the turning point

A couple nights ago, I did a Bible study with a few friends.  We're studying a theology textbook and passages of Scripture that have to do with the various subjects we cover.  The first week was so good, and then this week I felt like I struggled through the whole thing.

Have you ever felt like you're being too honest?  Typically, I view my honesty as a strength.  It is what allows me to connect with people.  Two nights ago, though, I definitely felt like my honesty about my doubts and cynicism was a weakness.  It muddled my thoughts, made my speech unclear, and distracted from the important part of our discussion: God.  I went home really confused and sad.  

Problem was, I had to lead Bible study for our entire small group the following evening.  The subject, at least, was semi-non-controversial.  Service.  I can do this, I told myself.  Maybe.

I was originally planning to do this study a week ago, so I hadn't looked at the material in great detail for over a week when I cracked open my kindle to lead the study.  I had skimmed the passages again to remind myself what they were about and that was about it.  In many ways, I think this allowed me to see it all with fresh eyes.

God showed up.

I noticed immediately that my typical cynicism was strangely absent.  I asked a few questions, listened to the answers, tried to ask questions as it seemed pertinent.  And the Bible study derailed.

It went entirely off track.  Suddenly we were talking about a subject that, as some may know, I am entirely uncomfortable leading any sort of discussion on.  Suddenly we were talking about evangelism.

A little background:  I don't like talking about evangelism.  Ever since graduate school, I've believed that to "share the gospel" with someone in the traditional sense of that word likely will mean pushing them away, and that this is almost always a negative thing.  I've been downright stubborn in holding onto this belief, actually.

In any case, as I sat there listening to this free-flowing discussion on evangelism, I kept fighting with myself.  Do I lead the discussion back to service?  After all, we're talking about service here, not sharing tracts with our friends.  They'll understand; it won't even be rude.  I can just say that, although this discussion is important, it's getting us off on a rabbit trail.  

For whatever reason, I didn't try to bring the discussion back.  I let them talk.  And, for the first time in maybe forever, I truly listened.  One guy gave his testimony, his testimony of how God has delivered him in the last week from hopelessness and sin.  He thanked the small group for their persistence in reaching out to him.    He said that if it weren't for our persistence, he'd still be without hope.  At that point, things started to click for me.

You know, I've been seeing God work through my small group for months now.  I've been watching lives changed, hearts turning toward God.  I've watched my own heart change.  And the whole time, I've remained somewhat aloof from it, thinking that there's no way that God demands assertiveness out of me.  Passivity characterizes my personality and my life.  I love God in the most passive of ways.  I'm open to God using me how He will, but I will not act.  Last night, though, as a new friend shared how his life was dramatically different than it was seven short days before, my walls began to fall down.

And, wouldn't you believe, the conversation went back to service on its own.  I never did direct it back.  

So we picked back up with our discussion of who, why, and how we serve.  And I was ridiculously convicted on a whole different range of things concerning my day to day life.  These realizations deserve their own separate post.  But I think, most of all, what I took away from last night was just how wrong I can tend to be when I'm sure that I'm right.  And just how faithful God is to speak to me when I think it's going to be me doing all the speaking.

Sometimes, evangelism is about speaking up.  About loving someone enough to reach out.  About loving someone enough to tell them what might make them push you away.  Loving someone enough to point them into the arms of Jesus.  My prayer is that I will follow Jesus every day, that I will live in his presence and allow that presence to saturate my actions.  That I will be bold in my self-sacrifice and bold in my service.  That I will love in word and deed.

God, forgive me, for I am the worst of fools.