Thursday, July 16, 2015

i have decided to follow Jesus

When I was a very little girl, I made a decision that has shaped my life the most profoundly of any decision I have made.  I decided to follow Jesus.

The Jesus I followed then is the same Jesus I follow now, but I am a wholly different person today than I was 25 years ago when I decided to follow Jesus.  More-so even than being twenty-seven rather than two, I view the world through a profoundly different lens.  I'm politically liberal and theologically confused.  I'm a feminist.  I hold all of these identities rather open-handedly, I think.  It's hard to be too close-minded when you've spent the last five years switching world views.  I get what it is to be conservatively Christian and I can play that part when the situation calls for it.  I get what it is to be completely un-moored from my religion, wandering confused and alone, making decisions based on my rationality alone, because for the past year or so, I've been doing that like a pro.

A few months back, my husband and I sat in some dear friends' living room at the small group I was leading through my then-church.  I told them I was leaving their church, and that I was leaving because I had to follow Jesus.

I cannot tell you how much that phrase has haunted me.  What does that even mean, especially when I was the most confused I'd ever been, when God was the most silent He'd ever been, when my life was falling apart in ways it had never fallen apart?  What does that even mean, when so many of my dear friends are following Jesus, and they're following Jesus at that church?  What does it mean to be profoundly disillusioned because of the church I'm attending and yet know that where my spiritual life is located is squarely my fault?

I've been church-hopping since then, attending a few different churches, most of them more than once, but never allowing myself to become a regular.  I'm not ready for that yet.  There are times when I attend a church hopeful that my relationship with God is coming back, there are times (like this past Sunday) when I attend a church unsure whether I can continue to label myself a Christian.

I have been broken down by life.  I have become obsessed with belief, obsessed with political issues, obsessed with theology, and I have forgotten the God I claim to serve.

A week or two ago I resolved to pray more.  This was a pretty big thing for me, I haven't really prayed much lately, at least without a huge dose of cynicism mixed in.  What I can say though, is that when I prayed, it was largely surrounding huge amounts of fear that God would abandon me, that He had stopped caring about me, and that my political views and theological views were going to damn me to hell.  I begged Him to show up, but I wasn't ready for Him to actually show up.

And then all was lost.  Not because of any huge events, just because one day I ceased being able to cope.  And finally I told God I would go on a walk and not take my phone, that I would talk to Him, and that I was listening.

I cried as I walked.  I told God about how alone I felt, how scared I was, how much I didn't understand about the world.  I confessed how I'd been putting the responsibility for my spirituality on my husband's shoulders rather than leading and seeking God for myself (ironic given my Jesus-feminism beliefs).  I confessed how I'd been so angry at God for his silence, I confessed becoming obsessed over belief rather than a relationship with God himself.

And I began again.  I once again began to follow Jesus.  I had never turned back, but I had certainly dug in my heels a little bit.

I have resolved to pray without ceasing.  I want to think of God throughout the day, not only at the day's end or when things are falling apart, but all the time.  I want to go to God with my fears and sadness and loneliness. I want to seek Him first in all things.

Today I received an email from my husband, and he has been realizing many of the same things I have, but he realized them without having yet received the email in which I explained what I had realized.

I'm a believer again.  I believe in the power of prayer (you wouldn't have caught me saying that at any point throughout the past year).  I believe that God cares, that He's here.  I haven't believed that - truly believed that - in far longer than I wish to admit.

I have resolved to follow Jesus, not a political or theological creed.

I have my beliefs about our country and about the social and political issues that plague our country, and I have resolved to hold those beliefs with an open hand.  They are certainly things I believe, but they are certainly not what defines me (or at least what should define me).  I want to be defined by my relationship with the God who I pledged to follow as a toddler.

I have resolved to follow Jesus, no turning back.

In retrospect, that announcement at small group about leaving our church was more true than I understood.  God has revealed so much to me because I stepped out in some sort of broken faith and said, "I care more about following You, I care more about picking up the pieces of my shattered faith than I do about pleasing people."

I have been broken down and I have gained some perspective and I have prayed and wept, and God has shown up.

I'm so thankful.

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