my failure in all its splendor

I take pride in my strength.  I am Marilee, the girl who moved 1,500 miles from home to go to graduate school.  I conquered graduate school in two years and then moved all by myself 3,000 miles away to the opposite coast.  I am Marilee, the girl who has known Jesus as my Savior as long as I can remember.  I am Marilee, the girl who knows about stuff.  Who is wise.  Who has all of her ducks in a row, so to speak.  I am a strong woman.  I call the shots in my life, and I serve God through it all.

Tonight, I felt my hold on all of my accomplishments draining like so much water through my desperately clenched fists.  Tonight I realized how little control I have over anything.  At all.  Tonight I appreciated in all its ugly reality my instability, my frailty.  My utter brokenness.

All of my accomplishments?  They do nothing but put up a wall between God and me.  My righteousness, it's like filthy rags.  Tonight I almost broke down as the weight of my utter failure became so glaringly apparent.  I struggle to cope with change that is thrown at me without my consent.  And as I struggle with this, I realize how much I confine God to certain areas of my life and heart.

"God, I want to serve You in this, this, and this way."  "God, this is how I see You working.  Not that way."   "God, I thank you for giving me this opportunity to use my gifts for You.  Certainly You know what You're doing in entrusting this to me.  (Because I'm pretty cool)."  "God, be with me.  Comfort me.  Help me."

My prayers are saturated to the breaking point with my sinful pride.  My entirely false presupposition that God needs me.  That I'm important.

Tonight that all fell away, and I was left with the ugly truth of how much God doesn't need me.  Tonight I was in many ways more broken on a spiritual level than I have been in maybe forever.  Tonight God reminded me that it is only because of Him that I live and breathe and serve.  His Name is why I love my neighbor.  His Son is why I give my life in service to the hurt and broken and poor and forgotten.  His Name is my heart's cry, my reason for living.  Not building my own little kingdom here on earth.  Not gathering respect or recognition or rewards.  Him and Him only.

God, forgive me.