meet Marilee, the doubter

I have a fear.  A fear of leading Bible studies.  It's sort of a funny fear, because leading Bible studies used to be in my job description.  As a summer camp counselor, I lead daily Bible studies.  Daily.

And now I find out I have to lead a Bible study and all I can feel is paralyzed.  

I know what happened.  School happened.

My degree in history is something I prize very highly.  I learned how to think, how to reason, how to debate, how to write.  I know how to discuss, and how to beat around the proverbial bush.  I know how to respect and celebrate opinions different than mine, a skill which I used to not have at all.  In moderation, these skills are great.

But when it comes time to lead other Christians on subjects having to do with the thing I hold most dear - my faith - I clam up.  I'm terrified.  A lot of it has to do, I think, with the fact that in leading a Bible study I am drawing on skills I possessed in some degree before I became a historian.  There is a great deal of internal conflict involved with reconciling my past with my present, the believer with the cynic and doubter.  I want to have certainty about so many things that I just don't.  I want to know what I think about this, that, and the other thing, but I am constantly aware of how little I know, of how big my God is, and of how complicated life is.

I'm fine with not knowing, until it's time to know.  In leading a Bible study, I feel incredible pressure to "preach."  To have the answers.  To be knowledgeable and faith-filled.  

But I'm not.  

I'm just me, and I can't escape that fact no matter how much I try.  

And, in the midst of this reality, a glimmer of peace emerges.  

It's okay to not have the answers.  It's okay to ask questions.  It's okay to read the Bible, to read it carefully, with much prayer and with much study, and still come away with no solid answers.  The Bible is so much bigger than me.  So much wiser, so much more...everything.  It tells the story of a God who is entirely other and entirely present simultaneously.  Of a God who evades simple characterizations.  Who is Love.  

Maybe that's why it's hard for me to lead a Bible study.  Because I want answers, and the answers evade me.  I learn more about my Savior every time I study His Scriptures, but that knowledge is always being added to, always expanded.

My prayer is that my fear would no longer paralyze me.  My prayer is that I would learn to work within my skepticism.  My prayer is that Love would triumph in all things.  That I would always choose God and choose love.  Even when it's entirely unclear and entirely painful.  Even when I have no answers, may I cling to what I know.

And this I do know: God is with me.  I know that like the air I breathe.  And I want to share this God with everyone I meet.  I'm still trying to figure out how that all works out in my daily life, what it looks like to love God with my life.  But every day I'm growing.  Every day God leads me closer, leads me into a deeper knowledge of Him.  

Thank you, God.