Thursday, September 30, 2010

getting to real life

I think I've come to a place of belonging. I no longer gape at my surroundings like a kid in a candy factory. I am no longer terrified that I'll get on the wrong bus and become hopelessly lost in a city I don't completely understand. One-way streets are ceasing to inspire fear and confusion in me. I have even gone grocery shopping for the second time. Life is settling down to a new normal.

Reality also has set in in the form of homework. For the past three days, all I have done is homework. From the time my body wakes itself up before my alarm (crazy, right?) to the late hour that I finally allow myself to get some rest, I am either working on homework or performing necessary tasks in order to maintain my ability to do homework (thank you Marx?). It's not as if I'm completely focused on homework all of the time - the internet is a welcome diversion - and there are times when I take a break to have a much needed phone conversation with friends. However, my days are focused on homework in their entirety. I know it's time to go to bed when I have [hopefully] finished all necessary homework for the given day.

How do I feel about this new [albeit familiar] normal?

I love it. There are moments when I wish I had free time, but there are many more moments when the work that I am doing makes me feel absolutely alive. Last night I had one of those moments. I won't go into the messy details for those of you who could care less about the labors of an aspiring historian, but suffice it to say that I was insanely hyper, giddy, etc., at the opportunity to draw my own conclusions from a source and then compare it to another source.

A few things I have learned since coming to Bellingham:
1) Riding a bike down a hill in the rain and attempting to make a sharp turn at the bottom with brakes that are less than satisfactory can easily result in a spill... [don't worry, Mom, I'm fine.]
2) If you're looking for a cheap and not very effective but better-than-nothing way of heating an apartment, leaving the oven door open after finishing baking something works (as long as you have already shut the oven off before doing so).
3) People are people. Especially in the context of American culture. Much could be made of the differences between home and here, but at the end of the day, it has been incredibly simple to assimilate into this "culture."

I have found a church, I do believe. It's the one I wrote about in a previous post. It's small, the people love each other, and I felt very welcome there. More importantly, they are focused on God's Word and reaching out to a lost world. I feel some pressure to find a place where I can play piano, but to be honest, at this point, I don't really care. I would love to be involved with the worship team at my new church, but all in its time. At this point, I must be completely honest and say that my experience playing piano at my home church burned me out a little. I loved it, and it's not that I didn't like the act of playing piano. I did feel uncomfortable about the attention that it brought, though. It bothered me a great deal that I was a lot of the time the only person accompanying the songs, because I felt as if sometimes the focus was placed solely on me and my talents rather than on the act of worshiping God. If I am involved on a worship team in the future, I want the focus to be completely removed from the worship team...so that I am able to be used by God and yet remain completely out of the spot light.

I have a feeling my life will radically change during my time here, in one way or another. I am excited about the changes, because they will no doubt play a role in shaping me into the person God wants me to be.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

a basic problem

I've been reading Marx lately. No comment on that, but it does help to explain why I am thinking on the topic of economic systems.

I just wanted to put this out there.

It is a true tragedy that over the course of time we have succeeded in blinding ourselves to this horrible truth: in order for one to get richer, another must become poorer.

That, I think, is my problem with capitalism. It seems to suggest, at least in practice, that the goal of life is to accumulate as much wealth as possible, and this is done through taking it from others. As a Christian, how am I to deal with this?

Friday, September 24, 2010

Campus Christian Fellowship

Tonight I decided to check out the first meeting of CCF. I had no idea what they were and what they do except that it is a Christian organization on campus that meets on Friday evenings. I was picturing 20 or 25 folding chairs circled up in a dimly lit empty room where a few brave souls come out of the woodwork and meet weekly to talk about God.

WRONG.

I showed up, and quickly realized this is a big deal. It was in a huge lecture hall, and the place was PACKED. This room is the biggest lecture hall on campus, and they've outgrown it, so they are using another smaller lecture hall downstairs as well. Two rooms packed full of Christians eager to worship.

I walked in, feeling like I had come home. People were insanely welcoming, and I met so many friendly, beautifully vibrant people. I realized immediately the difference between this place and the Christian college I attended for my undergrad - these people are serious. They come to this place out of a need to meet with like-minded people. They come to worship, and they come in refuel in their quest to bring Christ to the lost on campus. There weren't debates on obscure matters of theology, there weren't a bunch of cliques coming together to pretend to have community. These people love each other, and they are committed to bringing Christ to the lost.

THIS has been my heart cry every since getting here. THIS is what I came here for. I desire to live out my faith in a radical, real way. I desire to step away from questioning and an inward faith unaccompanied by works. I desire to bring Christ to my unsaved colleagues in the history department. I desire to be used by God in an act of worship to Him.

I'm not sure if I was even supposed to be there as a graduate student, or if other graduate students go. I didn't meet any. It doesn't even matter though, because tonight I was reminded in a powerful way of my calling as a believer in Jesus Christ.

To go.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

i'm home

I've come home. On so many levels. You ask me how I'm liking it here? I love it. I was walking home today for lunch, and I was grinning ear to ear like a giddy schoolgirl the whole way.

Life is just...good. I love this place and its beauty, I love being a history grad student, I love being a TA. I love buying textbooks again, and I love the people here.

There aren't really words for the way that I feel. It's just this incredible peace and exhilarating energy that I feel comes from God. I am so excited to be here, to serve God in this place. I didn't know that I had it in me to so fully embrace a new place and a new group of people. I love my friends from back home and I look back fondly on my college experience. But, with each passing hour here, I become more and more convinced that the best part of my life may be yet to come. :)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

a new world: fragments

It's a new world here. Little about my undergraduate experience could have prepared me for this.

I went through new grad student orientation and then new TA training today. I was struck immediately by the fact that little compares to my Northwestern experience save perhaps the fact that I am studying history at each place. It's overwhelming, but in a good way.

People are very charismatic here. There is little social awkwardness, and by the end of the pizza party at Whatcom Falls Park this evening I feel like I have found a new group of friends. People are not afraid to come up and introduce themselves, and there is a camaraderie that I was not expecting to find.

All of the TAs have a huge office that we share - I get my own desk, which is very exciting! I will be able to study there and hang out there for much of the day, and I'm hoping to get most if not all of my homework done on campus.

The people here come from all over the country. I met a girl from New Mexico, a guy from Chicago, another guy from Texas, another girl from here in Bellingham, a guy from Idaho...the list goes on. People have all sorts of different stories, but we all share one thing in common - we love history.

I still don't know what I'll be doing exactly - I guess I am supposed to just show up at class tomorrow & meet the professor then. I feel like I'm jumping blindly off a cliff... I don't have a clue what's going on.

I'm also completely aware of how hard it will be to be a committed Christian in this world. But this is what I came here for - to bring God to a place from which He has been removed.

Monday, September 20, 2010

aspirations of the internet-less grad student

I am definitely discovering the beauty of life without wireless at home. My first few days here I didn't know if I'd be able to survive without that connection to the outside world, but I have discovered an incredible peace that comes with coming home at night and knowing that I have the entire evening to just relax, to read, to listen to music, to clean, to cook, whatever. No internet to distract me, and if I want to talk to someone, there's always the phone. But with the time difference between here and back home, by 8:00 or so, that's not really an option anymore either. So I get to just relax. It's nice.

I started re-reading Bread and Wine last night. It's a 1930s novel that I was assigned in my Modern Europe class in college. At the time, we were reading it looking for religious overtones, since the class was about faith and doubt in modern civilization. It's nice to read it again, without that focus in mind. It is such a good book, and I missed that entirely when I was combing it looking for references to doubt.

I've also been playing ridiculous amounts of Super Nintendo. It's crazy how fun it can be to take nintendo to the perfectionist level and try to find all the secret levels or capture ALL the coins on a given level. Haha...

So, the library here is TWO buildings. Confusing anyone? Yes. But I guess that's a good sign - it means it's big. And I like big. :) Book checkout is three months for grad students... life score! And, they have a DVD section, so I can check out movies to watch...another way to occupy my internet-free existence. :)

Life is good.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Church Hunt

So in my last post I updated you briefly on my experience at the first church I tried. Now for my Sunday morning experience.

This morning I decided to attend the Evangelical Free Church here in town. It's a pretty small church in a pretty humble building, so I figured it'd offer me a slightly different perspective from the large church I attended last night.

Wow, was I right. If I was looking for something similar to home, though, this place was not the place to go. Built close to the water, it is on the north side of town. Getting there was no issue, but as I drove down the one-way street that led me there, I realized getting back home might be another story.

I walked into the building & realized it was larger than I was expecting it to be. Although the auditorium was by no means filled with chairs, they do have room to grow, at least as far as the sanctuary is concerned. This church also had a stage, although it was significantly less showy than the first church. I picked up a bulletin from the front table - no greeters here - and went to find a place to sit down. At 10 the service started with the worship team - nothing out of the ordinary. No piano on stage though - so either they don't have a piano, or they do but have no one to play it. ;)

When the service started the sanctuary was quite empty and I was wondering how they manage to keep their doors open with so few people, but people quickly came in and filled in many of the empty spots.

I was immediately struck by the low-key atmosphere. There was no attempt to put on a good show, no attempt to be professional, and little or no barrier between the person up front and the people in the pews.

When the pastor got up to preach, he realized he had forgotten his sermon notes in his office...so he walked out of the sanctuary to go get them. It was quite the moment, let me tell you. Every laughed and joked & it was really quite amusing. Throughout the sermon, the pastor cracked numerous jokes, often including members of the congregation in the fun, and no one was shy - many would joke right back at him. It was a small enough church that although the pastor had a mic, when the ushers came up to take the offering, one of them prayed without a microphone.

I guess this church is planning to move somewhere else in Bellingham where they will be able to have more of an impact on the community. They are already on the outskirts of town, so I am assuming that they are going to be attempting to move closer to the heart of the city, but I could be wrong. They have already started signing the paperwork and everything, although they don't know where they are going.

I liked this church. It was small, much smaller than even my home church, but the people had an obvious bond, and everyone seemed to not take themselves too seriously. Also, there was a huge push for evangelism it seemed - especially with the upcoming move in mind. These people seem to truly desire to reach their community with the Gospel.

So, I might keep going there for now, and hopefully plug into one of their small groups. It wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but when I was there, I found myself feeling surprisingly at home.

9.18.10

Tonight I started digging through one of the crates of stuff I brought here: memories of by-gone days in the form of CDs and DVDs full of pictures and videos. Maybe it was a mistake. The first DVD I popped into my laptop was the NWC Symphonic Band Tour to Mexico from 2007. Memories began crashing back, reminding me of the simple joys of my early college days. A few shots of NW's campus covered in snow reminded me of the place and people I will always carry with me.

I was also struck by the simple fact that although I complained every step of the way about long rehearsals and “selling my soul” to the music department, my days in the Symphonic Band were not wasted. I will NEVER forget those days – I loved being a part of that ensemble and will miss it as long as I live.

I'm happy here, but my heart yearns for the people I left behind. I miss my college friends intensely, and wish so badly that thousands of miles did not separate us. Sometimes I look back on my college days and mourn the fact that it's over. Because truly, those were the best days of my life, days I will never get back. I'm not one of those defeatist people who believes that life ends after college. I'm truly enjoying my new life in Washington, and I look forward to the future that God has for me here. But there's something about being a college freshman that is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Suffice it to say that I am slightly jealous of the college freshman I see on campus out here. I want to stop them and tell them to embrace every moment of their first year, because it is something they will never ever get back.

Music really gets me. I should know this by now. It strikes a chord somewhere deep inside me that makes me uncontrollably emotional. Just listening to a song that my college band played several years ago makes me insanely nostalgic for those days. What I wouldn't give to go back to NW for just a week – a week of being with the same people in the same place. A week to embrace every facet of life in NW Iowa. Alas, that shall never be. My last chance to be together with that group of people was probably last month at the Iowa State Fair, and I am so grateful I had that opportunity.

I need to shut this music off before I start hating my life.

In other news, I attended my first Bellingham church service tonight. It was a rather large church to say the least – nothing HUGE but it was huge nonetheless. Four services in a large auditorium dominated by a large stage at the front. If I had to guess I'd say there were 500 people at the service I attended alone. It reminded me of Cornerstone in Ames (the church I attended when working as a counselor at my childhood church camp), but I didn't like it as much as I liked Cornerstone. I didn't have any huge issues with this place, but I didn't feel like the sermon went very deep at all, and didn't leave feeling challenged. They do seem to have a pretty large small group network, so I may attend small groups at that church if I am unable to find other ones elsewhere. :) Or I will attend this church if the other churches are epic failures. Haha.

I was so excited to go church hunting, but I am beginning to understand that although it is really important that I do so, it will not be easy. Going church hunting reminds me so much of home – church was one of the central facets of my life at home, and now I enter these places that are simultaneously so much the same and yet so different from home.

My apartment is so big. It's crazy having an entire apartment to myself, especially an apartment as large as this one...haha... It's big, okay? I'm used to having a hallway filled with my stuff, or at the best sharing a two bedroom apartment with five other girls. Not this...I mean, I have enough stuff to fill it, but it still feels crazy to know that I have like...five rooms that are all mine.

Friday, September 17, 2010

radical Christianity

I have been reading a book lately entitled "The Road to Reality" and it has given me a great deal to think about. It is written by K.P. Yohannan, the founder of Gospel for Asia. He travels around the US speaking in churches attempting to raise money for native missionaries in his home country of India and is pretty serious about condemning the North American church for our failure to live radical lives in service to Jesus Christ. He believes that we should be much more sacrificial in our support of third world missions, and that we should stop spending money on big buildings, extensive church education programs, and the mass amounts of Christian literature that can be found wherever you go in the world of American Christianity.

It is troubling to read, because I have been feeling convicted deep inside of my me-centered Christianity. Whether it be emotion-centered worship that characterizes one's faith or being involved in tons of Bible studies but never reaching out to the lost, I have always wondered at the Christianity that I have always known. Worship is so important, and Bible studies are so important, but if they don't result in an impassioned reaching-out to the lost, then what is the point? If worship doesn't transform our lives, if we don't allow God's Word to truly change the way we live, then what is the point?

That is the road I'm attempting to follow. Coming out here to what seems to be the heart of liberal America, I am going to attempt to live a radical life in service to Christ. What that will look like, I'm not exactly sure yet. But I want to be the hands & feet of Jesus so badly. I could sit in my own little world and contemplate the ins and outs of theology, questioning whether or not predestination is the way, or whether or not Christ is really physically present in communion, and where will that get me? Not very far. What good is the truth if I do not share it?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

entirely new

The biggest challenge so far in my new life has been the internet. I was told that my apartment provides free wireless, but the network they gave me a password for is horrible. Last night it disappeared entirely, and I have been unable to connect at all to that network since. It's amazing how much I depend on the internet, but here in a place where I know no one, I begin feeling insanely depressed without connection to the outside world. I know it will be okay, and soon school will be starting and I will make friends and have less need to use my laptop to keep away the loneliness. But for now, having wireless in my apartment would be really nice.. :)

God has blessed me here. I already feel like I pretty much know my way around, and I love the bug-free-ness. I am not homesick, and I love my apartment. I even feel as if the budget will not be that hard to keep control of. :)

I got my drivers' license today. Rather, I got a temporary license that will work until they mail me my real one. :) That was pretty easy - I didn't even have to show any other form of ID other than my SD license. Aaand, they let me keep my old license - just punched a hole in it to invalidate it. Woot!

Today I took a big step and biked to campus. Being from the middle of nowhere, I have never biked in a city before, much less in a hilly city. I felt ridiculously out of shape attempting to navigate the hills on my way to campus, and felt slightly winded, but I made it. Before I know it, I will be much more in shape and these hills will be nothing!

I'm planning a church hunting extravaganza for this weekend. I'm going to church on Saturday night and maybe even twice on Sunday morning. That way I will accelerate the church finding process. :) Criteria include: 1) ways for me to get involved in ministry. hopefully a worship team I can be a part of that includes more than just piano. :) 2) a radical Christianity that takes the commands of Christ and translates them into real life. Ways for me to reach out in tangible ways to this community with the Gospel. 3) a focus on God's word & a focus on worshiping Him.

It is intimidating to think about starting school again. I have been looking forward to it for so long, but I know that it means a challenge for me as I attempt to put God and service to Him above all else. I want to be a responsible historian who faces the facts, but I do not want to believe everything taught just because someone claims it to be truth. I want to be salt and light in the world of academia - there is such a lack of truth and light here. I am committing my life into God's hands, and like Paul & many other New Testament writers, I am giving myself as a bondservant to Christ. No turning back, no turning back. :)

Friday, September 10, 2010

finally here

Well, I'm here. Moved in, furniture mostly purchased, food in the cupboards. The boxes are unpacked, things are mostly organized. I have mostly familiarized myself with the city, and I even have Washington plates on the car that has officially been transferred to my name. :)

It's frankly quite overwhelming. I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of a whole lot as far as operating here goes. I know how to find out what i need to know to survive. I do have the sense that I am being stranded here though. When my parents leave on Monday I still will have met no one from here.

It's also quite the wake-up call to realize I'm the one paying the bills now. A job will be essential next summer, and it is so stinking important that I make wise choices in the money that I spend.

It's beautiful here. It's crazy busy, traffic is insane, there are homeless people everywhere. But people are so friendly, and I love their enthusiasm for life. Even fast food workers and Walmart greeters go out of their way to make sure that everyone knows that life is good. I like it...I like it a lot. :)

Monday, September 6, 2010

day 1

Leaving today was insanely surreal, perhaps one of the more surreal experiences of my life. I woke up at 8 am to pack up the vehicles, but that was mostly done by 10. For the next two hours I hung out at home - playing random games with my sisters. We had lunch - leftovers. The most normal of normals.

Driving away was also surreal. I drove down the same road to the same interstate that I have been traveling nearly every day all summer. With every mile the way became slightly less familiar, until I suddenly found myself west river. I don't know when or how it happened, but I'm no longer home.

I'm excited to go through Montana tomorrow. I haven't been there in over a decade and I loved it when I saw it before. :) And I'm ready to see my apartment and start making it home. :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

fears

So yesterday and today the weight of the future began to hit me. I'm not exactly nervous, and I'm very excited to get out there.... but I also started to realize just what I am giving up to pursue this. Not only am I moving thousands of miles from home, family, and friends, but I am also giving up any sort of familiarity, besides my stuff. I will be in an entirely foreign environment - city, people, culture...everything. That is scary to me. To know that I will not belong there, at least not at first is scary. Here, I belong. I know the region, I know many of its people, and I know the culture. There, I will have none of that.

I'm also relatively afraid of being alone. I'm concerned that I will be unable to make friends. Camp and college were easy - I was put in a situation where I was able to easily make friends. This will be completely different - I will be living off campus by myself. It will be imperative that I "put myself out there." The easy route (hiding in my apartment) will not be acceptable.

Despite this, I am excited that there are only two days left now. It's crazy to think about, and I am having a really hard time comprehending that in just a week's time I not be here anymore...that this season of my life will be entirely in the past.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

dreams

I've been having very bizarre & distinct dreams lately - dreams that I actually remember. That's odd for me.

Last night I dreamed that I was visiting Rachel in Chicago, going through Des Moines like I did a few weeks ago. The first scene I remember was in Des Moines at Tim's house. In my dream I only had an hour and a half before I needed to be on my way to Rachel's. We decided to watch a movie, and the movie turned out to be three hours long. I was really enjoying the movie, but halfway through I realized that I needed to go. So I left. At some point, a friend from high school showed up and hitched a ride to Chicago with me. We got there, although only after some torturous city driving in which I would take wrong exits/get horribly lost.

At some point, the dream transitioned from a somewhat strange replay of my trip a few weeks ago to Des Moines/Chicago to me walking along a country road, lined with corpses. I remember wondering how they had died, and wanting to leave as soon as possible, when all the sudden I was attacked by two young boys. They started clawing apart my legs, to the point where I became aware that I, too, would soon be a corpse along the road. This knowledge jolted me awake, and I realized I'd slept a half hour past my alarm. Creepy, huh?