waiting for a sign

Two nights ago, I was so mad at God. Sometimes it feels like the emotional side of my faith is just drying up, and that day I had had one too many people talk to me about their encounters with God. I've never heard God's voice, never got an indisputable sign that God wants me to do something or even that He is there. I've never seen a miracle, never spoken in tongues, or even seen someone I know personally (and who I trust is not just making it up) speak in tongues, never had a dream that came true (unless you count that time in Mexico where I dreamed they would fill the pool up before we left and it happened). None of that.

As I walked home from campus Monday night, I was so mad. Almost ready to throw in the towel. At least ready to vent my frustration to God. For so long I've been struggling to figure out what it means for me to be a Christian in this world where God is so silent and seemingly absent. I started begging God for a sign He was there. Stuff like "let the next car that passes be red." Of course, my success rate with said God rearranging the cars' colors was minimal. I did see a bunch of red and white cars (the colors I was alternating between), but nowhere near 100% success. Plus...red and white cars aren't exactly rare.

I figured God wouldn't honor my selfish request to suddenly gain the ability to foretell the colors of cars. I mean...really...does it get any more immature and childish than that?

I went home and read my Bible. What else do you do when you're looking for a sign that everything you believe and build your life around isn't just some farce? I read Psalm 51, among others. And I was reminded of what I've been thinking about lately - "my iniquity has separated me from my God." I begged God to show me my sin.

I honestly think that's a large part of God's silence in this world. It started in the Garden of Eden all those years ago - God walked with them in the garden, and when they sinned, it was all ruined.

I went to bed still kinda ticked off at God.

I dreamed about Hidden Acres, the bible camp at which I used to counsel. Nothing prophetic, unless Hidden Acres has become as terrible as my dream, which I'm pretty sure isn't the case.

I woke up still ticked off. Mostly just sad, though. Sad because I felt like everything was falling apart again - my house of cards that is my faith was crumbling.

I went to work...forgot all about it for 9 hours.

I came home, and read a chapter out of 1 Samuel, which is where I am in my read-through-the-Bible-in-however-long-it-takes-me quest. It was the story of Jonathan and his armor bearer. Jonathan asked God to show them a sign whether they were supposed to attack the Philistines or not. They got a "yes" answer and attacked and killed a bunch of the bad guys.

It occurred to me that a) Jonathan was asking in faith, not in doubt. b) Jonathan's "sign" revolved around him taking a step of faith - "If you say go, I'll go, Lord, no matter the cost."

Maybe that's when we really experience God. When we take that leap of faith, do that impossible thing, trusting that God will provide.