the Call

I was talking with some friends last night, and we were discussing the wisdom of taking a year off from dating.  A guy friend didn't understand why girls would do such a thing, if we are meant to be pursued rather than the being the pursuers.

And here's the thing...

The problem is that the business of waiting is, in my opinion, far more difficult for a woman, from whom most of the control has been wrested.  If I cannot pursue a man in whom I have interest, I am rendered essentially passive, indeed, powerless.

And that requires a great deal of discipline.  The woman waiting to be pursued must learn to wait, with nothing to be done but wait.

This is something I struggle with in my faith, too.  God bids me to wait on Him.  I can wait on Him only sometimes, only in those moments where my deepest desires remain out of reach.  The hard part is when my emotions and desires do not match up.  It is then that I learn what it will truly cost me to follow Jesus.

You see, at times the call of Jesus lacks its emotional validity.  At times it seems as clear and obvious as the clearest day.  The challenge lies, though, in committing to Jesus through the times when it makes sense and the times when it doesn't.  Jesus calls me to surrender.  To lay my hopes and dreams of a permanent job, a husband, and a family at His feet.  To trust that if I follow Him, forsaking all things, He will provide for me in every way.  That although it will never be easy, He will always be there.

What does it look like to live only to know Christ?  How does it look to make the pursuit of Christ my only focus?  No excuses, no exceptions.  Just wholehearted surrender.  Leaving my heart in the hands of Jesus, so secure there that only God himself can move in my life.  So that only His way, whatever that may be, matters.

I don't know how to go about the business of surrender.  Then again, maybe I do.  I learned all my life about what it looks like to truly live the Christian life and now here ti is - the moment when Christ calls me to lay it all down, forsake my life and follow Him.  And it is now that I waver, unsure of what I should do.  Because that's always how it is - one can learn all the sunday school answers, but it will always be the actual leap that can only be made at the call of my Lord.

And he calls.

And I waver.

Here's what I do know:

1.  The surrendered life is a life daily surrendered.  Every day begun with the same prayer: "Not my will but Your's be done."  Every day, no matter my feelings or the circumstances, choosing Christ.  Choosing him above all other things.
2. Following Christ doesn't make sense.  People will tell me in various ways that I need to take control, that God isn't enough.  Looking in from the outside, my life will seem absurd, my contentment in Christ crazy.  But when Christ bids me follow, He requires me to surrender all I hold dear.  He requires me to lay it all at His feet.

And what is it that God bids me surrender?

I believe that at the moment, He wants me to give Him my desire for a husband.  God calls me to trust that His way is best.  He doesn't call me to say "I will never marry," only to say "God is in control."  In His timing.  His perfect timing.  Maybe never, maybe someday.  It is this one thing that is the hardest at this point in my life, when I feel for the first time truly ready for marriage.  And I believe that this is precisely why I am not yet as ready as I would like to believe.  I believe God is calling me to follow Him.  He has been for months now.  Part of following Jesus invariably means real, hard decisions that will cost me the things I value most.  Learning to value Jesus above all means giving all to Him. Really giving it to Him.

There is so much that seems to stand between me and surrender - mostly concerns about society and gender roles and how I fit into those things as a Christian.  And yet, all that is but a smoke screen.  God bids me to surrender those things, too.  He bids me surrender my need to know exactly what is right.  He bids me follow Him and learn from Him.  Not by reading or thinking or talking with my friends or retreating into myself, but by a simple following of Jesus.  Learning by example, and most of all by living out Christ's call.

And so...

God, I come before You and humbly thank You for the work You are doing in my life.  Thank You for loving me and for calling me to follow.  This prayer represents not a changed life or a changed heart.  That will come with time, as I learn to truly walk with You.  This prayer represents the beginning of a journey.  A hard journey of daily surrender.  Teach me, Father, to truly value You above all else.

Your will be done.

Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise

Today during a conversation with a dear friend I was reminded of the extreme difficulty of surrender.  It's one thing to give a situation or desire to God.  It's yet another to let Him keep it, to not take it back.

As of late, I'm learning that one the hard way.

It's incredibly hard to trust that God has my best in mind.  It's so easy to come up with reasons why I should step ahead of God, why I should take charge of my life.  Maybe God wants me to act.  Maybe my acting is part of His will.  Maybe I was wrong to step back in the first place.  The lies and excuses go on and on.

And at the heart of it is a basic refusal to follow Jesus, a rejection of His call, and a lack of faith in the God who has saved me.

I'm not sure how to fix this, at least practically speaking, because I know my desires won't just go away.  They're here to stay.  But I do believe that God requires that I follow Him, not my own desires.  This means real, hard self-denial.  It means that I find my peace and joy in the plan God has for me, not in plans I wish for myself.  It means I hold my life with an open hand, recognizing the utter lack of control that I have and giving myself wholly to His leading.  It means beginning every day with a prayer of surrender, and it means keeping that surrender close to my heart and mind every moment of every day.

To make a really tacky cultural reference, this requires nothing other constant vigilance.

Most of all, though, I need God and His strength to achieve whole surrender.  Without His Spirit, I will fall again and again.

Take my life and let it be
consecrated Lord to Thee.

i just wanna run

Sometimes it's all I can do to conjure up the desire to stay put.  Tonight I just wanna run.  I wanna run fast and far away from this place.  I want to leave behind the longing, the sadness, the hopelessness.  On nights like tonight I know there's only one cure for this ache.  Tonight my prayer is simple.  Jesus, take this from me.  Either fulfill my heart's desires or take them from me.  'Cuz I'm just a simple girl, and this is too big for me.  I know that you want to teach me to trust You, but I'm weak, so very weak.

Tonight it's all I can do to be still.

To know.

You are God.

following Christ

Tonight was such an interesting night.

1) I was pretty tired.  I don't know why, but I'm the sort of person who's tired all the time.  Maybe there's something wrong with me.

2) I went to church prepared for the first time in a while.  The last few weeks I've been just sort of showing up.

3) So many things converged to distract me from what God had laid on my heart this evening.

4) I had a waffle at the Waffle House and instantly woke up.  Funny how food can do that...

In spite of my wandering mind and heart of a cynic, I realized something.  Following God is only easy when there isn't anything standing in the way.  Right now it's hard for me to want to truly follow, because it would mean putting some other things about which I care so very much on the back burner.  So right now I'm following God distracted.  That knowledge made me sad tonight.  I want to want to follow.  And part of me does.  But I also want God to just give me those other things I want as well.

And it most certainly does not work like that.

a prayer

Heavenly Father,

How quickly I stray.  How quickly I become distracted, apathetic, and lazy.  How quickly I begin once more to lean on my own strength rather than looking to You.  How quickly I let my circumstances dictate my faith.

I'm sorry.

Today I pursue You, tomorrow I am as a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  Today I live in eager expectation that Your way is best, tomorrow I doubt that You have the best for me.

I've struggled with this my whole life.  Living on emotion.  Dying on emotion.  Trusting you at the high points and the low points, but never during the transitions.  When I moved to Washington, I left my emotional faith largely behind.  And now it's back.  I pray, though, that You will teach me the balance.  I want to love you with my heart AND my feet.  With my emotions AND my actions.

So here I am.  My life is Yours, my heart is Yours, my hands are Yours, my feet are Yours.

May I be wholly Yours.

Marilee

My heart and mind's all in a mess right now.

I want to write.  I want so badly to write.  I'm laying awake when I should be sleeping, wishing I could write.

And so I will try, although the truth of today is something that even I do not understand, nor want to.

What I do understand is that life is a mysterious thing.  A beautiful process of learning, loving, letting go, mourning and joyful laughter.  Learning contentment, learning to find joy in the small moments that take my breath away.

Because today was good.  Good in the far-above-mediocre-gift-from-God sort of way.

I think it maybe all took a turn for the beautiful when I found myself at the steering wheel of a boat.  Life's firsts are so exhilarating.  Today was filled with more than one first.  And I'm thankful.

what i mean when i say i am politically apathetic

So I realized something about myself today.

I don't think I could have a political opinion if I tried.

I don't really care if you're liberal or conservative, as long as you have an educated reason for your opinion.  As long as you genuinely want the best for the poor and hurting among us, as long as you take the time to research facts and consider all sides, I will respect your opinion.

I don't think there's a right answer.  I honestly do not.  In this complicated, messed up world, maybe the government needs to step in, or maybe the richer people need to step up with their private acts of charity.

Maybe both?

the river

She's a mess.  

If you look for her, really look for her, you probably won't find her, because she's hiding in a dark corner of her bedroom sobbing her eyes out.  Her attempts at reaching out have become more and more feeble, and although you see her every day, you never really see her.  Her smiling, bubbly self is only a wall that she puts up in an attempt to keep you out.  You see, the problem is, although you may want to help her if you knew how much she is hurting, she doesn't want your help.  It was you, after all, who is partly responsible for her tears.  Your callous disregard for her friendship sent her behind her wall and has her weeping as we speak.  It boils down to a lack of trust between you and her.  Because you could never trust her, she will never trust you.  

Or at least that is what she would like you to think.  

Really, quite honestly, one real conversation would send her wall tumbling down.  One reminder that she is loved would take away the pain of a thousand cold days.  

And she, also, is not without blame.  She allowed pain to become anger and that anger to build the wall behind which she now hides.  She has allowed you to be the enemy when there is nothing further from the truth.  

She is her own worst enemy.

There is, after all, a river.  

They say river has mysterious qualities.  It heals with but one swim.  If she'd but take a step into that river, all the brokenness and pain would be washed away.  But to get to the river's edge, she has to step out of her room, out of the shadows.  She needs help to make it to the river.  She cannot go alone, for she knows not the way.  Her pain has left her ashamed, and the crowds outside her room wait to taunt her brokenness.

She needs you to take her hand and lead her to the water.

I need to get better at this being alone thing.  For the love, I can't even handle two days of it.  To Yulee, FL I go...time to teach myself that "hanging out" alone can be fun.

And to think I thought I was an introvert...

Words have such incredible power - power to tear down and power to build up.  Yesterday I heard from an old friend and his kind words are still reverberating in my heart.

It makes me think...a lot. How often do I use language to remind those around me of their value and of the ways that they have blessed me?  So often I use my words in jest and to bring myself up.  Although joking around is fine and good, I pray that I will learn the balance.  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of how difficult it must be to be teased for one thing over and over and over again for one's whole life.  Even if the jesting is in fun, may I learn to be a blessing, not a discouragement to my friends.

The Single Perspective

Get ready for this one...it may be long and involved.

So, I'm one of those hopelessly single people.  And when I say hopelessly single I mean hopelessly single.  How I wish this wasn't true, I want nothing more than to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet and into the sunset and all that.  I understand that marriage is something to be valued and desired.

Here's the thing, though: I'm hopelessly single, if you didn't catch that above.  Although it could change some day (and oh how I hope that will be the case), it's getting on my nerves to be constantly told in various ways that my singlehood is preparation for marriage.  So, perhaps it is.  But, perhaps it isn't.  Isn't it a bit presumptuous to assume that just because I want to be married that God will just pull some strings so that I get married?  

I think that's absolutely ridiculous.

Here I am, trying so insanely hard to be content - trying in the midst of crushes and silent rejection and drama to honor God in the here and now.  Trying to give Him my whole heart and my whole life.  And it's very frustrating to hear again and again how wonderful marriage is.  Because I'm not there.  I might never be.

Yes, I know that you're very happy to be married.  I would be so blessed to be in your position.  God knows how much I want it.  But I'm single.  And this may be what God has for me.  I must learn to wait on Him.  I must learn to find contentment and joy in the place God has brought me.  I must learn to prepare myself to honor God with my whole life - no matter what form that takes.  I do not know, and neither do you, what God has for my future.  And so until then, I must recognize the inherent blessing that is the single life.  I must learn to appreciate the opportunities it brings, and I must learn to allow my loneliness to spur me to love my neighbor.  

Because at the end of the day, I think the Christian life is so much bigger than getting married, my 20s so much bigger than preparation for the day I'll walk down the aisle, assuming that day comes.  I think God calls me to love fully, to serve radically, and to dream big dreams.  

And so I will try to learn to follow Jesus in my singlehood, and even into my singlehood.  I don't know what is coming down the path, but I do know that Jesus honors and blesses single people just as he does those who marry, and that He even chooses some to remain single.  To be counted worthy of any service to my King is breath-taking.  May I live in the promise that God knows me and loves me and has the best for me.

on conversation

I hate small talk.  Always have.  I think the primary reason for that is that I find it to be a cheap imitation of the thing I value most in this life: real conversation.  Conversation, real conversation, is so important to me.  More than anything, I value talking.  I am not sure what all the love languages are, but talking is most definitely mine.  A good conversation can make my entire day.  A good conversation gives me hope, joy, and reminds me that someone values me enough to spend their time talking to me.

This isn't the case with everyone, though, which makes it hard.  I am pretty sure most people don't realize how much weight I put on the words that we exchange.  I will replay conversations, both good or bad, over and over again.  Most people show love in other ways.  It can be lonely sometimes when my way of showing love doesn't translate to others.

But know this: when I love you, I will cross the world and back to lay everything aside to talk to you.  I will give you my whole heart in one conversation.  It hurts the most of all when I realize later that you stole my heart and I left with not a single piece of yours.

Because here's the thing.  When I'm spending time talking to someone about real things of the heart, I feel alive.

God, forgive me.
I have forgotten You
In the midst of my day to day life
I have forgotten You
In my heartache
I have forgotten You
In my love for my neighbor.

It is not uncommon for me to become a bit over dramatic and let relatively little things ruin my day/week/month.  Today I was reminded of how entirely stupid that is when a coworker told me about the issues that she is facing in her personal life.  She's facing real problems, and here I am creating my own little internal dramas and acting like my internal strife is the end of the world.

God forgive me.

You Don't Even Want to Know

I wrote this some time ago...just found it on my computer now and thought I'd post it.

You don't even want to know how many times I was tempted to sell you down the river. 
How many times I convinced myself that this was all such a terrible idea,
how many times I considered jumping ship. 

You don't even want to know what a daily struggle it was to maintain joy. 
How difficult it was to value our friendship,
how soul-wrenching it was to love you. 

You don't even want to know how real were my emotions,
how all-encompassing,
the way they warped everything into a new reality.

A reality where you were the enemy.

It was moments like these that I used to run
Running is the easy way
the fresh-start, forget-about-it-all sort of way

This way, you're always here,
Always on my mind,
Forever on my heart.

Your joy is my pain,
Your fulfillment my emptiness
Your milestones my reminder.

And, really,
entirely honestly,
I wouldn't have it any other way.

I didn't vote in the election.  For many reasons, although those reasons are not here important.  Suffice it to say I don't know for certain who I would have voted for had I voted.  But one thing stands out to me.

The day after the election has been far more aggravating than the week leading up to it.

My Republican friends are in a state of complete and utter shock, anger, and depression.  Inappropriate and angry things are being said left and right.

And, I'm not gonna lie, it's starting to make me more than a little annoyed.  First it was funny to observe.  But that's wearing off.  And now, as I read and am depressed by all of my friends' ignorant comments and selfish fear, all I find myself thinking is this:

How would these people have responded had Romney won?  Elation?  Thanking God?  Confident hope that God has blessed America?  Because here's the thing...we're called to thank God in all circumstances.

My friends, some of them close friends, are closing their eyes and making blind accusations not backed by evidence.  They are reacting out of fear, ignorance, and even prejudice.  I've heard/read some crazy things, and it makes my heart hurt, both for Obama and for these people who live in fear that their world is going to come crashing around their feet if we start giving poor people free medical care.

And it's, quite frankly, not okay.

For those of us who call ourselves Christians, our kingdom is not of this world.  America is not the best, not the only, and not really even all that important.  What is important is the Kingdom of God, a kingdom that goes beyond this nation's borders to encompass people from the entire globe.  And that's what I stand for.

I wish I had a political opinion.  I really do.  But in many ways I'm glad I don't, because I am afraid I could very easily become this very person I describe.  A person living in fear, characterized by anger and a biting tongue, putting my hope for my future in the hands of one man whose name I wrote on a ballot.

God forgive us.

Life's challenges present themselves to me with a wide variety of emotions.  The stages are as follows:

1) shock
2) depression
3) anger
4) amusement

I'm currently at stage 4 with life's latest challenge.  It's pretty funny to be me right now.  Everything cracks me up.

as long as I shall live

The dark is always nearby, waiting to take me by storm.  It is a daily challenge, learning to lay my cares and my sorrows at the feet of Jesus and trust that His way is the best way.  

I’m reminded of a song I wrote in college based on a Psalm:

“I love the Lord,

For he heard my voice

He heard my cry for mercy

Because he turned his ear to me,

I will call on him 

I will call on him

As long as I shall live

As long as I shall live

I will call on him”