Sometimes I think one of the most annoying things about writing is that profundity comes and goes. Or at least inspiration does - I'm not sure that I'm ever truly profound. Music helps, but if there's nothing in my head, it's very hard to manufacture something. Right now is the hardest time, because I really want to write, but have no specific inspiration. So I'm going try to write without knowing what's going to come next.
Last night I went to bible study a few minutes early to play piano for a while. As I was playing, I realized how much I miss the chapel from college - I miss that massive room that so often stood empty. I miss the opportunity to play that massive, beautiful grand piano whenever I wanted. I miss running down the sloping aisle to the stage. I miss the way sound filled the room, the way I could play and sing and my lack of talent didn't matter, because somehow, someway, beautiful sound filled the room.
For the most part, I don't miss college anymore. I actually look back with somewhat mixed emotions about everything that happened there. I'm no longer convinced that "your college years are the best years of your life." It was what it was, and there were so many parts of it that I wouldn't trade for the world. And there was a period of time (months and months) that I missed college intensely. But I don't really anymore. I'm just too happy here to wallow in a iffy past.
Last night as I drove back from church, I was listening to some focus on the family radio broadcast*** [see note below for a random rant on this subject] that talked about moving. Despite the content of said broadcast, the very fact that they were talking about moving made me reflect on my own experience moving out here. And I realized something.
I'm only here for two years. One more, in fact, and I may very well be gone to some new adventure. And in many ways I'm still the new kid on the block. For so long I've held onto a sort of guilt for moving out here. I felt bad for leaving my family, my friends. So many people tell me they miss me and that they wish I'd move back home. So many others hint to that effect. And I don't want to live with that mindset anymore. I want to live fully in the present. I want to embrace each moment, because these moments are truly so fleeting. Lots of people move, and I'm just one of many. I want to stop feeling bad that I'm out here and that a lot of people I love are "there." I'm here, and I absolutely LOVE here.
One of my favorite things about this summer has been the opportunity to travel. I haven't gone on any insane road trips yet, but I have been trying to intentionally embrace this place. Work isn't giving me a lot of hours, and I could wallow in financial woes and worry about that, but I refuse to give into that sort of thing. I believe God has given me this summer to enjoy life. To fully LIVE here...to let go of my need to make a lot of money just so I can hide it under a rock (or in the bank). I want to use the rest of my time to live fully in the here and now. Sure, I miss people from back home, and I am not by any means letting go of those relationships. I want to hold onto as many friendships as possible, because I was so blessed with so many great friends in college. And yet, if I am truly to live here, I must embrace my new identity as a Northwesterner (regionally speaking), even if it is only for another year.
***Okay, seriously, I know Focus on the Family's point is "family." But it's so frustrating for me as a single twenties-something woman to turn on the radio from 9-11 pm and hear without fail another radio broadcast about parenting or raising teens. I understand that most people have kids and are all about that. But just once in a while it'd be great to turn on the radio and be able to relate. Another example of how I am increasingly feeling like I don't fit because I'm hopelessly single (and loving it, just for the record). Also, since when is it some sort of scientific fact that women are the only ones who are emotional about moving? Seriously, Focus, can you for one moment stop generalizing? First of all, I am a woman, and I did not have a husband who told me we were going to move to my emotional chagrin. Second of all, I LOVE moving. Thank you very much.
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