There are things I heard whispers of prior to being engaged. I heard about "bridezillas" and that wedding planning could be stressful. I heard about intrusive family members. I heard about these things, filed them away somewhere in my subconscious and figured it'd never happen to me. I never put too much emotional stock in my future wedding day - I didn't know if I'd ever get married and even if I ended up lucky enough to find someone, I wasn't particularly excited about the event itself.
And then, he was down on one knee, that moment for which I had been not-so-patiently waiting for months. I said "yes."
Craziness ensued.
We had to figure out a date and a location and a photographer and a caterer and things were so crazily stressful. I was looking forward to our wedding and dreading it all at the same time, knowing that in many ways our wedding day was only the beginning of the countdown to deployment. I mourned his loss six months in advance. Then, one day, our world came crashing in - he might be deployed in as little as a few days, who knew if he'd be back in time for the wedding. That scare was over as quickly as it arrived, but the uncertainty of when exactly he'd be in port and if we could send out invitations with confidence continued well into April.
We nailed down all the big things, he got into off-crew, got leave for the wedding and honeymoon: things have fallen into place. God is good.
But there's another side of engagement that no one warned me about. I'd heard the echoes of it and seen its effects, and I guess I never put two and two together. You see, I said "yes, I'll marry you," and in that moment, my world changed. In that moment I committed to a huge life change. I said, "yes, I'll follow you around the world." "Yes, I'll give up some of my dreams and desires so that we can be one." "Yes, I will love you and only you for the rest of our lives." Even so, it is a commitment not fully cemented yet. I can still theoretically back out (as can he). I haven't pledged my life to Justin in front of God and these witnesses.
Once a friend was engaged, and she asked me to pray for her, that her transition into married life would go smoothly. She talked about the changes that were coming, like moving into a new house and sharing a life with someone. I didn't fully get it. "You love him," I thought, "so what's the big deal?"
I've heard of weddings being called off, but I never imagined I'd consider such a thing.
And yet, I have. Several times. Not a week into our engagement, I sat at Starbucks with one of my closest friends and we talked of my doubt. "Am I crazy?" I asked, "I just don't know if our love will last, if I'll love him forever." She said, "Nope, you're not crazy, but you'd be crazy if you didn't doubt at least a little bit."
A month or so later, I sat in another coffee shop with the same friend and admitted that I was seriously considering calling the whole thing off. We are just so different: I am a thinker, he a doer; I am a little liberal, he's a little conservative. Maybe I had made a huge mistake, sometimes the distance from my heart to his seemed so impossibly wide to bridge. It felt as if he didn't really understand me. Plus, he is in the military, and I'm not such a fan of this life. It's so impossibly hard for me to imagine him leaving me for months at a time, so impossibly hard for me to imagine carrying on without him while remaining emotionally one with him. What does it mean, anyway, to carry someone in my heart? I'm not strong. Not nearly strong enough for this life of separation and uncertainty and no control. I'm not nearly enough for him, for us, for our future family. I do so much better on my own with a shield around my heart, moving on to new horizons when things get difficult or stagnant or boring. I do so much better living only for myself.
A few minutes later, I sat at the piano at the assisted living center that some friends and I visit every Wednesday, and I tried to hold it together. For that hour, I pretended to be fine. Inside my world was falling apart. I imagined my life as it'd be if I called it all off that night. I felt so impossibly empty inside. I cried out to God: "what do you want of me?" "Where is Your heart in all of this?" "What am I supposed to be doing?"
If I'm to be completely honest, I never heard a voice from the clouds saying I should marry Justin, and I never heard a voice from the clouds saying I should call it all off. That's what makes it so hard for me: I want to be in the center of God's will, but 100% of the time I am only about 51.3% certain that I have any sense of what God's "will" is. My faith is fragile and weak. God's so silent so much of the time. I entered this relationship with Justin not knowing where it was headed, and at some point I became convinced that we serve God better together than apart. He felt the same way. We got engaged.
As I sat at the piano that night at the assisted living, singing and playing random hymns and pretending everything was fine when it most certainly was not (story of my life), God's presence washed over me. There was no "yes, go marry Justin." There was no "no, don't marry Justin." There was just the knowledge that God was with me, and that I would be just fine.
Whenever God has shown up in my life, that's how it has always been. "Daughter, I love you, and I will walk with you through this storm. Move forward boldly, knowing I am with you." He gives me the choice to walk either way, and the confidence that He'll walk with me either way. Sometimes, life is that way. There are choices to be made, and there's no black and white, no right and wrong.
But I chose Justin. I choose Justin. I will always choose him. In a couple months, I have the insanely high privilege of giving my life and my love to him before God and my family and friends.
This is what no one ever told me about, the doubts that assailed me, the terrifying uncertainty and the pressure of moving from "single and free" to "married and tied down" in five short months, the process of realigning my thought processes and my dreams and my ways of doing life, and doing that all while trying to plan a huge social event at the same time.
I've heard people say that falling in love never happens all at once, that they love their spouse more with every passing year. I think I understand a bit of that. With every day I spend with my love, I love him more. There was a time when I loved him, but could imagine my life without him. That time has passed, thank God. The season of wondering if I've made some colossal mistake is past, I think. Things won't always be easy, our love won't always be perfect, and I'm sure I'll doubt things again, in other forms. Marriage isn't going to be perfect and easy. But I have such confidence in our relationship, in the hand of God in our relationship, in His blessing on our future union.
God is so good to bless us like this. He's such a good God to not demand of me that I marry Justin, but to allow me to come to that place on my own, where I have the opportunity to try and test it on my own time, and to find it good. He is so good to promise that no matter what I choose, He'll walk with me. He's so good.
God's name be praised.
No comments:
Post a Comment