the power of fear

Last spring, I blogged here about a quest for the truth on which I was about to embark.  I wrote that I did not want this time of questioning to be characterized by fear, but rather faith that my God is big enough to lead me to the truth.

And here I am.  I've questioned, I've agonized, I've started looking into theology more deeply.  I've allowed myself to step outside of the box to which I had previously limited myself.  And it's been a wild ride.  I've questioned heaven, hell, and salvation.  I've struggled with the knowledge that my reading of God's Word will always be hopelessly influenced by perspective, upbringing, and bias.  I've had so many good conversations with so many wonderful friends.  

This journey is by no means over.  It is only beginning, and I am becoming increasingly convinced that it will continue indefinitely.  

Tonight, though, I've been thinking a lot about fear.  Fear - that thing that I have come to realize keeps many Christians in the fold.  That thing that almost ended my faith.  Debilitating fear.  Fear that polarizes, that deceives, and that destroys.  

As an evangelical Christian, I was taught that my way of reading the Bible was the absolute truth.  I was taught to distrust the alternatives.  I was taught that the Bible's truth was self-evident, but that it was only self-evident if one limited it to evangelical Christianity's neatly defined boxes.  This fear of the alternatives had a polarizing effect; when I began to question doctrine, I feared that if I didn't believe one thing, I wouldn't believe any of the rest.  I feared that to read the Bible in a different manner would result in the loss of my salvation.  

This fear shows up in so many contexts.  Not all religious.  Conservatives label anyone who doesn't fit into the  parameters of the far right as liberal.  Liberal unequivocally equals evil.  Conservatives define themselves as "the way it's always been done" and in so doing rob history of truth.  

It seems power is all about having a monopoly on truth.  If one has enough pull to convince one's followers of the absolute veracity and gravity of one's viewpoint, power results.  One's followers are paralyzed to protest, as protesting means denying the truth.  

I believe in absolute truth.  Absolutely and unequivocally.  Truth exists, and God is Truth.

I do not believe that anyone has a monopoly on that truth here on earth, though.  Not Lutherans, not Muslims, not Mormons, not atheists, not the far right, and certainly not evangelicals.  We are all our own brand of confused and misguided.  My faith in the veracity of my beliefs only goes so far as to assert the unquestionable  Truth of God.  

Is this scary?  Yes.  It means that I may very well get to the end of my life and find out just how wrong I was.  

It is not, however, as if I do not believe that Jesus is the Christ.  I believe that enough to stake my life on it.  I believe that in Jesus is life, salvation, and hope.  I live as a witness to that life, salvation, and hope.  

I do not, however, claim to understand the Bible.  I read it, I strive to understand, and every once in a while I catch a glimpse of a God who strikes fear and awe and love into my heart.  But I revolt against a system which claims its interpretation of the God found in Scripture to be the only one.  The God of Scripture is a big God, one who defies categorization or explanation.  He is worthy of my worship, not my categorization.  He is worthy of my humble service, not my proud claim to have finally understood him.

After all, God became man in the humblest way imaginable.  God loved, served, suffered, and died.  He taught his followers to do the same.

Matthew 23:15 - "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are."

thesis update

Would you like to edit my thesis in March? Click here for more information.

on the quest for health

Being healthy isn't easy - I've found that out.  Even success on the scale (7.2 pounds lost since January 1) does not necessarily equal health.  Always I struggle against the desire to be lazy - I can lower my calorie intake down to the point where I don't need to run to lose weight...and so I feel better about myself without truly achieving health.

Health, though, is the long term goal.  It's just about finding the motivation to achieve it.  I'll take the pounds, for now.  :)

You know that one good thing in life that happened to you?

You can't have that.

You can't just walk away, though either.  You have to stay here, chained to this bench, hearing the gleeful laughter of that which you most want.

You know that, somehow, it's all your fault.

You're you.

And so you deal.

After all, what else is left?

breakin' the rules and posting about my life. :)

So I came back to WA after being in SD for Christmas weighing a solid 5 pounds more than I did when I left for break.  No regrets - my mother's cooking is the best and I had resolved to enjoy life and "let myself go" for the three weeks I was home.  

It's nice to be back "on track" though.  In fact, I'm more on track than I think I've ever been.  My family is going on vacation next weekend, and I wanted to lose at least some of the weight I need to lose before the vacation.  My sister and I embarked on a challenge to see who could get to 135 first.  Unfortunately she had a huge advantage because I weighed 5 pounds more than her starting out.  She's already to her goal.  I'm still languishing at 143. 

I've discovered so much through this process of intentional weight loss, though.  I thought I'd share:

1) I may be more obsessive than most about weight...which might not be so healthy.  

2) It's so much more fun to lose weight when I'm doing it the right way.  I have been eating 3-4 HEALTHY meals a day (fruits and vegetables and whole grains and all that good stuff), trying to consume more water instead of calorie filled crap (although I haven't given up coffee or milk or my chai latte mix by any means).  I have also been running!  I ran four times this past week - 20 minute runs each time.  Nothing too crazy, but I'm pretty out of shape so it'll take me some time to regain my cardio fitness.  

Life is so good when I'm concentrating on living healthily.  Although it's about the scale at the moment because of my competitive nature, I have discovered that living a life characterized by self-control isn't so bad.  I even have been getting up before 10 am pretty much every day.  

I am considering where I want to take this running thing.  It's definitely something I want to maintain, although I refuse to commit to it, because if I do, I'll try to systematize it, and I'll fail, and then I'll stop running entirely.  So for now I just run when I want to.  Maybe it'll turn into something more official someday soon. :)

My long term goals for 2012?
Get under 130 pounds (this may be a stretch, and I'm not going to push it, but if it happens, it'd be wonderful. I would at least like to work in that direction and maintain a reasonably healthy diet).  After all, I'm getting old.  (it's funny how my priorities change as I enter my mid twenties...)  I'm no longer a kid, that's for sure. :)

Run.  make running a lifestyle.  Something I do for fun.  (Remember the feeling after you get back from a run when it gets hard, Marilee)

Get my masters degree in history. :D

Go to Germany (I hope I hope I hope)!

Get a job.

Live life. :)

new year and new beginnings

It is a new year, and tonight I will be doing something new - attending a Gospel Community.

Small groups at the church I currently attend were cancelled, which was a huge bummer for me, as small groups were one of my favorite parts of that church, but this was a perfect opportunity for me to try something new.

And I am super pumped.  A church in town that I attended off and on last year has a version of small groups that they call gospel communities.  They meet once a week for fellowship, and this includes a wide variety of things - social events, prayer, Bible study, and outreach.  I think that's what makes me the most excited about getting involved with them - these small groups actually go out into the community.

I will hopefully be able to start tonight, assuming that the leader has time to get in contact with me before then to let me know exactly where they meet.

Woot!