chameleon

I'm a chameleon.

I have realized in the past few years that it is very easy for me to change to fit in wherever I may be.  I can never entirely shed my origins, but I can embrace new things.  As I move from place to place, I find it really hard to know what is really me, and what my environment imposes on me.

And so, I am a chameleon.  I fit in lots of places, and I change with seasons of life.

I think I found something of the true me in Bellingham, though.  And I miss that me.  I found a philosopher, a searcher after truth.  I found someone concerned about justice over legalities.  I found a me who was able to embrace the grey quality of life.  I found friends who understood that.

It would be so easy to return to the former me.  I don't want to lose the philosopher, though.  I don't want to lose the scholar.  I don't want to dismiss the questions.  I don't want to narrow my view.  I want to pursue justice for all, not just those like me or those I understand.  I want to always remember that the God I love is so much bigger than a single theological system or system of morals.

Fear submerges the "West Coast" me.  It's scary to be real around other Christians, because Christians everywhere tend to claim truth.  This truth extends beyond core truths about God and the world to a whole system of morality.  To step outside of this box is to rebel against the whole system.  Threats of "losing one's faith" or "displeasing God" keep me imprisoned.  But I promised myself that graduating with my masters' in history would not end my pursuit of knowledge and God.  It's time to keep myself accountable to that.  To stop viewing my 8:45-5:30 job as the entirety of my identity, as the extent of my responsibilities.  To stop simply blending in because I'm afraid of challenging the status quo.  It's time to pursue God, to stop hiding behind words, to truly pursue the One who has given me life and purpose.


I think I'm afraid to be what I am called to be.  For too long I've hidden.  I've ignored God.  I've let life take a rhythm of its own and have neglected my faith.  Enough.


Enough.