random thoughts

1.  bittersweet is mostly sweet and mostly bitter at the same time.  bitter because of the ache in my heart, sweet because that ache reminds me of the blessing.  at times the bitter outweighs the sweet, at other times the sweet outweighs the bitter.  but always the sweet makes the bitter worth it.  and the bitter only reinforces the sweet.

2.  i don't know how to process the fact that i no longer desperately long to return to washington.  i love washington, but i don't believe i want to return anymore.  this is both really sad and really happy.  i'm beginning to see washington for what it ended up being - a season of life that taught me a lot, but that needed to end when it did.  i'm thankful for what God has done in my life as a result of my change in geographical location.

3.  one of the things God has really been impressing on my heart lately is my need to pursue Him.  and it's extremely difficult to do.  it's easy to get emotional and long for God.  it's another to actually follow through in my pursuit of Him.  it's easy to make a commitment to this or that, another thing entirely to actually keep my commitment.  i want to serve others out of love for God, not out of a sense of guilt or obligation.  i want my service to flow from a heart that is deeply in love with God, not from a heart that only gives love to receive it in return.  i want my love to flow freely, reaching the lovable and the unlovable alike.  i want to love God in such a way that my love for others flows naturally and from Him.  i want to decrease so that He may increase.

4.  i'm a musician.  but i'm not just that; i'm so much more.  one of the greatest blessings here in Georgia has been being surrounded people with a strong love for music and a great deal of musical talent, because I'm able to stand back a little bit.  this has obviously happened before, but always before I was in a position (either willingly or not) where I stood (or attempted to stand) in the limelight.  at times i was defined by my musical ability.  people knew me as the soloist, or as the piano player, or as the trumpet player.  the biggest problem is that music was thrust on me from an early age.   although i certainly have always had certain proclivities for music, i wasn't ever really allowed the option to not be a musician.  the result is that i don't know how to not be "the musician."  maybe that's why i love my identity at work so much.  there i'm the tour guide.  they know i can play the piano, because they've heard me play at the mansion.  but i'm not defined by my musical abilities, but by my status as a north end tour van driver.  that's so nice.  i love being able to just be for a while.  maybe one day i'll want to be on a worship team again, or be "the piano player."  but for now, i'm letting myself (as much as is possible) not be the piano player.  and it's freeing.  it's nice to not be mistaken as a music major, and it's nice to not have to sell my soul to music for a scholarship.  music is how i express myself, it is often one of the ways I serve God, but it is not my primary interest in life.  and i think i'm finally achieving a life where that is the case.