It's already almost June! Wow, time flies. I've been working at TON lately - and it's had its challenges, but I'm okay with it overall. My life is mundane, but busy. I feel like I live at Newton Hills four days a week - because on those four days, I don't have time to do anything but be there it seems.
I had today off, and my family took our boat to Yankton for a spin on the lake. Good times. I even got a slight sunburn. It was so fun - there is something thrilling about cruising across a lake filled with waves (it was slightly windy and there were a lot of boats out there)...wind in your hair, sun on your face. Alive. It reminded me somewhat of riding a horse. I always felt very alive cantering a horse down a path. I miss that.
Real social interactions since May 8 = one. I went on a walk this past week, and it was good. I may have blogged about that earlier. Actually, I did, but indirectly. Anyway...I went on a walk with a childhood/current friend and it was so refreshing. Now she's gone all summer. Lol.
It's alright though. I'm keeping quite occupied, and the internet saves me from utter isolation. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am now moving to Washington by myself, and attempting to constantly remind myself that God is in control and knows exactly what He's doing even when I'm completely in the dark. It's down to just a little over 3 months until I leave - since I don't know exact departure date things get a little fuzzy. My last day of work is about three months and one week away. In two months I'll be leaving for the Boundary Waters and done with T.O.D. Broken down like that it is scary.
Things I have been learning as of late:
I learned today to never ever assume things. I may think one thing is happening when that is actually completely false.
I learned yesterday to never ever underestimate God. He is powerful and uses me even when I'm not entirely planning to be used.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
so...tired....
The past week has been insane. I have been working every day since Monday (I had Sunday off) and it has been really busy. I've been gone till at least 10 every night since Wednesday.
I'm just burned out...in some ways. I don't mind the work most of the time, and I feel as if I'm making money, which is good. I also feel as if I am getting nothing else accomplished, which is not good. But, there's not a lot to accomplish, and I have been getting lots of German studied and books read while on the job. So that's a good thing.
I'm just tired. I am so excited to get home at night after work each night...unhealthily excited. I don't necessarily have anything pressing to do at home - I just like being here.
I'm just burned out...in some ways. I don't mind the work most of the time, and I feel as if I'm making money, which is good. I also feel as if I am getting nothing else accomplished, which is not good. But, there's not a lot to accomplish, and I have been getting lots of German studied and books read while on the job. So that's a good thing.
I'm just tired. I am so excited to get home at night after work each night...unhealthily excited. I don't necessarily have anything pressing to do at home - I just like being here.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
forever changed
Last fall, when I decided to move home following graduation instead of living in OC with a friend, I remember the bittersweet moment when I realized that moving home might be exactly what I needed at that point in my life. I realized the need for me to return to my roots before heading into the unknown. To remember what I used to be, to be reminded of the way that I used to think, and to be surrounded by the people and places that made me into the person that I was and still am in many ways.
This time I was entirely right. I did need to come home, I did need to be immersed in this familiar and yet so strange environment, I did need to remember in order to be able to fully look forward.
Things have been happening lately to remind me that so much is still up in the air for me. There is so much in this world that I don't understand, and so much that I have a changed perspective on. As I find myself thinking differently than those around me, I am forced to consider the ways in which these differences are both good and bad. I am forced to consider whether or not the changes I have undergone are good or bad.
Sometimes it's easy for me to read things that my family members say as being opposite to how I think now. I have been realizing lately, though, that this may not be at all the case, but rather, as I interact with those who I interacted with at a different point in my life, I am reminded of the person I used to be. So maybe it's not entirely about me being any different from those around me (although I would say that I am somewhat different than those around me) but rather about the ways in which I view the world differently than I did in high school.
A year ago, if you would have talked to me, you most likely would have heard about my struggle with my faith, how I was coming out of the struggle into a more spacious place, and how I felt as if NW had caused this struggle with unbelief, and how NW was a sketchy school as a result.
This last fall, I went back to NW, delivered from my struggle with doubt. At some point in the midst of that final semester, I changed. Or at least woke up and realized I was different. I guess the simplest way to put it is that I am now okay with all the questions. It is no longer about the strength of my faith...rather, it is about the strength and faithfulness of my God. I am okay with not being certain on the finer points of my doctrine. I am okay with admitting that I don't know for certain whether creation happened in seven days, and I am okay with admitting that I don't know for certain that God handpicked certain people for salvation and others for damnation.
And yet, I hide, afraid of those who would not understand the changes I have undergone. Afraid that in my admission that I am uncertain about certain things, I will be branded a heretic. A wanderer. Lost. Afraid to admit that I am fundamentally unsure about some things. Afraid because I know how I would have judged someone like myself just a few short years ago.
~~~
I remember freshman year at NW, sitting in Introduction to Biblical Studies. I remember being appalled that the professor would even mention the possibility that Genesis 1-11 is not literal. I laugh now...because I understand. Even though I would still tend to think that Genesis 1-11 did indeed happen, how do I know? And, if I believe God's Word to be inspired and infallible, does it really matter? Either way, the stories are powerful, even if they did not literally happen as they are written. Either way, God's character is revealed. My professor was not attacking the character of God or the Truth of His Word. He was simply saying that perhaps the way that we read and interpret the text may be entirely too based on our culture and worldview.
~~~
I remember sophomore year, when I fell from certainty...when life became scary. I remember wondering if I would ever be okay again, if I would ever have a childlike faith again. I wondered if I'd ever be able to talk to God again without wondering if He was even there or listening. I remember the spring semester of 2008, taking Modern Europe, just following my fall from certainty. I remember being terrified that reading the works of those who had "fallen" centuries before me would ruin me as well. I remember being terrified that one day I would wake up and no longer be able to believe.
And so I teetered on the brink, wondering day by day what the next day would bring...swearing I'd never betray my Lord, and that no matter the mental cost, I would hold on... and yet wondering if I had the strength, or if holding on would continue to even remain an option.
I remember assuming that recovering from this spiritual desert would mean a return of my childhood faith.
~~~
I look back now, infinitely more wise. I have learned so much, both through simple life experience and the people I have met at school and at work, and through my time of doubt. First, my faith is NOT the same. I never woke up and got my old faith back. My thought patterns are different. For whatever reason, I am so much less judgmental. I do not look at people and see only their sin. I am less likely to let someone's sin define them. There is so much more I could say about this change, but it'd be a huge rabbit trail. Secondly, I have learned that my faith has so little to do with me. If it had to do with me, I never would have made it out of the desert, and I would no longer have my faith. God is the One who is faithful. God is the one who never lets go. I believe only because He continues to see fit to allow me to see Him.
This time I was entirely right. I did need to come home, I did need to be immersed in this familiar and yet so strange environment, I did need to remember in order to be able to fully look forward.
Things have been happening lately to remind me that so much is still up in the air for me. There is so much in this world that I don't understand, and so much that I have a changed perspective on. As I find myself thinking differently than those around me, I am forced to consider the ways in which these differences are both good and bad. I am forced to consider whether or not the changes I have undergone are good or bad.
Sometimes it's easy for me to read things that my family members say as being opposite to how I think now. I have been realizing lately, though, that this may not be at all the case, but rather, as I interact with those who I interacted with at a different point in my life, I am reminded of the person I used to be. So maybe it's not entirely about me being any different from those around me (although I would say that I am somewhat different than those around me) but rather about the ways in which I view the world differently than I did in high school.
A year ago, if you would have talked to me, you most likely would have heard about my struggle with my faith, how I was coming out of the struggle into a more spacious place, and how I felt as if NW had caused this struggle with unbelief, and how NW was a sketchy school as a result.
This last fall, I went back to NW, delivered from my struggle with doubt. At some point in the midst of that final semester, I changed. Or at least woke up and realized I was different. I guess the simplest way to put it is that I am now okay with all the questions. It is no longer about the strength of my faith...rather, it is about the strength and faithfulness of my God. I am okay with not being certain on the finer points of my doctrine. I am okay with admitting that I don't know for certain whether creation happened in seven days, and I am okay with admitting that I don't know for certain that God handpicked certain people for salvation and others for damnation.
And yet, I hide, afraid of those who would not understand the changes I have undergone. Afraid that in my admission that I am uncertain about certain things, I will be branded a heretic. A wanderer. Lost. Afraid to admit that I am fundamentally unsure about some things. Afraid because I know how I would have judged someone like myself just a few short years ago.
~~~
I remember freshman year at NW, sitting in Introduction to Biblical Studies. I remember being appalled that the professor would even mention the possibility that Genesis 1-11 is not literal. I laugh now...because I understand. Even though I would still tend to think that Genesis 1-11 did indeed happen, how do I know? And, if I believe God's Word to be inspired and infallible, does it really matter? Either way, the stories are powerful, even if they did not literally happen as they are written. Either way, God's character is revealed. My professor was not attacking the character of God or the Truth of His Word. He was simply saying that perhaps the way that we read and interpret the text may be entirely too based on our culture and worldview.
~~~
I remember sophomore year, when I fell from certainty...when life became scary. I remember wondering if I would ever be okay again, if I would ever have a childlike faith again. I wondered if I'd ever be able to talk to God again without wondering if He was even there or listening. I remember the spring semester of 2008, taking Modern Europe, just following my fall from certainty. I remember being terrified that reading the works of those who had "fallen" centuries before me would ruin me as well. I remember being terrified that one day I would wake up and no longer be able to believe.
And so I teetered on the brink, wondering day by day what the next day would bring...swearing I'd never betray my Lord, and that no matter the mental cost, I would hold on... and yet wondering if I had the strength, or if holding on would continue to even remain an option.
I remember assuming that recovering from this spiritual desert would mean a return of my childhood faith.
~~~
I look back now, infinitely more wise. I have learned so much, both through simple life experience and the people I have met at school and at work, and through my time of doubt. First, my faith is NOT the same. I never woke up and got my old faith back. My thought patterns are different. For whatever reason, I am so much less judgmental. I do not look at people and see only their sin. I am less likely to let someone's sin define them. There is so much more I could say about this change, but it'd be a huge rabbit trail. Secondly, I have learned that my faith has so little to do with me. If it had to do with me, I never would have made it out of the desert, and I would no longer have my faith. God is the One who is faithful. God is the one who never lets go. I believe only because He continues to see fit to allow me to see Him.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
coping
Today I worked another 10 hour day, which actually ends up being about a 11.5 hour day including lunch break and driving time. It was slightly better, because I brought something to do in my spare time, and because I was more mentally prepared. Plus, I had a program at 7. A stick bread program. Yummy!
[random side note...it is SO HOT in my room. if it stays like this I will not be sleeping tonight. this makes me sad, because i want to sleep.]
Life isn't particularly fun right now. I'm stuck far between the points in life that I want to be at. College is gone forever now...friends have graduated/are home for the summer. And with the start of my summer job, I no longer have the time that I did have at home to talk on facebook/skype/the phone/whatever. I'm working...what seems like all the time. I'm also 3.5 months away from moving to Washington (which honestly is a good thing - I'm not yet mentally prepared to move thousands of miles away).
[it's still ridiculously hot in this room. I'm doomed.]
i dunno...i'm just sad, and lonely, and needed somewhere to admit that. i don't want to go with the lame facebook status post, so I figured I'd just get it out here... i'm not a fan of my current life situation. i'm not ok with the fact that if i want to have any sort of social life this summer, I will have to find new friends, and I'm not ok with the fact that my college friends are gone forever. i'm not ok with any of it.
[random side note...it is SO HOT in my room. if it stays like this I will not be sleeping tonight. this makes me sad, because i want to sleep.]
Life isn't particularly fun right now. I'm stuck far between the points in life that I want to be at. College is gone forever now...friends have graduated/are home for the summer. And with the start of my summer job, I no longer have the time that I did have at home to talk on facebook/skype/the phone/whatever. I'm working...what seems like all the time. I'm also 3.5 months away from moving to Washington (which honestly is a good thing - I'm not yet mentally prepared to move thousands of miles away).
[it's still ridiculously hot in this room. I'm doomed.]
i dunno...i'm just sad, and lonely, and needed somewhere to admit that. i don't want to go with the lame facebook status post, so I figured I'd just get it out here... i'm not a fan of my current life situation. i'm not ok with the fact that if i want to have any sort of social life this summer, I will have to find new friends, and I'm not ok with the fact that my college friends are gone forever. i'm not ok with any of it.
Friday, May 21, 2010
life is mundane again...
Today was a long, emotionally strenuous but entirely day.
I worked for a couple hours at the daycare to start it off. 45 minutes into it, I was realizing once again why daycare is NOT my life calling. 2 hours and 14 minutes into it, a girl got a bloody nose and it got all over my park shirt.
I also worked a 10 hour shift at Newton Hills. It was not the best of days. I found myself bored for most of it, and wishing that I would have brought my book or SOMETHING to do so I wouldn't have to be losing my mind with boredom. There were 85 bazillion people working (ok, that's not true, but there were 7 of us seasonals for the majority of the time I was there) and so I got stuck in the Welcome Center the ENTIRE shift (except for when I weeded the garden in front of the Welcome Center) up until I went to show my first movie of the season.
I realized today how much I'm going to miss TOD being my only job. Not only am I going to be working like a chicken with my head cut off (in hours, not in amount of calories burned) but I will honestly miss the fact that when I'm on the clock at TOD, I am WORKING. Time flies there because there is rarely a dull moment.
Working at Newton Hills has become somewhat mundane. It's day one, and I have almost the entire summer planned, special events and all. Even the programs are slightly less fun, because it is the 4th or 5th time that I've done some of them.
I'm also the seasonal who has worked there the longest - this will be my third summer. I'm working this summer with a kid I babysat as a high schooler. I'm old.
And, I miss my college friends so much.
I worked for a couple hours at the daycare to start it off. 45 minutes into it, I was realizing once again why daycare is NOT my life calling. 2 hours and 14 minutes into it, a girl got a bloody nose and it got all over my park shirt.
I also worked a 10 hour shift at Newton Hills. It was not the best of days. I found myself bored for most of it, and wishing that I would have brought my book or SOMETHING to do so I wouldn't have to be losing my mind with boredom. There were 85 bazillion people working (ok, that's not true, but there were 7 of us seasonals for the majority of the time I was there) and so I got stuck in the Welcome Center the ENTIRE shift (except for when I weeded the garden in front of the Welcome Center) up until I went to show my first movie of the season.
I realized today how much I'm going to miss TOD being my only job. Not only am I going to be working like a chicken with my head cut off (in hours, not in amount of calories burned) but I will honestly miss the fact that when I'm on the clock at TOD, I am WORKING. Time flies there because there is rarely a dull moment.
Working at Newton Hills has become somewhat mundane. It's day one, and I have almost the entire summer planned, special events and all. Even the programs are slightly less fun, because it is the 4th or 5th time that I've done some of them.
I'm also the seasonal who has worked there the longest - this will be my third summer. I'm working this summer with a kid I babysat as a high schooler. I'm old.
And, I miss my college friends so much.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
realizations
So, today I worked at T.O.D. instead of going to church...not my first choice, but I sorta got manipulated into it and before I realized what had happened my name was on the schedule and it was too late. It is definitely a wise decision if you want to make money. I ran my butt off all day and made $100 for my efforts. I had...let's see...at least 6 tables with over 5 people (one table had 14 people, another had 11, the others were 5-6 people) and sold almost $700 in food. It was insanity, but in a good way. At the end of my shift Jan asked me if I wanted to work more Sundays for them. I declined, although I did say (stupid me) that if they ever needed someone desperately they could ask me and I'd see what I could do. I feel bad asking for their single most busy lunch shift off every week, but because churches around here don't have Saturday night services, I don't feel as if I have much of a choice.
It was fun though. Although I have no desire to waitress for the rest of my life, I do REALLY enjoy it. I love people and there's something incredibly energizing about having the opportunity to serve them. It's stressful, but in a good way. I hope that makes sense... sometimes, it gets stressful in a bad way, but that's only if people are angry or upset with me or if things aren't happening quickly enough.
I've realized that I am one of the best waitresses there, which is a really weird realization for me to come to. Up until now I've always thought of myself as the newbie...but now there are a lot of people working there who have worked there months less than I have. I have started realizing how appreciated I am by my bosses, and how customers actually like to have me as their server instead of questioning me as to where Audrey is (the other lady who works mornings). I am forming relationships (shallow, yes) with the regulars, and I am realizing how valuable I am to the restaurant. They'd be sunk without me, if only because I have more experience than a lot of the others and am more dependable than almost anyone else there. It's a good feeling.
This has confirmed for me once again that my personality is based largely around pleasing people. I am motivated by the knowledge that I am making others happy. I am also incredibly competitive. If you put me into a situation, I strive to be the best. If I don't succeed, I usually do not pursue that activity any more than is absolutely necessary. I am not sure how I feel about this realization. It kinda sucks to realize that my self-worth is tied up in what people think of me. I wish I could be free of that need to please. However, I also believe that this drive to please other people is what has made me so successful in life. It frees me up to have the opportunity to pursue every option until I find the thing that I am truly passionate about. Not only is this an area where I have won the approval of others, but I also truly love it. Combining these two factors makes studying history something that I am ready to do for the rest of my life.
Thank you, T.O.D. for confirming this for me. :)
It was fun though. Although I have no desire to waitress for the rest of my life, I do REALLY enjoy it. I love people and there's something incredibly energizing about having the opportunity to serve them. It's stressful, but in a good way. I hope that makes sense... sometimes, it gets stressful in a bad way, but that's only if people are angry or upset with me or if things aren't happening quickly enough.
I've realized that I am one of the best waitresses there, which is a really weird realization for me to come to. Up until now I've always thought of myself as the newbie...but now there are a lot of people working there who have worked there months less than I have. I have started realizing how appreciated I am by my bosses, and how customers actually like to have me as their server instead of questioning me as to where Audrey is (the other lady who works mornings). I am forming relationships (shallow, yes) with the regulars, and I am realizing how valuable I am to the restaurant. They'd be sunk without me, if only because I have more experience than a lot of the others and am more dependable than almost anyone else there. It's a good feeling.
This has confirmed for me once again that my personality is based largely around pleasing people. I am motivated by the knowledge that I am making others happy. I am also incredibly competitive. If you put me into a situation, I strive to be the best. If I don't succeed, I usually do not pursue that activity any more than is absolutely necessary. I am not sure how I feel about this realization. It kinda sucks to realize that my self-worth is tied up in what people think of me. I wish I could be free of that need to please. However, I also believe that this drive to please other people is what has made me so successful in life. It frees me up to have the opportunity to pursue every option until I find the thing that I am truly passionate about. Not only is this an area where I have won the approval of others, but I also truly love it. Combining these two factors makes studying history something that I am ready to do for the rest of my life.
Thank you, T.O.D. for confirming this for me. :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
life is not simple, i am not awesome, things are sometimes not black and white
Alright. Major venting session coming, get ready.
There are a few things that I feel compelled to share with the world this evening.
1) without being completely self-deprecating, i would like to inform anyone who might be interested that i am far from having anything together. i am not very spiritual, not very in-tune with God, and i don't have many answers for anything...even those things I have direct experience in.
2) life is not simple and the rules aren't always crystal clear, at least to me. From my perspective at least, the world isn't always easily explainable. God isn't always obviously present, and sometimes I don't even know if He's there at all. I am working to refrain from attempting to "know" anything but for the fact that God is holy, I am not, and my calling is to attempt to love and worship Him with my life.
3) it may be true that all things will work together for the good, and I believe this. however, not every day is lollipops and roses. even when I may appear to have it all together and be perfectly happy, this may not be the case. i love my job, but I do NOT always love my job. sometimes i get really frustrated with the way that life seems so futile, so heartbreaking, so hopeless. and i resent easy answers.
4) sometimes i am not a huge fan of rehashing things 10 million times, even if they are true. i understand that what you are saying is true, but at the moment it's not what i want to hear. so please stop reciting your easy answers to my life difficulties and simply offer a listening ear. if you want to understand me, understand this: sometimes i need to vent my frustrations, knowing full well that in spite of my frustration God is in control and He is good.
There are a few things that I feel compelled to share with the world this evening.
1) without being completely self-deprecating, i would like to inform anyone who might be interested that i am far from having anything together. i am not very spiritual, not very in-tune with God, and i don't have many answers for anything...even those things I have direct experience in.
2) life is not simple and the rules aren't always crystal clear, at least to me. From my perspective at least, the world isn't always easily explainable. God isn't always obviously present, and sometimes I don't even know if He's there at all. I am working to refrain from attempting to "know" anything but for the fact that God is holy, I am not, and my calling is to attempt to love and worship Him with my life.
3) it may be true that all things will work together for the good, and I believe this. however, not every day is lollipops and roses. even when I may appear to have it all together and be perfectly happy, this may not be the case. i love my job, but I do NOT always love my job. sometimes i get really frustrated with the way that life seems so futile, so heartbreaking, so hopeless. and i resent easy answers.
4) sometimes i am not a huge fan of rehashing things 10 million times, even if they are true. i understand that what you are saying is true, but at the moment it's not what i want to hear. so please stop reciting your easy answers to my life difficulties and simply offer a listening ear. if you want to understand me, understand this: sometimes i need to vent my frustrations, knowing full well that in spite of my frustration God is in control and He is good.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
my not-so-mundane life
The more I write this blog, the more I realize how false the idea was that I was leading a mundane life. Yeah, I live in Hicktown, SD, with no social life and a job as a waitress at a boring truck stop in the middle of nowhere, but my life is very very colorful, and becomes more colorful with each passing day.
Twenty-four hours ago I was thinking that at this time today I would be in Wyoming or Montana, preparing to go find a two bedroom apartment in Bellingham. Now I am at home preparing to work a ton of shifts at T.O.D. (they are going to give me my hours back! :D) I have an entirely new list of apartments to consider, one bedrooms and studios, and am contemplating the possibility that I may very well be alone in Bellingham. My financial security is gone, and I feel as if I will be jumping off a very large cliff of faith in four months.
In addition, my life is anything but mundane, even here at home. I have a list of about eight billion things to do today, many of them directly related to my move across the country this fall. I got a passport photo taken today (with me having a very large zit in the middle of my chin, how attractive) so that I can visit Vancouver/British Columbia after I move. I am planning to call realtors today. I am planning to call WWU and find out about on-campus housing. My life is ever changing and anything but mundane.
Almost 24 hours ago now, I was freaking out, completely stressed and wondering what on earth was happening. Within hours, God came through, showing me His providence and faithfulness. He has His hand on my life, and He will continue to be faithful, even when I don't always see it right away.
Twenty-four hours ago I was thinking that at this time today I would be in Wyoming or Montana, preparing to go find a two bedroom apartment in Bellingham. Now I am at home preparing to work a ton of shifts at T.O.D. (they are going to give me my hours back! :D) I have an entirely new list of apartments to consider, one bedrooms and studios, and am contemplating the possibility that I may very well be alone in Bellingham. My financial security is gone, and I feel as if I will be jumping off a very large cliff of faith in four months.
In addition, my life is anything but mundane, even here at home. I have a list of about eight billion things to do today, many of them directly related to my move across the country this fall. I got a passport photo taken today (with me having a very large zit in the middle of my chin, how attractive) so that I can visit Vancouver/British Columbia after I move. I am planning to call realtors today. I am planning to call WWU and find out about on-campus housing. My life is ever changing and anything but mundane.
Almost 24 hours ago now, I was freaking out, completely stressed and wondering what on earth was happening. Within hours, God came through, showing me His providence and faithfulness. He has His hand on my life, and He will continue to be faithful, even when I don't always see it right away.
Monday, May 10, 2010
how quickly life changes
Two days ago I was planning a whirlwind trip to Washington to search for apartments. Two days ago I had two roommates completely on board to move across the country with me. Two days ago life was perfect and I saw no good reason to claim that my life was anything but perfect. After all, who gets to move across the country with two of their best friends?
Well, it turns out that this will no longer be happening. No trip to Bellingham, and most likely no roommates. I can't wait around till they find jobs, and they can't move without having jobs. And so I cancel plans to visit my future home and instead begin the journey all over again - this time searching for one bedroom or studio apartments that are as cheap as humanly possible...it's the only way I will make this work. In a depressing way, I'm somewhat optimistic. I'm devastated that my carefully laid plans have blown away in what has amounted not much more than 24 hours, and I'm scared out of my mind to move alone to a city that I will have never visited before arriving for the start of classes. However, God has the whole world in His hands, and it is strangely relieving to be on my own...to not have to worry about roommates not finding jobs or suddenly needing to move away. It is relieving to know that I can make my own decision and not need to worry at all about other styles of doing things. It is relieving to know that when I leave Bellingham in two years I won't have to worry about offending my roommates, because I probably won't have roommates. And it is also relieving to realize that I will finally have my dream of starting completely over. No one needs to know my past heartbreaks, and I don't need to worry about being called Hitler (even if it is only a joke). I will be nameless and faceless in a city where I will have nothing to do except to pour myself wholly into my studies. I will have my own room, my own space, and my own life.
I will also be significantly more alone, more vulnerable, and I will miss my friends' presence like crazy. After all, the convenience of having one's own space is easily foregone if it means living with close friends. Silence can become deafening when it is one's only reality.
And so I begin planning anew, filled with a bittersweet optimism. God knows what He's doing, and He knows what I need. He holds my heart, He counts my tears, and His ways are better than my ways.
I will survive in this new place, I know I will. I will do whatever it takes to make it work, because this is my dream. I believe this to be my calling, and although I will give this dream back to God in a heartbeat if he calls me to such a decision, I believe that I am being called to study history, and I cannot wait to do so in a place such as Washington.
Alone or with others, I will go, God willing.
Well, it turns out that this will no longer be happening. No trip to Bellingham, and most likely no roommates. I can't wait around till they find jobs, and they can't move without having jobs. And so I cancel plans to visit my future home and instead begin the journey all over again - this time searching for one bedroom or studio apartments that are as cheap as humanly possible...it's the only way I will make this work. In a depressing way, I'm somewhat optimistic. I'm devastated that my carefully laid plans have blown away in what has amounted not much more than 24 hours, and I'm scared out of my mind to move alone to a city that I will have never visited before arriving for the start of classes. However, God has the whole world in His hands, and it is strangely relieving to be on my own...to not have to worry about roommates not finding jobs or suddenly needing to move away. It is relieving to know that I can make my own decision and not need to worry at all about other styles of doing things. It is relieving to know that when I leave Bellingham in two years I won't have to worry about offending my roommates, because I probably won't have roommates. And it is also relieving to realize that I will finally have my dream of starting completely over. No one needs to know my past heartbreaks, and I don't need to worry about being called Hitler (even if it is only a joke). I will be nameless and faceless in a city where I will have nothing to do except to pour myself wholly into my studies. I will have my own room, my own space, and my own life.
I will also be significantly more alone, more vulnerable, and I will miss my friends' presence like crazy. After all, the convenience of having one's own space is easily foregone if it means living with close friends. Silence can become deafening when it is one's only reality.
And so I begin planning anew, filled with a bittersweet optimism. God knows what He's doing, and He knows what I need. He holds my heart, He counts my tears, and His ways are better than my ways.
I will survive in this new place, I know I will. I will do whatever it takes to make it work, because this is my dream. I believe this to be my calling, and although I will give this dream back to God in a heartbeat if he calls me to such a decision, I believe that I am being called to study history, and I cannot wait to do so in a place such as Washington.
Alone or with others, I will go, God willing.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
yesterday, today, tomorrow, and most likely next week = sucky
I graduated yesterday, and it was not a good day.
But first I hung out for a few days. :)
Thursday afternoon I arrived around 3. We went to get 25 cent donuts, which of course they had run out of by the time we arrived. That's ok, though, 'cause one of my friends has a boyfriend now! :) Thursday night we went to the nursing pinning ceremony and had cake afterward. Then I went to the music building and played piano for a while because all of my friends were packing. Then I came back to the apt and we hung out for a long time, until 3 am, talking and enjoying life in the moment.
Friday morning we were up bright and early for grad practice. That was fun and a half, not. Then we moved the apt furniture back to its original location, and then Rachel and I watched survivor, which was insanely depressing, btw. Soon it was time for Rachel and I to go to an honors ceremony, which was kinda weird and awkward. Then everyone went out to eat with their families...so I chilled at the apt with Carrie and her family for a while (they didn't go out to eat). Then baccalaureate. Then the party, which was actually at on of fun. By that time I was very sleep deprived so I was slightly more hyper than normal but that's ok, it was fun. Then we headed back to the apt and just hung out for a while. It was so bittersweet, because i knew that once I went to bed it would all be over. Eventually, though, we were all so exhausted we were falling asleep, so we headed to bed. :(
Yesterday stunk. I survived the graduation ceremony, but afterward was SO HARD! I didn't want to say goodbye, at all. But say goodbye I did. My family went to Red Robin afterward. Then I went home.
But first I hung out for a few days. :)
Thursday afternoon I arrived around 3. We went to get 25 cent donuts, which of course they had run out of by the time we arrived. That's ok, though, 'cause one of my friends has a boyfriend now! :) Thursday night we went to the nursing pinning ceremony and had cake afterward. Then I went to the music building and played piano for a while because all of my friends were packing. Then I came back to the apt and we hung out for a long time, until 3 am, talking and enjoying life in the moment.
Friday morning we were up bright and early for grad practice. That was fun and a half, not. Then we moved the apt furniture back to its original location, and then Rachel and I watched survivor, which was insanely depressing, btw. Soon it was time for Rachel and I to go to an honors ceremony, which was kinda weird and awkward. Then everyone went out to eat with their families...so I chilled at the apt with Carrie and her family for a while (they didn't go out to eat). Then baccalaureate. Then the party, which was actually at on of fun. By that time I was very sleep deprived so I was slightly more hyper than normal but that's ok, it was fun. Then we headed back to the apt and just hung out for a while. It was so bittersweet, because i knew that once I went to bed it would all be over. Eventually, though, we were all so exhausted we were falling asleep, so we headed to bed. :(
Yesterday stunk. I survived the graduation ceremony, but afterward was SO HARD! I didn't want to say goodbye, at all. But say goodbye I did. My family went to Red Robin afterward. Then I went home.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
"congratulations!" "thaaaaaanks."
I walked today. It was graduation day. I graduated. Of course, I graduated months ago, but cruel life forced me to relive it again. And relive it I did. Funny thing is, it wasn't nearly so hard to graduate for real as it was for fake.
As the tears came today, I realized how very much I was grateful for those tears. The tears proved to me that it was real...that the bonds I formed are true, and that I will never be the same because of these past 4 years. Those are my sisters, my brothers. They are the ones with whom I have lived, laughed, loved, and learned. They are the ones who were with me as I found myself, as I found my calling, and as I became a woman rather than a child. They are the ones who understand me the best because they watched me change and understand the forces that brought that change. They are the ones with whom I cried, with whom I grieved, and with whom I made agonizingly hard decisions. They are the ones with whom I plotted, with whom I pranked, and with whom I Christmas caroled in August. They are the ones who stood by me in my best and in my worst, in the good times, and in the bad times. We became one sometime along the way, and today was incredibly painful as a result of this wonderful fact.
I found my calling at Northwestern. I found my passions and I pursued them. I found myself. And yet, it is the friendships that I formed - indeed, the family I gained, that is what I most treasure about my Northwestern experience.
Today I cried. And I am so grateful that I did.
As the tears came today, I realized how very much I was grateful for those tears. The tears proved to me that it was real...that the bonds I formed are true, and that I will never be the same because of these past 4 years. Those are my sisters, my brothers. They are the ones with whom I have lived, laughed, loved, and learned. They are the ones who were with me as I found myself, as I found my calling, and as I became a woman rather than a child. They are the ones who understand me the best because they watched me change and understand the forces that brought that change. They are the ones with whom I cried, with whom I grieved, and with whom I made agonizingly hard decisions. They are the ones with whom I plotted, with whom I pranked, and with whom I Christmas caroled in August. They are the ones who stood by me in my best and in my worst, in the good times, and in the bad times. We became one sometime along the way, and today was incredibly painful as a result of this wonderful fact.
I found my calling at Northwestern. I found my passions and I pursued them. I found myself. And yet, it is the friendships that I formed - indeed, the family I gained, that is what I most treasure about my Northwestern experience.
Today I cried. And I am so grateful that I did.
Friday, May 7, 2010
It is ending. Tonight is the last night, tomorrow the last morning. I am so sad. It's making me intensely fatigued just thinking about it. Melancholy, sweet melancholy, in the words of my dear friend Rachel...although not really so sweet. More bitter than sweet. It's over. They're all leaving... I don't even know how to handle this knowledge. We won't be together like this again...the bonds that we have formed will be sorely tested, and this season of life is gone forever.
I have been changed by this place. I have gained so many new sisters and brothers, and I love them so much. I will miss this support system and this life so much. I truly made OC home and now I must leave...the challenge will be to give myself fully to the next place without wishing that I could have my college years back.
I must make it through tonight without dying.
I have been changed by this place. I have gained so many new sisters and brothers, and I love them so much. I will miss this support system and this life so much. I truly made OC home and now I must leave...the challenge will be to give myself fully to the next place without wishing that I could have my college years back.
I must make it through tonight without dying.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
no more wishful thinking
Sometimes it's hard to not long for that which I do not have. It's hard to accept that God has me where I am and how I am for a specific reason. It's so hard to simply live for today and let tomorrow happen as God has it.
I'm getting to an age where it is becoming more and more awkward to say that I'm still hopelessly single... sorry, relatives...no boyfriend for me. It's hard sometimes, I'm not gonna lie. It is getting easier as I get used to the idea of being single indefinitely, but there are still moments where I wish things were different. Friends pair off, and I find myself still flying solo. Hopelessly solo. However, I have realized lately the wisdom in this, and the opportunities I have as a single woman that I would not have if I were married with children. I have also realized that I need to be ok with today as it is, and not wish that today was different. Today is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. I should not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. If only I could learn to live wholly in today, not regretting yesterday or dreading tomorrow.
I'm getting to an age where it is becoming more and more awkward to say that I'm still hopelessly single... sorry, relatives...no boyfriend for me. It's hard sometimes, I'm not gonna lie. It is getting easier as I get used to the idea of being single indefinitely, but there are still moments where I wish things were different. Friends pair off, and I find myself still flying solo. Hopelessly solo. However, I have realized lately the wisdom in this, and the opportunities I have as a single woman that I would not have if I were married with children. I have also realized that I need to be ok with today as it is, and not wish that today was different. Today is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. I should not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. If only I could learn to live wholly in today, not regretting yesterday or dreading tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
the summer draws near.
Today was my last day subbing as a middle school science teacher. Bittersweet...I really enjoyed my days subbing there. I have a couple days opening at T.O.D. before I head back to NW for graduation weekend. AHHHHHHHHHH! NOT OK!
Next week Bekah, Sarah and I are leaving on our road trip to look at apartments. I'm getting really excited for that.
My life is going to be insane this summer. I am getting myself mentally prepared for a lot of working...but there's also going to be a lot of fun going on. I'm actually very excited about the summer. I'm going to be working so much that I won't exactly have time to miss a social life. And, I'm going to the Boundary Waters in August!!! I'm so excited for August. It is going to be a rocking month. And September is going to be the "marilee's life changes dramatically in a good way" month. So, I just have to make it through the rest of May, and then June and July. :)
Next week Bekah, Sarah and I are leaving on our road trip to look at apartments. I'm getting really excited for that.
My life is going to be insane this summer. I am getting myself mentally prepared for a lot of working...but there's also going to be a lot of fun going on. I'm actually very excited about the summer. I'm going to be working so much that I won't exactly have time to miss a social life. And, I'm going to the Boundary Waters in August!!! I'm so excited for August. It is going to be a rocking month. And September is going to be the "marilee's life changes dramatically in a good way" month. So, I just have to make it through the rest of May, and then June and July. :)
Monday, May 3, 2010
the end is coming near
It's getting frighteningly real. In only four days it'll be over. I don't even know how to deal with that fact. I don't know how to deal with the fact that in four days this group of people will splinter and go our separate ways. I have a great summer planned - another 3.5 months at Newton Hills and a trip to the Boundary Waters in August with my church youth group. I am moving out west in September. Life is good...but it is soured by the sad truth that my best friends are going away in a few short days. Life is crazy. I'm numb, almost. Is it possible that I must lose them all?
Work today was good. I was actually thanked for all my hard work...which made me happy because it means that they like me. Hahahaha I need to stop being a people pleaser but it's just so fun!!! I didn't make anywhere near $90 today, but I wasn't expecting to. In fact it would have STUNK if I was able to make anywhere near that amount, because it would have meant insane busyness. Lunch was pretty insane today, though. For a while I thought I was going to fall hopelessly behind and tick off a bunch of people. Luckily I managed to avoid that.
Tonight has been pretty fun. We ordered pizza, went to Black V, I went to the music building to play piano for a while, a bunch of us went to the library (I brought my backpack and felt like an impostor), and soon we will be...er...going for a walk through town to look at tulips. It has been weird though because everyone and their mom is studying for finals, so I am sorta flying solo. That's okay, though. I am in much better spirits than I was two days ago, so it is easier to have down time.
Work today was good. I was actually thanked for all my hard work...which made me happy because it means that they like me. Hahahaha I need to stop being a people pleaser but it's just so fun!!! I didn't make anywhere near $90 today, but I wasn't expecting to. In fact it would have STUNK if I was able to make anywhere near that amount, because it would have meant insane busyness. Lunch was pretty insane today, though. For a while I thought I was going to fall hopelessly behind and tick off a bunch of people. Luckily I managed to avoid that.
Tonight has been pretty fun. We ordered pizza, went to Black V, I went to the music building to play piano for a while, a bunch of us went to the library (I brought my backpack and felt like an impostor), and soon we will be...er...going for a walk through town to look at tulips. It has been weird though because everyone and their mom is studying for finals, so I am sorta flying solo. That's okay, though. I am in much better spirits than I was two days ago, so it is easier to have down time.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
another life update
Let's see...what has Marilee been up to lately?
1) 5th grade band contest. I accompanied the 5th grade brass players at their contest on Saturday. That was a ton of fun. So I have been spending a fair amount of time lately rehearsing with them and then going to the actual contest on Saturday.
2) frequent visits to NW. Pretty much whenever I have an evening and the next morning off from work I go to NW. This has been fabulous. Last night I was there, and it was so much fun. We went grocery shopping, ate at the caf (I brought my own food hahaha), saw Carrie in RUSH, cooked food, went to the park and took pictures, played Sardines, and spent a fair amount of time just hanging out and talking. I will miss NW a lot.
3) Work. I have been working a lot - 30-35 hours at the restaurant plus 1 or 2 afternoons a week of subbing middle school science. It adds up to working every day for weeks on end, which I'm actually okay with because I still have time to sneak away for sleepovers in apt 231. :) Tonight in particular was a crazy night at T.O.D...I was the only waitress (the other girl was sick again) and so got all the tables and all the tips. $90 in 6.25 hours, not bad. That's only tips...not counting the $2 or so I'll make after taxes from the restaurant.
There is only one more week until graduation. Under a week actually. This is crazy...in four days I'll be heading to NW for the last time... In six days I will have officially walked across the stage... In eight days I will be headed to WA to check out apartments. It's so crazy...time is starting to move so quickly. I have completed 4.5 months of the 9 that I have at home. September seems so far away, but it's really not. Before I know it I'll be leaving. That is kinda scary. But kinda awesome too.
1) 5th grade band contest. I accompanied the 5th grade brass players at their contest on Saturday. That was a ton of fun. So I have been spending a fair amount of time lately rehearsing with them and then going to the actual contest on Saturday.
2) frequent visits to NW. Pretty much whenever I have an evening and the next morning off from work I go to NW. This has been fabulous. Last night I was there, and it was so much fun. We went grocery shopping, ate at the caf (I brought my own food hahaha), saw Carrie in RUSH, cooked food, went to the park and took pictures, played Sardines, and spent a fair amount of time just hanging out and talking. I will miss NW a lot.
3) Work. I have been working a lot - 30-35 hours at the restaurant plus 1 or 2 afternoons a week of subbing middle school science. It adds up to working every day for weeks on end, which I'm actually okay with because I still have time to sneak away for sleepovers in apt 231. :) Tonight in particular was a crazy night at T.O.D...I was the only waitress (the other girl was sick again) and so got all the tables and all the tips. $90 in 6.25 hours, not bad. That's only tips...not counting the $2 or so I'll make after taxes from the restaurant.
There is only one more week until graduation. Under a week actually. This is crazy...in four days I'll be heading to NW for the last time... In six days I will have officially walked across the stage... In eight days I will be headed to WA to check out apartments. It's so crazy...time is starting to move so quickly. I have completed 4.5 months of the 9 that I have at home. September seems so far away, but it's really not. Before I know it I'll be leaving. That is kinda scary. But kinda awesome too.
things I have learned since going to college 4 years ago...
1) not all friends don't care about you as much as you care about them. the craziest part is when you have friends who care more about you than you care about them.
2) life isn't black and white. republican isn't always right, democrat isn't always wrong. i'm not sure what I believe about certain things anymore, (not only politically but also theologically) and I have to be okay with that, even if others think I'm a back-sliding liberal heathen.
3) sometimes the hardest times are the times when one grows the most. adversity draws me to God and refines my relationship with Him.
4) i may never get married, and that is actually very much okay, as long as I am enjoying the journey of following God wherever he takes me. i am blessed to be pursuing a career about which I am truly passionate and i wouldn't change my current relationship status for the world if it meant the inability to follow my dreams.
5) reconciliation doesn't always work. Growing up I would handle conflict by talking to that person about it and apologizing/explaining what happened. They would reciprocate and life would return to normal. the most heartbreaking thing, and perhaps one of the most life-changing things i learned while in college is that when someone is convinced that they are right, it is nearly impossible to communicate with that person in an effort toward reconciliation. one has to be okay with knowing that one did all that was humanly possible to make things right, and to leave it there.
6) it is possible to mourn someone who has not died as if they have died...and the grieving process can take an incredibly long time...perhaps longer than if they HAD died. because the fact is, they're still alive.
7) no one is ever right. sin is always present. this is perhaps the largest truth I have learned, and the single most life changing truth.
2) life isn't black and white. republican isn't always right, democrat isn't always wrong. i'm not sure what I believe about certain things anymore, (not only politically but also theologically) and I have to be okay with that, even if others think I'm a back-sliding liberal heathen.
3) sometimes the hardest times are the times when one grows the most. adversity draws me to God and refines my relationship with Him.
4) i may never get married, and that is actually very much okay, as long as I am enjoying the journey of following God wherever he takes me. i am blessed to be pursuing a career about which I am truly passionate and i wouldn't change my current relationship status for the world if it meant the inability to follow my dreams.
5) reconciliation doesn't always work. Growing up I would handle conflict by talking to that person about it and apologizing/explaining what happened. They would reciprocate and life would return to normal. the most heartbreaking thing, and perhaps one of the most life-changing things i learned while in college is that when someone is convinced that they are right, it is nearly impossible to communicate with that person in an effort toward reconciliation. one has to be okay with knowing that one did all that was humanly possible to make things right, and to leave it there.
6) it is possible to mourn someone who has not died as if they have died...and the grieving process can take an incredibly long time...perhaps longer than if they HAD died. because the fact is, they're still alive.
7) no one is ever right. sin is always present. this is perhaps the largest truth I have learned, and the single most life changing truth.
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