a prayer

Jesus,

This prayer is just one example of the trust I have that you are who you said you were.  I don't get this intellectual journey I'm on; I'm not even sure it's from You.  All I know is that I've changed a lot in the past years, and now I stand at a point of no return.

I tried to jump tonight.  And it left me curled up on my air mattress wanting to cry, feeling the devastating fear of your abandoning me.  I have no good reason to believe You would do such a thing, and yet I fear it.  I fear that if I don't believe the right things about You and about Your word, that it will prove I'm not really Yours at all.

I know how irrational this is.

But I'm terrified, nonetheless.  It's scary to step out of something I've believed my entire life.  Something I partially hung my salvation on.

I'm trusting You, Jesus.  Lead me in all truth.

My love is fragile.  I love you so imperfectly, my neighbor so ineffectively.  I am a mess.

I am trying.

It's never enough.

I have to believe You're enough.

Marilee