender my need to know exactly what is right.  He bids me follow Him and learn from Him.  Not by reading or thinking or talking with my friends or retreating into myself, but by a simple following of Jesus.  Learning by example, and most of all by living out Christ's call.

And so...

God, I come before You and humbly thank You for the work You are doing in my life.  Thank You for loving me and for calling me to follow.  This prayer represents not a changed life or a changed heart.  That will come with time, as I learn to truly walk with You.  This prayer represents the beginning of a journey.  A hard journey of daily surrender.  Teach me, Father, to truly value You above all else.

Your will be done.

Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise

Today during a conversation with a dear friend I was reminded of the extreme difficulty of surrender.  It's one thing to give a situation or desire to God.  It's yet another to let Him keep it, to not take it back.

As of late, I'm learning that one the hard way.

It's incredibly hard to trust that God has my best in mind.  It's so easy to come up with reasons why I should step ahead of God, why I should take charge of my life.  Maybe God wants me to act.  Maybe my acting is part of His will.  Maybe I was wrong to step back in the first place.  The lies and excuses go on and on.

And at the heart of it is a basic refusal to follow Jesus, a rejection of His call, and a lack of faith in the God who has saved me.

I'm not sure how to fix this, at least practically speaking, because I know my desires won't just go away.  They're here to stay.  But I do believe that God requires that I follow Him, not my own desires.  This means real, hard self-denial.  It means that I find my peace and joy in the plan God has for me, not in plans I wish for myself.  It means I hold my life with an open hand, recognizing the utter lack of control that I have and giving myself wholly to His leading.  It means beginning every day with a prayer of surrender, and it means keeping that surrender close to my heart and mind every moment of every day.

To make a really tacky cultural reference, this requires nothing other constant vigilance.

Most of all, though, I need God and His strength to achieve whole surrender.  Without His Spirit, I will fall again and again.

Take my life and let it be
consecrated Lord to Thee.

i just wanna run

Sometimes it's all I can do to conjure up the desire to stay put.  Tonight I just wanna run.  I wanna run fast and far away from this place.  I want to leave behind the longing, the sadness, the hopelessness.  On nights like tonight I know there's only one cure for this ache.  Tonight my prayer is simple.  Jesus, take this from me.  Either fulfill my heart's desires or take them from me.  'Cuz I'm just a simple girl, and this is too big for me.  I know that you want to teach me to trust You, but I'm weak, so very weak.

Tonight it's all I can do to be still.

To know.

You are God.

following Christ

Tonight was such an interesting night.

1) I was pretty tired.  I don't know why, but I'm the sort of person who's tired all the time.  Maybe there's something wrong with me.

2) I went to church prepared for the first time in a while.  The last few weeks I've been just sort of showing up.

3) So many things converged to distract me from what God had laid on my heart this evening.

4) I had a waffle at the Waffle House and instantly woke up.  Funny how food can do that...

In spite of my wandering mind and heart of a cynic, I realized something.  Following God is only easy when there isn't anything standing in the way.  Right now it's hard for me to want to truly follow, because it would mean putting some other things about which I care so very much on the back burner.  So right now I'm following God distracted.  That knowledge made me sad tonight.  I want to want to follow.  And part of me does.  But I also want God to just give me those other things I want as well.

And it most certainly does not work like that.

a prayer

Heavenly Father,

How quickly I stray.  How quickly I become distracted, apathetic, and lazy.  How quickly I begin once more to lean on my own strength rather than looking to You.  How quickly I let my circumstances dictate my faith.

I'm sorry.

Today I pursue You, tomorrow I am as a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  Today I live in eager expectation that Your way is best, tomorrow I doubt that You have the best for me.

I've struggled with this my whole life.  Living on emotion.  Dying on emotion.  Trusting you at the high points and the low points, but never during the transitions.  When I moved to Washington, I left my emotional faith largely behind.  And now it's back.  I pray, though, that You will teach me the balance.  I want to love you with my heart AND my feet.  With my emotions AND my actions.

So here I am.  My life is Yours, my heart is Yours, my hands are Yours, my feet are Yours.

May I be wholly Yours.

Marilee

My heart and mind's all in a mess right now.

I want to write.  I want so badly to write.  I'm laying awake when I should be sleeping, wishing I could write.

And so I will try, although the truth of today is something that even I do not understand, nor want to.

What I do understand is that life is a mysterious thing.  A beautiful process of learning, loving, letting go, mourning and joyful laughter.  Learning contentment, learning to find joy in the small moments that take my breath away.

Because today was good.  Good in the far-above-mediocre-gift-from-God sort of way.

I think it maybe all took a turn for the beautiful when I found myself at the steering wheel of a boat.  Life's firsts are so exhilarating.  Today was filled with more than one first.  And I'm thankful.

what i mean when i say i am politically apathetic

So I realized something about myself today.

I don't think I could have a political opinion if I tried.

I don't really care if you're liberal or conservative, as long as you have an educated reason for your opinion.  As long as you genuinely want the best for the poor and hurting among us, as long as you take the time to research facts and consider all sides, I will respect your opinion.

I don't think there's a right answer.  I honestly do not.  In this complicated, messed up world, maybe the government needs to step in, or maybe the richer people need to step up with their private acts of charity.

Maybe both?

the river

She's a mess.  

If you look for her, really look for her, you probably won't find her, because she's hiding in a dark corner of her bedroom sobbing her eyes out.  Her attempts at reaching out have become more and more feeble, and although you see her every day, you never really see her.  Her smiling, bubbly self is only a wall that she puts up in an attempt to keep you out.  You see, the problem is, although you may want to help her if you knew how much she is hurting, she doesn't want your help.  It was you, after all, who is partly responsible for her tears.  Your callous disregard for her friendship sent her behind her wall and has her weeping as we speak.  It boils down to a lack of trust between you and her.  Because you could never trust her, she will never trust you.  

Or at least that is what she would like you to think.  

Really, quite honestly, one real conversation would send her wall tumbling down.  One reminder that she is loved would take away the pain of a thousand cold days.  

And she, also, is not without blame.  She allowed pain to become anger and that anger to build the wall behind which she now hides.  She has allowed you to be the enemy when there is nothing further from the truth.  

She is her own worst enemy.

There is, after all, a river.  

They say river has mysterious qualities.  It heals with but one swim.  If she'd but take a step into that river, all the brokenness and pain would be washed away.  But to get to the river's edge, she has to step out of her room, out of the shadows.  She needs help to make it to the river.  She cannot go alone, for she knows not the way.  Her pain has left her ashamed, and the crowds outside her room wait to taunt her brokenness.

She needs you to take her hand and lead her to the water.

I need to get better at this being alone thing.  For the love, I can't even handle two days of it.  To Yulee, FL I go...time to teach myself that "hanging out" alone can be fun.

And to think I thought I was an introvert...

Words have such incredible power - power to tear down and power to build up.  Yesterday I heard from an old friend and his kind words are still reverberating in my heart.

It makes me think...a lot. How often do I use language to remind those around me of their value and of the ways that they have blessed me?  So often I use my words in jest and to bring myself up.  Although joking around is fine and good, I pray that I will learn the balance.  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of how difficult it must be to be teased for one thing over and over and over again for one's whole life.  Even if the jesting is in fun, may I learn to be a blessing, not a discouragement to my friends.

The Single Perspective

Get ready for this one...it may be long and involved.

So, I'm one of those hopelessly single people.  And when I say hopelessly single I mean hopelessly single.  How I wish this wasn't true, I want nothing more than to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet and into the sunset and all that.  I understand that marriage is something to be valued and desired.

Here's the thing, though: I'm hopelessly single, if you didn't catch that above.  Although it could change some day (and oh how I hope that will be the case), it's getting on my nerves to be constantly told in various ways that my singlehood is preparation for marriage.  So, perhaps it is.  But, perhaps it isn't.  Isn't it a bit presumptuous to assume that just because I want to be married that God will just pull some strings so that I get married?  

I think that's absolutely ridiculous.

Here I am, trying so insanely hard to be content - trying in the midst of crushes and silent rejection and drama to honor God in the here and now.  Trying to give Him my whole heart and my whole life.  And it's very frustrating to hear again and again how wonderful marriage is.  Because I'm not there.  I might never be.

Yes, I know that you're very happy to be married.  I would be so blessed to be in your position.  God knows how much I want it.  But I'm single.  And this may be what God has for me.  I must learn to wait on Him.  I must learn to find contentment and joy in the place God has brought me.  I must learn to prepare myself to honor God with my whole life - no matter what form that takes.  I do not know, and neither do you, what God has for my future.  And so until then, I must recognize the inherent blessing that is the single life.  I must learn to appreciate the opportunities it brings, and I must learn to allow my loneliness to spur me to love my neighbor.  

Because at the end of the day, I think the Christian life is so much bigger than getting married, my 20s so much bigger than preparation for the day I'll walk down the aisle, assuming that day comes.  I think God calls me to love fully, to serve radically, and to dream big dreams.  

And so I will try to learn to follow Jesus in my singlehood, and even into my singlehood.  I don't know what is coming down the path, but I do know that Jesus honors and blesses single people just as he does those who marry, and that He even chooses some to remain single.  To be counted worthy of any service to my King is breath-taking.  May I live in the promise that God knows me and loves me and has the best for me.

on conversation

I hate small talk.  Always have.  I think the primary reason for that is that I find it to be a cheap imitation of the thing I value most in this life: real conversation.  Conversation, real conversation, is so important to me.  More than anything, I value talking.  I am not sure what all the love languages are, but talking is most definitely mine.  A good conversation can make my entire day.  A good conversation gives me hope, joy, and reminds me that someone values me enough to spend their time talking to me.

This isn't the case with everyone, though, which makes it hard.  I am pretty sure most people don't realize how much weight I put on the words that we exchange.  I will replay conversations, both good or bad, over and over again.  Most people show love in other ways.  It can be lonely sometimes when my way of showing love doesn't translate to others.

But know this: when I love you, I will cross the world and back to lay everything aside to talk to you.  I will give you my whole heart in one conversation.  It hurts the most of all when I realize later that you stole my heart and I left with not a single piece of yours.

Because here's the thing.  When I'm spending time talking to someone about real things of the heart, I feel alive.

God, forgive me.
I have forgotten You
In the midst of my day to day life
I have forgotten You
In my heartache
I have forgotten You
In my love for my neighbor.

It is not uncommon for me to become a bit over dramatic and let relatively little things ruin my day/week/month.  Today I was reminded of how entirely stupid that is when a coworker told me about the issues that she is facing in her personal life.  She's facing real problems, and here I am creating my own little internal dramas and acting like my internal strife is the end of the world.

God forgive me.

You Don't Even Want to Know

I wrote this some time ago...just found it on my computer now and thought I'd post it.

You don't even want to know how many times I was tempted to sell you down the river. 
How many times I convinced myself that this was all such a terrible idea,
how many times I considered jumping ship. 

You don't even want to know what a daily struggle it was to maintain joy. 
How difficult it was to value our friendship,
how soul-wrenching it was to love you. 

You don't even want to know how real were my emotions,
how all-encompassing,
the way they warped everything into a new reality.

A reality where you were the enemy.

It was moments like these that I used to run
Running is the easy way
the fresh-start, forget-about-it-all sort of way

This way, you're always here,
Always on my mind,
Forever on my heart.

Your joy is my pain,
Your fulfillment my emptiness
Your milestones my reminder.

And, really,
entirely honestly,
I wouldn't have it any other way.

I didn't vote in the election.  For many reasons, although those reasons are not here important.  Suffice it to say I don't know for certain who I would have voted for had I voted.  But one thing stands out to me.

The day after the election has been far more aggravating than the week leading up to it.

My Republican friends are in a state of complete and utter shock, anger, and depression.  Inappropriate and angry things are being said left and right.

And, I'm not gonna lie, it's starting to make me more than a little annoyed.  First it was funny to observe.  But that's wearing off.  And now, as I read and am depressed by all of my friends' ignorant comments and selfish fear, all I find myself thinking is this:

How would these people have responded had Romney won?  Elation?  Thanking God?  Confident hope that God has blessed America?  Because here's the thing...we're called to thank God in all circumstances.

My friends, some of them close friends, are closing their eyes and making blind accusations not backed by evidence.  They are reacting out of fear, ignorance, and even prejudice.  I've heard/read some crazy things, and it makes my heart hurt, both for Obama and for these people who live in fear that their world is going to come crashing around their feet if we start giving poor people free medical care.

And it's, quite frankly, not okay.

For those of us who call ourselves Christians, our kingdom is not of this world.  America is not the best, not the only, and not really even all that important.  What is important is the Kingdom of God, a kingdom that goes beyond this nation's borders to encompass people from the entire globe.  And that's what I stand for.

I wish I had a political opinion.  I really do.  But in many ways I'm glad I don't, because I am afraid I could very easily become this very person I describe.  A person living in fear, characterized by anger and a biting tongue, putting my hope for my future in the hands of one man whose name I wrote on a ballot.

God forgive us.

Life's challenges present themselves to me with a wide variety of emotions.  The stages are as follows:

1) shock
2) depression
3) anger
4) amusement

I'm currently at stage 4 with life's latest challenge.  It's pretty funny to be me right now.  Everything cracks me up.

as long as I shall live

The dark is always nearby, waiting to take me by storm.  It is a daily challenge, learning to lay my cares and my sorrows at the feet of Jesus and trust that His way is the best way.  

I’m reminded of a song I wrote in college based on a Psalm:

“I love the Lord,

For he heard my voice

He heard my cry for mercy

Because he turned his ear to me,

I will call on him 

I will call on him

As long as I shall live

As long as I shall live

I will call on him”

You are here.

Today is a new day.

I was reminded of this fact as I drove home from Jacksonville this morning accompanied by a beautiful sunrise.  The darkness has passed, if only for the next 11 or so hours, and it is day.  I smile with the hope of a new day.

I thought a little this morning about the ways that people deal with pain.  When I'm hurt, the way I see it, there are three different ways I could approach it:

1) Just be me.  This involves copious amounts of passive aggressiveness, making sure to let everyone know I'm hurting in ways that bring me attention.  And if not that, it means retreating into myself and trying to heal my heart on my own terms.  It means praying that God will fix things for me.  It involves loving those who love me and it involves a great deal of selfishness.

2) Set out to do things that will make me happy.  Live for myself in big, obvious ways.  Celebrate myself as a prime example of the best kind of human.  In all I do, whether kind or unkind, further myself.

3) Turn to God in all situations.  Love Him above all else, and trust Him above all else.  Find reasons to praise him no matter the day or the hour.  Give my life to Him minute by minute, always trusting that He knows best.  Death to myself.  Hard, painful, real death to my desires, hopes, and dreams.

I'm learning.  Slowly, but surely, I'm learning to follow God.  I'm learning to choose number three.  I'm learning what it means to trust, and how hard it truly is to do so.  I'm learning to put his ways above my own, or at least learning the extent of what that means, even if I don't implement it fully.  Always I will be learning, never in this life will the surrender be complete.  But every day it will be closer.

A couple months ago, in the midst of spiritual confusion and fear, I prayed that God would teach me what I must do to follow Him.  I prayed that He would lead me.  And He has answered my prayer in such a huge way, even if it totally sucks at times.

Today I will be thankful for that.  Forgive me, Father, for so quickly forgetting how much You love me.  May Your love for me saturate my life.  May it run over into all those forgotten places in my heart.  May you refine me by fire.  May I walk through the flames stronger because I walked through them in Your footsteps.

You are here.

surrender

I've been realizing how difficult it is to surrender.  How hopelessly impossible it is to give my life and everything that comes along with it to God.  Tonight all I could pray is that God would be so merciful as to teach me to surrender.  Surrender is painful, unpleasant, undesirable.  Surrender involves giving up my desires that God would have his way in my life.  Although I can easily admit I want God's way for me, it's harder to take the difficult steps to put that in motion, particularly when my emotions aren't catching up with me.

So tonight my prayer is simple:

God, forgive me.  Teach me to surrender.  Have your way in my heart and in my life.  I love You more than life, teach me to put those words into action, no matter how difficult.

Lord, today is Yours.  Teach me to love you and your law above all else.  Keep my eyes fixed on you.  May I learn to love as you have loved me.  Thank you for all the work you are doing in my heart.  I thank you that although growth is never easy, it's always, always worth it.  I thank you for the storm that rages because You are here.  And because You are here, I'd walk through this storm a thousand times.  You are gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love.  You are good to all, you have compassion on all that you have made.  As far as the east is from the west, that's how far you've cast my sin from me.

And always the call echoes:

"Follow me, my Daughter."

"I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
No turning back,
No turning back."

the day after a sleepless night

Today I'm learning to live with this new pain.  I remember all too well what it feels like to want to work because of the distraction it provides, I remember all too well what it feels like to be immersed in the mundane when suddenly the pain comes flooding back.  I remember all too well the struggle to smile for real again.  But I remember the joy that came when the pain had finally gone for the last time.  And it's for tomorrow that I hang on, knowing that today is only today.  Tomorrow is a new day.  New day will follow new day until the day I wake up free from pain.  That is the day I live for.  That is the day toward which I strive. 

In this pain, I also strive to love God and my neighbor more fully.  I strive to not allow myself to be buried in my pain, but to allow it to draw me closer to the Father.  Pain tends to draw me into myself.  I struggle to reach out because pain centers all my energy on healing my own heart.  But, God, You call me to love no matter the day and no matter my own pain.

Thank You, Father, for last Saturday night.  Thank You for this prayer you gave me when I had no idea of the storm waiting for me, and the strength it provides me today, strength that I so desperately need, strength that only You have:

"Lord, thank You that your love covers me.  Thank you that if I will have but faith the size of a mustard seed you will move mountains.  You have already moved mountains in my life and I thank you that you will continue to do so.  You are a God whose love never ends.  Show me a glimpse of Your love.  Not in a mushy gushy way but in a way that changes, convicts, draws us to give our very lives over to death that You may be glorified."

So today I am thankful.  Thankful for a God who holds me.  Thankful that my worth is found no where else but in Him, so incredibly thankful that no matter the pain, my God is big enough.

when i'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely

Some days there's nothing left to do but laugh and be thankful that tomorrow's a new day.

Today was one of those days.

It stunk.  In probably every way possible, except that nothing went wrong, exactly.  It was just...terrible.

By the end of the day, I was drained - exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I was sick of the fake smile, sick of my lack of appetite, sick of feeling sad.  I got home, called a friend, and as I recounted the day to her, all I could think was how ridiculously great it'd be as a movie, and how ridiculously ironic some of its moments were.  I laughed, a lot.  And then yawned.

I'm tired thinking about today, and I'm tired thinking about the future, knowing that it many ways it'll only remain difficult.  I am thankful, though, that each day is a new day.  I'm thankful for the song "Tomorrow" from Annie.  I'm thankful for pita bread and hummus.  I'm thankful for a barrier island just off the Atlantic Coast that affords me the daily opportunity to leave my cares behind.  And I'm thankful for amazing friends who care so much about me and lift me up in prayer.  It's only because I trust my God is a big God and because I know people who love me are praying that I persevere, thankful for the place God has put me.

thoughts inspired by a caramel latte

Tonight someone said something interesting.  She, like me, is from the Great Plains, and one thing she misses about the Midwest is the ability to see for miles.  She said the South can feel isolating, because all one can see are trees.

I suppose it's true in some ways.  I don't miss the wide open spaces all that much, mostly because of my couple years in Bellingham compounded with my fundamental dislike for all things Midwest (except the lovely people there, of course).  However, I do know what she meant.  Rural Georgia can be overwhelming in its isolation sometimes.  We're in a forest, and there are a few stores and restaurants, but the longer you're here, the smaller it all feels.  Like going to college in Orange City, Iowa, really.  I guess I've had practice at this sort of thing.

So tonight I met some friends in Fernandina Beach, Florida.  It was so nice to drive different roads and see different things.  It was nice to feel free again.  And, best of all, there's a Starbucks in Florida (well, more than one, I suppose).  Naturally, on the way home, I stopped.  How could I not?  This was my first Starbucks since August.

After getting my coffee, I had a 30 minute drive back to rural Georgia during which to think.

Starbucks reminds and probably always will remind me of Bellingham.  It brings back memories of walks down beautiful trails to the Starbucks a few blocks from my house.  It brings back memories of way too many coffees on campus.  It brings back memories of those two years that changed me forever.  It reminds me of the people I left behind, the people who I will always fondly remember, the people who took me under their wing and loved me unconditionally.

I'm a different person now than I was a few months ago.  The person who left Bellingham was a person who had come of age, a person who had found her wings.  The person who left Bellingham was heartbroken to leave the place that had represented some of the happiest years of her life.  That wasn't all, though.  The person who left Bellingham was, although confident in the tenets of her faith, disconnected from a relationship with the God in whom she claimed to believe.  The person who left Bellingham was deeply cynical about so many things.  The person who left Bellingham had allowed herself to stop following Jesus in favor of an intellectual exercise that allowed her to convince herself she was believing the right thing, and that believing was enough.  The person who left Bellingham was lost.

Georgia wasn't always an easy transition.  God was gracious to me, though, providing me with friends I connected with on a deep level the very first time we hung out three days after I arrived here.  God was also gracious to me in providing me with a job that I loved enough to sustain me through the uncertainties of life in a place so far removed from the place I had come to call home.

And God started to change my heart.

A couple months ago, one of my best friends from back home and I started reading The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer together.  I remember reading that first chapter and being so convicted. I remember agonizing over my life and my priorities, wondering what following Jesus even looked like and how to go about doing such a thing.  And then God started throwing similar themes at me left and right.  Sermons, articles, conversations with friends all pointed me toward the question of discipleship and what it means to truly follow Christ.  Somewhere along the line I stopped reading The Cost of Discipleship.  It came due at the library, and I had it through interlibrary loan, so I had to wait a couple weeks to get it back. When I picked it back up again a week or two ago, I realized how much had changed in my heart from when I first started reading it.

It is truly a testament to the call of Christ when I begin to take note of all the ways that God has transformed my heart and the way I think.  A couple months ago I'd come home from work and proceed to spend the rest of the night watching TV on netflix.  I don't really do that anymore.  TV lost its luster somewhere along the way.  A month ago I was getting caught up in work drama, allowing myself to be angry about this, that, and the other thing.  A month ago I was agonizing over the disconnect between the Bible I read and the life I was living.

And I most certainly don't have anything figured out.  But I can truly say that God has been transforming me and it is one of the most incredible things ever.  I remember struggling for years with the role of emotion in worship.  That struggle is gone, now, because my relationship with God is actually back, making the question of whether I should be emotional or not while at church completely and utterly a moot point.  I remember struggling with theological questions as if the answers to those questions was life or death.  I remember the thirst I had for God and the way I attempted to satisfy that thirst with academics and theology rather than with God Himself.

And then God brought me to this place.  This terribly ugly, humid, God-forsaken (but really not at all) place where nothing but mosquitos live.  And He gave me new life.

Yeah, God is good.

He is gracious and compassionate.

My cup runneth over.

sad days

Ya know, life can be downright hard sometimes.  It's a constant battle not to give into utter frustration.  Little things that shouldn't matter add up to major internal battles.  I war with myself, with God, with my emotions. I wonder if I should change something about myself, or if I simply need to give my cares to God.  I'm trying to be strong, trying to be confident, but sometimes that's difficult.  It's a beautiful but very hard thing to move somewhere far from home and the support system I had there.  It's hard to be so very alone and know there's really no hope of that changing in the foreseeable future.  It's hard to battle between my identity as a Christian and the crap that is thrown at me left and right from the culture around me.  It's hard to wrestle with my identity, to figure out what God would have me be.  It's hard to boldly follow Jesus into those places where I have no control.  Incredibly hard.

So I'm just hanging on.  Day by day.  If not tomorrow, certainly the next will be better.  Certainly life won't always feel this desperate, this sad.  Certainly God is faithful, and certainly He knows what He's doing with my life.  I'm trusting He's big enough to deal with my flaws and failures.  Because He is.  I serve an amazing God.

surrender

That thing that keeps me from focusing on God fully is the thing that I most enjoy about my new life here in Georgia.

That’s hard to face.

And also hard to know what to do about, because it’s so beyond my control, living in the realm of emotion.  How do I give a desire to God?  Desire seems so beyond my control.  I can ask God to change my desires…but to be honest, that’s so scary to do.  Holding onto my desires is too easy and too fun.  To let go is to face the empty void once more of a life out of my control.

What sort of change of mind is required to surrender all?  I do know that it will require a constant re-surrendering.  But I need to do so, because at the moment I cannot let anything stand in the way of relentless pursuit of Christ.

God, I give You my desires, my most deeply held wishes and dreams.  I give you my hopes, my plans, all those things to which I am constantly looking forward.  I give it all to You, and I trust You with my heart and with my life.  I trust You to give me the best kind of life, a life that is at the center of Your will.  I trust that You will be there for me when it’s hard, when it’s lonely, and when I question what on earth You’re doing with me.  

The hardest part, God, is that desire is so all-encompassing.  Even in giving this to You, I find myself secretly hoping that giving this to You will mean You’ll give it back.  And in that insidious hope, the truth is exposed; I’m not surrendering a thing.  

Please know, God, that when I say I am surrendering, I am committing to a daily surrender.  I am committing to You no matter the cost.  Yes, I may not be perfect in my surrender, but I surrender to You the right to my future.  My future is Yours.

random thoughts

1.  bittersweet is mostly sweet and mostly bitter at the same time.  bitter because of the ache in my heart, sweet because that ache reminds me of the blessing.  at times the bitter outweighs the sweet, at other times the sweet outweighs the bitter.  but always the sweet makes the bitter worth it.  and the bitter only reinforces the sweet.

2.  i don't know how to process the fact that i no longer desperately long to return to washington.  i love washington, but i don't believe i want to return anymore.  this is both really sad and really happy.  i'm beginning to see washington for what it ended up being - a season of life that taught me a lot, but that needed to end when it did.  i'm thankful for what God has done in my life as a result of my change in geographical location.

3.  one of the things God has really been impressing on my heart lately is my need to pursue Him.  and it's extremely difficult to do.  it's easy to get emotional and long for God.  it's another to actually follow through in my pursuit of Him.  it's easy to make a commitment to this or that, another thing entirely to actually keep my commitment.  i want to serve others out of love for God, not out of a sense of guilt or obligation.  i want my service to flow from a heart that is deeply in love with God, not from a heart that only gives love to receive it in return.  i want my love to flow freely, reaching the lovable and the unlovable alike.  i want to love God in such a way that my love for others flows naturally and from Him.  i want to decrease so that He may increase.

4.  i'm a musician.  but i'm not just that; i'm so much more.  one of the greatest blessings here in Georgia has been being surrounded people with a strong love for music and a great deal of musical talent, because I'm able to stand back a little bit.  this has obviously happened before, but always before I was in a position (either willingly or not) where I stood (or attempted to stand) in the limelight.  at times i was defined by my musical ability.  people knew me as the soloist, or as the piano player, or as the trumpet player.  the biggest problem is that music was thrust on me from an early age.   although i certainly have always had certain proclivities for music, i wasn't ever really allowed the option to not be a musician.  the result is that i don't know how to not be "the musician."  maybe that's why i love my identity at work so much.  there i'm the tour guide.  they know i can play the piano, because they've heard me play at the mansion.  but i'm not defined by my musical abilities, but by my status as a north end tour van driver.  that's so nice.  i love being able to just be for a while.  maybe one day i'll want to be on a worship team again, or be "the piano player."  but for now, i'm letting myself (as much as is possible) not be the piano player.  and it's freeing.  it's nice to not be mistaken as a music major, and it's nice to not have to sell my soul to music for a scholarship.  music is how i express myself, it is often one of the ways I serve God, but it is not my primary interest in life.  and i think i'm finally achieving a life where that is the case.

"You are making me new"

I spend a lot of time concerned with the way I appear to other people.  Depending on the day, I wish I were stronger, more talented, less opinionated, or more feminine.  You name it, I probably have wished it about myself.  You see, I spend a lot of time thinking about what could be, if only I were different.  I spend a lot of time thinking about how to fix the wrong things, how to capitalize on the tolerable things.  I think about "me" all the time and it's a losing battle.  I can't fix me.  I'm hopelessly flawed, both in terms of things I could theoretically fix and things over which I have no control.

I spent the last two years getting a masters in history.  The constant research and being surrounded 24/7 by academia left my faith very academic in nature.  After graduation, I moved about as far away geographically and culturally as possible, and it was a rough transition for a while.  I found it so difficult to relate to other Christians.  I spent quite a bit of time reading theological stuff, trying to transition into a life not characterized by academia.  I read "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer toward the end of the summer.  Bonhoeffer really convicted me because he talked about the cost of following Christ, and the need for a conscious decision to die to oneself in following.  I didn't know how to handle it, because I feel as if my work life runs separate from my personal life.  I don't know how to mesh my faith into all areas of my life.  I asked God to show me the way to follow Him, though.

I think He's answering my prayer.  He's lined up so many things in the past few weeks - an accountability partner, random books that I have come across all on that same topic of following Christ in a real sort of way and what that means practically (namely "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan), and a sermon video last night at church by John Piper that talked about what it means to follow Christ.

What if I stopped living life so focused on me?  What if my heart's cry became God and His glory rather than my own?

What I've come away with is this:

1) what I think about myself matters very little.  My intelligence, attractiveness, or personality traits matter very little because God created me as I am.  I am here for God.
2) following Jesus involves learning to love God.  Like, really love God.  Desire him more than all else.  I need to actively cultivate a relationship with Christ.  It's not okay to simply believe certain things or try to do certain things.  All of it is empty and futile without a relationship with God.  This seems so basic, but it's something I have all but walked away from in my pursuit of academic answers.
3) following Jesus involves making much of God.  It involves practical decisions about my life, my job, my finances, my family, my everything.  Everything needs to be centered around my relationship with God and making Him known.

Only then will I be truly following Christ.

emotions

I'm not always sure what to do with emotion.  It takes me by storm, reminds me of those things I suppress somewhere deep inside me most days.  Reminds me that I'm not so very strong, not so very brave, and not so very self-sufficient.  Emotion reminds me of my susceptibility, of my vulnerability, of my very humanity.  Emotion, that intangible quality that defines most if not all aspects of my life blurs my focus, clouds my vision, and disorients me.  

Emotion often takes the place of reality.  When I feel something, it doesn't need to be real, because perception is reality.  When emotion defines me and the way I perceive my relationships with others, life becomes very empty indeed.  Emotion is that thing which fuels affection and connection, but it also threatens to replace those very affections and connections.  Unchecked, emotion becomes a wild weed that drowns out everything it touches.  

Once this has happened, I come to depend on emotion.  Emotion is not only a drug, it becomes the only connection I have to the world, my friends, and to God.  Emotion keeps me from the concrete reality, keeps me from action, blinds me to the reality of my immobility.  Emotion deceives me; I feel alive, but am never so far from it as I am when overcome with emotion.

Unchecked, emotion destroys.  

the sound of music

Anytime music plays, it stirs up powerful emotions in me.  I often don't know what to do with the depth of heart ache, joy, or longing that may come as a result of simply hearing a song.  This is compounded by the fact that after 9 pm I become a hermit and extremely introspective.  It is as if the pressures of the day leave me in a place where it's all I can do to maintain politeness.  

Tonight my friends and I went to the beach.

It was so beautiful.  So. freaking. beautiful.  The moon was out, and you could see almost as if it was day.  The waves were so strong.  That's what I love most about the ocean, I think - the power of the water.  It is so vast, so beautiful, and so powerful.  It reminds me of God every time I see it.

Compounding my post-9 pm self with my I-just-listened-to-music-for-45-minutes-in-the-car self with my I'm-outside-on-a-beautiful-beach self left me in a weird mood to say the least.

I hung out with the group for a while, and then I headed away for a bit to just sit and look at the stars.  That was really what I came to do anyway.  See the stars. I miss being able to go outside and have stars and peace and quiet and just wild beauty at my disposal.  (for that one reason, and that reason only, I miss the farm)  

So I withdrew, spread out my beach towel, and laid in the light of the moon.  

And I started singing.  Old songs from growing up in a church where the hymn book reigned and "Shine Jesus Shine" was a "praise song."  I sang "Majesty" and "I Love You, Lord," and "Sanctuary."  I sang "Create in me a Clean Heart."  I just laid there and looked up at the moon as the surf crashed into the sand, over and over again. And I felt peace restored.  Life found its rhythm again.  In that moment, all was well.  

Sometimes I forget the power of my upbringing.  I forget the blessing of being a farm girl, and I forget the blessing of growing up in a church a bit "behind the times."  I get caught up in my new urban life, and I forget the power of a simpler life populated with corn stalks and baby lambs.  I forget the faith of my youth in favor of a always changing academic faith that allows me to leave my relationship with God on the back burner.

But tonight, in the emotion of entirely arbitrary songs accompanied by chords that never fail to take my breath away just by their sheer power, in the thundering silence of the ocean, in the joyful sound of laughter, in the radiant light of the moon on a sandy beach, I remembered who I am.

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.

a story and a question

Tonight I attended a new church. I knew at least half of the people in attendance; they are my bible study group. For that reason I felt like I had come home. The people I love most here in my new home were surrounding me, and it felt like family transplanted to a new building.

The service (or "experience" as they call it) was not my style, which is not at all to knock what they do there, just to state that my church background is very different in terms of music and the service itself. The music was sorta weird (very loud and one song was all about dancing - I DON'T DANCE) and there was tons of pressure to clap (I DON'T CLAP). They even handed out ear plugs. They had bright lights that they had pointed at the crowd, and they'd flash them in time to the music. I felt like I was being watched, but only for a half second at a time every second.  I felt out of my element - awkward and distracted.  I couldn't read my Bible, I couldn't journal, two things that I love to do during worship time.  I was stuck standing in a dark room with flashing bright lights and crazy music.

The point of this, though, is not how much I didn't relate to the worship style.  In fact, in the final analysis, I can fully appreciate the fact that I didn't identify with the worship style.  You see, I've been struggling with so many things related to my faith lately.  Wading through a lot of questions about what it means to follow Jesus - truly FOLLOW Him, not just pray a prayer and believe a creed.  I've been wondering if I even know what discipleship really means, and I've been wondering if I have what it takes to die to myself.  I've basically, in a nut shell, been questioning my salvation.  I've somewhat lost the ability to emotionally connect with God (although I've been that way for years now, if I'm to be completely honest).  Prayer is a gigantic effort for me, because I don't feel like God's listening.  Or anyone, for that matter.

It would have been way too easy to put those questions aside if I had related to the worship style.  I could have let myself go into "worship mode" (whatever that even means) and feel the emotions of souring melody lines and soulful piano.  It would have been great, but I wouldn't have been faced with the glaringly obvious truth that confronted me tonight: I am a failure at the pious part of being a Christian.  Sure, I read my Bible most every day.  Sure, I don't swear.   Sure, I go to Bible study every week.  But sometimes it feels like my relationship with God is so very distant.

I was writing in my journal just this morning, in fact; wondering how it is I am supposed to go about following Jesus.  What does He call me to?  How am I to know his voice among all the voices?  I realized this morning that I can relate so well to Peter.  He follows Jesus around for years, and then as Jesus is on trial, Peter splits.  Denies even knowing Jesus.  Can't back up his relationship with Jesus with real action.

Tonight the pastors of the church gave their testimonies.  The first pastor talked about how at one point in his life he had felt like Peter.  At this point in his story, I knew that this was meant for me.  Because it's so true.  I deny Jesus, and yet Jesus calls me to follow him.  Peter's denial of Jesus wasn't the end of the story.

I feel like I'm sort of treading water in life right now.  Holding onto my faith, reading my Bible every day, but never really going anywhere.  I'm not really letting the Bible saturate my soul.  It leaks in here and there but for the most part I just quickly skim a chapter a day so I can feel like I'm being somewhat of a good Christian.

I have to believe that if I truly pursue God, He will change my heart, and more importantly to me at this point in my life, He will change my actions.  I have to believe that if I get to know the Word of God, it will transform me from the inside out.  I have to believe that, because the alternative is a life where I desperately attempt to do good in a vain attempt to please God and earn my salvation.

If you would like to do some sort of in depth Bible study with me, either in person or over skype, let me know.  I can't do this alone.  I know myself too well, and I know that I will fall back into reading simply to read.  I basically really need an accountability partner or two.  I would also love to memorize Scripture with someone, if anyone is interested in that.  I would ask people individually, but I want this to be something you want just as much as I do.  So I'll just post a link to my blog and let you come to me if this is something you're interested in.  Please do.  

following Christ

The last week or so has been difficult.  I’ve been fighting back despair and depression, trying so desperately to not let the darkness overtake me.  I want to be happy and live a joyful life, but sometimes that seems so impossible.

I thought maybe it was the move.  In some ways that is probably part of it.  There’s something so invigorating about stepping outside in a place you love.

I thought maybe it was the lack of purpose in life without homework taking up at least a small place in my mind at all times.  And that’s probably part of it.  There’s something so scary about a life where I come home from work with nothing that I need to do.

More than either of those things, though, I think I’m sad because I feel like I’m not really following Jesus.

Growing up, I had times of doubt.  I would wonder if the Bible was really true, or if God really did love me.  Stuff like that.  In college, I doubted the whole existence of God.  I wrestled with the role of emotion in worship.  I worked through all of that and finally came back to a place of mental equilibrium.

The thing is, I’ve been reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and he writes to a place in my soul that I had never really fully visited before: the place that is afraid to take the leap.

He writes in Ethics: “‘Judge not, that ye be not judged’ (Matt. 7.1). This is not an exhortation to prudence and forbearance in passing judgement on one’s fellow-men, such as was also recognized by the Pharisees.  It is a blow struck at the heart of the man who knows good and evil.  It is the word of Him who speaks by virtue of his unity with God, who came not to condemn but to save (John 3.17).  For man in the state of disunion good consists in passing judgement, and the ultimate criterion is man himself.  Knowing good and evil, man is essentially a judge.  As a judge he is like God, except that every judgement he delivers falls back upon himself.  In attacking man as a judge Jesus is demanding the conversion of his entire being, and He shows that precisely in the extreme realization of his good he is ungodly and a sinner.  Jesus demands that the knowledge of good and evil be overcome; He demands unity with God.  Judgement passed on another man always presupposes disunion with him; it is an obstacle to action.  But the good of which Jesus speaks consists entirely in action and not in judgement.” (34)

It’s so easy to read books, to make judgments between good and evil.  It’s so easy to make academic attempts at morality.  God calls me to follow, though.  He calls me to action.  To death to myself.  To make a clean break with the former me and to simply follow.

I know how to be religious.  I know the right words, I know the songs, and I know the prayers.  What I am no longer so sure I know, however, is how to follow.

I’m realizing more and more how little good a prayer prayed is, how little good a religious upbringing is, how little good good intentions do.

Without death, it’s all an exercise in futility.