separation

About three and a half years ago, God placed a few chapters in Isaiah and a chapter in Lamentations on my heart. Those chapters have never left me. A song I'm working on writing that is based on those chapters has been "in progress" for the past three and a half years. The chapters are Isaiah 59-61 and Lamentations 3. The "lyrics" are as follows:

My iniquity has separated me from my God
So that He will not hear
He will not hear.
We look for light,
but all is darkness.
We look for brightness,
But walk in deep shadows.

There has been more added here and there, but that is the core that has never left me. I keep wanting to "finish" the song, to add something of Isaiah 60 and 61, to put hope into hopelessness. And I've never been able to do it.

Many times songs I write document my personal spiritual journey, and I have been viewing this song as such for the past few years - I figured the end would come when I was ready. And perhaps it will - I'll leave that up to God.

And yet, that song has provided such definition and clarity to my life. Isaiah 59:2 - "But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God. And your sins have hidden His face from you so that He does not hear."

So often I have felt like this describes my life perfectly. I want to rant, rail, and scream at God for his silence, for the separation I so acutely feel. I try to be brave, to be pious so that I can somehow feel close to Him, and yet He is so silent, so distant. I want to blame Him; from one perspective it seems like an open and closed case for my insanity for ever even believing in a God who loves me.

And in those moments, I am brought back to Isaiah 59:2. My iniquities have made a separation between me and my God, and my sins have hidden His face from me so that He does not hear. And, crazily enough, that is where I find my grounding in this insane world that seems to scream out with the absence of God. Isaiah 59:9-10a - "Therefore justice is far from us, and righteousness does not overtake us; We hope for light, but behold, darkness, for brightness, but we walk in gloom. We grope along the wall like blind men..."

There have been moments in my life where I have glimpsed God, glimpsed His glory, His holiness. There have been moments where I thought I could burst from joy at the presence of God.

Most of the time, though, God is so very silent. So very absent.

And yet, there's hope. Isaiah 59:16,19-20 - "And He saw that there was no man, and was astonished that there was no one to intercede; Then His own arm brought salvation to Him, and His righteousness upheld Him. So they will fear the name of the Lord from the west and His glory from the rising of the sun, for He will come like a rushing stream which the wind of the Lord drives. A Redeemer will come to Zion, and to those who turn from transgression in Jacob..."

My sin leaves me crippled, blind, and far from God. And yet, that distance is nothing to an Almighty, compassionate, good God who loves me enough to send a Redeemer.

Thank You, God, for Your indescribable mercy.