I'm so frustrated right now. It looks like it's back to the drawing board for me as far as apartments go - I called one apartment and they were entirely unhelpful and made it sound like it would be impossible for me to rent an apartment without being there to view it in person. If that's the case, I'm doomed.

I feel completely lost - this isn't something I've done before so I don't really understand the process...and then when you have some crabby lady on the phone who is entirely unwilling to help, I want to just give up.

God, get me through this process... I'm trusting that You have a place for me to live...

giddy

I think I am going to begin the process of pursuing an apartment lead tomorrow. This makes me very excited. It's reasonably priced, location is good (aka no need to drive to school), and it's a one bedroom rather than a studio.

I'm finding myself to be unreasonably excited about the future. I am so ready to leave, to start something new. Life is good here, but I am definitely needing a change of scenery, a new start. Distance from the place that I have always called home, not because of a flaw inherent in home, but because it has always been home, and it's time to experience the wider world.

Bellingham is a beautiful, liberal, laid back town surrounded by mountains, trees, and water. It rains there more often than not, and the seasons are mild. It could not be more different than here. I am ready to experience something completely new. I'm excited to join this new community, to learn to call it home, to add my voice to the symphony.

i miss homework

I miss homework. 87 days.

fragments or something

Here are a list of all the fragmented thoughts that I really want to tell someone, but there's no one to tell. Lol. This might push me into the "pathetic" category.

I'm considering an apartment in Bellingham, and have been considering it for two days now, but haven't had the chance to make the call yet because of work. I have till Monday to decide on whether or not to pursue it. I want to pursue it, because then I would have an apartment and not have to worry about it anymore, but I don't want to pursue it because I'd have to pay for August's rent.

I am so ready to be done with this summer. I'm so antsy, and ready to move.

I really think I made the right choice (yes this is vague, so deal with it :P) and feel more at peace with this choice than I think I expected I would. It's a good feeling. :)

I'm ready for Sunday, and really sad that it's so close all at the same time, because it will be my last day off for two weeks. :S

The summer is flying by...already almost the fourth of July. Next weekend. RIDICULOUS.

I'm finally gaining freedom to move forward completely free. This makes me happy.

I'm surprised at how little I hate this summer. It's actually quite tolerable not having a social life. I'm so busy with work I barely miss it. :P

I'm going to Chicago at the end of August! I'm going to the Boundary Waters at the beginning of August! Which means that August will FLY by, which means that I only have one more normal month left before I move. YAY! And only one more month of T.O.D.

I slept 12 hours last night, so I am celebrating by staying up waaaay later than I normally do. 12:40 and counting, woot woot.

WWU gives its grad students who are TAs free health insurance. Yay? I'm tempted to ask them if they can just give me the money in cash instead, since I get to stay on my parents' plan. :P

It's good that I'm going to end up with more money in my savings account by the time I move than I originally thought I would, since I have all these random trips coming up, and since I'm going to have to buy random things like vacuum cleaners and textbooks when I get to WA.

Which brings up another rant... why do we have wedding showers for random 28 year old women who are getting married but obviously have been living on their own for a very long time and have their own stuff already but we don't have wedding showers for 22 year old women who are NOT getting married but have to STRUGGLE through life on their own? INJUSTICE! I OBJECT!

Haha...obviously I need to go to bed and quit this random post before it gets any more ridiculous.

the new mundane :)

I have developed a new habit. Every time I get on the internet, I check craigslist, as well as all of the real estate agency websites that I know about in Bellingham for any sign of an apartment being available in September. It isn't something I grudgingly do - I actually enjoy it a lot. I'm really looking forward to the day when something affordable, close to WWU, and reasonably attractive comes across my screen. That will be a spectacular day. But until then, I'm really enjoying the long and drawn out apartment hunt.

things i wish i could say

I have found life to be messy. It's rarely simple, and the vast majority of the time I find that a door is closed and I still have things to say. So, I wanted to say those things here, anonymously directed, of course, in this public forum, because there is something strangely therapeutic about knowing that at least *someone* heard.

~~~~~
It is well with my soul. God is good, and He is faithful. Do not hold onto any unnecessary weight or baggage - walk free in the goodness and grace of our God. Do not see my silence as hurt or hatred, but rather as a sign of love.
~~~
I wish you could see what you have done to the relationship we could have had. I wish you could see how wrong what we do have is. I wish you could see how imperfect I am, and how different I am than the perception that you so desperately cling to. But know, above all, that I love you, and that it is because of this love that I remain silent.
~~~
I hope you're okay... and deep down I know you're okay. You are strong. I'm sorry if the lesson I needed to learn cost you something - I can only pray that at least something about it all was positive for you too.
~~~
Sometimes I wonder if everything that was said about you is true.
~~~~~

waiting for august

It is weeks like this when I wonder why I am doing this to myself. Why I'm working myself to death, that is.

I suppose I'm not working all that much. Only 54 hours a week. It could be worse. However, adding driving times/required meal breaks to that makes the number 7 hours higher.

I just am starting to feel like I don't have a whole lot left to give. I come home at the end of a shift exhausted...ready to do absolutely nothing besides sit in my chair and relax. I have low levels of motivation to do anything that could be considered productive and even find myself somewhat resenting any sort of scheduled activity, even hanging out with my family, because it means a further loss of free time.

The last few days at T.O.D. have been draining to say the least. I am not feeling well, and yesterday was insanely busy and today was insanely slow, and so the lack of a happy medium is frustrating. The cook finally decided to show up on time this morning (woot woot!) but I kept finding him sitting in random chairs sleeping for the first 45 minutes that I was there. So he got little more done than he would have if he would have shown up at 6. I could write a book on the injustices of working as a server at a family restaurant, however, I'll resist, at least for this entry. :)

I can't wait for August. Oh sweet August! I love you already! Only four days a week of work! :)

ends and beginnings

Today was Sunday - my weekend. It was a very good day. I had the privilege of playing piano for the morning worship service at my church and then my family went to my aunt's house and the lake to celebrate Father's Day. It was just a fun time, on a lot of levels. I got home wishing desperately that the "weekend" wasn't over already, but that's a good thing I think.

I've been thinking a lot today. This summer is in so many ways an "ending" for me. My last few months at home before leaving it all behind for a new life in Washington. I won't ever get these moments back, this life back. It is passing, momentary, fleeting. Three months from now my life will be entirely different. And although I am excited about the future, today I took a moment while riding across the lake in my family's boat, to reflect on all of the things I will miss. The people I will miss. My family will be staying here, in this life, and I will be leaving them for something altogether different. Life won't stop here, but I will no longer be here. That's sad.

It was hard for me living at home the first few months after graduation. I missed my friends, I missed my independence, I missed school. And now I find myself adjusted fully to this life, and wondering how I will do without it.

I have also been considering new beginnings today, though. The chance to start over in a new place is exciting. Scary, yes. Incredibly scary. But exciting. I have no intentions of ending college friendships, but I will have the opportunity to start anew in Washington. No one will know me...know anything about me. There won't even be rumors about me there. I will be a strange face in a strange place. And I'm okay with that. I need the new beginning, I think. I need it desperately.

And so I swallow the many fears that are growing as my departure date nears. I remind myself Who is in control, Who will be with me wherever I go. I remember that He holds my life in His hands, and will never let me go.

frustrations

I find myself really frustrated with inconsiderate Christians. The type that are unafraid to tell you exactly how you are wrong in your handling of a situation, or the type that hold to brutal honesty at all costs. The greatest of the commandments is love, and yet you feel the need to say exactly what you're thinking with no regard for the way that such comments will make the hearer feel?

I am also disturbed by the Christians who seem to have no empathy for the lost. Instead of compassion toward those who sin as a result of the darkness that surrounds them, these Christians keep their distance, refusing to have anything to do with these sinners. After all, they might hear these people swear, or they might have to see them sin.

Some of us have always been saved...or at least it seems that way. We grew up in the church and know no other mindset. We have no comprehension of how it might be to be lost, because we have always viewed ourselves as "in." We have no understanding for even those Christians who did not grow up as Christians, and view their "worldly" ways as cause for judgment. This frustrates me. I see it in myself, and I see it in other Christians with whom I interact on a regular basis. We so easily forget that which Christ died to save us from, and forget that save the grace of God, we'd be headed for the same destination as the rest, religiousity and all.

i love my family. :)

Alright. I have been wanting to blog all night and have finally settled on a very good topic. :)

I love my family. I'm sure this is a fairly common sentiment - usually people feel some sort of affection for the people they are related to. However, I really really really appreciate my family. Here's one reason why:

I'm moving thousands of miles away in under three months. My family has been nothing but excited for me ever since the first night I discovered Western Washington University and decided to apply. Never once have I been told it's too far away, or that I will be unable to succeed there. Although I know they love me deeply and will miss me, and I them, this does not stop them from whole-heartedly supporting my dreams. They're excited! And for this I love them dearly. (and for a wide variety of other reasons, not all of which are conditional).

I love that their love is deep enough to not be threatened by the prospect of thousands of miles separating us. I love that they believe in me and the path God has laid out for me. I love that even though at the moment I have no place to live and a very limited salary, they believe that I will find a way with God's help.

I love that they love me enough to let me go. And go I shall, held up by the loving optimism of a family who believes in me and the God I serve. :)

it's coming...

It's getting so close. 3 months from now I will most definitely be living in Bellingham. Where exactly, who knows. But I will be there.

I applied for a job last night. Teaching piano lessons. I hope I get it because that would be super cool. If I don't that's fine too. There are other fish in the sea. :)

I contacted some pastors from Bellingham last night asking if they know anyone who is renting out a room or basement. So I'm hoping for some leads in that arena. Yeah cheap rent and built in family! :)

looking back

Have you ever had an experience that made you live like a person who you used to be but no longer are? I had one of those experiences recently. I came away from it suddenly absorbed in a world I had nearly forgotten about. Ashamed because I felt as if I had betrayed myself and God by failing to reflect accurately the person I am and the goodness of the God I serve.

Sometimes I let the doubts and questions that I have overshadow the goodness of the God I serve. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last few years is that God is faithful, that God is good. I may not understand Him or the way He works in the world, I may have lost naivety and struggle to see the world in a black and white way, but that in no way reflects the character of God, simply my perception of it.

This was my biggest regret during my recent experience of failure. I wanted so badly to point to Jesus and glorify Him, but instead I found myself attempting to bridge a gap that I should not be bridging, attempting to find common ground with a world view I do not accept. I was left feeling utterly small. I pray that God's strength was apparent, even in my utter weakness, but that does not change the fact that I utterly failed.

The more I think about it, perhaps this experience was only a more heightened example of the way I have learned to live my life. My people-pleasing ways take precedence over my desire to unwaveringly point to God.

This is not okay. I cannot cut bargains, I cannot take shortcuts. I cannot betray my faith. Over and over again I deny the goodness of God. Over and over again I am left realizing anew how utterly insignificant and useless I am on my own power.

"peace be still, and know that I am God"

I spent the last couple days at Oahe Downstream for naturalist training. It wasn't as good as Fort Sisseton last year or Palisades the year before that, but it was still good. I love the opportunity to visit new parks and soak in the beauty that these parks have. And although most of my time there is consumed with training, there is some time to be still and reflect. That was certainly the case this time. When I wasn't at the workshops, I tried to be by myself (although a lot of that time was on the phone). It was so nice to have a change of scenery, a change of schedule, and a lack of Facebook to entertain me.

I became convinced of my absolute need to be still and wait on God. To leave all in His hands and trust Him. In all areas of life.

I also did some thinking on when to speak and when to be silent. No conclusions have been reached. However, it is interesting being in a secular setting, surrounded by situations and conversations I do not want to be a part of...and yet feeling the tension of wanting to keep doors of communication open. Is it really the case that we must blend in so much that one has to dig to our very core to find the difference? Where is the line between judgment and compassion? These are things I long to understand.

things on my mind

So I have found in the past that listing things on my mind is a wonderful way to blog. So I will do so.

1. Today was a horrible day at work (TOD).
a) I show up at 5:45 to find that there is no cook. After making several phone calls and managing to find the boss's home phone number in the Sioux Falls phone book, a cook finally arrived just in time for me to open the doors at 6 am.
b) It was so stinking busy all morning, until 11 am, when the other waitress got there. Then it died until 12:45, (of course I was off the floor by then) when it got insanely busy again. Go figure.
c) I ended up taking another table around 1:10 and they didn't tip me because they mistakenly thought the salt and pepper were in the wrong shakers. Looks like they never attended culinary school...or something... They were super upset too...I thought it was funny...until they neglected to leave me a tip.

2. I'm super tired. I didn't sleep very well last night - my body is used to going to bed after midnight so it throws me off a bit when I go to bed before 10 - I wake up periodically throughout the night.

3. I'm trying to figure out what in the crap my problem is. I am coming to grips with my probable insanity and am finding myself unequipped to deal with the questions that continually assail me. I want to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep.
[I usually pride myself on the way I handle life. I usually am quite happy with my people skills, with my personality, and with my passionate approach to life. I usually am quite content with my tendency to think things through quickly - to logically look at a problem and come to a solution way more quickly than the average person. However, these qualities are also my worst enemy. They make me different, and not in a good way. They cause me incredible anxiety. I find myself leaps and bounds ahead of the game...it causes me to predict the future when I probably have no business doing so...because really, life is one big surprise after another.]

4. I love my Jesus. He is my rock and my salvation. He is holy and never changes. He knew my every fault, my every failure, my every sin, [see above] and He sent His Son to die for me. For ME. That blows my mind. I find myself wanting only to follow Him. To throw away everything that impedes this pursuit of my Love. As of late I have found myself even more eager to spend time with Him - to know more of this God who is soooo good. :) I find myself wanting to talk only of the things of God...because all else [even my passion for history or music] pales in comparison.

5. I have amazing friends.

skeleton update

So, I haven't truly updated this in a while, except for that one liner update from a couple days ago. It's not for lack of things to say, but rather from a need to censor that which I allow the public to know.

Life is so good. Thursday night I went to OC to visit Tara. We went out to eat and played ridiculous arcade games on our laptops and talked about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. :) It was soooo fun, and needed, and I was so sad when I had to leave. I think I've talked to almost everyone that I was close friends with in college in some way shape or form in the last three days - I've had so many phone conversations, and a fair amount of facebook chat conversations as well.

I had Friday off of work. That was so nice. Not only did I get a few things figured out that needed to be figured out, but I had the opportunity to spend the morning with Tara, the afternoon on the phone, and the evening with my parents in Sioux Falls.

Yesterday I worked all day, and it was quite boring. It was just a very very long day, and I had so many places I would have rather been, people I would have rather been talking to. But, alas, it cannot be helped. :)

Today I had off. Church this morning, and then the entire afternoon has been spent talking to/skyping with friends. :) Doesn't get much better than that...except being with them in person, of course. :)

life score

Today was, simply put, a dream. In a good way. Then again, usually if I wanted to say it in a bad way, I would have used the term "nightmare."

i have issues

I seriously wonder about myself sometimes. I have issues. I take the initiative and then spend the next however long wondering if it was the right thing to do, or if anyone else feels the same way as me... This goes for almost all areas of my life. Whether it be a decision that I need to make that haunts me for months and years for no reason other than I'm afraid of responsibility, or whether it be a simple matter of taking a leadership role within my friend group... I'm terrified. It needs to stop, but I don't know how to change something that's so basic to who I am.

weird.

Today has been a very strange day.

It started after not very many hours of sleep (I probably didn't fall asleep till almost 2 and had to be up at 5:15.) I found my way to work...a slow paced day.

Sometime around 8 a couple guys came in, one of whom claimed to be the mayor of Las Vegas. I didn't know whether or not to believe him - they didn't seem to be joking but it seemed a little bit ridiculous that the mayor of Las Vegas would be at T.O.D. (I googled a pic of the mayor when I got home and it turns out this guy was a fake after all. disappointment...no celebrity sighting for me! haha)

Around noon a massive thunderstorm rolled through...just as the storm hit there was a huge rush. (comparatively speaking, at least) Go figure.

I'm home now...so tired I could cry but not willing to ruin another night of sleep by taking a nap now.

I have been in a very weird mood today. Probably comes from the weird mood I was in last night and the fact that I got not enough sleep allowed it to carry over.

I have been feeling poetic today. I think that given some training, I'd probably love poetry.

I think what makes today so weird is that I'm so tired that I seriously feel as if I'm in a dream. I don't get that feeling very often anymore (it used to happen to me all the time when I was a kid) but I am definitely getting it today. I feel as if everything is slightly off and dream-like. I am having trouble keeping track of time and remembering that things that happened today did indeed happen today.

I love the fact that this blog post is entirely scatterbrained. It makes me laugh...and I'm not even going to bother fixing it. It's too much fun to fix.

I have Friday off. T.O.D. no longer has nearly as much need for me as they did even a week ago. Instead of having me work two days this coming work week (their work week goes from Thurs-Wed) I am only working one day (I requested a day off next week and they're not replacing it with another day). I am not too heartbroken about it - in fact, I'm quite excited. I'm going to have a day off that isn't a Sunday! Woot! :) I'm actually going to visit OC on Thursday night. I haven't been there in about three weeks so I'm pumped. It's time.

There's so much I should be doing right now. I should be cleaning, figuring out WWU stuff for this fall...making a copy of my medical records to send to them...something productive. But I'm so tired that all I want to do is sit here and do nothing. So do nothing I shall - after all, I have tomorrow afternoon and all day Friday to be productive! :D

Today I officially told T.O.D. in writing that my last day of work will be July 27. It was a wonderful moment. I wish I could quit before then...I am beginning to hate having to get up so early two days a week.