With every day that passes, I am increasingly convinced that I didn't truly love Justin until today. I loved Justin before we were even dating, but I loved him in a way that I love most of my friends - a love with strings. A love with borders. A love that waits for the end.
And then I realized I wanted forever with him, and I thought that meant I loved him. In many ways, I did. Then we were inseparable, and certainly that meant love. I suppose it did. Partially. Then we were engaged, and the doubting made me wonder what on earth I was doing engaged to this guy so far removed from my world, this college dropout Navy guy with not a lick of musical talent.
Today I reflect on the painful reality of love. I never understood until Justin that love is not happy. Love is not bliss, and love has nothing to do with what Justin offers me as a life partner. Love is torturous joy, emphasis on the torturous. Love is death to myself, love is sacrifice, love is taking on his burdens as if they were my own. Love is watching people hurt the man I love with their callous disregard for all that is good and holy and learning to forgive them with the same grace he does. Love is putting him before me every single time (which I almost never successfully pull off). Love is being willing to do anything to help him. Love is courageous honesty, love is vulnerability and complete openness. Love doesn't have borders, doesn't have "but..", doesn't ask what will be given in return. Love just gives. Love refuses to put up walls of protection, love forgives every single time.
Because I love Justin, I'm beginning to understand on an experiential level what it means for God to love me. What it means to sacrifice himself, what it means to love people who won't ever be able to repay him.
And this is just the beginning...we're not even married yet.
Love is crazy.
No comments:
Post a Comment