Today during a conversation with a dear friend I was reminded of the extreme difficulty of surrender. It's one thing to give a situation or desire to God. It's yet another to let Him keep it, to not take it back.
As of late, I'm learning that one the hard way.
It's incredibly hard to trust that God has my best in mind. It's so easy to come up with reasons why I should step ahead of God, why I should take charge of my life. Maybe God wants me to act. Maybe my acting is part of His will. Maybe I was wrong to step back in the first place. The lies and excuses go on and on.
And at the heart of it is a basic refusal to follow Jesus, a rejection of His call, and a lack of faith in the God who has saved me.
I'm not sure how to fix this, at least practically speaking, because I know my desires won't just go away. They're here to stay. But I do believe that God requires that I follow Him, not my own desires. This means real, hard self-denial. It means that I find my peace and joy in the plan God has for me, not in plans I wish for myself. It means I hold my life with an open hand, recognizing the utter lack of control that I have and giving myself wholly to His leading. It means beginning every day with a prayer of surrender, and it means keeping that surrender close to my heart and mind every moment of every day.
To make a really tacky cultural reference, this requires nothing other constant vigilance.
Most of all, though, I need God and His strength to achieve whole surrender. Without His Spirit, I will fall again and again.
Take my life and let it be
consecrated Lord to Thee.
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