for the crazy days of engagement, 125 days left edition

A few short days ago, I sat down to write the following:

for the crazy days of engagement, ??? days left edition 

"God's timing is always perfect," it is said.  

I stand here today not having a clue when I'll be getting married.  Thank the Navy - it appears there's a distinct possibility Justin will be deployed soon, and, with no specifics as to duration, the Navy just blew our wedding date out of the water (pun intended).  

There aren't really words for the range of emotions I have experienced over the past 48 hours: shock, anger, sorrow, fear, hope, hopelessness, each in their turn.  In recent years and months, I have struggled much with God's will.  Does God control life's events?  I was landing frequently on "no."  God walks with us, I thought, but certainly isn't ordaining or orchestrating pain.

The funny thing is, though; when this crisis hit, I realized how deeply I believe at my core that God not only holds and walks with Justin and me through this time, He is also in control.

"Thy will be done," is my prayer.

~~~ 

Justin just called from the boat.  I missed the call.  There was no voice mail.  In that moment of crazy fear, coming just as I was sitting down to write this blog post on the peace that passes all understanding, I was reminded how much my flesh and spirit fail, how dependent I am on God every moment of every day.  My peace, hope, and joy find their source in Him, not in my "good temperament," coping skills, or spirituality.

My stomach is tied in knots, my sleep is restless, and my heart hurts.  But God is my portion and my strength.  There is a peace that passes all understanding, and it is mine in Christ Jesus.

Right after I wrote the above, Justin got off work and let me know that the deployment is probably not going to happen.  For now, at least, we continue to plan and hope for a July 5 wedding.  But I hold it all with an open hand now.  God holds Justin and me and our future marriage in His hand.  There's no need for me to hold my future with a clenched fist, for God is above me, above the Navy.  He ordains each of our days and directs our footsteps.  He will not let us fall.

I'd like to think I'm getting married in 125 days.  But at the end of the day, I will leave it in God's hands.  He knows best.