for the crazy days of engagement, 135 days left edition

time moves on & pressure builds & decisions have to be made & i'm just not cut out for this planning thing & will it come together & this is not our day after all & all of the stress

My brain's a muddled mess.  I have always known I'm not really a wedding girl.  The wedding is often thought of as the bride's responsibility (which is ridiculous and in my case does not reflect reality) and I really only want one thing, no, two things out of the wedding:

1) I want to marry my love.
2) I want all of the people we love to gather in one place to celebrate family and new beginnings and love.

That's really it.  I don't have a clue how to decorate or how to do invitations or how to register or what we should really be spending money on and what it's okay to scrap.  I'm afraid of disappointing people, afraid that I'm not enough, afraid that if I don't throw a cool enough party that I'll be cast out.

I've had so many people offering me advice, some wanted, some not-so-much.  It's not that I have it all together or that I don't need help, it's that when people barrage me with lists of things that they did for their weddings or that I shouldn't do or that I need to make sure to do or everyone will be pissed, I am reminded of how much I don't fit in this world.  I am a simple girl, with simple ideas about what makes life tick.  I'm the girl without a whole lot of furniture (I do own some and would probably have collected more if not for the fact that I won't need it 4.5 months time).  I'm the girl who lived off of $900 a month with $700 of that going to rent/utilities during my first year in Bellingham.  I'm the girl who'd rather just spend time with people than watch a movie or go somewhere.

I refuse to apologize for those things.

However, I feel like I need to anyway, because suddenly my personality conflicts entirely with what is expected of me.

Do I want my wedding to be amazing?

Yes.

Will it be?

Probably not.

I'm a people pleaser, so that last bit is a hard pill to swallow.  I'm just not cut out for this.

I'm gonna pull out all the stops, even the ones I don't possess, because really and truly, I want to do a good job at this wedding thing.  I want this to be a happy day for my love and I and for the dearly loved people who will travel from near and far to attend our wedding.

I am so very sorry if I fail.

P.S.  My love is the one who's really pulling most of the weight in this wedding planning thing.  I'm so thankful for him.