There are lots of things about God that I don't understand. Lots of theological positions yet to be decided, many areas where I am perplexed to the point of being troubled. I must say, though, that if I had to name one thing that bothers me the most, it would be the issue of the absolute. By this I do not mean to say that I do not believe that there is a right and wrong. I'm not trying to go all post-modern on you. I do mean to say, however, that I find it really hard to deal with the fact that I am not always able to know who is right and who is wrong. I find myself wanting things to be simple and clear-cut, and they simply are not that way.
For instance, a friend tells me a story about some people who made her life hard. I mentally vilify them. They made the wrong decision - in my mind, at least. I then see a glimpse of life from their perspective, and see the ways that God used that situation in their life. Immediate confusion ensues.
Or, a friend once told me something that affected me directly, claiming to have heard from God. I didn't at all agree about the content of this "revelation." It messed me up - it happened several years ago and it still bothers me.
I wish things were a simple matter of an equation. Plug in the variables, get the result (maybe I should have been a math major after all). I wish that I could know. And of course I can't. But it drives me nuts that things are not as black and white as I want them to be. God is black and white, but humanity most certainly is not.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
home to home
I have a conflict of homes. Tomorrow morning I leave home to fly home. Confusing, eh? At the moment, this feels much more like home than that ever has. At the same time, though, I remember the first few hours and even days of being back here as being insanely disconcerting. I remember feeling as if I had never left, and as if I had lived an entire lifetime somewhere else all at the same time.
I'm hoping the weather holds out - my sense of perfectionism is really liking the idea of being back in Bellingham to welcome in the new year. Even if I just sleep through it. I have the flight tomorrow to make up my list of resolutions, and it'd be nice to have a clean start on January 1st in my other home. If all goes well, by 12:30 pm tomorrow (PST) I'll be home. That's just a little over 15 hours from now. Of course, that's not accounting for the two hours that I will be gaining. But it's crazy nonetheless.
I'm planning to pull my first legit over-nighter tonight. I won't be going to bed until at *least* 1:00 pm tomorrow, and, depending on what I decide to do for New Years, I may end up just taking a short nap in the afternoon and then commencing New Years celebrations. :)
It could be a very long time until I find myself back in South Dakota again. So, I'm soaking up the last few hours of dark cold blizzard.
I'm hoping the weather holds out - my sense of perfectionism is really liking the idea of being back in Bellingham to welcome in the new year. Even if I just sleep through it. I have the flight tomorrow to make up my list of resolutions, and it'd be nice to have a clean start on January 1st in my other home. If all goes well, by 12:30 pm tomorrow (PST) I'll be home. That's just a little over 15 hours from now. Of course, that's not accounting for the two hours that I will be gaining. But it's crazy nonetheless.
I'm planning to pull my first legit over-nighter tonight. I won't be going to bed until at *least* 1:00 pm tomorrow, and, depending on what I decide to do for New Years, I may end up just taking a short nap in the afternoon and then commencing New Years celebrations. :)
It could be a very long time until I find myself back in South Dakota again. So, I'm soaking up the last few hours of dark cold blizzard.
Monday, December 27, 2010
thoughts on love
sometimes i think i'm loving when i'm not loving at all...
Failure to love, not because of the evident lack of emotion, but because of the lack of sacrifice. I am not required to love in emotion, but in word and in deed. Then, perhaps, emotion can be. Boldly speak the truth in love. Love in word and in deed. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. love always protects. love never ends.
lack of humility, tendency to hold another to a standard which I repeatedly fail. selfish desire to give up, to "love" through deception of both myself and another.
what if what someone needs is the truth - not for any reason of my own benefit, but rather that i may more fully love them in word and in deed? what does this look like? how do i love in WORD and DEED? this is the question of which I must pursue the answer, at the risk of a lifetime of regret.
Failure to love, not because of the evident lack of emotion, but because of the lack of sacrifice. I am not required to love in emotion, but in word and in deed. Then, perhaps, emotion can be. Boldly speak the truth in love. Love in word and in deed. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. love always protects. love never ends.
lack of humility, tendency to hold another to a standard which I repeatedly fail. selfish desire to give up, to "love" through deception of both myself and another.
what if what someone needs is the truth - not for any reason of my own benefit, but rather that i may more fully love them in word and in deed? what does this look like? how do i love in WORD and DEED? this is the question of which I must pursue the answer, at the risk of a lifetime of regret.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
possible new years resolutions?
So, it is the time of the year to begin pondering the new one...and with the dawning of the new comes the semi-required list of resolutions that may or may not be accomplished. Last year my main New Year's resolution was to be able to run three miles in under thirty minutes by March 1. I more than accomplished my goal. Of course, as soon as I accomplished it, I had no more motivation, started waitressing, and stopped running when my feet started hurting too much from standing in ballet flats for five hours to work up the resolve to run three miles on a treadmill. This=problematic. Future New Years resolutions need to have more longevity.
The closing of this year finds me sorely out of shape once more. I don't have a treadmill at my apartment, so I do not believe that my resolutions for 2011 will include such a specific goal. However, Christmas has left me in dire need of shedding a few unwanted pounds. So, I am pondering some sort of New Years' resolution that involves losing those Christmas pounds and being more physically active all at the same time. Maybe less movie watching and more working out is in order? I say yes.
I have been tossing around some sort of technology fast. Not for all of 2011 of course, but perhaps for the first month or two? Facebook, maybe? This may prove too much for me, though. Then again, I'm not sure that I would have to drop it entirely. Perhaps limiting myself to checking it once a day just to keep friends and family somewhat connected. There are those who might be slightly annoyed if I dropped out of cyberspace. Then again, isn't that their problem, not mine? ;) I have been thinking of how much homework I could get done in such an efficient manner if I wasn't so ADD about stuff.
I also resolve to take over the world by December 31, 2011. Watch out world, here I come. It's all about making the right alliances and knowing when to break them. Some sort of creepy meld of Survivor and Risk strategy will be what propels me to world domination.
The closing of this year finds me sorely out of shape once more. I don't have a treadmill at my apartment, so I do not believe that my resolutions for 2011 will include such a specific goal. However, Christmas has left me in dire need of shedding a few unwanted pounds. So, I am pondering some sort of New Years' resolution that involves losing those Christmas pounds and being more physically active all at the same time. Maybe less movie watching and more working out is in order? I say yes.
I have been tossing around some sort of technology fast. Not for all of 2011 of course, but perhaps for the first month or two? Facebook, maybe? This may prove too much for me, though. Then again, I'm not sure that I would have to drop it entirely. Perhaps limiting myself to checking it once a day just to keep friends and family somewhat connected. There are those who might be slightly annoyed if I dropped out of cyberspace. Then again, isn't that their problem, not mine? ;) I have been thinking of how much homework I could get done in such an efficient manner if I wasn't so ADD about stuff.
I also resolve to take over the world by December 31, 2011. Watch out world, here I come. It's all about making the right alliances and knowing when to break them. Some sort of creepy meld of Survivor and Risk strategy will be what propels me to world domination.
Friday, December 24, 2010
somewhat sarcastic but honest reflections for all the single and "unloved"...
Five years ago, I had a very clear idea of how I wanted my life to go. College, meet my "future husband," fall hopelessly in love, get married (preferably before college ended or at the worst immediately following graduation), and spend the rest of my life following him around. Maybe with a job, but most definitely no real independence, because that would require me to take risks. I was prepared to compensate for my lack of real-life experience with a husband who would do all of the hard stuff (like paying rent or taxes) while I cooked, cleaned, and popped out as many kids as possible. Perfect, right? [insert enormous amounts of sarcasm here]
Problem is, I never found "the one," and I found myself forced to redefine my life in order to avoid the heartbreak of being "unloved." If I'm not married, the best way to deal with it is to convince myself that single-hood is what is best for me, and, what's more, is what I want, even more than marriage. I moved across the country in part to prove my ability to be entirely independent. I have my own apartment, I will be doing my own taxes, and I am entirely (aside from my cell-phone and health insurance [which I could get from the school but choose not to for simplicity's sake]) independent. Success.
Being single has its advantages. I hear it every day (okay, not literally, but close). I can move across the country on a whim. I can make my own decisions. At this point the advantages seem to end... interesting, eh? It seems that marriage is the preferred life situation; however much people assure me that my life is okay the way it is, underlying it all is the assumption that I should be earnestly seeking a husband.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling inferior to my married peers. I understand that marriage and children radically changes and matures a person. But it's hard to be single sometimes. Not necessarily because I'm dying to be married, but because it feels like single-hood is a dead end that requires a conclusion before age thirty at the risk of living a meaningless life.
I wish that it were possible to radically redefine what it means to be single. I wish that I wasn't constantly asked if I have a boyfriend. I wish I wasn't constantly informed that "when the time is right and I meet the right one it will happen." What if it never happens? What if (insert copious amounts of horror here) I spend the rest of my life "alone?" Oh, the horrors...
And, interestingly enough, my issues with single-hood do not end here.
What if - *gasp* - there's something wrong with me? It's possible, in fact, it's probable. No, it's certain. I know myself too well, it seems. I know my flaws. Some of these flaws, however, remain a mystery: what about me is so repulsive to compel someone to walk away with not so much as a goodbye? Why is it that I was never asked to prom? There's obviously a reason. And don't play the "Barlow Girl" card on me. They're not lining up to date me, and there's obviously some (probably negative) reason for this. I'm probably doing something wrong. Or maybe I am just inherently flawed. Either way, it's my problem.
And this, my friends, is my honest attempt to illustrate why I wish somewhat desperately that single-hood could be redefined. After all, yeah, there are about 85 trillion things wrong with me. Maybe I am unlovable. But I refuse to believe that I am any more unlovable than my married peers. For some reason, though, I am single. I've been hopelessly single for all but two and a half weeks of my life and let's not continue to pretend that I'm simply patiently waiting for the one. I am not always so patient as I may appear. Yes, I'm okay with being single, and yet, paradoxically, I'm not okay with it. At all.
Top Four Difficult Things About Being Twenty-Two and Single (in no particular order because that's too much work at 1:15 in the morning)
4) A single girl sits with her family at the Christmas Eve church service and is forced to watch all the other young (and old, for that matter) married people arrive and sit together. Yet another example of the ways in which my single-hood excludes me from the married club, which, for some undisclosed reason is seen as more prestigious than the single club.
3) My friends slowly start dating, get engaged, and then married. While they're dating, they may start spending more time with their boyfriend than with their single friends, but it's still pretty normal. Their engagement, for me (aside from being happy for them, which I am, please don't read this blog entry as a hate note to married people :) ) is a chance to adjust to the fact that within a few months they will have entered the other side and will be even less accessible. Slumber parties will now be a thing of the past, and they will have a whole realm of experiences that they cannot (not that I want them to) discuss with me.
2) I'm alone. I live alone. (Even the potential for a roommate does not change the fact that I am fundamentally on my own in the important things of life.) I move alone. I make decisions alone. I cry alone. I laugh alone. I have wonderful friends, but they do not live life with me, but simply parallel or alongside but eventually diverging.
1) I am continuously subjected to well-meaning comments about "when you get married." As I have previously made clear, who knows if that will actually happen? The odds or appeals to probability simply remind me that there will come a time where my singleness will stop being relatively normal and will start to be a topic of conversation for my friends: "I wonder why she never got married." etc.
Yep, it's a dreary, dreary world. Actually, not really. I'm quite happy and as relatively well-adjusted as is possible given my oddities. I don't spend my days moping about my single status. However, this rant has been a long time coming. I would love to be accepted as a single woman, no strings attached. No presumptions that marriage is "just around the corner:" this presumption made it incredibly hard for me to accept the fact that I was graduating from college without a fiance, and I am not a huge fan of dreading birthdays because it means I'm that much closer to "old-maid" status. I would like to be free to love life as it comes. To embrace the joys of each day I am given, and to be respected as an adult, even if I don't have an expensive rock on my left ring finger. To all my single friends: I understand. This is for you.
I know I don't have a husband, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to cook.
Problem is, I never found "the one," and I found myself forced to redefine my life in order to avoid the heartbreak of being "unloved." If I'm not married, the best way to deal with it is to convince myself that single-hood is what is best for me, and, what's more, is what I want, even more than marriage. I moved across the country in part to prove my ability to be entirely independent. I have my own apartment, I will be doing my own taxes, and I am entirely (aside from my cell-phone and health insurance [which I could get from the school but choose not to for simplicity's sake]) independent. Success.
Being single has its advantages. I hear it every day (okay, not literally, but close). I can move across the country on a whim. I can make my own decisions. At this point the advantages seem to end... interesting, eh? It seems that marriage is the preferred life situation; however much people assure me that my life is okay the way it is, underlying it all is the assumption that I should be earnestly seeking a husband.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling inferior to my married peers. I understand that marriage and children radically changes and matures a person. But it's hard to be single sometimes. Not necessarily because I'm dying to be married, but because it feels like single-hood is a dead end that requires a conclusion before age thirty at the risk of living a meaningless life.
I wish that it were possible to radically redefine what it means to be single. I wish that I wasn't constantly asked if I have a boyfriend. I wish I wasn't constantly informed that "when the time is right and I meet the right one it will happen." What if it never happens? What if (insert copious amounts of horror here) I spend the rest of my life "alone?" Oh, the horrors...
And, interestingly enough, my issues with single-hood do not end here.
What if - *gasp* - there's something wrong with me? It's possible, in fact, it's probable. No, it's certain. I know myself too well, it seems. I know my flaws. Some of these flaws, however, remain a mystery: what about me is so repulsive to compel someone to walk away with not so much as a goodbye? Why is it that I was never asked to prom? There's obviously a reason. And don't play the "Barlow Girl" card on me. They're not lining up to date me, and there's obviously some (probably negative) reason for this. I'm probably doing something wrong. Or maybe I am just inherently flawed. Either way, it's my problem.
And this, my friends, is my honest attempt to illustrate why I wish somewhat desperately that single-hood could be redefined. After all, yeah, there are about 85 trillion things wrong with me. Maybe I am unlovable. But I refuse to believe that I am any more unlovable than my married peers. For some reason, though, I am single. I've been hopelessly single for all but two and a half weeks of my life and let's not continue to pretend that I'm simply patiently waiting for the one. I am not always so patient as I may appear. Yes, I'm okay with being single, and yet, paradoxically, I'm not okay with it. At all.
Top Four Difficult Things About Being Twenty-Two and Single (in no particular order because that's too much work at 1:15 in the morning)
4) A single girl sits with her family at the Christmas Eve church service and is forced to watch all the other young (and old, for that matter) married people arrive and sit together. Yet another example of the ways in which my single-hood excludes me from the married club, which, for some undisclosed reason is seen as more prestigious than the single club.
3) My friends slowly start dating, get engaged, and then married. While they're dating, they may start spending more time with their boyfriend than with their single friends, but it's still pretty normal. Their engagement, for me (aside from being happy for them, which I am, please don't read this blog entry as a hate note to married people :) ) is a chance to adjust to the fact that within a few months they will have entered the other side and will be even less accessible. Slumber parties will now be a thing of the past, and they will have a whole realm of experiences that they cannot (not that I want them to) discuss with me.
2) I'm alone. I live alone. (Even the potential for a roommate does not change the fact that I am fundamentally on my own in the important things of life.) I move alone. I make decisions alone. I cry alone. I laugh alone. I have wonderful friends, but they do not live life with me, but simply parallel or alongside but eventually diverging.
1) I am continuously subjected to well-meaning comments about "when you get married." As I have previously made clear, who knows if that will actually happen? The odds or appeals to probability simply remind me that there will come a time where my singleness will stop being relatively normal and will start to be a topic of conversation for my friends: "I wonder why she never got married." etc.
Yep, it's a dreary, dreary world. Actually, not really. I'm quite happy and as relatively well-adjusted as is possible given my oddities. I don't spend my days moping about my single status. However, this rant has been a long time coming. I would love to be accepted as a single woman, no strings attached. No presumptions that marriage is "just around the corner:" this presumption made it incredibly hard for me to accept the fact that I was graduating from college without a fiance, and I am not a huge fan of dreading birthdays because it means I'm that much closer to "old-maid" status. I would like to be free to love life as it comes. To embrace the joys of each day I am given, and to be respected as an adult, even if I don't have an expensive rock on my left ring finger. To all my single friends: I understand. This is for you.
I know I don't have a husband, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to cook.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
favorites: Dekker and The Bride Collector
I just finished a really good book by Ted Dekker: The Bride Collector. I spent pretty much the entire book wondering what the point was, and got to the last 10 pages, and it suddenly made sense. I've missed reading for "fun." One of the themes of the book, besides the idea that God loves each of us as his "favorite," was mental illness. Dekker seems to want to argue that mental illness is not what society has labeled it as - that it is a label that has little inherent value or meaning. There is so much truth in that, I think. It's so easy to want to think of oneself as "normal." The main character of the book, although suffering from psychotic breaks, honestly believed herself to not be psychotic. And this perspective allowed her to fight it.
Sometimes I find myself wondering somewhat the opposite. Am I really as normal as I would like to believe? I'm not saying that I believe I have some diagnosable or measurable illness. I do think it is important, however, to recognize the insanity present in everyone. I've been seeing it in myself over the past few months. There are so many ways in which I'm completely crazy. There are so many times when my fragile hold on the world seems to be on the verge of breaking entirely, so many times when I feel entirely powerless (mentally speaking) in the face of insurmountable obstacles. And yet, my incompetence and even insanity has no effect on the way that God sees me - as a woman infinitely worthy of His love. As His favorite. As forgiven and cleansed. My normalcy has no importance. My health, my appearance, and my achievements fall entirely short in the face of this love.
The notion that mental illness is a social construct is not entirely foreign to me, and the fact that it is such a central theme in Dekker's book makes me wonder about his exposure to theorists such as Foucault. I should read Madness and Civilization again, although not because I feel as if his perspective is at all correct. Just to clarify. :)
Break has been good. I haven't accomplished much (besides reading Bride Collector). Mostly I've just watched tv, hung out with friends and family, mastered tripeaks on Facebook, and messed with my profile picture so that each of my mini pictures at the top of my profile form part of my larger profile picture. (fun stuff, btw, facebooktiles.com if you're interested)
I've felt massively lazy much of the time. I was never burned out by school - a break feels more like I'm just finding an excuse to be lazy. I dunno. I'm going to be ready to start it all up again. Purpose returning to my life will not be bad. Not bad at all. And yet, I still have over a week here and a long weekend in Bellingham before classes begin. I suppose I could start being productive here and now. And yet, it's good to just think. Thinking about nothing allows me to think about deeper things. Reading "pointless" books like Bride Collector has allowed me to consider things that I may not have considered left to my own devices.
Sometimes I find myself wondering somewhat the opposite. Am I really as normal as I would like to believe? I'm not saying that I believe I have some diagnosable or measurable illness. I do think it is important, however, to recognize the insanity present in everyone. I've been seeing it in myself over the past few months. There are so many ways in which I'm completely crazy. There are so many times when my fragile hold on the world seems to be on the verge of breaking entirely, so many times when I feel entirely powerless (mentally speaking) in the face of insurmountable obstacles. And yet, my incompetence and even insanity has no effect on the way that God sees me - as a woman infinitely worthy of His love. As His favorite. As forgiven and cleansed. My normalcy has no importance. My health, my appearance, and my achievements fall entirely short in the face of this love.
The notion that mental illness is a social construct is not entirely foreign to me, and the fact that it is such a central theme in Dekker's book makes me wonder about his exposure to theorists such as Foucault. I should read Madness and Civilization again, although not because I feel as if his perspective is at all correct. Just to clarify. :)
Break has been good. I haven't accomplished much (besides reading Bride Collector). Mostly I've just watched tv, hung out with friends and family, mastered tripeaks on Facebook, and messed with my profile picture so that each of my mini pictures at the top of my profile form part of my larger profile picture. (fun stuff, btw, facebooktiles.com if you're interested)
I've felt massively lazy much of the time. I was never burned out by school - a break feels more like I'm just finding an excuse to be lazy. I dunno. I'm going to be ready to start it all up again. Purpose returning to my life will not be bad. Not bad at all. And yet, I still have over a week here and a long weekend in Bellingham before classes begin. I suppose I could start being productive here and now. And yet, it's good to just think. Thinking about nothing allows me to think about deeper things. Reading "pointless" books like Bride Collector has allowed me to consider things that I may not have considered left to my own devices.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
looking back
Being home has given me an interesting opportunity to look back. Somewhat like the eight months I had at home between college and grad school afforded me the chance to return to my roots to mourn, heal, and remember, so coming back home for a few weeks for Christmas is giving me the chance to recognize just how much has changed for me in the last few months.
I have been blessed with a new family in Washington, one that I couldn't imagine not going back to. Remembering them makes it much easier to know that I'm only in SD for a short time. My church family is incredible and I love them dearly. In the space of three months I have met so many new people, and been loved so unreservedly. I've been humbled time and again by the love, acceptance, and hospitality shown me by people who really don't know me at all.
God has answered huge prayers in my life this fall. Situations I thought to be beyond repair have been mended, and this is such an unexpected blessing. God has given me grace to cling to Him in a new environment, and in many ways I have grown in my faith through the experiences I have had.
It's all so new, yet - in some ways it seems as if it was just yesterday that I left, in other ways it seems as if I have lived a lifetime in Bellingham. I am so excited to see what God has for me there. Although my time there may end up to be relatively short, I also have abandoned all plans for the future and am striving to live unreservedly in the present.
There's so much to learn about God, so many ways that my faith needs growing. I am a piece of work, but God is so faithful. I am grateful to be home with family this Christmas season, and I am excited that God will continue to be with me as I return to my new home in a few weeks.
I have been blessed with a new family in Washington, one that I couldn't imagine not going back to. Remembering them makes it much easier to know that I'm only in SD for a short time. My church family is incredible and I love them dearly. In the space of three months I have met so many new people, and been loved so unreservedly. I've been humbled time and again by the love, acceptance, and hospitality shown me by people who really don't know me at all.
God has answered huge prayers in my life this fall. Situations I thought to be beyond repair have been mended, and this is such an unexpected blessing. God has given me grace to cling to Him in a new environment, and in many ways I have grown in my faith through the experiences I have had.
It's all so new, yet - in some ways it seems as if it was just yesterday that I left, in other ways it seems as if I have lived a lifetime in Bellingham. I am so excited to see what God has for me there. Although my time there may end up to be relatively short, I also have abandoned all plans for the future and am striving to live unreservedly in the present.
There's so much to learn about God, so many ways that my faith needs growing. I am a piece of work, but God is so faithful. I am grateful to be home with family this Christmas season, and I am excited that God will continue to be with me as I return to my new home in a few weeks.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
grades are in
Grades are in...
My theory paper went as well as could be expected: A-. Unfortunately, my participation grade was a B-...I wasn't surprised by that given my earlier conversation with him. Overall grade: B+. could be better, could definitely be worse. :)
I got an A in my Canada class, which is a relief.
Overall GPA: 3.65. Not bad, I suppose. I'll live.
My theory paper went as well as could be expected: A-. Unfortunately, my participation grade was a B-...I wasn't surprised by that given my earlier conversation with him. Overall grade: B+. could be better, could definitely be worse. :)
I got an A in my Canada class, which is a relief.
Overall GPA: 3.65. Not bad, I suppose. I'll live.
Monday, December 13, 2010
SD
I have arrived in SD. After a few days of travel and a lot of good memories made, I am here. It's funny how God works things out in the way that He does.
Driving through Beresford, it somehow felt like I had never left. Then I remembered how much has changed in my life since I was last here... It's so familiar, and yet, so much has changed. Not in this place, but in my life.
Anyway, it's 3:15 am, Central Standard Time. I'm going to bed.
Driving through Beresford, it somehow felt like I had never left. Then I remembered how much has changed in my life since I was last here... It's so familiar, and yet, so much has changed. Not in this place, but in my life.
Anyway, it's 3:15 am, Central Standard Time. I'm going to bed.
Friday, December 10, 2010
talented
It seems as if I have a talent for getting myself into awkward situations. Most of the time this comes from my people pleasing ways - I hate hurting people and so let things go that I probably shouldn't let go... you'd think I'd learn from exhibit A, or maybe exhibit B? Nope. I don't.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
overflowing joy and blessing
I drove to church this morning, blown away by the beauty of this city in which I live. The sun was still low on the horizon, casting beautifully colored hues over the bay. The blue sky against the mountains on the other side of the water was so beautiful, and I had to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road.
Today my heart overflows with joy. Nothing too particular happened, but I was just reminded again and again through the course of several rather mundane conversations with people at church how blessed I am to have found the church that I did. They have unreservedly opened their arms to me, showing me Christ's love again and again when it would be so easy to feel entirely isolated. I don't know what I would have done without them.
I fly back to South Dakota in six days. I am excited to visit my hometown and reconnect with the people I left behind to embark on this adventure. I am excited to tell them in person about what God has blessed me with out here in Bellingham. I am excited to see my family and to spend time with them. I'm not going to lie, though, it'd be really awesome if I had the superpower of being able to be in two places at once, because I am really going to miss my new family here.
On a slightly unrelated note, I finished the rough draft of my final paper for my theory class last night. I still have to read it over once more and probably make some slight changes, but it is for the most part complete. I'm terrified to hand it in, though, because I made a rather large philosophical/theoretical risk and I'm not sure how my professor will take it. I mean, I'm fairly confident there are probably holes in my argument - in fact I know that there are, as even the best theorists are critiqued. I'm just hoping that my argument is reponsible enough and well-defended enough to earn me his respect for at least trying. I'm really hoping and praying that there aren't glaring inconsistencies or that I didn't neglect important passages from books we read that would fundamentally deconstruct my argument. At the end of the day, though, what the professor thinks isn't horribly important. Even my grade isn't the most important. What matters is the journey I took to get to where I did - the fact that I wrestled openly and deeply with the issues posed by the theorists we read in class - and the fact that I finally arrived at a conclusion on which I can at least form the basis of something deeper.
Today my heart overflows with joy. Nothing too particular happened, but I was just reminded again and again through the course of several rather mundane conversations with people at church how blessed I am to have found the church that I did. They have unreservedly opened their arms to me, showing me Christ's love again and again when it would be so easy to feel entirely isolated. I don't know what I would have done without them.
I fly back to South Dakota in six days. I am excited to visit my hometown and reconnect with the people I left behind to embark on this adventure. I am excited to tell them in person about what God has blessed me with out here in Bellingham. I am excited to see my family and to spend time with them. I'm not going to lie, though, it'd be really awesome if I had the superpower of being able to be in two places at once, because I am really going to miss my new family here.
On a slightly unrelated note, I finished the rough draft of my final paper for my theory class last night. I still have to read it over once more and probably make some slight changes, but it is for the most part complete. I'm terrified to hand it in, though, because I made a rather large philosophical/theoretical risk and I'm not sure how my professor will take it. I mean, I'm fairly confident there are probably holes in my argument - in fact I know that there are, as even the best theorists are critiqued. I'm just hoping that my argument is reponsible enough and well-defended enough to earn me his respect for at least trying. I'm really hoping and praying that there aren't glaring inconsistencies or that I didn't neglect important passages from books we read that would fundamentally deconstruct my argument. At the end of the day, though, what the professor thinks isn't horribly important. Even my grade isn't the most important. What matters is the journey I took to get to where I did - the fact that I wrestled openly and deeply with the issues posed by the theorists we read in class - and the fact that I finally arrived at a conclusion on which I can at least form the basis of something deeper.
Friday, December 3, 2010
bizzare
Last night I went to the mysterious small group. It turns out it was a group from that church I attended a few times. There were four girls (including me) there. It was an interesting experience, one that, at the time, I wasn't sure how I felt about. As it concluded, though, I found myself volunteering to have it at my apartment in the future. It was one of those strange moments where I found myself committing to something that I didn't completely understand.
It was definitely a moment where I realized just how much the fact that I am a college graduate makes me radically different in some ways from people that are only a few years younger than me. I also realized how much some of my life experiences have radically changed me - I saw a younger version of myself in the girl that was leading the group (she was 18) and I simultaneously wished for those days back and realized that I would never, ever want to go back. Academia has changed me...
It was definitely a moment where I realized just how much the fact that I am a college graduate makes me radically different in some ways from people that are only a few years younger than me. I also realized how much some of my life experiences have radically changed me - I saw a younger version of myself in the girl that was leading the group (she was 18) and I simultaneously wished for those days back and realized that I would never, ever want to go back. Academia has changed me...
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
sunny with a high of...45.
The sun was out earlier today (it may still be, but I'm in a room with no windows). It was so bright. I'm not used to the blinding light of the sun. I was actually *almost* wishing the clouds would come back. Almost. It was also foggy this morning for a while, which was absolutely beautiful. I looked out over the bay, and most of it was shrouded in fog, but a few mountains were visible on the horizon.
I went in yesterday to talk to my professor, and didn't leave feeling like my world was crashing in on me. In fact, I felt like I and he had clarified a few things and I was that much more equipped to write a decent paper. That paper is all I have to do in the next 4 days, and I only have 11 or so pages left to write, so it's a good feeling, that's for sure. One of my favorite parts about the end of the semester is that I know that the end is near, so I am able to give everything I have to the few days that are left, knowing that rest is in the near future.
God has been answering prayers in regard to bringing people into my life who may very well become good friends. I have been spending more time hanging out with people from church, and have really really enjoyed the opportunity to get to know them. And, yesterday I got a random phone call from a girl named Joellyn or something - I think she's from the campus christian fellowship group, but she didn't really identify herself beyond her first name. Anyway, she invited me to a small group that is meeting on Thursday nights at Starbucks. So, tonight I'm going to show up at Starbucks and hope that I can find this mysterious small group. It is a definite answer to prayer, though, because I had gone to that other church to try to get connected with a small group, and they never contacted me, so I had pretty much given up...and now this phone call out of the blue. I'm pumped.
Life is good. I'll be flying back to South Dakota in a little over a week to spend Christmas there. Although I am very excited to see family and friends, I must admit that I am slightly bummed that I will miss Christmas in the Northwest. (see this link for a good laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koeB4z4c_7M) And, I'm going to miss the people here. It has truly become home. God is always good; even in those dark times when I wonder what is going on and want to just give up, He is there, working as always.
I went in yesterday to talk to my professor, and didn't leave feeling like my world was crashing in on me. In fact, I felt like I and he had clarified a few things and I was that much more equipped to write a decent paper. That paper is all I have to do in the next 4 days, and I only have 11 or so pages left to write, so it's a good feeling, that's for sure. One of my favorite parts about the end of the semester is that I know that the end is near, so I am able to give everything I have to the few days that are left, knowing that rest is in the near future.
God has been answering prayers in regard to bringing people into my life who may very well become good friends. I have been spending more time hanging out with people from church, and have really really enjoyed the opportunity to get to know them. And, yesterday I got a random phone call from a girl named Joellyn or something - I think she's from the campus christian fellowship group, but she didn't really identify herself beyond her first name. Anyway, she invited me to a small group that is meeting on Thursday nights at Starbucks. So, tonight I'm going to show up at Starbucks and hope that I can find this mysterious small group. It is a definite answer to prayer, though, because I had gone to that other church to try to get connected with a small group, and they never contacted me, so I had pretty much given up...and now this phone call out of the blue. I'm pumped.
Life is good. I'll be flying back to South Dakota in a little over a week to spend Christmas there. Although I am very excited to see family and friends, I must admit that I am slightly bummed that I will miss Christmas in the Northwest. (see this link for a good laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koeB4z4c_7M) And, I'm going to miss the people here. It has truly become home. God is always good; even in those dark times when I wonder what is going on and want to just give up, He is there, working as always.
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