Dear Church, Sincerely, Me. [the post about modesty that i really, really, REALLY didn't want to have to write.]

It's a story one too many times told.

***

She was young, so young.  Just becoming a young woman.  She had always struggled with seeing herself as she really was - beautiful inside and out and desperately loved by God.

It began as it always does: a church service project and a dress code.  Don't wear this, that, or the other thing - it might cause the boys to stumble.  We're here to serve Jesus; keep the focus on Him and not you.

And then she transgressed.  Her shorts were just above the invisible line of modest dress, and this would simply not do.  There's a rule in place, and so it was easy for the older woman who took her aside to simply follow the rules.  "Honey, your shorts are not modest.  You need to be more careful in what you wear."

Years have passed, but the scars linger.  She still talks about that day.

"They told me I wasn't being modest."

***

I spent years as a camp counselor at a Christian summer camp.  The "rules of modesty" were drummed into our heads:

1) No spaghetti straps or shirts with sleeves less than two fingers in width.
2) No cleavage.
3) No two piece swimsuits.
4) No stomach showing with hands raised
5) No short shorts (defined by longer than the second knuckle when hands are by sides).
6) No bra straps.
7) No writing on the back of your shorts.

I remember having to enforce these rules.  I remember feeling the awkwardness of it all but feeling justified in my policing.  After all, I was just following the rules.

God forgive me.

***

She came to me, understandably disturbed, and told me she had been tasked with telling another girl to dress more modestly.  Her skirts were too short.  This wasn't acceptable when engaged in ministry.  We talked about it at length, but there is no easy escape from the rules.  She had the conversation.

***

Dear Church,

I need to talk to you about something increasingly close to my heart.  I need to talk to you about modesty.  And I need you to listen, to truly listen.  

When we teach our daughters that modesty is about how one dresses, and when we then lay out specific rules about what is and isn't modest, and when we imply that dressing outside these bounds is sinful because it causes our brothers to stumble or sets a bad example or whatever, we are wrong.  Straight up, no if's, and's, or but's wrong.  

When we teach our daughters this, we teach our sons that it's acceptable to view a woman as an object of lust.  She's beautiful, but she shouldn't make her curves so obvious.  If only she'd hide herself a bit more fully, then she'd be a better Christian, a more worthy object of our affections.  Has she no shame? (God, forgive us for shaming our sisters and our daughters.)

I am entirely convinced that modesty is an attitude of the heart.  We have made it, however, into something else entirely.  We have made it a list of rules that defines the women in our midst as good or bad, turning women into little more than the object of men's desires.  What if we taught our daughters to value themselves as beloved by God?  What if we taught them that modesty isn't a list of do's and don't's, but a matter of living a life that points to Jesus in all things?

When you tell her she shouldn't wear such a short dress or low-cut shirt, and she has never once dressed with the intention of being an object of attention, you shame her.  You communicate to her that she is nothing but an object of lust, simply by virtue of who she is.  That she keeps men, by her very presence, from seeing Jesus.  May I be so bold as to suggest that maybe, just maybe, the problem lies in your heart rather than hers?

Here's the thing.  Every single woman who I know who has been shamed in this way is a beautiful woman of God inside and out.  These women embody modesty and humility and a servant's heart.  They are not immodest.  I repeat.  They are not immodest.

Men, I can't help your wandering, lustful eyes.  Women, I can't help your jealous eyes, I can't help your personal insecurities.  That my modesty (or lack thereof) would be judged by either of you is deeply offensive to me.

You know, the Bible says almost nothing in the way of lists of what not to wear or what to wear.  What it does talk about is the idea that what we wear should be a reflection of humility and submission to one another and to God.  And so I ask you this: Why are we playing modesty police all the time?  I suggest, as gently as is possible given my very real indignation on this topic, that the Church must reconsider the rules that we have created - these rules that lead to shame and guilt, these rules that teach women that every moment of every day they must be careful lest men lust after their bodies, these rules that teach women that their value is tied to their outward appearance.  We are so much better than that, my beloved Church.  So much better.

I have a request, Church, a plea for a reconsideration of everything we've preached and advocated for far too long, now.  Please stop creating rules intended to shame women.  Please stop viewing women as objects of sexual desire and our supposed immodesty as an affront to the God who made us.  Teach the Church to value modesty in a positive way.  Empower women to find our identity and value in Christ, not the approval of men.  Allow us to love our bodies as God intended, not hide them from a sense of shame and fear.

And, for the love of all that is good and holy, consider the heart of the "law" to which you so tightly cling.

Your sister,
Marilee