There are moments when the emotions are too much. Fear, joy, longing, uncertainty, nervousness, love, sadness; they all mingle together in a complex tapestry of desire for something just beyond my grasp. I'm living in this place where my life isn't real, where the things and people in my life seem to be but peripheral, where the emotions rule all.
I'm not sure how to describe this place.
This place is a ball of fear in the pit of my stomach, a loss of appetite, an extreme conflict of desire and emotion. I no longer know what I want or don't want.
Incomplete.
The control is gone. Too many things have happened in the last few days that have taken control out of my hands. My car is dead and I can't escape. My independence is gone. I'm trapped in an apartment with the internet. The internet isn't real. It doesn't satisfy. Not even close.
It's nights like tonight that God seems distant. He's always pretty quiet, but tonight I feel His silence particularly loudly.
God, can't we, like, hang out and stuff? Can't I see you there, sitting on the floor across from me? Why must we correspond in my mind all the time? Why am I limited to hearing You through a Book or through the thoughtful words of friends? Why is life so lonely? I'm sorry that I so often do such a good job of distracting myself from the reality of Your silence. I'm convinced that You want me to live in this silence, to long for more, because it is that longing that speaks volumes of my love for You. But it's too easy to squash the longing. To seek out people to fill the emptiness. I think that's okay, but not always. Tonight, make me okay with the sorrow, with the loneliness and separation, because I'm hoping that one day it might not be like this.
And so tonight I don't have the answers. I think I'm done with answers. I just have a question, a question that speaks loudly of the pit of fear and loneliness in the pit of my stomach.
God, must it always be like this?
No comments:
Post a Comment