the world is a lonely place

Some nights, I'm just sad.
Some nights, there's really no escape from that reality, and really no reason to be sad.
Some nights, it's just that way.

Life has a way of constantly reminding me that this world is a lonely place.  Life is a series of near hits, a constant barrage of moments where the timing is just off and where I fail to connect with those whom I most long to connect.  I find that I walk through this life fundamentally alone, save the constant presence of Jesus.

I'm so thankful for Jesus.  Without Him, I'd be nothing.  This I know like I know that the sun rises in the east.  Imagining a world where I truly had to fend for myself - where I was dependent solely on other people for love and acceptance - scares me a great deal.

Tonight I went to church, and the seating arrangement was such that the worship team was in the middle of the room and we were all circled around them.  I didn't mind this concept so much, as long as I wasn't required to sit in that first row.  The first row scares me.  I'm too awkward to sit in the front row, and that awkwardness tends to distract me from worship.  Plus, I'm terrible with change to which I did not consent.

I sat the third row back, but before the service started, we were all required to come sit in the front row.  As a consequence, much of the worship set was lost on me.  I was trying to block out the fact that I felt so exposed.  Alone in a crowd, really.

When I am spending time with Jesus in prayer, it is so much easier for me if I'm by myself.  When I'm with Jesus, I don't need or want to be with friends.  In that moment, Jesus is all I want or need.  Tonight, that was taken from me, and I was asked to worship Jesus in fellowship.  I didn't deal well with it.  I wanted to be by myself.

Sometimes I think that this world is a lonely place because I make it that way.

Because I prefer it that way.

And I'm not sure how to deal with that knowledge.