the turning point

A couple nights ago, I did a Bible study with a few friends.  We're studying a theology textbook and passages of Scripture that have to do with the various subjects we cover.  The first week was so good, and then this week I felt like I struggled through the whole thing.

Have you ever felt like you're being too honest?  Typically, I view my honesty as a strength.  It is what allows me to connect with people.  Two nights ago, though, I definitely felt like my honesty about my doubts and cynicism was a weakness.  It muddled my thoughts, made my speech unclear, and distracted from the important part of our discussion: God.  I went home really confused and sad.  

Problem was, I had to lead Bible study for our entire small group the following evening.  The subject, at least, was semi-non-controversial.  Service.  I can do this, I told myself.  Maybe.

I was originally planning to do this study a week ago, so I hadn't looked at the material in great detail for over a week when I cracked open my kindle to lead the study.  I had skimmed the passages again to remind myself what they were about and that was about it.  In many ways, I think this allowed me to see it all with fresh eyes.

God showed up.

I noticed immediately that my typical cynicism was strangely absent.  I asked a few questions, listened to the answers, tried to ask questions as it seemed pertinent.  And the Bible study derailed.

It went entirely off track.  Suddenly we were talking about a subject that, as some may know, I am entirely uncomfortable leading any sort of discussion on.  Suddenly we were talking about evangelism.

A little background:  I don't like talking about evangelism.  Ever since graduate school, I've believed that to "share the gospel" with someone in the traditional sense of that word likely will mean pushing them away, and that this is almost always a negative thing.  I've been downright stubborn in holding onto this belief, actually.

In any case, as I sat there listening to this free-flowing discussion on evangelism, I kept fighting with myself.  Do I lead the discussion back to service?  After all, we're talking about service here, not sharing tracts with our friends.  They'll understand; it won't even be rude.  I can just say that, although this discussion is important, it's getting us off on a rabbit trail.  

For whatever reason, I didn't try to bring the discussion back.  I let them talk.  And, for the first time in maybe forever, I truly listened.  One guy gave his testimony, his testimony of how God has delivered him in the last week from hopelessness and sin.  He thanked the small group for their persistence in reaching out to him.    He said that if it weren't for our persistence, he'd still be without hope.  At that point, things started to click for me.

You know, I've been seeing God work through my small group for months now.  I've been watching lives changed, hearts turning toward God.  I've watched my own heart change.  And the whole time, I've remained somewhat aloof from it, thinking that there's no way that God demands assertiveness out of me.  Passivity characterizes my personality and my life.  I love God in the most passive of ways.  I'm open to God using me how He will, but I will not act.  Last night, though, as a new friend shared how his life was dramatically different than it was seven short days before, my walls began to fall down.

And, wouldn't you believe, the conversation went back to service on its own.  I never did direct it back.  

So we picked back up with our discussion of who, why, and how we serve.  And I was ridiculously convicted on a whole different range of things concerning my day to day life.  These realizations deserve their own separate post.  But I think, most of all, what I took away from last night was just how wrong I can tend to be when I'm sure that I'm right.  And just how faithful God is to speak to me when I think it's going to be me doing all the speaking.

Sometimes, evangelism is about speaking up.  About loving someone enough to reach out.  About loving someone enough to tell them what might make them push you away.  Loving someone enough to point them into the arms of Jesus.  My prayer is that I will follow Jesus every day, that I will live in his presence and allow that presence to saturate my actions.  That I will be bold in my self-sacrifice and bold in my service.  That I will love in word and deed.

God, forgive me, for I am the worst of fools.

a dose of indignation and frustration

Dear Wayne Grudem,

I appreciate so many things about your book "Systematic Theology," really, I do.  You cover a lot of ground and have a creepily high knowledge of all scripture that talks about whatever subject you're discussing.  Tonight, however, you are just making me angry.  I'm reading chapter two at the moment.  Can we talk about your open and shut handling of complex issues that deserve more than a "here's two isolated verses out of context to back up my claim?"  Your book is already 1200 pages long, so it might as well be even longer.  As is, there are so many unsupported presuppositions.  So much fear-mongering.  I hope that you don't approach life like that all of the time.  I would be intimidated to know you, because, to me, God seems so much more complex than your open and shut rendering of His "Word," but I feel after reading your chapter on "The Word of God" that there's a short road to hell awaiting me if I don't fall in line on every last point.

That is all, I guess.

Marilee

P.S. It's probably for the best you'll never read this.

all of the mountains

I used to think I was pretty difficult to read.  Pretty good at "faking it."  Apparently I have either lost this skill, or I no longer possess the desire to exercise it.  Ever since moving to the South, I have been consistently unhappy.  I know some of the factors that contribute to my unhappiness, but for the most part, it outwardly appears unwarranted.  I have a job I love and I have friendships I will treasure forever.  I'm growing in my faith in ways I never have before, and I am more sure of who I am than I have been in maybe forever.

But on nights like tonight, the stress of life got to me.  I wasn't so much upset as I was burdened.  Actually, in comparison to so many other days and nights I have had here in this state I love to dislike, this was a good one.

Tonight was assisted living center night.  This involves my friends and I going to hang out with some awesome elderly people for an hour or so on Wednesday nights.  We talk with them and play/sing music (mostly hymns).  In any case, I showed up fashionably late and went directly into the sitting room to begin playing the piano.  It's on nights like tonight that the idea of small talk leaves me entirely overwhelmed.  Music is my escape.

And so I began singing some worship songs from my binder of songs that I carry with me from Washington.  I immediately became overwhelmed with the sweet relief of the truth of who God is.  Sometimes I can get caught up in fear.  Sometimes I encounter situations in life that throw everything into chaos.  But God's love for me is unwavering.  In my darkest day, my darkest sin, His love is extravagant.  His forgiveness is complete.  He offers a way for me to follow.  He simply asks me to leave everything behind and go after him.  His yoke is easy, His burden is light.

We moved to singing hymns, and in contemplating the lyrics of so many of the hymns we sang, I was again thankful for the great mercy and love of the God we serve.  His mercies are new every morning.  Great is His faithfulness.  He loved me 'ere I knew him, and all my love is due him.

I have so many questions about God and about life and death and sin.  But this I know.  My God loves me.  He loves me in the little details of the mundane.  In the saddest and the happiest times, He loves me.  I know my Savior, and I know that His love moves mountains.

All of the mountains.

And I'm so thankful.

God forgive me, for I hate.

One of my biggest struggles in life is the pain of knowing someone is wrong, and knowing that nothing I do or say will change their mind.  Knowing that I have to let them choose the wrong, and knowing that they may never realize the tragedy of their error.

It's impossible for me to understand how people arrive at some of the conclusions they do.  Misinformation, brainwashing, fear.  It all washes together and creates a situation that paralyzes the strongest among us.  Leaves us fearful, hateful, and obsessive.

I want to vanquish fear in my life.  Live my life to the rhythm of love.  I am thankful for the work God has accomplished in my heart to this end so far, and I am so grateful he continues to work in me.

Perfect love drives out fear.

And for that, I am thankful.

This world is a messed up place.  I learn more of its darkness each day.  We hate each other, we tear down what we build.  We manipulate, we kill, we allow suffering as long as it's out of our sight.  We murder our brothers time and again with our hate-filled thoughts.

It's hard for me not to choose anger when confronted with the brokenness of those around me.  I want to scream and rage.  And yet, God calls me to love.  To make all of my actions motivated by love, even when those I am called to love do nothing to deserve it.

And so I lay down my arms.  I lay down my rage and my self-righteous indignation.  I stand with and up for the broken, but I love even their enemies.  Even those who hurt the people Jesus loves and died for.  I view none as beyond the love and mercy of my beautiful Savior.  To do any less is a mockery of the cross where Jesus died, taking on the wrong of the entire world that we might have life, hope, peace and joy.

God, forgive me, for I hate.

My default reaction is fury.  May I learn, rather, to react with love.  May my pacifism be filled with strength, may my love be tempered with hard honesty.  May God be glorified, even in my weakness and constant failure.

meet Marilee, the doubter

I have a fear.  A fear of leading Bible studies.  It's sort of a funny fear, because leading Bible studies used to be in my job description.  As a summer camp counselor, I lead daily Bible studies.  Daily.

And now I find out I have to lead a Bible study and all I can feel is paralyzed.  

I know what happened.  School happened.

My degree in history is something I prize very highly.  I learned how to think, how to reason, how to debate, how to write.  I know how to discuss, and how to beat around the proverbial bush.  I know how to respect and celebrate opinions different than mine, a skill which I used to not have at all.  In moderation, these skills are great.

But when it comes time to lead other Christians on subjects having to do with the thing I hold most dear - my faith - I clam up.  I'm terrified.  A lot of it has to do, I think, with the fact that in leading a Bible study I am drawing on skills I possessed in some degree before I became a historian.  There is a great deal of internal conflict involved with reconciling my past with my present, the believer with the cynic and doubter.  I want to have certainty about so many things that I just don't.  I want to know what I think about this, that, and the other thing, but I am constantly aware of how little I know, of how big my God is, and of how complicated life is.

I'm fine with not knowing, until it's time to know.  In leading a Bible study, I feel incredible pressure to "preach."  To have the answers.  To be knowledgeable and faith-filled.  

But I'm not.  

I'm just me, and I can't escape that fact no matter how much I try.  

And, in the midst of this reality, a glimmer of peace emerges.  

It's okay to not have the answers.  It's okay to ask questions.  It's okay to read the Bible, to read it carefully, with much prayer and with much study, and still come away with no solid answers.  The Bible is so much bigger than me.  So much wiser, so much more...everything.  It tells the story of a God who is entirely other and entirely present simultaneously.  Of a God who evades simple characterizations.  Who is Love.  

Maybe that's why it's hard for me to lead a Bible study.  Because I want answers, and the answers evade me.  I learn more about my Savior every time I study His Scriptures, but that knowledge is always being added to, always expanded.

My prayer is that my fear would no longer paralyze me.  My prayer is that I would learn to work within my skepticism.  My prayer is that Love would triumph in all things.  That I would always choose God and choose love.  Even when it's entirely unclear and entirely painful.  Even when I have no answers, may I cling to what I know.

And this I do know: God is with me.  I know that like the air I breathe.  And I want to share this God with everyone I meet.  I'm still trying to figure out how that all works out in my daily life, what it looks like to love God with my life.  But every day I'm growing.  Every day God leads me closer, leads me into a deeper knowledge of Him.  

Thank you, God.

my failure in all its splendor

I take pride in my strength.  I am Marilee, the girl who moved 1,500 miles from home to go to graduate school.  I conquered graduate school in two years and then moved all by myself 3,000 miles away to the opposite coast.  I am Marilee, the girl who has known Jesus as my Savior as long as I can remember.  I am Marilee, the girl who knows about stuff.  Who is wise.  Who has all of her ducks in a row, so to speak.  I am a strong woman.  I call the shots in my life, and I serve God through it all.

Tonight, I felt my hold on all of my accomplishments draining like so much water through my desperately clenched fists.  Tonight I realized how little control I have over anything.  At all.  Tonight I appreciated in all its ugly reality my instability, my frailty.  My utter brokenness.

All of my accomplishments?  They do nothing but put up a wall between God and me.  My righteousness, it's like filthy rags.  Tonight I almost broke down as the weight of my utter failure became so glaringly apparent.  I struggle to cope with change that is thrown at me without my consent.  And as I struggle with this, I realize how much I confine God to certain areas of my life and heart.

"God, I want to serve You in this, this, and this way."  "God, this is how I see You working.  Not that way."   "God, I thank you for giving me this opportunity to use my gifts for You.  Certainly You know what You're doing in entrusting this to me.  (Because I'm pretty cool)."  "God, be with me.  Comfort me.  Help me."

My prayers are saturated to the breaking point with my sinful pride.  My entirely false presupposition that God needs me.  That I'm important.

Tonight that all fell away, and I was left with the ugly truth of how much God doesn't need me.  Tonight I was in many ways more broken on a spiritual level than I have been in maybe forever.  Tonight God reminded me that it is only because of Him that I live and breathe and serve.  His Name is why I love my neighbor.  His Son is why I give my life in service to the hurt and broken and poor and forgotten.  His Name is my heart's cry, my reason for living.  Not building my own little kingdom here on earth.  Not gathering respect or recognition or rewards.  Him and Him only.

God, forgive me.

unceasing prayer

The following is a reflection the few times in my life where I have approached what it means to “pray without ceasing.”  May I learn even now to pray like this on a daily basis.  May God be my focus and my refuge.  May His spirit and His wisdom guide my every action.  May I learn to put His ways ahead of mine.

Your will be done, Father.

“Maybe I’m just being over dramatic,” I thought to myself.  And yet, it was all I could do to maintain some level of alertness and presence in the social situation in which I found myself.  You see, I couldn’t stop praying.

I prayed.  I prayed like I hadn’t prayed in so long.  It seemed as if every other breath was a prayer.  ”God, have mercy.”  ”God, heal our hearts.”  ”God, may I see this as you see it.”  ”God, be with him.”  ”God, be with her.”  ”God, forgive me for my anger, for the walls I put up.  Forgive me for not speaking up, for not coming to his defense.”  ”God, forgive me for acting out of anger rather than love, out of fear rather than boldness.”  ”God, be with us, hold us together for Your name’s sake.”  ”God, give me a portion of the humility that your Son had.  May your name be lifted high.”  ”God, You are good.”  ”Daddy, You overcome me with your presence.  Thank you for being here.”

And, you know, God was there.  I felt him moving in that room.  Tension dissolves into love as the Holy Spirit moves.  I found reason to discard my jaded perceptions.  I realized how much more there is in me to forgive than in those whom I judge.  That realization haunts me even now.  How easily does pride invade.  How quickly does that which is holy and pure become polluted by self, God silenced by man.

God, forgive us.

Forgive me for not speaking up.  Forgive me for wanting to speak up for all of the wrong reasons.  Forgive me for ceasing to pray.  Forgive me for taking up my burdens rather than laying them at your feet.  Thank You that You are the healer, and that you work in spite of my sinful silence.  You are all that is good in this world.  May I realize this each day with more clarity.

i want you to know that

My sophomore year of college, it all came crashing down around me.  I started wondering if God exists.  I remember the emptiness of considering a life without Jesus.  I remember the frustration I experienced when spiritual "highs" and summer camp Christianity were no longer enough.  I remember the fear I faced when I waded through college coursework pertaining to faith and doubt.  I remember the anger I felt that I would be faced with these questions, that my God-fearing professors would dare to expose me to these dangerous ideas.  I remember the quest on which I embarked - the journey toward finding my old faith.

You know, I never did find it.

I'm still a cynic, a doubter.  I have questions to which there are no easy answers.  My relationship with God is always changing, one day it's close, the next I've fallen entirely away.  The questions come and go.  Sometimes they sidetrack everything else, and I'm consumed by them for weeks at a time.

But through it all, God remains.

He's such a big God, friends.  He doesn't change, even when my views of Him are stretched and changed.  Even when I think I have him figured out only to realize just how wrong I was, He has always been and always will be entirely beyond my comprehension.

If there's one thing of which I'm certain, only one thing, it's that God exists.  And if God exists, He's big enough for my questions.

So I'm gonna keep asking them.  I'm gonna keep asking them because I don't know how to remain silent.  And with each day, I'm becoming more confident that the questions I ask are exactly the ones I need to be asking.  I'm becoming more confident that it's okay to be the cynic.  It's okay to be the doubter.  It's okay to recognize that I don't have anything figured out.

Because, my friends, "I" don't matter.  God is all that matters.  And He is unquenchable.

God simply asks me to trust Him.  And trust Him I do.  The more I study about him, the more I love him.  He is the light of my life, He is what keeps me going.  He is the reason for my hope.

And so I want you to know that fear has no place here.  God isn't going anywhere.  Shout, scream, question, cry, doubt, and He'll still be there.

Fear not.

knowing God's will

Today God did not reveal Himself to me.

I told Him He could.  I waited for direction.  He did not oblige.

And I’m not surprised.

I'm not surprised because, in the final analysis, I think God wants us to serve Him.  I think He wants us to love him, to love our neighbor, and to serve Him and our neighbor with every fiber of our being.  I think He wants us to pursue justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Him.  I think that is the will of God.  To pursue the heart of God, to love Him above all else, and to let that love manifest itself in service.  

Sometimes life just plain sucks.  It gets messy when we forget to serve God, when we begin serving ourselves.  Pain comes our way.  Tribulations badger us.  God tests our faith.  And we are asked through all of that to pursue wisdom.  To ask for wisdom.  To follow wisdom.  

I don’t think God tells us what to do.  I don’t think He says “go here,” or “go there.”  At least not on a daily level.  I think God wants us to learn to pursue His heart, to pursue His wisdom, to learn to know His voice through His Word.  And I think if we do that, we will find ourselves following the will of God.  Not because we turned right at the intersection, not because we knocked three times on door number six, but because we gave ourselves wholly to His service.