Wednesday, July 27, 2011

waiting for a sign

Two nights ago, I was so mad at God. Sometimes it feels like the emotional side of my faith is just drying up, and that day I had had one too many people talk to me about their encounters with God. I've never heard God's voice, never got an indisputable sign that God wants me to do something or even that He is there. I've never seen a miracle, never spoken in tongues, or even seen someone I know personally (and who I trust is not just making it up) speak in tongues, never had a dream that came true (unless you count that time in Mexico where I dreamed they would fill the pool up before we left and it happened). None of that.

As I walked home from campus Monday night, I was so mad. Almost ready to throw in the towel. At least ready to vent my frustration to God. For so long I've been struggling to figure out what it means for me to be a Christian in this world where God is so silent and seemingly absent. I started begging God for a sign He was there. Stuff like "let the next car that passes be red." Of course, my success rate with said God rearranging the cars' colors was minimal. I did see a bunch of red and white cars (the colors I was alternating between), but nowhere near 100% success. Plus...red and white cars aren't exactly rare.

I figured God wouldn't honor my selfish request to suddenly gain the ability to foretell the colors of cars. I mean...really...does it get any more immature and childish than that?

I went home and read my Bible. What else do you do when you're looking for a sign that everything you believe and build your life around isn't just some farce? I read Psalm 51, among others. And I was reminded of what I've been thinking about lately - "my iniquity has separated me from my God." I begged God to show me my sin.

I honestly think that's a large part of God's silence in this world. It started in the Garden of Eden all those years ago - God walked with them in the garden, and when they sinned, it was all ruined.

I went to bed still kinda ticked off at God.

I dreamed about Hidden Acres, the bible camp at which I used to counsel. Nothing prophetic, unless Hidden Acres has become as terrible as my dream, which I'm pretty sure isn't the case.

I woke up still ticked off. Mostly just sad, though. Sad because I felt like everything was falling apart again - my house of cards that is my faith was crumbling.

I went to work...forgot all about it for 9 hours.

I came home, and read a chapter out of 1 Samuel, which is where I am in my read-through-the-Bible-in-however-long-it-takes-me quest. It was the story of Jonathan and his armor bearer. Jonathan asked God to show them a sign whether they were supposed to attack the Philistines or not. They got a "yes" answer and attacked and killed a bunch of the bad guys.

It occurred to me that a) Jonathan was asking in faith, not in doubt. b) Jonathan's "sign" revolved around him taking a step of faith - "If you say go, I'll go, Lord, no matter the cost."

Maybe that's when we really experience God. When we take that leap of faith, do that impossible thing, trusting that God will provide.

Friday, July 22, 2011

separation

About three and a half years ago, God placed a few chapters in Isaiah and a chapter in Lamentations on my heart. Those chapters have never left me. A song I'm working on writing that is based on those chapters has been "in progress" for the past three and a half years. The chapters are Isaiah 59-61 and Lamentations 3. The "lyrics" are as follows:

My iniquity has separated me from my God
So that He will not hear
He will not hear.
We look for light,
but all is darkness.
We look for brightness,
But walk in deep shadows.

There has been more added here and there, but that is the core that has never left me. I keep wanting to "finish" the song, to add something of Isaiah 60 and 61, to put hope into hopelessness. And I've never been able to do it.

Many times songs I write document my personal spiritual journey, and I have been viewing this song as such for the past few years - I figured the end would come when I was ready. And perhaps it will - I'll leave that up to God.

And yet, that song has provided such definition and clarity to my life. Isaiah 59:2 - "But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God. And your sins have hidden His face from you so that He does not hear."

So often I have felt like this describes my life perfectly. I want to rant, rail, and scream at God for his silence, for the separation I so acutely feel. I try to be brave, to be pious so that I can somehow feel close to Him, and yet He is so silent, so distant. I want to blame Him; from one perspective it seems like an open and closed case for my insanity for ever even believing in a God who loves me.

And in those moments, I am brought back to Isaiah 59:2. My iniquities have made a separation between me and my God, and my sins have hidden His face from me so that He does not hear. And, crazily enough, that is where I find my grounding in this insane world that seems to scream out with the absence of God. Isaiah 59:9-10a - "Therefore justice is far from us, and righteousness does not overtake us; We hope for light, but behold, darkness, for brightness, but we walk in gloom. We grope along the wall like blind men..."

There have been moments in my life where I have glimpsed God, glimpsed His glory, His holiness. There have been moments where I thought I could burst from joy at the presence of God.

Most of the time, though, God is so very silent. So very absent.

And yet, there's hope. Isaiah 59:16,19-20 - "And He saw that there was no man, and was astonished that there was no one to intercede; Then His own arm brought salvation to Him, and His righteousness upheld Him. So they will fear the name of the Lord from the west and His glory from the rising of the sun, for He will come like a rushing stream which the wind of the Lord drives. A Redeemer will come to Zion, and to those who turn from transgression in Jacob..."

My sin leaves me crippled, blind, and far from God. And yet, that distance is nothing to an Almighty, compassionate, good God who loves me enough to send a Redeemer.

Thank You, God, for Your indescribable mercy.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

writing without inspiration

Sometimes I think one of the most annoying things about writing is that profundity comes and goes. Or at least inspiration does - I'm not sure that I'm ever truly profound. Music helps, but if there's nothing in my head, it's very hard to manufacture something. Right now is the hardest time, because I really want to write, but have no specific inspiration. So I'm going try to write without knowing what's going to come next.

Last night I went to bible study a few minutes early to play piano for a while. As I was playing, I realized how much I miss the chapel from college - I miss that massive room that so often stood empty. I miss the opportunity to play that massive, beautiful grand piano whenever I wanted. I miss running down the sloping aisle to the stage. I miss the way sound filled the room, the way I could play and sing and my lack of talent didn't matter, because somehow, someway, beautiful sound filled the room.

For the most part, I don't miss college anymore. I actually look back with somewhat mixed emotions about everything that happened there. I'm no longer convinced that "your college years are the best years of your life." It was what it was, and there were so many parts of it that I wouldn't trade for the world. And there was a period of time (months and months) that I missed college intensely. But I don't really anymore. I'm just too happy here to wallow in a iffy past.

Last night as I drove back from church, I was listening to some focus on the family radio broadcast*** [see note below for a random rant on this subject] that talked about moving. Despite the content of said broadcast, the very fact that they were talking about moving made me reflect on my own experience moving out here. And I realized something.

I'm only here for two years. One more, in fact, and I may very well be gone to some new adventure. And in many ways I'm still the new kid on the block. For so long I've held onto a sort of guilt for moving out here. I felt bad for leaving my family, my friends. So many people tell me they miss me and that they wish I'd move back home. So many others hint to that effect. And I don't want to live with that mindset anymore. I want to live fully in the present. I want to embrace each moment, because these moments are truly so fleeting. Lots of people move, and I'm just one of many. I want to stop feeling bad that I'm out here and that a lot of people I love are "there." I'm here, and I absolutely LOVE here.

One of my favorite things about this summer has been the opportunity to travel. I haven't gone on any insane road trips yet, but I have been trying to intentionally embrace this place. Work isn't giving me a lot of hours, and I could wallow in financial woes and worry about that, but I refuse to give into that sort of thing. I believe God has given me this summer to enjoy life. To fully LIVE here...to let go of my need to make a lot of money just so I can hide it under a rock (or in the bank). I want to use the rest of my time to live fully in the here and now. Sure, I miss people from back home, and I am not by any means letting go of those relationships. I want to hold onto as many friendships as possible, because I was so blessed with so many great friends in college. And yet, if I am truly to live here, I must embrace my new identity as a Northwesterner (regionally speaking), even if it is only for another year.

***Okay, seriously, I know Focus on the Family's point is "family." But it's so frustrating for me as a single twenties-something woman to turn on the radio from 9-11 pm and hear without fail another radio broadcast about parenting or raising teens. I understand that most people have kids and are all about that. But just once in a while it'd be great to turn on the radio and be able to relate. Another example of how I am increasingly feeling like I don't fit because I'm hopelessly single (and loving it, just for the record). Also, since when is it some sort of scientific fact that women are the only ones who are emotional about moving? Seriously, Focus, can you for one moment stop generalizing? First of all, I am a woman, and I did not have a husband who told me we were going to move to my emotional chagrin. Second of all, I LOVE moving. Thank you very much.

Monday, July 11, 2011

dear customer, sincerely me.

I don't think I'll ever look at a clothing store the same way again. Following is a (somewhat passive-aggressive) list of things I'd like to tell my (wonderful, I promise) customers. I'm preaching to the choir...although I hope I wasn't ever as bad as some people I encounter.

1) If you unfold it, at least make a semblance of an effort to put it back in its place in a somewhat folded manner. And, if you don't, at least don't unfold the entire table.

2) Yes, I work here, and, no, I don't know a thing about any of the merchandise besides (if you're lucky) the location and price. So don't ask me which stroller is the best or what size shirt your child is. Just because I'm a female does not mean that I have had children or know everything there is about rearing one. Because I know next to nothing.

3) I'm not invisible, just like you're not blind. Yes, I work here and, no, I don't intend to make a career out of it. And even if I did find my life's work here, I'm still not invisible. I promise. I have a life outside of this store.

4) Some of y'alls' kids are hilarious. Some of them make me want to never, ever, EVER have children. In any case, child-who-had-a-lengthy-conversation-with-your-father-about-whether-or-not-the-fire-breathing-dragon-toy-could-actually-breathe-real-fire, you made my day. Thanks for the laugh. :)

5) Dear customers, please, please, pretty please, do not open the boxes without asking me to help. And in no circumstances is it EVER okay to set up an entire playpen-bassinet set in the aisle. Look at the picture on the box. Or, have you ever heard of returns? If you do feel some intense need to set up the play-pen in the aisle, either (worst case scenario) make some semblance of an effort to take it down and put it back in the box, or (best case scenario) BUY THE PLAY PEN afterwards. Do you realize that now no one will EVER buy that play pen, and we'll have to put up with an opened/ripped box for weeks and weeks? And that now every customer who walks through will feel as if they are licensed to repeat your rude actions? Although I appreciate the experience in collapsing children's equipment, I don't appreciate it THAT much. Who needs to know that anyway? Especially me. I don't have kids, remember?

6) For those of you who feel the need to open the underwear bags, may I remind you that no one will buy an opened underwear bag, but I still have to tape it up and put it back on the shelf? Also, for those of you who open the underwear bags and steal one or two out of each, you are despicable.

7) Dear customer who felt the need to leave a box of nerds on a clothing shelf with a hole on the bottom that then spilled all over everything when I tried to pick it up, there are no words.

8) Who opens a candy bar in the store, eats half of it, and then sets it on a shelf? Not only is that shop-lifting, but it's ridiculous. If you're going to steal it, eat the whole candy bar.

9) To those rare but beautiful customers to whom these messages do not apply in the slightest, you are wonderful. Thank you for making me feel human.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

bravery

You know, it's funny. I opened this window to write this blog post, and simultaneously Pandora introduced me to a song called "Forgive Yourself" by Downhere. Downhere is one of my favorite bands, but I had not heard this song before. The title pretty much defines the song's content, and it also describes one of the things I've been thinking about lately.

I hold myself to such impossibly high standards, and every time I fail, it costs me so much emotionally. I don't usually hold grudges, and am willing to forgive almost anyone who has failed me, but I am almost never willing to forgive myself. I don't know if it's a pride thing, or what, but I will find myself beating myself up for little things months and years later, little things like letting someone else pick up the bill at a restaurant or failing to talk to someone about my faith. I usually blame myself for everything, even if someone else was at fault. I want so badly to see the good in everyone around me that I take the fall for everything. Well this makes it easy for me to move past the mistakes of others, it makes it impossible for me to move past my own mistakes. I wallow in the past, in regret, wishing I had done things differently - that I had spoken rather than remaining silent, or that I had taken action instead of letting the moment pass.

I am not brave. When I imagine myself, imagine the future, imagine the way things could be, I see myself as someone who I utterly fail to be in reality. My desperation to be loved and appreciated by those around me leaves me paralyzed to action out of fear that my action will push those around me away. I have a vision, but allow it to be compromised out of fear that my acting it out will result in my ostracization. I am insanely passionate about something, but if I pursue it, I do so half-heartedly, and with constant compromise to the way that others involved are accustomed to doing things, instead of passionately pursuing the gift, experience, and vision God has given me. This is repeated over and over in my life. Sometimes it works out, and always time passes and the opportunity for action on my part slips away. I rationalize my failure by telling myself that it just wasn't the time or place.

What could be if I were brave? How would God use me if I were willing to step out in faith and keep my eyes fixed on Him rather than on those around me? How long is it going to be until I stop using my lack of bravery as an excuse to not full-heartedly serve my Lord? How long will I wallow in self-pity, refusing to forgive myself for things for which my Savior paid the price so many years ago? How long will I allow my insecurities to stand in the way of following Christ? He said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24) Oh, that I would only heed His call and follow.

I am not brave, I am not strong. I am not confident, I lack so much. And yet, just as God used Moses even when he did not feel at all up to the task, He will use me. Oh, that I would embrace His calling and those He sends to help me... to God be all the glory for the ways He uses little me for His kingdom.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

good in every sense

I remember distinctly a moment early in my college career when I realized that life was inherently painful. I remember feeling so hopeless, so misunderstood. I remember realizing that life was inherently lonely, inherently painful.

College lived up to those expectations. Sure, there were great moments, and I loved college and the friends I made there. But college was emotionally costly for me in fundamental ways. I suppose I grew up there...

I left college jaded, thinking the best, most joyful moments of life were behind me - maybe hidden somewhere in childhood or freshman year.

Moving to Washington changed everything for me. Although it hasn't always been perfect, my time here has been the most consistently happy time that I can recall in my entire life. Sure, emotions change as always...and yet, I love it here in every sense of the word. God has blessed me so abundantly; He has given me so much. I do miss home and the people there, but I wouldn't trade this place and these people for the world.

Tonight I spent Independence Day in one of the most beautiful places I've seen here so far: Sandy Point. The house we visited was built on a sand spit with a beautiful view of Orcas Island. As the sun set over the Puget Sound, the neighborhood came alive with huge fireworks displays. I have never in my life experienced anything like it. It seemed like everywhere I looked the sky was exploding with color.

I was so speechless. I am not usually a big fireworks fan. They are usually kinda boring for me, or at least overrated. It seems like such a waste of time and money... and yet, tonight I have decided to take that back. They're not so bad after all.

I'm so blessed.