The following is something I don't typically do anymore, but I need to think some things out and I need a place to do so. I work best through writing, so here goes:
I'm scared.
Truth be told, I'm terrified.
So much change is around the corner, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. I'm not sure where I stand and I'm not sure where I should stand. I feel utterly unprepared to deal with the dilemmas that lie ahead, much less be comfortable in my own skin.
I have walked down this path and now I find myself standing at a fork: will I be humbly bold in whatever God places in front of me, or will I revert to a former, more comfortable me?
My small group is splitting. We're way too big, and it only makes sense to split. I was for it.
And now it's happening, and I am heading into full-fledged panic mode. I love each person there dearly and love hanging out with each of them. The past year I have watched us grow and change and deepen in our relationships with God - I know I've grown. And now with less than a stroke of a pen we're evaporating. Reforming in small shells of what once was. I know that this is necessary, but it doesn't make it any less difficult.
The impending split also reveals so much darkness in my soul. There was a time a few months ago when I felt compelled to help lead our small group. One thing led to another and I ended up sidelining myself. I'm still not sure why I did it. I mean, I know why I did it. I was a mess. I didn't know if what I believed was okay, and no one was stepping up to tell me it was okay to not know. I felt alone and misunderstood and marginalized, in no place to lead with my insecurities weighing me down.
And let's be honest here for a second. I'm a woman, and a woman with a not very strong voice and a lot of insecurities. I'm a woman who grew up in situations where the guys were the spiritual leaders. I never learned how to lead, or even how to talk, really. I learned how to say the answer the pastor or teacher was looking for, and that was about it. And now I find myself in a place where I feel compelled to add my voice and perspective to the conversation but I am not sure how to do that. I never want to step on toes, I never want to offend. I'm not particularly confident, and I'm not particularly confident that I have any answers. I'm also fairly confident that I'm a terrible leader.
And yet, I believe God calls me to speak up. Not to lead, not at all. My gifting and my heart is not there, at least not now. I do believe, however, that I need to stop being a pansy. I need to embrace the insight God has given me and run with it. Fling my arms wide open and accept myself. Learn to let other people in.
I think that's the only way to really grow from this point.
God have mercy, I am a coward.
I see the truth, and I say nothing. So much leads to this reaction, but most of all it is pride. My life is saturated with pride, and I so rarely recognize it for what it is: destructive to the core. Ultimately my pride causes me to alienate myself, and only pain results from that. God forgive my prideful heart. God forgive me for assuming no one will care about what You have revealed to me. God forgive me for it all.
The sky's the limit, really. Ultimately, all I want is to live faithfully, with God's heart beating in mine. Ultimately, I want to become so much less, that His name will be made great in my weakness. That's it, I guess.
I'm still afraid.
God is good, though, and He's accomplished some mighty things in my life. I have no reason to think He'll do anything but the same as I take a leap of faith.
No comments:
Post a Comment