I feel as if I am stuck in a room with a fan turned on "low." I can't really hear much with any clarity, and anything beyond the room is blotted out. It's white noise, but noise nonetheless.
I'm so ready to be out of school. German becomes more odious with each passing day, and I'm just so done with homework and grading. I am so excited to have a job. A full time, decently paying job. I'm excited to think again. To breathe again. To go to a new place and make it my own. To reach out, to make friends, and to learn what it means to be a south-easterner.
Bellingham is beautiful this May, and I'm so thankful. I'll miss the mountains and the evergreen trees. I'll miss the daily bus trips, and I'll even miss the hippies and the drug addicts. There's a charm to this place that can't be replaced.
Sometimes I feel, though, as if life is passing me by. I am getting older, and nothing much is happening, and it's a strange feeling. It's strange to be in the transition between youth and adulthood, because I never woke up one morning an adult. But slowly I leave my youth behind, or at least one version of youth. And as I do, I am more and more cognizant of the fact that I'll never get it back. Time marches on whether or not I'm ready for it. It is kind in letting me forget in the mindless repetition of day-to-day life that time is actually moving quite quickly, but sometimes I wake up and realize that I'm almost twenty five years old, that a third of my life is gone, and that jars me awake a bit. I'm almost twenty five, and my twenty five years have been so...out of the ordinary. I've never been in a long term relationship or had a "real job." I left my life behind to come out here, and I'm about to do it again. I'm rootless, always moving, never content.
When the fan in my brain is turned off for a few minutes, I become faintly aware of warring ideologies. If ideology rests at the level of common sense, what do I do when I have two "common senses?" Because I do, and it confuses the crap out of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment