confession

Today was Sunday. Woke up after not enough sleep, went to sunday school and church, where I barely managed to appear awake. Went home, played some games, hung out, etc. Went to church choir practice to play my trumpet, came home, watched Amazing Race, played facebook risk, and then had a very very very good phone conversation.

One of the things I miss most about college are my friends. More specifically, I miss the chance to have deep, real, personal conversations about anything and everything for hours on end into the night whenever I want. At home much of the time I feel misunderstood, alone, and required to think a certain way. So tonight was good, talking about the hard questions of life and God and His work in the world.

Just because I don't want to internalize it anymore, here is what I've really been wrestling with lately:

How does God work in the world? Is He super involved, coordinating and master-minding every thing that happens? Does He have a specific plan for my life that I must follow step by step or risk being dishonoring to Him? And, how does He want us to deal with the brokenness of the world? There are so many struggling with poverty and hunger - how are we to address these issues? Structurally, through policies and government intervention? Or, is it a simple matter of these people needing the Good News? Or maybe it's more complicated than that? I've been struggling with how involved I should be in politics or how much I should trust in the inherent goodness of democracy or capitalism. I've been wondering how much laws truly matter, and if Christians are wasting their time trying to outlaw things like abortion or homosexual marriage. Do we have the emphasis all wrong? Why is it that so many of the people I know dislike and even hate so strongly people who are homosexual? We claim to hate the sin and not the sinner, but I'm honestly not so sure that is true. I'm not so sure because I see these thoughts mirrored in myself. How does God feel about these sins (abortion and homosexuality) in relation to other sins that Christians do not so vehemently oppose (lying or coveting or materialism)?

I realize these questions are many, and somewhat unrelated. And I feel somewhat like a heretic for even wondering about some of these things. But, while in college, I started on a journey to truly examine what I believe. I changed... and now I'm home again, where my beliefs found their roots. And now the hardest thing of all is before me - to continue questioning the validity of the things I have been taught in the place where these things are considered unquestioningly true. No wonder I feel like a heretic. Even now I'm ashamed to admit I question, ashamed to admit I'm not sure. Ashamed that I don't understand how God works in the world, don't know how to follow Him, don't know how to KNOW what He is thinking about what I should do.