these days

These days I don't do much evangelizing.
I don't quote much Scripture.
I don't invite many friends to church.
I don't like to bash the Muslims or the Mormons or the Pentecostals or the Catholics.
These days I'm pretty much an epic failure of a Christian.

These days I spend a lot of time staring at the lines in the tablecloth.
I listen to knowing and unknowing racism with shame.
I tap my foot uncomfortably, nervously, as lies and misinformation are propagated as absolute truth.
I find I don't fit much at all in this tapestry of faith and politics and culture called evangelical Christianity.
These days I would rather stay at home and thus preserve my sanity.

These days I'm confused.
I don't understand too much.
I don't have any of the Bible verses, just my conscience.
I don't like to speak.
These days I'm afraid to let them know just how much I doubt.

These days I find myself wanting only to love.
I want food for the hungry.
I want peace for the restless and broken.
I want God for the godless and the godly.
These days I don't want to fight.

These days I find myself loving Jesus.
I am hungry for Him, for His Word.
I read the Scriptures, looking to see God revealed.
I feel His presence in my life, refining my broken and sinful heart.
These days I'm stumbling after a broken figure bent under the weight of a brutal cross.

These days I'm alone.
I'm cynical.
I'm a doubter.
I believe in heresies.
These days I cringe to be considered a Christian.