This is the time of year where all of my friends at school are applying for phD programs. I never dreamed I wouldn't be among their ranks. And yet, here I am twiddling my thumbs (okay, not really, but I'm not stressed about statements of purpose, that's for sure) while they all pay hundreds of dollars to apply to schools.
On the one hand I feel sorta left out. The people surrounding me are so committed to this history thing. They're so excited about the future. They have people they want to study under, topics they want to study. It's somewhat contagious. But at my core I know I'm just not ready. They're committed.
And I'm, well, sometimes I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. I like history. I like school. I like asking questions about the past. But I need a break. Maybe an indefinite one. I want to find a job (I'm scared of the possibility of failing to find anything good, but I am excited about the prospects of finding one I could really enjoy), and I want a real life. I want to just be for a while.
And so I allow myself to be left behind. I allow myself to not do that one thing I have been telling everyone I was going to do. I allow myself to fail. And there's freedom in that. The same sort of freedom as I found in dropping my education major.
On the one hand, I like teaching. I loved substitute teaching, I loved camp counseling, I loved teaching vacation bible school, I loved being a daycare teacher, I loved leading educational programs at a state park, and I love being a teaching assistant.
And yet, for whatever reason, I hesitate. I'm not sure why I hesitate. It's like...I could do it. I might like it.
But I don't necessarily know if I have ever considered it my "calling." My passion. My passion is loving people. Meeting people where they are, and loving them. Learning their stories. Laughing with them, crying with them. Sharing with them my hope and my joy. In many ways my happiest times have been waitressing at a truck stop or folding clothes at Walmart. The little things, the mundane things. If it weren't for the simple fact that I have to make ends meet I'd do those types of jobs for the rest of my life.
Meh. Life can be exhausting sometimes.
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