confessions of a panicky people-pleaser

This morning, I received a message from a friend simply telling me that he needed to talk to me in the near future.

I panicked, complete with a skyrocketing heart rate, racing thoughts, intense fear and self-protecting anger.  I  was entirely confident that I had done something or was something entirely unforgivable in his eyes, and that our friendship was probably over.

I drove to work and forgot all about it (only because of a very tense staff meeting).  Halfway through a very long and very boring work day, I suddenly remembered that he "needed to talk to me."  Once again, I had to fight off panic.  In the interest of not panicking through the rest of work, I decided to have the conversation via instant messaging, just get it over with.  I was praying for peace and grace and wisdom.

Turns out he simply wanted my advice.

Heh.

The thing is, I respond the same way to an official looking letter in the mail.  Panic.  Thoughts of "What have I done wrong?"  Heart racing.

It appears that I have a slight problem.  It appears that my desire to never disappoint anyone has gotten a wee bit out of control.

It's bigger than that, though, much bigger.  I believe that these panicky moments point very clearly to my identity as a people pleaser, and I believe that I must learn to more effectively deal with this.  I am constantly terrified of people really knowing who I am.  I'm terrified of being rejected as less than enough.  And so I float with the prevailing wind of the day, never quite at home, but trying so very hard to be, if only that means I can be accepted.

To be sure, I've made some huge strides toward honesty.  This blog is in many ways the best example of that.  I strive to be as transparent as possible in this medium.  I don't hide my meddling with feminism.  I am honest about my struggles with cynicism and doubting.  I have so very little figured out, and I strive to make that transparent and clear in my writing.  There is healing in honesty, and I have experienced the fruits of that healing in the past eight months.  I'm making progress; God has been working on me.  I'm learning to allow my questions about God to lead me to His heart.  I'm learning to think for myself rather than allow myself to believe whatever it is that my friends do, and more importantly, I'm learning to love Jesus more fully.

But I remain a people pleaser in that, when confronted with opposition face-to-face, I hem and haw in lieu of public disagreement.  I smile and nod rather than boldly speaking what I see and experience.  I allow everyone to think I'm on their side, when really I'm somewhere lost in the middle.  In doing this, I do no favors.  In remaining silent when confronted with injustice, I simply perpetuate that injustice.  In turning my back on the downtrodden, I number myself with their persecutors.  In upholding the status quo, I condemn the world to hell and myself along with it.

As I've said so many times before...

God forgive me.