Saturday, June 7, 2014

for the desperate hope that there might be a light in the darkness

I've descended into a dark pit and there is no escaping.  I've tried to save the world, I've tried to be strong and brave, I've thrown up a fearless front.  And now, all the walls are down.  I'm exposed and bleeding,  I have nothing left.  The depression is starting to set in, and I'm wondering how on earth I'm supposed to have one of the happiest days of my life in just twenty-seven days.  How can such joy mingle with such sorrow?

I've failed.  I've failed people around me left and right and I've failed God.  I have nothing to offer him, no bravery, no righteousness, only my skewed pursuit of "justice."  In this world where I was always right and everyone else was always wrong, I left no room for God's way.  I have pushed Him aside, invoking his name out of a need for self-justification and neglecting entirely any real pursuit of Him.

My walls were sky high; no one was getting in.  They were all the enemy, none could be trusted.  I was alone in my fortress as the walls crumbled from the inside out, fell away, and revealed me curled up in the fetal position.  ...To think I pretended to be strong.

I'm alone now.  Some of it is the result of the huge differences between me and the people in this town.  Some of it is the result of poor friend selection.  I find myself now with  no one here on whom I can rely besides my fiance.

I'm alone now.  And God reaches down and reminds me that in my brokenness He can most easily work.  My walls have fallen, and God forgive me, I need Him to teach me how to live unafraid.  I need Him to teach me how to follow Him.  I need Him to teach me how to exist in a world without walls, a world where not everyone is the enemy.

That's in my brave moments.  In my not-so-brave moments I struggle to hold onto the hope that God can redeem my mistakes for His Kingdom.  I struggle to comprehend how there can be a light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel.  I grope along the walls, hoping against hope that the sunlight will break through, and yet knowing that it will not.

Consequences are painful.

And yet I have a desperate optimism that this can't be all there is, that there has to be joy and peace ahead, maybe even a friend.  There are certainly opportunities for me to reach out for others who feel alone, and God forgive me for becoming so insular that I missed those opportunities.  God forgive me for it all.  And God help me.  God show me the way.  God be my rescue.

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