mundane takeover

So my life has become lame to the extreme. I'm not even in the process of applying for grad schools anymore...it's just done. It's so quiet in my head right now. I am living day to day, shift to shift, just getting by. I stopped learning German. I barely read anymore. I don't even watch movies. I basically just work 4-5 days a week and spend the rest of my time wasting my time. I don't find myself too upset by this fact. When I find out where I'm headed in 5 months, I think I may then begin to prepare. Begin to care. But for now I'm just staying in a hibernation of sorts.

I don't even think about much anymore. There is quite literally no intellectual or mental stimulation of any sort here, unless I am really motivated to provide it for myself. But I'm not. I mean, I loved college...but now it seems sorta like a distant dream. I'm finding myself forgetting that passion and slipping back into the soothing rhythm of this rural midwest town. Where education is important, but only if it helps you get a good paying job. Of course, that's sorta the objective wherever you're from. But I found something at college...something inside me that didn't really care about the job opportunities at the end of the road, as long as I'm learning, as long as I'm pursuing these passions. For me, college had nothing to do with the degree, nothing to do with a career objective. It was about doing what I love - studying. That's why I want to go to grad school. Not so I can teach college someday, although that's what I tell people when they ask me what I'm planning to do with a phd in history. I'm pursuing the study of history because it is compelling, because it is vital, because it is what I like to spend my time doing.

But in spite of this passion, right now I'm doing nothing, and sorta enjoying that too, in a slothful lazy sort of way. And, to be completely honest, if I don't get into grad school, life will not end for me. Cuz I can live without history. I don't want to, but I can. I love the piano, too, and I would not mind pursuing that path. It requires a whole lot less further education, in fact, zero, because I've spent the last 15 years of my life studying it. And I LOVE the piano. As much as history. Just in a different way - in a self-expression way...not necessarily a vocare (thanks nw) sort of way.

This is good for me, thinking "out loud" like this. It is probably frightfully boring to read, but that's ok.

Basically, this post can be summed up by the following. My life as a waitress is sucking the academic-ness out of me, and I am doing nothing to stop it, but merely waiting to see what the future holds. God knows what He's doing.