i want you to know that

My sophomore year of college, it all came crashing down around me.  I started wondering if God exists.  I remember the emptiness of considering a life without Jesus.  I remember the frustration I experienced when spiritual "highs" and summer camp Christianity were no longer enough.  I remember the fear I faced when I waded through college coursework pertaining to faith and doubt.  I remember the anger I felt that I would be faced with these questions, that my God-fearing professors would dare to expose me to these dangerous ideas.  I remember the quest on which I embarked - the journey toward finding my old faith.

You know, I never did find it.

I'm still a cynic, a doubter.  I have questions to which there are no easy answers.  My relationship with God is always changing, one day it's close, the next I've fallen entirely away.  The questions come and go.  Sometimes they sidetrack everything else, and I'm consumed by them for weeks at a time.

But through it all, God remains.

He's such a big God, friends.  He doesn't change, even when my views of Him are stretched and changed.  Even when I think I have him figured out only to realize just how wrong I was, He has always been and always will be entirely beyond my comprehension.

If there's one thing of which I'm certain, only one thing, it's that God exists.  And if God exists, He's big enough for my questions.

So I'm gonna keep asking them.  I'm gonna keep asking them because I don't know how to remain silent.  And with each day, I'm becoming more confident that the questions I ask are exactly the ones I need to be asking.  I'm becoming more confident that it's okay to be the cynic.  It's okay to be the doubter.  It's okay to recognize that I don't have anything figured out.

Because, my friends, "I" don't matter.  God is all that matters.  And He is unquenchable.

God simply asks me to trust Him.  And trust Him I do.  The more I study about him, the more I love him.  He is the light of my life, He is what keeps me going.  He is the reason for my hope.

And so I want you to know that fear has no place here.  God isn't going anywhere.  Shout, scream, question, cry, doubt, and He'll still be there.

Fear not.