the Call

I was talking with some friends last night, and we were discussing the wisdom of taking a year off from dating.  A guy friend didn't understand why girls would do such a thing, if we are meant to be pursued rather than the being the pursuers.

And here's the thing...

The problem is that the business of waiting is, in my opinion, far more difficult for a woman, from whom most of the control has been wrested.  If I cannot pursue a man in whom I have interest, I am rendered essentially passive, indeed, powerless.

And that requires a great deal of discipline.  The woman waiting to be pursued must learn to wait, with nothing to be done but wait.

This is something I struggle with in my faith, too.  God bids me to wait on Him.  I can wait on Him only sometimes, only in those moments where my deepest desires remain out of reach.  The hard part is when my emotions and desires do not match up.  It is then that I learn what it will truly cost me to follow Jesus.

You see, at times the call of Jesus lacks its emotional validity.  At times it seems as clear and obvious as the clearest day.  The challenge lies, though, in committing to Jesus through the times when it makes sense and the times when it doesn't.  Jesus calls me to surrender.  To lay my hopes and dreams of a permanent job, a husband, and a family at His feet.  To trust that if I follow Him, forsaking all things, He will provide for me in every way.  That although it will never be easy, He will always be there.

What does it look like to live only to know Christ?  How does it look to make the pursuit of Christ my only focus?  No excuses, no exceptions.  Just wholehearted surrender.  Leaving my heart in the hands of Jesus, so secure there that only God himself can move in my life.  So that only His way, whatever that may be, matters.

I don't know how to go about the business of surrender.  Then again, maybe I do.  I learned all my life about what it looks like to truly live the Christian life and now here ti is - the moment when Christ calls me to lay it all down, forsake my life and follow Him.  And it is now that I waver, unsure of what I should do.  Because that's always how it is - one can learn all the sunday school answers, but it will always be the actual leap that can only be made at the call of my Lord.

And he calls.

And I waver.

Here's what I do know:

1.  The surrendered life is a life daily surrendered.  Every day begun with the same prayer: "Not my will but Your's be done."  Every day, no matter my feelings or the circumstances, choosing Christ.  Choosing him above all other things.
2. Following Christ doesn't make sense.  People will tell me in various ways that I need to take control, that God isn't enough.  Looking in from the outside, my life will seem absurd, my contentment in Christ crazy.  But when Christ bids me follow, He requires me to surrender all I hold dear.  He requires me to lay it all at His feet.

And what is it that God bids me surrender?

I believe that at the moment, He wants me to give Him my desire for a husband.  God calls me to trust that His way is best.  He doesn't call me to say "I will never marry," only to say "God is in control."  In His timing.  His perfect timing.  Maybe never, maybe someday.  It is this one thing that is the hardest at this point in my life, when I feel for the first time truly ready for marriage.  And I believe that this is precisely why I am not yet as ready as I would like to believe.  I believe God is calling me to follow Him.  He has been for months now.  Part of following Jesus invariably means real, hard decisions that will cost me the things I value most.  Learning to value Jesus above all means giving all to Him. Really giving it to Him.

There is so much that seems to stand between me and surrender - mostly concerns about society and gender roles and how I fit into those things as a Christian.  And yet, all that is but a smoke screen.  God bids me to surrender those things, too.  He bids me surrender my need to know exactly what is right.  He bids me follow Him and learn from Him.  Not by reading or thinking or talking with my friends or retreating into myself, but by a simple following of Jesus.  Learning by example, and most of all by living out Christ's call.

And so...

God, I come before You and humbly thank You for the work You are doing in my life.  Thank You for loving me and for calling me to follow.  This prayer represents not a changed life or a changed heart.  That will come with time, as I learn to truly walk with You.  This prayer represents the beginning of a journey.  A hard journey of daily surrender.  Teach me, Father, to truly value You above all else.

Your will be done.