There are days when I have more questions than answers, when life is more confusing than clear, and when I feel pulled in every direction. There are days when it's difficult to stand opposed to those seemingly wiser than myself, when all I can feel is the excruciating weight of not being worthy to follow Jesus.
Today is one of those days.
Today I curse my doubt, because it leaves me in limbo. Today I curse my questions, because they leave me telling only half the truth. Today I curse my past, because it has molded my present.
Today is one of many days like it, but today the pain and confusion are more acute.
Today I struggle.
I struggle to know if I should be knowing. My heart screams to me that my doubts have brought me to this place, and that this place is good. Friends don't agree; they scream that doubt is only good if it leads to certainty.
Friends, I'm the furthest thing from certain that could ever be imagined.
It is on days like today that I cling to faith as if I were drowning, hanging onto a life preserver with weakening arms and no hope of soon rescue. It is on days like today that I stand on the precipice of the depths of uncertainty, knowing that one misstep could send me hurtling into that abyss. It is on days like today that I am reminded of my frailty, that my faith is truly a gift from God, and that He holds me.
Friends, I want you to know that there are so many answers I don't have. I know almost nothing. This I do know. The God in whom I trust holds me. Even when I doubt His very existence, He keeps me believing. He sustains my faith. He leads me. I don't understand it. I don't understand why I still believe, but still I believe. I believe because He hasn't abandoned me to Hades on my darkest of days, days when I question the very things that make Him good. I believe because He loves me despite my confusion, and shows me nothing but grace.
In the end, I believe because this world is a dark place and my Jesus is enough.
It is on days like today that Psalm 23 is my prayer:
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
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