Today I'm learning to live with this new pain. I remember all too well what it feels like to want to work because of the distraction it provides, I remember all too well what it feels like to be immersed in the mundane when suddenly the pain comes flooding back. I remember all too well the struggle to smile for real again. But I remember the joy that came when the pain had finally gone for the last time. And it's for tomorrow that I hang on, knowing that today is only today. Tomorrow is a new day. New day will follow new day until the day I wake up free from pain. That is the day I live for. That is the day toward which I strive.
In this pain, I also strive to love God and my neighbor more fully. I strive to not allow myself to be buried in my pain, but to allow it to draw me closer to the Father. Pain tends to draw me into myself. I struggle to reach out because pain centers all my energy on healing my own heart. But, God, You call me to love no matter the day and no matter my own pain.
Thank You, Father, for last Saturday night. Thank You for this prayer you gave me when I had no idea of the storm waiting for me, and the strength it provides me today, strength that I so desperately need, strength that only You have:
"Lord, thank You that your love covers me. Thank you that if I will have but faith the size of a mustard seed you will move mountains. You have already moved mountains in my life and I thank you that you will continue to do so. You are a God whose love never ends. Show me a glimpse of Your love. Not in a mushy gushy way but in a way that changes, convicts, draws us to give our very lives over to death that You may be glorified."
So today I am thankful. Thankful for a God who holds me. Thankful that my worth is found no where else but in Him, so incredibly thankful that no matter the pain, my God is big enough.
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