I don't know that I'll forget that weekend in Kansas City at the end of 2007. It changed my life, although not maybe in the ways originally thought.
I was at the beginning of my two year struggle with my faith, and it was intensely disorienting. I met my former roommate in Kansas City to attend OneThing (an IHOP conference). The weekend was really intense, and at the time it was just what was needed to restore my faith. The emotionally charged atmosphere convinced me of God's presence. Of course, looking back, I'm a bit more cynical. Mike Huckabee never saved America, for one. But that wasn't important at the time.
One of the things that came out of that conference that has perhaps had the largest long-term impact on my life came out of a time of "prophecy." During a time when all those who were twenty (I turned twenty that weekend) were supposed to identify themselves to be prophesied over, a woman who I had never met and never talked to afterward prophesied over me. Say what you will about it, but the things she felt God had placed on her heart to say to me were eerily specific to the things I had been thinking about/struggling with at the time. I don't remember what they all were, but one of the main things that came out of it was that I felt called to be a worship leader.
I have never felt specifically called to lead worship in a formal setting. I don't particularly like the politics of "worship," and I get really stressed out trying to please a diverse group of people with varying tastes in music and varying worship styles. I have, however, over the course of the last three and a half years since OneThing, felt a consistent calling to lead worship informally. I haven't often obeyed. In college my friends and I did informal worship times off and on, and it was incredible, but beyond that, I have ran away. I remember talking myself out of it many a time when I was living at home in South Dakota. I convinced myself that the people at my church wouldn't understand, or that it would be weird only having piano. And I let the time go by without obeying.
This time, I didn't escape. Oh, I tried, believe me. I put it off, put it off again, and hoped that it'd just go away. Of course, it didn't, because this time someone else had a similar idea. She and I are starting a monthly worship night at our church.
Last night I was terrified. Terrified to the point of...I don't even know how to describe it. It was a very dark place emotionally. I find my biggest insecurities revolve around being "in charge." I'd much rather someone else take the fall for anything that may go wrong. And yet, there's a strange sort of freedom in finally following what I believe God has called me to.
Dearest Savior,
I'm so sorry for my tendency to run full-speed in the opposite direction - both in this situation specifically and also in my faith-journey more generally. I'm sorry for letting my fears stop me from loving You and following You. I'm sorry for believing the lies, and I'm sorry for letting the darkness around me stop me from seeking the light. May my life be in some small, insignificant way glorifying to You. I will be satisfied if as a result of my life just one person comes to know You better. May I seek You more each day, and may this prayer be more than just words, more than just rhetoric. Thank You that my inadequacies, my insanity, my darkness matters not...that Your light is more than enough to extinguish the darkness...that, however it works, however crazy it is, You shine through me.
Your daughter,
Marilee
Friday, June 24, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
moments of inspiration
It sometimes becomes quite evident that I am a product of my time... I often think in facebook status form. I also often think about blog posts that I would write if I was at a computer. Of course 99% of these are never written, because I'm not at a computer. This post represents my feeble attempt to recreate a few of the things I have been thinking about lately.
Retail job update:
I love it. Yep, I've been converted from a hater to a huge fan. I actually enjoy going to work, I hate taking breaks, and I rarely get bored. I'm not exactly sure what has possessed me to like something so mundane and terrible (yes, it is terrible in many respects...there are many times when if you were a mouse on my shoulder you would hear me mumbling things to myself: "Who do you think you are? Were you born in a barn? You jerk! WHAT!?" etc.) And yet, there is something strangely addicting about spending hours and hours in racks and racks of clothing. On Thursday I started organizing girls clothing. I was having such a blast, and, I will proudly say that my main rack that I created still exists in a near perfect form. That's when you know you've created a masterpiece...customers don't mess it up. I created a masterpiece of that nature in infants yesterday...although it hasn't stood the test of time as long as the one in girls.
Tonight, though, tested my love. A bunch of people called in sick (ok, only one or two, but they didn't schedule many people today [which, by the way, makes no sense since it was stinking FATHER'S DAY and SO BUSY]) and we were sorely understaffed. We all took turns in the fitting room (I spent two un-scarring hours there, which was surprising given last time was a train wreck), and the rest of my day except for the last half hour was literally spent on emptying three carts. I didn't get to do any of the fun organizing wracks stuff which I have come to love, not to mention the fact that I only folded one table out of like 8. Oops. The good news is is that the support manager lady no longer does walk offs for me, so I don't have that fear looming over my night.
It seems I have graduated from "newbie" status. There is officially a new wave of associates (two waves in soft-lines, actually), so people come to me for advice now. Tonight I spent about 15 minutes reassuring the newest girl that even though there is almost no formal training, it gets better with time. It's weird to not be new anymore...and to not constantly have people telling me "If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask." It's also weird to know where everything is in the infants and girls sections (and a fair amount about the other clothes sections too). Like, show me a shirt, and I'll be able to walk you to exactly where it is.
I have decided, though, that I absolutely need to quit this job come September. Although I would probably be able to make it work schedule wise (just work weekends and nights) I don't think it's worth it. Working there would mean absolutely no social life, no opportunity to just enjoy my last year here... I need to quit, even if I do like it and even if I do like the extra income and even if I do feel like a jerk for quitting.
On seasons:
Okay...is it SERIOUSLY June 19th (20th technically) already? I think that is by far the strangest part about living in Washington. The winter was warmer than I'm used to, sure. But even that wasn't such a shock because it was still coldish. I still wore a jacket, there was snow every once in a while, etc. But this, THIS, is just crazy. It was like...60 today. And it hasn't been "hot" yet. I don't exactly miss it, but it is really disorienting for it to be well into what I would consider "summer" but for it to still be so cold. I do hope it gets warmer before "summer" ends...I would be sad if there wasn't at least one day when I felt normal wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
Retail job update:
I love it. Yep, I've been converted from a hater to a huge fan. I actually enjoy going to work, I hate taking breaks, and I rarely get bored. I'm not exactly sure what has possessed me to like something so mundane and terrible (yes, it is terrible in many respects...there are many times when if you were a mouse on my shoulder you would hear me mumbling things to myself: "Who do you think you are? Were you born in a barn? You jerk! WHAT!?" etc.) And yet, there is something strangely addicting about spending hours and hours in racks and racks of clothing. On Thursday I started organizing girls clothing. I was having such a blast, and, I will proudly say that my main rack that I created still exists in a near perfect form. That's when you know you've created a masterpiece...customers don't mess it up. I created a masterpiece of that nature in infants yesterday...although it hasn't stood the test of time as long as the one in girls.
Tonight, though, tested my love. A bunch of people called in sick (ok, only one or two, but they didn't schedule many people today [which, by the way, makes no sense since it was stinking FATHER'S DAY and SO BUSY]) and we were sorely understaffed. We all took turns in the fitting room (I spent two un-scarring hours there, which was surprising given last time was a train wreck), and the rest of my day except for the last half hour was literally spent on emptying three carts. I didn't get to do any of the fun organizing wracks stuff which I have come to love, not to mention the fact that I only folded one table out of like 8. Oops. The good news is is that the support manager lady no longer does walk offs for me, so I don't have that fear looming over my night.
It seems I have graduated from "newbie" status. There is officially a new wave of associates (two waves in soft-lines, actually), so people come to me for advice now. Tonight I spent about 15 minutes reassuring the newest girl that even though there is almost no formal training, it gets better with time. It's weird to not be new anymore...and to not constantly have people telling me "If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask." It's also weird to know where everything is in the infants and girls sections (and a fair amount about the other clothes sections too). Like, show me a shirt, and I'll be able to walk you to exactly where it is.
I have decided, though, that I absolutely need to quit this job come September. Although I would probably be able to make it work schedule wise (just work weekends and nights) I don't think it's worth it. Working there would mean absolutely no social life, no opportunity to just enjoy my last year here... I need to quit, even if I do like it and even if I do like the extra income and even if I do feel like a jerk for quitting.
On seasons:
Okay...is it SERIOUSLY June 19th (20th technically) already? I think that is by far the strangest part about living in Washington. The winter was warmer than I'm used to, sure. But even that wasn't such a shock because it was still coldish. I still wore a jacket, there was snow every once in a while, etc. But this, THIS, is just crazy. It was like...60 today. And it hasn't been "hot" yet. I don't exactly miss it, but it is really disorienting for it to be well into what I would consider "summer" but for it to still be so cold. I do hope it gets warmer before "summer" ends...I would be sad if there wasn't at least one day when I felt normal wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
sleep and dreams
So, night before last I didn't sleep - I pulled an all-nighter and went to bed around 5:30 am. I slept til 3:30 pm. 10 hours of sleep. Of course, the last few hours of that were characterized by me pushing snooze/resetting my alarm. I figured it'd be hard to sleep the next night.
Last night I went to bed around 2. Decided not to set my alarm to see what happened - told myself I'd get up the first time I woke up for real. It maybe took me a half hour at the most to fall asleep, which was surprising, given my sleep pattern from the "night" before. I woke up with a random coughing fit around 5:00. Back asleep by 5:20 or so. I slept without really waking up (except half-waking up to roll over) until 1:30 pm. 1 stinking 30! This is bizarre to me. Why on earth did I sleep for 11 hours?
I wish I wasn't like this. I love sleeping too much, and when given the chance I sleep quite literally half of my life away.
My dreams were entertaining, at least. I dreamed that myself and three other friends from school here were involved in some sort of illegal operation that involved us catching a ship to sail away somewhere. Before doing this, though, we all went on this weird shopping spree where as soon as one of us paid for the merchandise, the others would be summoned and would leave the store to board the ship with their merchandise without paying for it. In my dream this was, although illegal, something necessary for our very survival. The necessity outweighed the illegality. We did this at several stores - I would always be the first one to check out, so I'd have to pay for my merchandise. Then we went to Fred Meyers (kinda funny since I've never been in one in real life). In my dream this was a HUGE, dimly lit Sams Club kinda place where they sold everything from clothes to food to toys to whatever. I'm assuming Fred Meyers is kinda like that in real life. (maybe not the dimly lit part). The lights were so dim that it was difficult to see, except in this one random part of the grocery section where the lights were insanely bright. Anyway. At this store I decided not to be the first one to check out, because I realized I would not only have more time to grab stuff if I did so, but would also not have to pay for anything. So I was RUNNING around the store haphazardly grabbing stuff and throwing it in my cart. My cart began to overflow, and I couldn't find anything else that would be remotely useful to me...and still the others had not checked out. It soon became evident that no one was going to...that we all had the same strategy. So we had this meeting where it was decided that one of the others was going to pay for her stuff (she had the least amount so it fell to her) while the rest of us prepared to make a break for it (we had so much stuff that the "security" guys were suspicious and were following us around the store. So she paid, and we all started running. For some reason one of the other guys combined the stuff in his cart with the stuff in mine (it was REALLY full now) and so he was pulling the cart with a tow rope attached to a bike that he rode, while I pushed it running. At first I was able to keep up running, but then one of my legs went numb and I was kinda just holding onto the cart and letting it pull me (we were going so fast that doing this caused my legs to fly behind me like I was weightless or something.) Then we crashed the cart, and one of my legs was numb from sheer exhaustion, and I couldn't run anymore. Then I woke up and realized it was 1:30.
Hope you all enjoyed that recreation of my bizarre shop-lifting dream.
Last night I went to bed around 2. Decided not to set my alarm to see what happened - told myself I'd get up the first time I woke up for real. It maybe took me a half hour at the most to fall asleep, which was surprising, given my sleep pattern from the "night" before. I woke up with a random coughing fit around 5:00. Back asleep by 5:20 or so. I slept without really waking up (except half-waking up to roll over) until 1:30 pm. 1 stinking 30! This is bizarre to me. Why on earth did I sleep for 11 hours?
I wish I wasn't like this. I love sleeping too much, and when given the chance I sleep quite literally half of my life away.
My dreams were entertaining, at least. I dreamed that myself and three other friends from school here were involved in some sort of illegal operation that involved us catching a ship to sail away somewhere. Before doing this, though, we all went on this weird shopping spree where as soon as one of us paid for the merchandise, the others would be summoned and would leave the store to board the ship with their merchandise without paying for it. In my dream this was, although illegal, something necessary for our very survival. The necessity outweighed the illegality. We did this at several stores - I would always be the first one to check out, so I'd have to pay for my merchandise. Then we went to Fred Meyers (kinda funny since I've never been in one in real life). In my dream this was a HUGE, dimly lit Sams Club kinda place where they sold everything from clothes to food to toys to whatever. I'm assuming Fred Meyers is kinda like that in real life. (maybe not the dimly lit part). The lights were so dim that it was difficult to see, except in this one random part of the grocery section where the lights were insanely bright. Anyway. At this store I decided not to be the first one to check out, because I realized I would not only have more time to grab stuff if I did so, but would also not have to pay for anything. So I was RUNNING around the store haphazardly grabbing stuff and throwing it in my cart. My cart began to overflow, and I couldn't find anything else that would be remotely useful to me...and still the others had not checked out. It soon became evident that no one was going to...that we all had the same strategy. So we had this meeting where it was decided that one of the others was going to pay for her stuff (she had the least amount so it fell to her) while the rest of us prepared to make a break for it (we had so much stuff that the "security" guys were suspicious and were following us around the store. So she paid, and we all started running. For some reason one of the other guys combined the stuff in his cart with the stuff in mine (it was REALLY full now) and so he was pulling the cart with a tow rope attached to a bike that he rode, while I pushed it running. At first I was able to keep up running, but then one of my legs went numb and I was kinda just holding onto the cart and letting it pull me (we were going so fast that doing this caused my legs to fly behind me like I was weightless or something.) Then we crashed the cart, and one of my legs was numb from sheer exhaustion, and I couldn't run anymore. Then I woke up and realized it was 1:30.
Hope you all enjoyed that recreation of my bizarre shop-lifting dream.
Monday, June 13, 2011
summer has arrived.
Warning: this post is of a highly sentimental nature.
Tonight when I got off work at 11 pm I decided to go to school to finish up the grading for this quarter. As I walked into campus, I was struck by how absolutely deserted it was. I walked for blocks upon blocks without seeing a soul - and this at 11:30 at night, when campus is usually still humming with activity. Just two or three days ago, things were so different around here.
I can't believe the first year is done. It went so quickly...so much has happened and I've grown and changed so much. And now, rather abruptly in my opinion, it all comes to a close.
This morning I woke up to go to church, and when I stepped outside, I was struck by just how cool the air was. This certainly isn't the midwest; no humidity here. Crazily enough, I miss the humidity. I guess it goes to show you that homesickness is not always entirely rational. I miss the energy sapping blanket of heat and humidity that characterized my summers growing up. I miss stepping out of the Welcome Center at Newton Hills into a blanket of heat. A sauna that was just as near as stepping out the back door.
Of course, I don't really miss it. I'm sure one second of it would have me kicking and screaming to come back to Washington. And yet, sometimes, just sometimes, it'd be nice to be uncomfortably warm, if only if it would remind me of home.
Tonight I committed an unpardonable sin at my new job - I had a real conversation with a coworker. I remember the first few shifts I worked there, when I told myself that I must avoid all relationships with people so that it'd be really easy to quit come September... looks like that's going out the window. It is increasingly hard to avoid people, though. If I want to be successful at my job, I need to work with others as a team, and I can no longer play the "I'm new" card.
I also told myself that I wouldn't believe the managers when they complimented me. After all, I'm fairly certain that they really have no idea whether I'm "doing a good job," since they never work with me. I'm fairly certain it's just a motivational line they tell everyone so that people will have good attitudes and work harder, not realizing as acutely the fact that they are slaving away for minimum wage at a store that is raking in the dough hand over fist. And yet, those managers are just so disarmingly nice! Why must they compliment me? WHYYYY???
So tonight I committed two unpardonable sins. I talked to people, and I took a compliment and let it motivate me to work even harder. Tsk, tsk, Marilee. Tsk, tsk.
Tonight when I got off work at 11 pm I decided to go to school to finish up the grading for this quarter. As I walked into campus, I was struck by how absolutely deserted it was. I walked for blocks upon blocks without seeing a soul - and this at 11:30 at night, when campus is usually still humming with activity. Just two or three days ago, things were so different around here.
I can't believe the first year is done. It went so quickly...so much has happened and I've grown and changed so much. And now, rather abruptly in my opinion, it all comes to a close.
This morning I woke up to go to church, and when I stepped outside, I was struck by just how cool the air was. This certainly isn't the midwest; no humidity here. Crazily enough, I miss the humidity. I guess it goes to show you that homesickness is not always entirely rational. I miss the energy sapping blanket of heat and humidity that characterized my summers growing up. I miss stepping out of the Welcome Center at Newton Hills into a blanket of heat. A sauna that was just as near as stepping out the back door.
Of course, I don't really miss it. I'm sure one second of it would have me kicking and screaming to come back to Washington. And yet, sometimes, just sometimes, it'd be nice to be uncomfortably warm, if only if it would remind me of home.
Tonight I committed an unpardonable sin at my new job - I had a real conversation with a coworker. I remember the first few shifts I worked there, when I told myself that I must avoid all relationships with people so that it'd be really easy to quit come September... looks like that's going out the window. It is increasingly hard to avoid people, though. If I want to be successful at my job, I need to work with others as a team, and I can no longer play the "I'm new" card.
I also told myself that I wouldn't believe the managers when they complimented me. After all, I'm fairly certain that they really have no idea whether I'm "doing a good job," since they never work with me. I'm fairly certain it's just a motivational line they tell everyone so that people will have good attitudes and work harder, not realizing as acutely the fact that they are slaving away for minimum wage at a store that is raking in the dough hand over fist. And yet, those managers are just so disarmingly nice! Why must they compliment me? WHYYYY???
So tonight I committed two unpardonable sins. I talked to people, and I took a compliment and let it motivate me to work even harder. Tsk, tsk, Marilee. Tsk, tsk.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
dancing in the rain
I remember the moments I thought life changing. The countless times when I've thought my life would never be the same, that from that moment forward I was going to walk in a new direction. That prayer I prayed, that pledge I made, that week at summer camp, that lease I signed, that job I took.
Sure, those moments did change the course of my life. And yet, I believe heart-level change never comes in a moment. True change is a long process that comes softly...when one day I wake up and realize I barely recognize myself.
I have those moments frequently now, because I believe that in many ways I have slowly changed over the course of the past five years. I don't view the world the same anymore, I don't view faith the same anymore...
Or is it really change at all? As the world moves around me, as I grow older, as the people and places surrounding me change, am I any different?
Sure, I'm less naive, more jaded, better educated, more (and less) confident...I am all of those things.
But hiding somewhere deep inside I'm still the little girl running barefoot through the grass and riding trikes for hours on end just because I can. I'm still the camp counselor with a simple faith dancing barefoot in the rain. I'm still that high school sophomore playing Barbies with my sisters because we haven't lost our love for "pretend." I'm still a hopeless romantic waiting for my happy-ever-after.
The world changes around me, my vocabulary and modes of expression shift, and yet...I am unchanged. There's something deeply comforting about that. Even as I strive to be more mature and fit in in this adult world, I long to never lose my child-like heart.
The other day as I was walking to campus it began to downpour. I had no raincoat, no umbrella... My flip-flops quickly became a hazard, and I joined the hipster crowd and walked the rest of the way to school barefoot. Although I don't normally do things like this anymore, there was something so exhilarating about the rain... it brought me back to a world where it was cool to run barefoot in the rain, where mud slides and mud fights characterized a rainy day.
Sometimes I miss that world.
Next time it rains, I'll be prepared.
Sure, those moments did change the course of my life. And yet, I believe heart-level change never comes in a moment. True change is a long process that comes softly...when one day I wake up and realize I barely recognize myself.
I have those moments frequently now, because I believe that in many ways I have slowly changed over the course of the past five years. I don't view the world the same anymore, I don't view faith the same anymore...
Or is it really change at all? As the world moves around me, as I grow older, as the people and places surrounding me change, am I any different?
Sure, I'm less naive, more jaded, better educated, more (and less) confident...I am all of those things.
But hiding somewhere deep inside I'm still the little girl running barefoot through the grass and riding trikes for hours on end just because I can. I'm still the camp counselor with a simple faith dancing barefoot in the rain. I'm still that high school sophomore playing Barbies with my sisters because we haven't lost our love for "pretend." I'm still a hopeless romantic waiting for my happy-ever-after.
The world changes around me, my vocabulary and modes of expression shift, and yet...I am unchanged. There's something deeply comforting about that. Even as I strive to be more mature and fit in in this adult world, I long to never lose my child-like heart.
The other day as I was walking to campus it began to downpour. I had no raincoat, no umbrella... My flip-flops quickly became a hazard, and I joined the hipster crowd and walked the rest of the way to school barefoot. Although I don't normally do things like this anymore, there was something so exhilarating about the rain... it brought me back to a world where it was cool to run barefoot in the rain, where mud slides and mud fights characterized a rainy day.
Sometimes I miss that world.
Next time it rains, I'll be prepared.
Monday, June 6, 2011
summer in paradise
Tonight as I was walking across campus, with the wind gently blowing, I realized that it was one of the first times that I have truly enjoyed wind. It was the perfect kind of wind - not too crazy, not too cold, and not too warm to be appreciated. Cooling in the no-shivers sort of way.
That's how Bellingham is in June. Perfect. The last four or so days have been quite simply heaven on earth. 70s, very few clouds, light breeze... need I say more?
I could live here forever. The summer very much makes it all worth it. This is gearing up to be the best summer of my life. At least since my first summer at Hidden Acres, which was an awesome summer.
People ask me how I feel about being half way done with my masters.
Terrible.
I feel terrible. While I am definitely going to do my very best to get out of here in two years for financial reasons, I wish those two years weren't flying by so fast. I love it here. Bellingham is stealing my heart, and while I'd love to go back to the Midwest for a visit sometime, I love it here. Love. it.
I even don't mind my retail job that shall remain nameless.
Everything's better here.
That's how Bellingham is in June. Perfect. The last four or so days have been quite simply heaven on earth. 70s, very few clouds, light breeze... need I say more?
I could live here forever. The summer very much makes it all worth it. This is gearing up to be the best summer of my life. At least since my first summer at Hidden Acres, which was an awesome summer.
People ask me how I feel about being half way done with my masters.
Terrible.
I feel terrible. While I am definitely going to do my very best to get out of here in two years for financial reasons, I wish those two years weren't flying by so fast. I love it here. Bellingham is stealing my heart, and while I'd love to go back to the Midwest for a visit sometime, I love it here. Love. it.
I even don't mind my retail job that shall remain nameless.
Everything's better here.
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