So I got the most epic sub call ever yesterday. I got offered a 6 wk full time subbing job at the high school. Four hours later, I found out it was most likely all a horrible mistake, and I had no such thing. That was depressing.
Tonight I worked at T.O.D. I made $23 in tips. Wooooooooooot. Not.
Tonight I got an email from Western Illinois University telling me about yet another application I need to fill out for a graduate assistantship tutoring opportunity. We all know that Marilee has no choice but to follow this lead, due to reduced tuition and stipends, but I am not excited about the sad fact that one again Marilee is NOT done with grad school related applications. This also may include an interview. HAHA...random trip to Illinois anyone? ;) ;)
I really love my job at T.O.D. though. As I learn the ropes, it becomes more and more fun. I am not at all ready to dedicate my life to waitressing, but it'll do for the time being.
Tomorrow I'm heading back to Iowa for a day to visit college. The funniest part about it is that spring break is starting tomorrow, so only a few people will still be around. But it'll be good...I miss them all so much. It gets lonely here sometimes. I miss social interaction. I miss my friends.
As time goes on, I get less and less attached to the idea of grad school. Don't get me wrong - if I get an assistantship that pays well enough to get me through grad school without my parents' financial support, I will joyfully and excitedly go. I really want to follow my passion for history. But, I don't think it's going to happen. Financially, I don't think I can afford to go unless I have an assistantship - out of state tuition would be crazily expensive, and added to the fact that I would have no stipend to live on, it would be out of the question. The small amount of money that I'll make before August will not be enough to last me for more than 6 months or so if it's not supported by anything else. And so I find myself letting go of this dream - maybe to save myself the heartbreak when it's officially shut down. I have a plan B - moving to the Chicago area and getting a job (hopefully teaching piano lessons). Maybe I could eventually go to grad school in that area - there are a ton of schools there and if I had more time to save money and Illinois residency status, I might be able to make it work. But, I need to leave this town no matter what. There's nothing here. Living here would mean no future.
Tonight I am restless. Spiritually the last few months have been rather dry for me. There haven't been crises, there haven't been any high moments. I've just been putting one foot in front of the other, plodding forward. This isn't all bad, but sometimes I find myself longing for something more. Longing for the "on-fire" quality of some of my friends. But not really knowing if that mentality is even an option for someone like me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get to the place where I have figured things out enough to go back to the joy that is supposed to characterize followers of Christ.
As of late, I have been reading through the book of John, with the purpose of finding out who Jesus is. I mean, that's something I learned all the way through Sunday School, right? But I became convicted that I need to go back to the basics, and re-get-to-know the Son of God who became man and then died separated from the Father. Learn by example, right? So, I'm going through, chapter by chapter, and writing down the things I learn about Jesus.
On the surface, my life seems to be going pretty well. But I know there are huge cracks...that personal crisis lurks just beneath the veneer. Something needs to change. I need to wake up - I've been sleeping for so long now.
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