Sunday, October 31, 2010

living life alone

Life isn't always wonderful...even in its most wonderful forms.

It's like this. I love being here, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Being here is an opportunity I am absolutely blessed to have. I love the people I am meeting and getting to know, and I love the chance to get paid to go to school. I love living by myself. I love my church. I love it all! :)

And yet, it is hard sometimes. It's hard to be a 22 year old single woman in a church where everyone's either older, younger, or married. Although I think they're wonderful, it's really hard for me to relate to them, and it's also really easy to feel intensely lonely. I honestly believe life isn't meant to be lived alone, and yet, at this point, I live my life alone. This is especially evident on Sunday mornings. I go to church alone, I leave alone. I drift from cluster to cluster alone, and there doesn't seem to be much hope of that changing. It can be somewhat depressing.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

homosexuality and Scripture

It's funny that I had to come out here - to the liberal capital of the country - to make this particular journey that I'm on. In the last weeks my eyes have been being opened to the ridiculous amount of false teaching that is present in this society.

Here's an example (extensive quotes below if you don't feel like wading through this):
http://commonwealmagazine.org/homosexuality-church-1 (particularly the first article on the page)
In light of that:
http://www.actsion.com/neognost.htm

My comments:
My church here has been talking a lot lately about false teaching, particularly the Gnostics from the early church and the ways that it is again manifesting itself in our society. I was very struck by this in Johnson's article on homosexuality and the church. Johnson writes, and I quote:

"I think it important to state clearly that we do, in fact, reject the straightforward commands of Scripture, and appeal instead to another authority when we declare that same-sex unions can be holy and good. And what exactly is that authority? We appeal explicitly to the weight of our own experience and the experience thousands of others have witnessed to, which tells us that to claim our own sexual orientation is in fact to accept the way in which God has created us. By so doing, we explicitly reject as well the premises of the scriptural statements condemning homosexuality—namely, that it is a vice freely chosen, a symptom of human corruption, and disobedience to God’s created order."

and later he says:

"We are fully aware of the weight of scriptural evidence pointing away from our position [emphasis mine], yet place our trust in the power of the living God to reveal as powerfully through personal experience and testimony as through written texts. To justify this trust, we invoke the basic Pauline principle that the Spirit gives life but the letter kills (2 Corinthians 3:6). And if the letter of Scripture cannot find room for the activity of the living God in the transformation of human lives, then trust and obedience must be paid to the living God rather than to the words of Scripture."

And.......

"If it is risky to trust ourselves to the evidence of God at work in transformed lives even when it challenges the clear statements of Scripture, it is a far greater risk to allow the words of Scripture to blind us to the presence and power of the living God."

If you read the whole article, be warned...the above quotes are only the beginning.

At this point, I find myself shaking slightly from shock that someone would pervert the truth like this. I wish I was smarter so that I could articulate exactly why this is wrong. Perhaps I will devote my Christmas break to writing on this subject. However, I would like to point out a few verses that come to mind:
1 Timothy 3: 16-17 - 16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Romans 1:18-19 - 18The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them.
Revelation 22:18-19 - 18I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book. 19And if anyone takes words away from this book of prophecy, God will take away from him his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in this book.
Deuteronomy 4:2 - Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the Lord your God that I give you.

There is one interesting thing to come out of this, something I think might be important to keep in mind. Our western society seems to have the idea that someone's sexuality defines them. Thus someone who is homosexual is defined to their core by this one thing. This, as the author of the second article in the first link I gave points out, is a recent phenomenon. I think it's important for Christians to keep in mind when talking about this subject, because when Biblical authors talked about homosexuality, they did not view it through the same cultural lens as we do. They saw homosexuality as a sin, alongside all the other sins, but the sin of a man sleeping with another man did not necessarily define that man as it does in our society. This is key for us to remember. I believe that there is no doubt that Scripture teaches that homosexual relations are a sin. However, this sin is listed along with a wide variety of other sins. Let us not forget this in our dealings in the world.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

stuck on campus

Sometimes I'm too nice. I emailed a student saying that I would be on campus till 11:30 so she could meet with me during that time if she wanted, but of course she hasn't checked her email, but theoretically she could still stop by...so I have to stay here. I'm very hungry and want to go home and have a quiet/internetless environment in which to do my homework, but alas, I cannot due to the fact that I still have a half hour remaining of my self-imposed imprisonment. And so, I blog. I have found blogging to be a great time-wasting device.

Class last night: I went in expecting to leave completely depressed (like I usually do). Fortunately, I did not leave entirely decimated. My emotions remained intact, which is always a good sign.

There's this really smart girl in that class. She seems to have memorized everything we've ever read and is able to tie all the different theorists together in very specific ways. She always says genius things. It's intimidating, but I've also come to terms with it in an odd sort of way. I will never be that intelligent, and it's become quite okay to languish in my mediocrity. It makes my fleeting moments of clarity and genius that much more wonderful. ;)

And, in any case, I got my Weber paper back, and got an A-. And not only that, but his only problem with it was EXACTLY what my problem with it was. So if only I had had my epiphany BEFORE class time and could have fixed the problem before handing it in, I may very well have gotten an A. It's always a perversely nice feeling to know that I know exactly what I did wrong before the professor even has to say anything...and know how I would have fixed it. And, it's an A-...a quite significant improvement from the first paper, which I got a B on. Now I just need to step it up once more for the next paper and get an A. :)

Foucault (the author of the book I read for this week's class) is absolutely insane. The basic understanding I had of him from my limited experience with him in college did not prepare me for his level of insanity. The guy believes that there is no identity, no "I," "you," "we," etc. There are just masks and behind those masks are just power struggles. People don't have innate characteristics...sexuality itself is just a historical construct. HA. I wonder if Foucault was ever in love? Maybe not? Or maybe he had his heart broken and was super cynical? I'm sure I'm completely misrepresenting him, and for that I apologize. But seriously, some of his ideas make me want to laugh out loud.

Monday, October 25, 2010

...mundane.

Yesterday I started reading the last fifty pages of Michel Foucault's The History of Sexuality at approximately 3:00 pm and finished at approximately 10:00 pm. Granted, I watched 1.5 movies in that time frame as well (using a short segment of a movie as a study break every half hour or so...yeah, that probably means I have serious difficulties focusing), but the fact remains that it took me about five hours to read fifty pages. Also noteworthy is the fact that I read each page twice - I would read a chapter and then read it again to take notes. It was probably the longest day on record though. Time seemed to crawl by. And then, when I finished Foucault, I still had two articles to read. So homework was crazy yesterday.

Fast-forward to today...I got my homework done in an hour and a half and spent the late morning/early afternoon doing laundry/cleaning the apartment. It's crazy how quickly things can change from hectic and busy to me trying to find something to do with my time. Of course, that will all change again at 7:00 pm tonight when I leave my historical theory class with yet another ridiculous book to read.

The more I read of these theorists, the more I shake my head. I'm not at all convinced by their big words and empty frameworks. In fact, it's absolutely ridiculous the mental gymnastics they put themselves through in a desperate attempt to describe a history devoid of any metaphysical presence. I mean, I like words. I even like using big words. But these people are ridiculous, and I hate to say that I am quickly losing respect for history as a discipline. If it's all meaningless, why try anyway? If there's no way to know the origin of history, then where is the meaning in life? I refuse to see life that way, and I refuse to buy the lie that there is no truth.

I'm memorizing Romans, and right now I'm working on the second half of the first chapter. This morning when I was walking to the bus stop I couldn't help but relate what I have been memorizing to historian philosophers like Michel Foucault. Romans 1:16-22 - "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'But the righteous man shall live by faith.' For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness. Because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools..." There might be more, but I haven't memorized that far yet. :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

changes

Fall is in the air. I feel it in the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet and see it in the cloud my breath makes in the morning as I walk to the bus stop. With the change in seasons, I am reminded how much my life has changed in the past two months. I am home here, but in an entirely new sense of "home."
~~~
The other day I decided to look back through my under grad papers, tests, quizzes, and class notes. I was appalled to see what I, at the time, thought of as top quality. It's crazy how time and experienced has matured me, how conditioned I have become to the historian's world. I'm not even sure I possess more intelligence than I did now...rather, I have been trained to fit in in this world. It is especially evident in the fact that they let me grade the papers of a course in African history. I have had no previous experience with African history, and yet I have been trained in the art of history, making me qualified to grade student papers and tests... it's bizarre, really, what separates them and I. Simply some level of expertise in operating in this world, I guess.
~~~
I've been doing a great deal of thinking about the reasons why I am here. I came here with the intention of going on to bigger and better things: a PhD. Now, as I realize that I may not be good enough for such an aspiration, I am confronted with the ugly side of me. Why did I ever come to think that my calling in life was to be the best? When did life become so much about competition that I was unable to imagine a world where I did not achieve whatever I put my mind to? It's horrifying, really. And so, I am attempting to retrain myself. I may not be the best, I may be barely mediocre. I may not achieve the admiration of my professors, and I may be the "bad apple" of the bunch. However, God has put me for a reason, and I only want to follow Him, to serve Him. I want to decrease so that He can increase. What does this look like? It certainly doesn't look like a prideful seeking after worldly recognition.

In the world of graduate history, it's all about intelligence in speech. All conversations are required to be witty, and one attempts at all times to sound nothing short of genius. Joking is centered around an elevation of self at the expense of those who are not as "enlightened." Often, I find myself using self-deprecating humor. This appears to be humble, right? However, I don't think it is...in a strange way my ability to make fun of myself is a source of pride. I need to seek humility in all aspects of my speech. I am not sure how this will work out, but I need to work on it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

rantings

Being a history graduate student is one of the most humbling experiences I have ever had. I leave classes feeling completely confused as to how I ever got here in the first place. Tonight's class was so frustrating - any time I attempted to put a coherent thought together it was either wrong or I was unable to articulate concepts that I understood but was unable to explain. I never take things far enough, and I am way too apt to accept that something relates without questioning why it relates or how it relates. A basic understanding of the tenets of a philosophy is not enough - here I am required to understand how those tenets relate to one another. It's hard...very hard.

I was also frustrated tonight by the fact that we were talking about an ideal-type of Calvinism, which I felt was Max Weber taking the theological premises of Calvinism and making conclusions on how people felt or acted as a result of believing those things. It's not that simple...not all Calvinists go through life terrified that they're not one of the chosen...I know, because I AM a Calvinist. I am not motivated by a need to prove my salvation, but rather by a desire to honor God. And further, my life is not about making money...and I understand that my theological beliefs are somewhat more complicated than the ideal-type that Weber laid out, but perhaps that's my problem in the first place... An ideal-type can only go so far in describing the complex motivations of people.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Today I saw an ad on craigslist for a girl that is seeking a Christian roommate, and I responded. So, we'll see where that leads. Most likely no where, although I must admit that having a roommate would take a significant amount of financial pressure off of me. And, I won't lie, having a friend would also be nice. At times it can get frustrating having no one in the area that I consider a close friend. I'm not complaining - my life is insanely wonderful right now and I love doing what I'm doing. And I don't mind living alone - it definitely has its advantages. However, paying $600 a month is not an advantage. At all.

I have concluded that late night/early morning is my most productive time - last night I got way more homework done between 10:30 pm and 2:30 am than I did in the entirety of the day prior to 10:30 pm. Oops.

Tonight I write my third grad school paper. It is on Max Weber's "The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism." Should be interesting. The book certainly is - he gives an "objective" look at the doctrine of predestination...which is something I ascribe to, and so it's interesting to read about it from a historical perspective and the ways it has worked itself out in society in the past. And it's also interesting to realize the ways that I don't measure up to his "ideal-type" of a Calvinist. That's probably good though...because I'm not sure if I like his ideal-type.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Things are changing so rapidly. I find myself confronting lies which have become intrinsic to the core of how I define myself, and am becoming more and more convinced that the entire structure of this world is fundamentally flawed.

Last night in the course of my small group's discussion of 1 John 1, I found connections being made that leave me wondering if perhaps my struggle against doubt in college was not due to a basic false teaching that leaves Christians without a basis for absolute truth as revealed in the Bible. What if dialectic is flawed? What if two people with alternative viewpoints sitting down and coming to some sort of consensus is the biggest reason that our culture is going astray? If truth is no longer found in the teachings of the Bible, but rather in the average of two opposing viewpoints, what is left?

What if the lack of "legitimate" Christian apologetics that can answer the demands of atheism is due to the fact that any attempt to answer the rational questions posed by atheist philosophers would use the same framework and thus render Christianity powerless?

I apologize - this probably makes little sense. I just felt compelled to write down some thoughts so I will have something concrete to come back to in the future.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

success, mediocrity, failure...three equally possible realities

Suffice it to say that graduate school is the craziest, hardest, most challenging, entirely overwhelming thing I have ever undertaken to accomplish.

In the process of six hours of non-stop laboring over twenty pages of economic/historical theory, I realized a few things:
1) anything less than everything I have will not be enough.
2) studying history makes me feel alive, even when it sucks.
3) mediocrity is a very real threat, because even my best may not be enough.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

immediate, complete, and unforgettable restoration

I came out here for a new start, and I found it. As time went on, though, I realized more and more that in some ways, a new start is only illusory. One can't run and hide from emotions - they may be more easily suppressed in a new place, but never entirely forgotten.
~~~
I stopped asking God for reconciliation just under a year ago. I thought the chance had passed me by, and instead started praying that I'd somehow be able to overcome the scars and live a relatively happy life in spite of the cloud that I was becoming convinced may never entirely leave me.
~~~
God's timing is never mine. In this new place, surrounded by an entirely new set of life's complexities, I was offered a chance to step back into the past. This weekend, God answered the prayer that I stopped praying so long ago.
~~~
With it finally all entirely in the past, I can for the first time say with all honesty that the cloud is gone. I no longer walk wounded, and I no longer fear that I will never be okay again. The change was immediate, is complete, and will be something I never forget.
~~~
God is good. He answers the prayers of us who have messed it up so badly that there seems to be no hope. He offers us the opportunity for reconciliation with one another just as He offers us reconciliation with His Father through His sacrifice on the cross.
~~~
Immediate, complete, and unforgettable restoration.
~~~
Romans 8:1-2, 31-32
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death....What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
~~~
Genesis 9:14-16
"Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on earth."

Monday, October 11, 2010

life as of late

Life is good, as it always is here in the West. I feel as if I got very little accomplished in the way of homework this weekend in comparison to the amount of time I devoted to getting homework done, but at the end of the day, that's fine with me. My weekend was wonderful.

Church yesterday was great - I found out some information on the piano front. The church doesn't own a keyboard, but when the pastor's wife found out I played piano and have a passion for worship-leading, she immediately became very excited - it turns out they're looking for a worship leader for a women's retreat in May. Within a space of about five minutes several members of the congregation came up to us and told us they have spare keyboards they don't use. So, I am not sure what will happen with that, but it was an interesting conversation nonetheless - especially because the conversation all started when I was asked about my hobbies and mentioned the piano.

The weather yesterday was beautiful. This was significant because I thought it was going to rain all day (according to weather.com) but it never rained at all. Each sunny day here is such a gift. It's actually one of my favorite parts of living out here - nice weather is a gift rather than a given.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

an answer to prayer

Sometimes it's incredibly easy to get caught up in life's difficulties and heartbreaks and feel as if God has abandoned the scene. Tonight I was given a reminder that God's timing is not always our timing, and that God's ways are not always our ways. Sometimes God takes his time in answering prayer, but only because it is in that waiting-time we are stretched and grown. Adversity stretches us, forcing us to rely on the only One who is trustworthy.

I am reminded of James 1...

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

I remember one night in particular in the summer of 2009. Life had stretched me to the breaking point, and I desperately needed God's wisdom and direction in making a choice that could potentially have a very large impact on my emotional well-being. Not knowing what else to do, I walked up the hill to the church above my farm to pray. I remember laying face-down on the floor in front of the altar in that small country church, crying out to God and praying the words from James that I just quoted. I was at a breaking point - I didn't know where to turn or how to handle the adversity that was present in my life, and I desperately desired the wisdom of God more than I think I ever have before or since. I determined to remain in that church until I had received wisdom from God. As I lay there listening, an incredible peace washed over me - a peace that clearly told me that everything was going to be alright - God was walking beside me and would not leave me. No matter where the road led from that point on, God would be walking with me. That night in that small South Dakota country church has never left me, many times I have clung to that moment when I needed to remember that God is in control, and that God's wisdom is available for the asking.

It was a long, long, long wait, but tonight God answered my prayer. Praise be to His Name.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

independence

I'm constantly surprising myself with my new-found identity as a single independent woman.

1) I clean. The other night I swept the floors, scrubbed them where necessary, scrubbed other things. I don't have massive piles of clothes in every corner of my bedroom. It seems that responsibility has made me a new woman.

2) I cook. I made tacos yesterday. Score. Ok, so this requires no skill. But still. :)

3) I bake. I MADE COOKIES! For those of you who know me well, I don't even like cookies (well, I eat them, but I don't choose to make them, and I don't usually seek them out or crave them). And I haven't made cookies since childhood. I'm surprised, but they turned out quite well if you ask me. Not burnt, not dry, just pure deliciousness. :)

4) I quite enjoy living by myself, and might be slightly bummed if I ever am required to get a roommate.

All of this lends itself to the conclusion that I am much more...domestic...than I ever imagined myself being. And not only that, but I like it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

a twist in the road

I came to graduate school dead-set on studying Nazi Germany. I had spent the previous year beginning to study the German language and was so excited to take classes on Modern Central Europe.

I got here, and suddenly everything changed when I was informed that the Central Europe professor retired last spring. The entire purpose of me coming out here=gone.

Although I am on one level disappointed and rather conflicted, I cannot say this disappointment is profound. After all, one of the reasons it was so hard for me to make the commitment to grad school in the first place was that I have such broad interests. And so I find myself starting from scratch, attempting to decide to what I want to devote my life's studies.

What are my options, you may ask?

1) the American Southwest. I did a little bit of research/writing on cultural history in the American Southwest during my undergrad. It was interesting. At the time I didn't feel as if it was something I wanted to continue studying indefinitely, but it is always something I can fall back on, especially since I already know Spanish.

2) Along the Spanish lines, I could always go with Latin American history. Honestly, though, I don't think I will be doing this - I simply don't have the background to inspire interest in anything specific.

3) I could go with some variation on Jewish history. This would intersect nicely with the Holocaust, although in a slightly different way than I had imagined at the outset.

4) Then, of course, there is my long-standing fascination with early American history. Colonial America is fascinating to me, and early American history, particularly the antebellum South.

5) 16th and 17th century Europe. Witchcraft was particularly fascinating to me when I took a class on Modern Europe in college.

I do know that I find myself particularly drawn to religious history. No matter what geographical area or time period I find myself in eventually, I do know that religious history will be my focus.

So, basically, I'm slightly conflicted, but in a good way. I have a lot of options. I just need to start talking to the professors here and find out what they have to say about these options. :)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Sabbath

I finished all my homework last night in order to take today off. It's wonderful. I love homework, and I love grad school, but it's really nice to have a day of rest from it all.

Last night I wrote my first grad school paper. And it wasn't even really a history paper, but rather a paper that compared McDonalds to Marxian economics. It is a weird experience writing a paper at my apartment by myself with no internet to distract me (whenever I wrote papers in college I'd do it over a time span of a few days at least and would be constantly distracted by facebook). This time I sat down at the computer at 8:15pm to start writing and was done (editing and all) by 12:30 am. It was a good feeling, although I confess I was feeling entirely insane by the time I was done - talking to myself and the whole bit! :)

This morning I went back to North Shore again (I've chosen it as my church) and it was great. The music was good, the sermon was good, and the people are so welcoming and wonderful! I met some more people, ate some delicious cake after the service, and then was invited to go to IHOP with a family from the church. That was really fun - it was nice to have the chance to talk to them, to learn about the church and the area, to learn their family's story, and to feel like I actually know some people there. They have two kids who are in high school (the boy's a sophomore and the girl's a freshman) and it was a ton of fun.

I'm excited to start small groups this Wednesday. I'm excited for what God is doing in this church and am excited to get to know more of the people so I am more than just the new girl that everyone wants to meet. :)

Today I am going to explore Bellingham (as soon as I get off the computer, that is. :) ) I am planning to head down to the bay and explore Boulevard Park. It's not clear and sunny today like it has been the last few days, but it's not raining, and I intend to take full advantage of this Sabbath day. :)

God is good.