the leap

I feel like I might have just jumped off a cliff. It's scary. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

it's coming

It's getting more and more real. I'm living at home working as much as possible right now...but in 4-5 months I'll be moving somewhere. Four possible locations: Macomb, IL, Bellingham, WA, Vermillion, SD, or Chicagoish, IL. INSANE. I just want to know where I'm going - right now it seems like nothing is happening, and it's hard. Especially knowing I have friends who are quite literally waiting on my decision. It's hard trusting that God has the whole world in His hands. But I have no choice, and so I wait.

I'm working a ton this week. Two 12 hour days and five days of 6 or less hours. Good times.

I still haven't gotten a real tire on my car.

a good weekend

This was a good weekend.

I worked 'til three on Friday, and then headed to college for the weekend (ish). First, I stopped in at the library to pay Prof. Anderson a visit. Then, after a quick trip to the grocery store for some food and Alco for some gift wrap, I headed to the apartment. We ended up going out for chinese for supper. Then we went to an art show and then the choir concert. It was really weird being at the choir concert and knowing the majority of the songs by heart but not being up there singing. I did go up for Beautiful Savior with all the alumni, but that was also super weird. I found myself not knowing the harmony anymore - even though it's only been a few months. After the concert it was back to the apartment where a movie was watched (I did other things instead, but nothing big).

Saturday I woke up pretty early and headed to Natalie's wedding with Lisa. I drove. It was about a three hour drive so we gave ourselves four hours. About an hour into it, just outside of a tiny town called Dickens, my tire went flat. I started calling AAA but a very nice man happened along and changed the tire for me. So, we made it to the wedding with about a half hour to spare. Woot.

The wedding was beautiful. We managed to find our way to the reception, even though we didn't exactly follow the directions on the invitation. We ate lots of food (we were like the first to go back for seconds, even though we definitely weren't the first to eat). I saw a few people I worked with at camp back in the day, but no one that I was exactly friends with. So that was weird.

The drive home was also fun. It was longer than it should have been, since I was driving about 45, trying not to destroy my donut of a tire. But it was good, because that gave Lisa and I lots of time to have quality conversation.

We made it back to campus around 9. Tara came over - we ended up going to Casey's for Naked juice. We also got cheap candy. I ate it and got a stomach ache. I got ridiculously tired to the point where I might as well have been drunk. We hung out without watching a movie for like a few hours at least - it was impressive! (I am not a fan of movies as a social activity, but I'll probably talk about that more a little later)

This morning I randomly woke up at like 9:10 thinking it was the afternoon already. So I got up and was very excited to see that it was only 9. I watched an episode of Lost and then headed to church! Church was sooo good this morning. There was a guest speaker who was really good. The music was good - I've just missed that church, and I didn't even really realize I did.

After church I went with friends to the caf and sat there getting ridiculously hungry while they ate. Then I went back to the apartment and made ridiculous amounts of spaghetti. It was delicious. Probably even more so since I was so hungry. I hung out for a few more hours, and then it was time to head back home. Adventure complete.

I even made it home on my donut tire. I drove a ton of miles on that thing! Yay!

Things I learned this weekend:
1) I need to learn how to change a tire.
2) I always used to think I didn't like watching movies in social settings because it detracted from conversation. Now I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not a movie person (at least in group settings) and selfishly wish that others didn't like movies so much.
3) I am not a farmer. I grew up on a farm, and I'm an introvert, but I am not a farmer. I'm also not a feeler. I'm a thinker.
4) Not only should wedding gifts be bought several weeks at least in advance, one should also make sure to wrap them ahead of time. Scrambling to find some way to wrap a gift the morning of a wedding is a sure way to make a fool of yourself.
5) Being away from college for a few months has made me forget what it's like to be a college student. College drama (concerning boys) overwhelms, confuses, and somewhat annoys me.
6) This is going to sound weird, but this weekend I started to more fully explore the idea that I may never get married. Always before this would have been a "woe is me" type thing, but this time it's different. Instead of feeling depressed about my single status as a result of the wedding, I actually became very ok with it. Not because the bride and groom didn't look absolutely perfect together. But because I'm starting to realize more and more each day that, although I wouldn't mind getting married, it's not something that I need anymore. I'd be ok with being single my whole life, and, to tell the truth, I might even be better suited to singleness than to marriage. But this neutrality in regard to this aspect of my future does not mean that I'm opposed to getting married, I'm just also not opposed to remaining single. It's a good place to be. I want to fully give this aspect of my life to God, and not hold onto it as a way to be bitter when I feel like it. I want to truly be okay with whatever life God calls me to.

This weekend was so good. I had so much time to think, so much time to have quality conversations with amazing friends, and a lot of laughter. I plan to spend as much time as possible at college in the next 7-8 weeks, because in under two months it'll all be over.

early morning musings

So I work mornings at the restaurant two days a week now. Today was my training day. I was up at 5:15 and at the restaurant by 5:45. I watched what the regular morning waitress did, helped her out a bit, and went back home at 7:00. I was home before the sun came up. I made breakfast, and am now hanging out for 3-4 hours until it's time to head back to work at 11.

I love my life.

Really, I do.

I think that last night as I was preparing myself mentally for the 5 hour time change in sleeping schedule that I was about to embark on, I realized that I was ready. I'm ready to wake up before the sun and go to bed shortly after it leaves. I'm ready to say goodbye to the insane college student's schedule and embrace a more natural way of living. I'm ready to work 8+ hour work days and the entire afternoon and evening ahead of me. It's gonna be good. :)

Side note...I'm watching Lost right now. It's super sad. Just had to get that out there.

Yesterday I received an email from Western Illinois University. I'm accepted. I don't know anything more about it - I'm waiting for an official letter in the mail.

I've been working at ton at T.O.D. lately. Ok, not exactly a ton. But enough. I've been working 5 days a week, averaging at least 5 hours a shift, equaling around 25 hours a week. I have a bunch of daycare hours lined up for the next two weeks, so it should be a pretty busy couple of weeks. :)

I've been thinking a lot lately. Reflecting on my life - my experiences so far and what I should do as a result of those experiences. I've been realizing the pride that hinders me from loving and serving others as God calls me to. It can be really hard for me to let go of my pride - whether it's feeling superior over my coworkers who lack a college education or whether it's refusing to accept the blame that is due me for things that have happened in the past. But it's so necessary - in order for me to be able to love my coworkers I need to live humbly. In order for me to forgive myself, I need to first recognize and accept guilt.

I have also been reading more lately. I have missed it. No matter how busy this summer gets, I really need to make a concerted effort to keep reading. Otherwise grad school might be a rude awakening.

reality

On Friday after subbing in the morning at the daycare, I headed to OC to visit a few friends that aren't leaving till Sunday for spring break. It was so good. We didn't do anything crazy - just hung out. But I needed it.

I might be going to WIU for an interview in a couple weeks. That is insane. Especially since I don't even know if I'm accepted into the program yet. So I'll have to find that out for sure before I head on a random road trip to Illinois. But it would be an awesome weekend if it does happen - I'd go to my OC on Friday night, go to the choir concert, then head out on Saturday morning for my friend Natalie's wedding. That night I'd drive to Chicago (crazy, yes...) and visit Rachel for a day or two. Then on Monday or Tuesday I'd drive back to the west side of Illinois and interview for a graduate assistantship tutor position. Then back home again.

Now I have to go to work. Last night was beyond insane - I haven't been so stressed in forever...I hope tonight is a tad slower. I made a lot of money, but I don't know if it was worth it.

Adios.

life is an emotional rollar coaster.

So I got the most epic sub call ever yesterday. I got offered a 6 wk full time subbing job at the high school. Four hours later, I found out it was most likely all a horrible mistake, and I had no such thing. That was depressing.

Tonight I worked at T.O.D. I made $23 in tips. Wooooooooooot. Not.

Tonight I got an email from Western Illinois University telling me about yet another application I need to fill out for a graduate assistantship tutoring opportunity. We all know that Marilee has no choice but to follow this lead, due to reduced tuition and stipends, but I am not excited about the sad fact that one again Marilee is NOT done with grad school related applications. This also may include an interview. HAHA...random trip to Illinois anyone? ;) ;)

I really love my job at T.O.D. though. As I learn the ropes, it becomes more and more fun. I am not at all ready to dedicate my life to waitressing, but it'll do for the time being.

Tomorrow I'm heading back to Iowa for a day to visit college. The funniest part about it is that spring break is starting tomorrow, so only a few people will still be around. But it'll be good...I miss them all so much. It gets lonely here sometimes. I miss social interaction. I miss my friends.

As time goes on, I get less and less attached to the idea of grad school. Don't get me wrong - if I get an assistantship that pays well enough to get me through grad school without my parents' financial support, I will joyfully and excitedly go. I really want to follow my passion for history. But, I don't think it's going to happen. Financially, I don't think I can afford to go unless I have an assistantship - out of state tuition would be crazily expensive, and added to the fact that I would have no stipend to live on, it would be out of the question. The small amount of money that I'll make before August will not be enough to last me for more than 6 months or so if it's not supported by anything else. And so I find myself letting go of this dream - maybe to save myself the heartbreak when it's officially shut down. I have a plan B - moving to the Chicago area and getting a job (hopefully teaching piano lessons). Maybe I could eventually go to grad school in that area - there are a ton of schools there and if I had more time to save money and Illinois residency status, I might be able to make it work. But, I need to leave this town no matter what. There's nothing here. Living here would mean no future.

Tonight I am restless. Spiritually the last few months have been rather dry for me. There haven't been crises, there haven't been any high moments. I've just been putting one foot in front of the other, plodding forward. This isn't all bad, but sometimes I find myself longing for something more. Longing for the "on-fire" quality of some of my friends. But not really knowing if that mentality is even an option for someone like me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get to the place where I have figured things out enough to go back to the joy that is supposed to characterize followers of Christ.

As of late, I have been reading through the book of John, with the purpose of finding out who Jesus is. I mean, that's something I learned all the way through Sunday School, right? But I became convicted that I need to go back to the basics, and re-get-to-know the Son of God who became man and then died separated from the Father. Learn by example, right? So, I'm going through, chapter by chapter, and writing down the things I learn about Jesus.

On the surface, my life seems to be going pretty well. But I know there are huge cracks...that personal crisis lurks just beneath the veneer. Something needs to change. I need to wake up - I've been sleeping for so long now.

work is beautiful

So, it seems as if my work schedule is finally starting to pick up a little bit.

I have been getting a lot of subbing calls lately. Unfortunately, I've had to turn them all down, which really stinks. But, I talked to the restaurant today about it, and it's possible that she will be able to change my schedule so that I work nights more than days. So, we'll see. But even if I don't sub another day this semester, it's all good: my hours are starting to really increase at the restaurant. I went from two days in one week to three, to four, and now this next week I'm working five days. In two months I'll start in at Newton Hills - I'll be working full time there plus a couple shifts a week at the restaurant. That'll mean 50 hour weeks, but it's not as if I have a ton of other things to do with my life. At least it'll make time pass quickly.

I'm ready to move away, to experience something new, to be on my own again. The cheap aspect is nice, but it's worth the cost I think to be independent.

I'm going to be purchasing a wireless router soon. That will be nice - I like my laptop but I can't really use it for anything currently. It'd be nice to have skype (!!! :D) and the full use of my laptop. :)